Exhaustion-Rest

You are exhausted!! To the point of no longer being able to function. Even making small decisions such as what to fix for dinner is beyond your current capabilities.

I’m not talking about exhaustion after a full day of work, after a hard workout, or after a day of playing with the kids. I’m not saying you just need a good night’s sleep here. This exhaustion is much much deeper than that. This is a bone-dry exhaustion that makes your insides scream in pain. You are empty! Nothing left in the tank, and no way to fill it back up again!

The only people who know what I am talking about here are those who have experienced it. You know if you have. You know what I mean. Anyone who has not lived this cannot possibly understand this level of exhaustion. 

Maybe you have tried to explain this to someone who doesn’t get it. They will tell you that they have been tired too. They will tell you that you need to rest or that you need a vacation. They don’t understand that you can’t rest and that you don’t get a vacation! If you are still living with your covert narcissist, you don’t ever get a break. This is every day, every moment of every day. 

Even if you are out of the relationship, rest can still be incredibly hard to find. Your mind is still in overdrive. You are doubting yourself, your choices, your actions, even your own memories. You are obsessed with trying to figure out what happened. Is this my fault? Am I the problem? Your emotions are all over the place. You can’t rest because you have no hope or trust left. Even functioning can be extremely difficult.

A relationship with a covert narcissist requires enormous amounts of energy from the victim. 

Covert narcissists steal your life energy. They have none of their own and live off the energy of their victims. You have been trying to hold up not only yourself, but your abusive partner as well, and children if you have them. You have been providing the energy supply for at least 2 people for quite some time.

Think about it. You are the one who has been providing the motivational energy in the relationship. What I mean by this is that you were the one trying to push things in a positive direction all the time. You were the one watching for the problems, trying to divert them, and picking up the pieces afterwards. You were the one caring for everyone’s emotions. You tended to your abuser’s emotional needs even more than your own, and they not only allowed you to do all the work but actually expected it. When you let down on your own efforts for even a moment, the world blew up in front of you!

I know you are exhausted! I completely understand. Even getting out of bed can be a challenge. This is a phase. It isn’t forever. But if you are at this level of exhaustion or even a smaller level, you need to listen to your body. Ask yourself, what does my body need right now? If it needs rest, let yourself rest. Do the bare minimum in life and let your body get what it needs. Don’t worry, it won’t need this forever. You have been through a traumatic experience, and you need healing time.

When someone has been badly injured, one of the first steps in healing is rest. Let yourself rest!! We will be discussing the next steps soon. In the meantime, enjoy that rest and listen to how it makes your body feel.

Everyday Do the Next Right Thing

I was in a 20 year marriage, and divorce had been coming for a long time. For a few years, my friends and family kept asking me when I was actually going to file. My answer was always, “I don’t know, yet but I am confident that I will know when it is time.” Every day it just didn’t feel right yet. That was okay, because every day I did the next right thing to get me closer to ready. 

These steps ranged from packing up some sentimental family items that I didn’t want to fight over to taking one of the boys to our trusted and amazing counselor. It included documenting things that had happened that week and even talking with his mom about what was going on. Some of the steps were spending some positive quality time with my boys or even for me to spend that same positive time with a close friend for my own mental health. Some steps were meeting with a divorce attorney, getting questions answered, and learning about our finances. One step at a time, I put things in place, not only for the impending divorce but also for the necessary healing for me and our boys.

I knew I would know when the time was right. Then that day came. The first day ever that I felt like the next step was actually to file for divorce. I couldn’t believe it. I always had said that I would know, and somehow now I knew. This was a day that I had been waiting for for years. How did I know? I just knew. My heart knew, and it finally felt right to go file. So I did.

Every Relationship has Struggles

This very thought can keep you hooked in a bad relationship for years!

I used to think to myself, “It would not matter who I was with, there will always be problems, disagreements, issues. It could be far worse. I can stick this out.” I trusted my ability to endure these unexplained rages and circular conversations. Though I did not know that phrase at the time. I only knew that these conversations were incredibly painful, unproductive, and extremely lonely!

While it is true that all marriages have struggles, not all marriages are like this! In healthy relationships, partners don’t gaslight and manipulate each other. When people in a healthy relationship have a disagreement, they find reconciliation. They take mutual blame and meet in the middle. They have give and take!

Not when you are with a covert narcissist!! You don’t get an inch! Ever! You will never find reconciliation and resolution. You don’t walk away from these conversations feeling closer, safer, more trusting, and more at peace.

So while it may be true that all relationships have issues, this does not mean that you have to endure abuse of any sort. Abuse is abuse, and abuse is wrong! See it for what it is, and don’t use the excuse that all relationships have their struggles. Is this the way you really want to live?

Every Conversation is a Competition

To a covert narcissist, conversations are transactions, and ALL transactions must end in their favor. In business transactions, the narcissist values winning far more than playing fairly. They must “win” at all costs. 

What do they define as a win? Healthy partners see a win when both people can walk away happy and peaceful. Both sides get a little of what they want, and both sides give a little to help the other person out. This brings deeper connection and deeper love into the relationship.

With a covert narcissist, if they give a little, they already see themselves as losing. They cannot give even an inch. So it is not possible for both sides to walk away happy and peaceful. The covert narcissist can walk away happy, well, sort of….they are never actually happy...satisfied might be a better word for it. They see themselves as a WINNER! But the victim will never walk away happy and peaceful. Instead, you are full of confusion and frustration, every time.

You are seeking desperately for a deeper connection with them. You are working so hard to find a way to their heart. You want nothing more than to love them and be loved by them. But it always seems unreachable. You just can’t ever actually get there. Why not?? What is SO wrong?? To the covert narcissist, it is always a competition, and they must always win! You are NOT a teammate, but rather you ARE a competitor!

The easiest way to not lose a competition is to not play. Stop trying to compromise or negotiate with the covert narcissist. Stop trying to turn conversations to a win-win. Stop trying to find a middle ground. There isn’t one to be found!!!

Don’t try to get them to understand your point of view. They won’t!

Don’t wait for them to agree or validate what you are saying. They never will!

Don’t expect them to be happy and peaceful in a normal conversation. They can’t do it!

Say what you need to say. Don’t worry about how they react to it. Their reactions are illogical and manipulative. If you feel you need to, listen one time to what they are saying. Don’t react to it. Then, as soon as possible, leave the conversation. You don’t have to justify leaving. You are allowed to simply walk away.

Every Conversation is a Competition

A covert narcissist must always be right about all things. They already know everything you are telling them before you even speak a word. They know what everyone is going to say, what everyone means behind their words, what everyone is going to do, and what should be done in every situation. Their great knowledge is clearly far superior to everyone else’s. They are right about it all.

Add to this great knowledge, a covert narcissist will never give you the space to be right about something. They will never give you that validation. They cannot simply say, “Yeah, you are right” or “I never thought of it like that.” 

They may actually get to a point that they admit you are right, but only in a back-handed way. They will make it very clear that what you are saying is stuff they already knew. Their knowledge must be greater, faster and stronger. You will hear things such as,

• “I know! I had that thought a week ago. Glad you caught up.”

• “You’re right, you must have been listening to me.”

• “I knew that was the case.”

• “I already know that, and I’ll take it a step further….”

  A simple “Hey, you have a good point there,” and leaving it at that is not within their capabilities. It threatens their ego too much. For that tiny instant, they would feel inferior to you. To admit that you are right means to them that they have to admit that they are wrong. There simply is no in-between ground. Win-win does not exist. It is only win-lose, and they must win!

Don’t forget, for them, this isn’t conversation. It’s combat! Every interaction has a winner and a loser, and they must be the winner, no matter how insignificant the conversation really is.

Enmeshment

With the spreading issues of narcissism and codependency, it has become common for marriage to mean enmeshment. The narcissist expects it with them being the dominant figure. The codependent expects it with them being the submissive figure.

What does this look like from the codependent? A person who is more codependent will sacrifice who they are to keep those around them happy. They sacrifice their own hobbies, desires, needs, and boundaries. They feel happy and secure when they are able to meet the other person’s needs. Thus their entire identity revolves around the feelings of the other person.

What does this look like from the covert narcissist? A person who is covert narcissistic will not make any sacrifices for the happiness of those around them. They feel happy and secure when others are able to meet their needs. So they encourage this, and even demand it. They want everyone’s focus to always be on them. Thus their entire identity revolves around themselves.

Marriage is not supposed to be an enmeshment. You don’t have to do everything together. In fact, I recommend that you don’t. You have your likes and dislikes, and they have theirs. You have your hobbies, and they have theirs. It is okay to do some things together, but each of you still has your own personality and desires. It is vitally important to both parties that marriage not become an enmeshment.

Emotionally Challenged

Covert narcissists are emotionally unavailable, extremely locked up with a monstrous wall around their heart. They are not reachable behind this wall. You always feel like there is a giant abyss between you and them. Often, the only emotion that is able to break through that wall is their own anger. All the other emotions are bottled up inside them. They commonly learn to mimic emotions from others, but these remain shallow and manipulated.

They are emotionally blind, with no ability to see the emotions of another person. They have no ability to distinguish between when you are upset or happy. You can be in a great mood, having a wonderful day, and they will ask you, “Why are you upset?” When you are talking with them, it can certainly feel like they don’t hear anything that you are saying. They hear the words, but nothing more. They have no recognition of your feelings and emotions.

They are emotionally challenged. They are unable to genuinely connect with people. They cannot build a relationship of trust, which requires vulnerability. They are not capable of being vulnerable in any way and thus have no ability to compromise or “give” in the relationship. Your explanations of emotional pain simply don’t make sense to them.

They are emotionally needy, wanting everyone else to make them feel better about themselves. It is everyone else’s fault that they are unhappy, and it is everyone else’s job to make them happy, which of course is not possible. They feed off of your emotional energy because they have none of their own. Victims find themselves completely drained and exhausted.

They are emotional vampires, robbing you of all your emotional energy. Feeding off your positive feelings, stealing all your emotional energy, and projecting their emotional negativity onto you. They have no ability to create an environment of emotional safety, leaving you walking on eggshells with your guard on high alert.

None of this creates an environment where you can grow emotionally. You need emotional safety. You need emotional warmth. You need emotional connection. You need emotional freedom. You need emotional strength.

Emotional Validation

“I get all my emotional validation from you.” 

These words were spoken by my covert narcissist husband. At the time, we had been married about 18 years. I had been holding him up emotionally for all of our marriage, catering to his feelings, tap dancing around his moods, and working hard to make him feel good about himself. 

Over and over, we went on this never ending loop. He would get his feelings hurt, and I would work hard to boost him back up. I never knew what was going to upset him or what was going to hurt him, but I always knew that something would. He constantly found a reason to need me to pump him back up emotionally. No matter how hard I tried and how much energy I poured in, it was never enough.

I reached a point of deep exhaustion, totally depleted of any emotional energy. For my own sanity’s sake, I began to pull away from this role of an emotional pump. I desperately needed space for myself, for my needs, for my feelings. I had finally realized that I was not responsible for his feelings!

This all led up to the day when he said to me, “I feel like you are pulling away. You can’t do that. I get all my emotional validation from you.”

I told him that this isn’t fair. Your emotional validation should come from within yourself. No one else can provide that for you. It is too much to ask. It’s not fair to put that on anyone! 

Covert narcissists do not have what it takes to find emotional validation within themselves. They will take it from you as long as you are willing to give it. Stop taking responsibility for their feelings. Their emotions are not your job. The sooner you stop playing that role, the sooner you can focus on your own healing!

Emotional Abuse

Is emotional abuse really abuse? I mean, they don’t hit me. I don’t have bruises or broken bones. They just talk mean to me! Or they just invalidate me, over and over. Or they just ignore me and refuse to talk to me for days on end.

My verbally abusive husband once said to me, “How can I be a bad husband? I have never hit you.” Really? That is your measuring stick. I’ve never tried to run you over with the car. Does that make me a good wife? I would like to think that we have higher standards and expectations than this!

Abuse is defined as cruel treatment. It is defined by physical contact. Emotional abuse is just as bad as if he/she punched you in the face. It is a punch to your heart, to your soul. It is cruel treatment, and it leaves scars. Just because the bruises and scars are internal does not mean that they are not there. In fact, the internal wounds often take much longer to heal because they are so much harder to see.

So yes, it is abuse! It counts, and you can absolutely stand up against it. You can and should stand up for your feelings. You can walk away if you choose. Your feelings matter!! Your feelings count!!

Easier to Do the Work for Them

Covert narcissists are extremely emotionally challenged. They are simply not capable of building healthy, intimate relationships. Their own survival tactics get in the way again and again.

Many victims work so hard to cover for their deficiencies. We do so much extra work to help them build decent relationships. This might be with us, the victim, or with others, such as family members, close friends, even their own kids.

I worked so hard to create a relationship between my husband and his own two boys. Even though he talked so mean to them, I told them that he loves them and cares for them. I came up with so many activities that they could do together in hopes that it would bring some connection. I encouraged the activities, setting things up for everyone, making sure it happened, and even participating too just to help keep the peace. All of this was for the purpose of creating a good relationship between the three of them.

Of course, none of that worked. The relationship between my husband and his boys has always been extremely strained. But why did I do all that work?

After many years of trying to get my husband to interact with kindness and compassion, I became incredibly frustrated and exhausted. I worked so hard to help him to understand, so that he could turn the relationships in a positive direction. None of it helped, and I ran out of ideas. It simply became easier to do the work for him. It was easier, quicker and less frustrating than enduring circular conversations, gaslighting, blame shifting, projecting, and so on. It was the only way I could keep even a small amount of my sanity.

Change Your Expectations

You get mad at him/her because you still expect them to behave like a reasonable person. They have shown over and over that they are not going to do this.

I get asked often, “How do I stop getting mad at them? How do I just ignore the bad behavior?

Stop expecting them to behave like a decent and reasonable person. 

When they show their true colors, instead of getting angry, just say to yourself, “Yeah, here we go again. Some things never change.”

Your own expectation that they treat you with goodness and respect is what allows you to continue to get stabbed in the heart again and again.

Change your expectations. Expect him/her to behave like a jerk. They have shown that over and over. Why wouldn’t you expect it at this point?

Your expectations that they not be that way is actually your own desires coming through. You want them to be reasonable, loving, caring, and respectful. I understand this. I get it. I desired all that too, more intensely than I have ever desired anything in my entire life! 

But this says more about me and who I am than it ever did about my husband. I had to change my expectations to better match my reality.

When you change these expectations, the abusive behavior no longer surprises you. This helps tremendously to keep your anger from rising and to allow you to handle life more peacefully. You can certainly still call them out for the behavior, which of course they will object to. You can still leave the situation, choosing to not engage in their abusive behavior, which will enrage them. But you don’t have to be mad to walk away. You can just choose to not be there.

Don't Give Them This Power

Don’t let them be in control of what kind of person you are. No one should ever have that power in your life.

Who do you want to be? 

A peaceful person?

A compassionate person?

A respectful person?

Who do you want to be for your kids? What do you want them to see in you? You get to decide who you are.

The covert narcissist in your life is showing their true colors over and over. That’s on them! That is theirs to endure. So be it. Let them.

But don’t let them change you. Don’t give them that power. You get to decide who you are.

Be the peaceful and respectful person you want to be. Not because they deserve it. It isn’t about them. Do it because you deserve it. You have the right to be peaceful and happy.

I can treat him with respect because that is who I am.

I’m not saying you should stay. I will NOT stay and let him continue to treat me that way.

I simply walk away. I have better things to do with my time than to stay in any abusive conversation with anyone. I have better things to do with my time than to stay and argue with an abusive person or defend myself against an abusive person.

That is a waste of my time, and a waste of your time.

I want to put my time and my mental energy into positive things in life. Into relationships that matter. My children, my friends, my family members that aren't abusive, my hobbies, my work, and so on.

If they want to be an abusive jerk, let them. But don’t let them turn you into anything you don’t want to be. Don’t give them that power, or anyone else. You get to decide who you are.

Don't Focus On a Diagnosis

Narcissistic people do not go to therapists to get help for themselves. They don’t go to figure out if something is wrong with them. They might go to a therapist, yes. 

Will they be truthful with that therapist? No

Will they be truthful about what the therapist said to them? No

Will they twist everything to their advantage? Yes

Will they charm the therapist, putting their mask on securely? Yes

Toward the very end of my 21 year marriage to a covert narcissist, my husband finally went to a therapist. This was after years of me encouraging him to go talk to one. He had one session. He came home and told me that he had gone. He said that he told the therapist about my theory of narcissism and that the therapist told him that he didn’t see any narcissism in him. He snapped at me, “In fact, he didn’t even see ANY anger in me! All he saw was how hurt I have been by YOU!” 

Do I think for a minute that my covert narcissistic husband showed his true self at that session? Absolutely not! He played his victim role that he is SO good at. That same victim role that hooked me in the first place, seeming so genuine and sincere. So I was not surprised when the therapist didn’t see it. I simply said, “Ok,” and walked away. There was nothing more to say.

Getting an actual diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder is incredibly difficult for so many reasons. You might be asking yourself, “Is my partner actually a narcissist?” You can wear your mind out trying to answer this.

Ultimately it does NOT matter. Whether he/she is or isn’t does NOT actually matter. What matters is how they treat you, day after day. What matters is how they talk to you, how they care or don’t care for your feelings, thoughts, and opinions. What matters is whether you matter to them or not. If you don’t matter to them, if your feelings don’t count to them, that’s abusive! Whatever the label, abuse is abuse, and abuse is wrong!

Do They Mean to Do Harm

"One doesn't have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient."  Charles M. Blow

I made so many excuses for my husband while we were married. I truly believe that he did not mean to harm us. He never struck me or the kids, or even threatened to. He never cussed at me or called me mean names. Yet he did SO much damage to me and to our boys.

It certainly seems that many covert narcissists do not MEAN to inflict harm and pain. Some do, so this may not apply to your situation. In my world, he was not a malicious person.

I hear victims say that they believe their abuser doesn't mean to harm them. I believe what they are saying because I lived it....for multiple decades. In these situations, we end up in a quandary. How can I leave when I believe that he/she doesn't mean to harm me?

Whether they mean harm or not is not the point! It isn’t that they don’t mean to harm you. It is that they don’t mean NOT to harm you! They don’t put effort into taking care of your feelings. They don’t put effort into talking in a way that makes you feel validated, loved and happy. They don’t take to heart the things you are saying to them, reconcile with you and work towards resolution. They may not “mean” to harm you, but they don’t mean to help you either!

The Deep Wounds of Covert Narcissistic Abuse

Covert narcissistic abuse is a very unique type of abuse. Those who have never lived it cannot fully understand the complexities of this abuse. As a victim of it, I can certainly tell when I am talking to someone who has lived it too. They just get it!

One of the extreme complexities of covert narcissistic abuse is that you, the victim, actually join the abuser in abusing yourself! Let me explain what I mean.

You accept the blame, guilt and responsibility that the abuser dishes out to you. You in fact join him/her in blaming yourself and taking full responsibility for fixing the relationship.

You work so incredibly hard to be perfect, losing touch with who you are just to keep this abuser happy or try to. You allow this person’s thoughts, feelings, and opinions matter more than your own and neglect your own needs and desires entirely.

You believe what they say, accepting that they are right, and doubting yourself again and again. You accept their reality, either just to keep the peace or because of your own self-doubt. Either way, you continue the abuse of wiping out your right to matter as a person.

Covert narcissistic abuse leaves deep internal wounds. It not only challenges your right to have thoughts and feelings of your own, but it challenges your right to even exist in the first place. It creates an environment where you join the abuser in hurting yourself, and this has to stop!!

You have NO control over the covert narcissist abuser in your life, but you DO have control over you! Pay attention to that little voice inside your head. That voice that echoes your abuser’s words and attitudes. When that voice speaks up, tell it NO! Tell it to STOP!

That voice will listen, but you must be persistent! At the beginning, it may take 100 times an hour. But it will get much easier as you go! With practice, you will reach a point where a simple nudge will quiet that voice back down.

Criss-Crossed

Life with a covert narcissist is a mixed up life. You try to live in a way that shows love and care for the needs of others. But this gets used against you. You put the needs of others before your own, but they play this to their advantage. You overlook the faults of others, but this blows up in your face. This is life with a covert narcissist.

Unfortunately, victims often completely neglect caring for their own needs. They find themselves completely worn down and empty from the abuse and consequential self-neglect. Here is how it looks. Each first statement is about you, the victim. The second statement is about the covert narcissist, the abuser.

I am willing to take care of the needs of others but not willing to take care of my own needs.

They are willing to take care of their own needs but not willing to take care of the needs of others.

I am willing to overlook the faults of others but not willing to overlook my own faults.

They are willing to overlook their own faults, but not willing to overlook the faults of others.

I am willing to forgive others but not willing to forgive myself.

They are willing to forgive themselves but not willing to forgive others.

I treat others with compassion and understanding, but I treat myself with judgment and harshness.

They treat themselves with compassion and understanding, but they treat others with judgment and harshness.

Let’s make this even more appropriate to the situation (using he because it was my husband, put in whatever pronoun is appropriate for you):

I am willing to care for his needs but not my own.

He is willing to care for his needs but not my own.

I am willing to overlook his faults but not my own.

He is willing to overlook his faults but not my own.

I am willing to forgive him but not me.

He is willing to forgive him but not me.

I treat him with compassion and myself with judgment.

He treats himself with compassion and me with judgment.

Do you see why you are hurting here? Why you are empty and feeling unloved? No one can live like this forever. It is no wonder that you are exhausted and spent! If you don’t start caring for yourself, who will?

Change your sentences to:

I am willing to care for the needs of others AND my own.

I am willing to overlook the faults of others AND my own.

I am willing to forgive others AND myself.

I treat others with compassion and understanding AND myself.

In Love With An Idea

One thing I definitely have learned - They are more in love with the “idea” of being a great person than in actually being one. More in love with the idea of being a great parent than in actually being one. They just want the admiration.

They do not do the necessary work to actually achieve the role of being a great husband/wife or parent. They don’t believe that they need to. They are great just because of who they are. If you don’t support that, then once again they are just a misunderstood victim, their greatness being overlooked once again.

Imagination Burst

The other extremely useful tool is Imagination Burst. Your own imagination is very effective in dealing with all the pain. If you stay with those intense emotions burning all the time, you will exhaust yourself and go crazy. You simply cannot maintain that emotional burn for the long-term. You need to purposefully take a break from it. This is that break!

I want you to use your imagination and imagine what it would be like if none of that abuse actually happened to you. Imagine who you would be right now if you had not gone through all of this. What would you be doing? What would you be thinking? Who would you be? How would you be spending your time and energy?

Do not confuse this with trying to live in denial. You are not trying to convince yourself that none of the abuse happened. You know without a doubt all the abuse that you have suffered. This is using your imagination to your advantage, to push you to better places. It is consciously taking a break from all the hard work of processing the emotions and looking at your life outside of them. Yes do the work, but you must allow your heart and mind to rest and enjoy who you are.

Couples Therapy

I actually tried couples therapy with my husband, a covert narcissist. It did no good for our marriage, but it did validate for me, even more so, what was going on. He threw me under the bus to the therapist, saying things I had never heard before, taking credit for things I had done, and causing me to look pathetic if I objected. Everything was my fault and my responsibility to fix. This became very clear. It was so eye-opening and validating to me that I was in fact dealing with covert narcissistic abuse. I could no longer deny it at all. However, it did nothing to help our marriage.

Covert narcissists use therapy as a way to justify their behaviors and to turn the tables against you. They manipulate anything you say as well as anything the therapist says. I have seen this myself and heard it from many victims too.

If the therapist is not educated about covert narcissism, marriage counseling can certainly work against and actually feed the narcissism. They often charm the therapist and convince them that they are doing all they can to help this marriage. This often causes the victim to get quite frustrated and reactive, giving the therapist even more reasons to believe the narcissist. The therapist then tries to work with you on how you can communicate better, handle your reactions better, and so on. 

When you have been pouring years of intense effort into this marriage and then get told, in front of the covert narcissist, by a therapist that you need to do more, this is maddening. It can often cause the victim to further doubt themselves and pour even more of their quickly dwindling energy into the relationship. This just fuels the covert narcissist even more, as they will continuously throw the therapist’s words in your face to remind YOU of your responsibility.

The only way for couples therapy to be effective is for both people to be willing to carry some of the blame, reflect honestly on their own behaviors, take ownership of their own faults, and be genuinely sorry for ways they have hurt the other person. This can happen in non-narcissistic relationships but is not possible in narcissistic relationships.

Conversations as Competition

Covert narcissists don't use conversations to find understanding, reconciliation, or compromise. They don’t use them to get to know someone better or to connect with another person. Sitting around and just visiting with others is a complete waste of time to them!

Conversations are a tool to be used to their advantage. They are transactions that can be manipulated. They are seen either as an exchange, I give you something and you give me something, or as a competition, I win and you lose. They use conversations to win or gain an advantage.

Conversations are verbal competitions. Most of the time, they seem to want communication to be difficult and a problem. They don’t want to understand. They want only to maintain their position of superiority. In order to truly understand and sympathize with someone, you must allow a moment or two to be about the other person. Narcissistic people absolutely cannot do this. Not even for a tiny moment can life be about someone else. When they can keep the conversation confusing and difficult, it can stay centered around them. Then they have a “duty” to explain and educate the other person, which maintains their superiority and arrogance.

These conversations are antagonistic, combative, and extremely uncomfortable. I reached a point where I said to my friend, “I don’t even know how to have a normal conversation with my husband.” You see, with narcissistic people, there is no such thing as normal conversation. Anyone who has lived this knows exactly what I mean! Stop trying to have normal conversations with them. It is painful and exhausting!