Blog

What Happens when a Narcissist Tries to “Fix” that Broken Relationship?

When does a relationship with a narcissist get worse? When that narcissist decides that they must “fix” the relationship. When they decide to “take charge” of making things right. This is a disaster!

What Does “Fix” the Relationship Mean to a Narcissist?

It means:

  • They tell you all the things you have ever done wrong so that you can change.

  • They tell you all the things that they have ever done right so that you can finally show appreciation.

  • They tell you how they have poured so much effort into fixing things and you have done nothing.

  • They tell you how great of a person they are and how bad of a person you are.

  • They tell you why this is all your fault and your job to change and fix it.

  • They make you feel worse and make them look better, you feel bad and they feel good.

  • They use everything you say, everything you have said, and everything you have not said against you.

  • They circle and deflect, keeping you in the wrong and them in the right, at all times.

  • They barely acknowledge your feelings, if at all. But they are the first ones to tell you about how they feel.

When they say things like, “If we all just talk nicer to each other, then we could get along better,” they mean that everyone should talk nicer to them. They hide behind this statement and its deeper meaning. It means, “Everyone talk nicer to me.” They will still talk however they choose to talk. You can’t call them out on it because we all agreed that we would talk nicer, and that’s not being very nice.

Whey they say, “I feel disrespected and lonely,” they mean that you are not doing your job to make me feel good enough about myself. Problem is it isn’t possible for them to feel good about themselves. So no matter how much you do and how genuine your effort is, you will always fail in their eyes.

When They Come Looking for Validation and Compliments

Mine put me on the spot in one of “those” conversations. He asked me, “Can you give me one compliment? One thing you like about me?” This created a problem in me. All these different adjectives went through my head.

  • Helpful? No

  • Compassionate? No

  • Patient? No

  • Fun-loving? No

  • Kind? No

  • Easy to be around? No

  • Fun to be around? No

  • Easy to talk to? No

  • A good father? No

  • Happy? No

This list went on and on in my mind. I finally said to him that I was grateful for 2 things. I am extremely happy with the 2 boys that this marriage has given me. They are amazing boys, and i am very proud of them. The other thing is that I am grateful to him for providing for the family so that I could stay home and raise our boys. He responded, “So I am a paycheck to you? And you can’t even come up with one nice thing to say about me?”

I did feel a little bad about not being able to come up with something nice to say about him. So I gave it some more thought later. And even with some time to ponder, I still could not come up with positive and truthful compliments.

Instead the list was:

  • Selfish

  • Lazy and unmotivated

  • Mean and rude

  • Quick to anger

  • Hard to be around

  • Hard to talk to

  • Angry

  • Harsh and abrupt

They are Not the Relationship Guru

When someone with these characteristics tries to fix their broken relationship, it just doesn’t turn out so well. What I don’t understand is when they have all these negative traits and are missing so many positive ones, then why are we so quick to listen to them and believe them? I assure you that they are not the relationship guru. They do not have all the answers.

Oh….and by the way….when you step in and try to fix the relationship instead, the results are still about the same. They are going to rub your nose in all the things you ever did wrong.It doesn’t matter who starts the conversation, it will end the same way.

You may feel like you have to put effort into fixing the relationship. I understand that. I never tried so hard at anything in my life. I gave it everything I had. You will not find someone more determined than I was at fixing my broken marriage. So put in the effort, and see how it goes. Listen to their words and their attitude. It takes two to fix a broken marriage. If they are laying all the blame on you, then you are playing solo.As long as that is the case, this isn’t fixable.Simply walk away.