Someone who has experienced covert narcissistic abuse is like a grenade inside a tank.
On the inside, you are wound up incredibly tight, over-thinking everything, over-analyzing everything, always anticipating the next disaster. Your mind is going a million miles per hour. “Should I say it this way? Should I say it that way? What if I phrase it like this or that? Should I tell them this? Should I keep it to myself? Will they be mad about this? Will that set them off?” Tighter and tighter, your mind is winding you up in a knot, just waiting to explode.
On the outside, you are a fortress of steel. You have a wall of protection around you, afraid to say anything, to do anything, trusting no one, letting no one in. You do not feel emotionally safe on a daily basis, so you close yourself off and shut down. If I keep everything to myself, then I won’t get hurt anymore. Anything I say can and will be used against me, so I surround myself with steel.
A grenade inside a tank!! This disastrous combination takes a huge toll on your health. It creates an environment of explosive energy trapped behind steel walls.
The first step in resolving this is opening the door between you and your own feelings and thoughts. Start asking yourself often, “what am I thinking about?” and “how am I feeling?” Do this free of self-judgment. You have had enough judgment already in your life. You certainly do not need anymore.
Checking in with yourself is one of the greatest forms of self-love and self-healing. It is one that is so easily missed and yet so valuable!