Are you doing all the work for fixing this relationship?

How much effort have you put into communicating with this covert narcissist in your life? How hard have you worked to learn their “language?” To find the “right” words?

Now another question to consider! How much effort have they put into communicating with you? To learning your “language?” To finding the “right” words to communicate in a healthy way with you?

If you are with a covert narcissistic person, then you have probably put years of your life into finding the right way to communicate with them and they have done none of that themselves. They do not reciprocate that effort. It never even occurs to them that maybe, just maybe, they should.

You put all this effort into trying to learn their “language,” but they put NO effort into trying to learn yours. They put NO effort into trying to understand what you are saying, and instead work to make things difficult. Then they sit back and watch you struggle. Come on! This is them choosing not to listen, not to understand.

It isn’t about that they don’t mean to misunderstand you. It is about that they do not put effort into actually understanding you. They don’t put effort into figuring this out and helping the relationship. They don’t work to NOT talk mean and harmful to you.

So, if you think that it is your fault for not being able to explain yourself to them and to not be able to get the abusiveness stopped, you need to take a strong look at reality. This is a huge sign that you are in a relationship with a toxic person, potentially a covert narcissist. It is NOT your fault that they talk so mean to you. It is not YOUR responsibility to make it stop!!!