Is This Really Healing… or Just Behavior Management? The Dry Drunk Parallel in Covert Narcissistic Abuse
The Illusion of Peace
She stood at the kitchen sink, coffee growing cold in her hand.
The yelling had stopped. The gaslighting had gone quiet. The emotional landmines? Fewer and farther between.
By all accounts, he had “changed.”
He was sober. He wasn’t disappearing into late-night arguments. He didn’t rage when she brought up a concern.
She had begged for this—for peace. And now that it was here?
She felt worse.
Not in obvious, explosive ways. But in that quiet, gnawing, “something’s still wrong” kind of way.
What Is a “Dry Drunk”?
In recovery circles, a dry drunk refers to someone who has stopped drinking but hasn’t done the emotional work that led them to alcohol in the first place.
They may be sober, but they’re still bitter. Angry. Shut down. Controlling.
They haven’t touched the wounds underneath the addiction—childhood trauma, shame, abandonment, fear. They’ve just removed the painkiller.
And what’s left is a person who’s technically not drinking… but who’s also not growing. Not evolving. Not becoming emotionally safe.
They’re sober, but still unsafe to be close to.
The Lie of “Better Behavior = Healing”
I see this exact dynamic all the time in my coaching work—not just with addiction, but with survivors of covert narcissistic abuse.
Clients tell me things like:
“He stopped lying and raging. I should feel relieved… but I don’t.”
“She’s not gaslighting anymore… but she feels miles away.”
“It’s peaceful now, but I feel emotionally abandoned.”
The outside world sees improvement. The partner sees a polished version of who they once were. But your body knows:
This isn’t healing. It’s behavior management.
And in many cases, it actually feels worse.
Because now you don’t have “proof” of the dysfunction. Now you’re gaslighting yourself.
Covert Narcissism and the Emotional Void
Here’s the truth: people don’t become manipulative, controlling, or emotionally abusive out of nowhere. Those behaviors come from deep internal dysfunction—often rooted in:
Childhood trauma and attachment wounds
Shame and fragile self-worth
Emotional immaturity and dysregulation
Fear of intimacy and vulnerability
A distorted sense of control and identity
When a covert narcissist stops the visible behaviors—lying, guilt-tripping, stonewalling, raging—it doesn’t mean those wounds are gone.
Most of the time, it just means the dysfunction has gone underground.
Instead of yelling, they give you the cold shoulder.
Instead of gaslighting, they stay quiet and bitter.
Instead of cheating, they disconnect and disappear emotionally.
They look calmer, but the emotional energy hasn’t changed. They’ve learned to manage the optics—not do the work.
Why It Feels Worse After They "Get Better"
When the overt abuse stops, it creates a disorienting vacuum. You should feel relieved. Everyone around you might think you’ve finally reached peace.
But in reality, what used to be chaos has now become emptiness.
It’s silent, cold, and distant. There’s no connection. No empathy. No accountability. Just emotional vacancy.
And this is where many survivors spiral—because they think something must be wrong with them for not feeling happy.
But here’s what I need you to hear:
You’re not ungrateful. You’re not too sensitive. You’re not the problem.
You’re just finally sitting in the truth: surface-level behavior change doesn’t equal deep, relational healing.
What True Healing Actually Looks Like
Healing isn’t just about stopping bad behavior.
It’s about building something safe in its place.
True healing looks like:
Genuine self-reflection
Ownership of past harm without defensiveness
Emotional regulation—not suppression
Vulnerability and empathy
The ability to stay present and connected in discomfort
Consistent safety—not just short-term behavior shifts
It’s not about perfection. It’s about emotional availability, growth, and integrity.
If your partner has stopped yelling but still avoids you emotionally…
If they’ve stopped lying but refuse to talk about the past…
If they’ve stopped hurting you overtly but leave you walking on eggshells…
That’s not healing. That’s hiding.
You Deserve More Than the Absence of Harm
If you’re stuck in a relationship that “looks better” but still feels wrong, I want you to know this:
Your nervous system isn’t confused.
It’s telling you the truth.
Just because someone stopped doing the bad doesn’t mean they’ve started doing the good. You don’t have to settle for someone who isn’t hurting you if they’re still not showing up for you.
You deserve more than behavior change. You deserve connection. Honesty. Accountability. Growth. You deserve healing—not image repair.
❤️ Ready to Heal on a Deeper Level?
If this resonated with you, and you’re navigating the aftermath of covert narcissistic abuse or trying to make sense of a partner’s so-called “growth,” I’d love to support you.
I offer 1:1 and group coaching, as well as a full healing program for survivors like you. Learn more at www.covertnarcissism.com.
And if you haven’t already, be sure to subscribe to The Covert Narcissism Podcast for more deep-dive topics like this one.
