Have you ever watched the way your partner treats the family dog or cat and felt a knot in your stomach?
Maybe you've noticed how they speak to the animal, how quickly their patience disappears, or how the pet seems to react differently when they're around.
Sometimes, the family pet sees what we've spent years trying to understand.
How a covert narcissist treats the animals in their home can reveal a great deal about how they view control, power, responsibility, and relationships. And sometimes, the animal's behavior toward them can tell us just as much.
Because the same patterns that show up in relationships with people can show up in relationships with pets, too.
It Isn't Really About the Pet
As with relationships, their treatment of the pet often isn't about the pet. It's about what the pet provides them.
Think about what a dog or cat offers: unconditional affection, excitement, attention, and admiration. They greet you at the door as if you're the most important person in the world. They're happy to see you whether you've been gone an hour or a week.
For someone who craves attention and validation, a pet can become another source of supply.
But there's an important difference between loving an animal and loving what that animal provides.
Where we see a companion and a relationship built on mutual care, a covert narcissist may see an extension of themselves, something that makes them look good, or a source of attention.
The pet can even become a trophy.
They might constantly post pictures, brag about how wonderful their dog is, or show off the animal's tricks when company comes over. Yet behind the scenes, someone else may be doing all the work.
You might be the one feeding the dog, taking it to the vet, walking it every day, cleaning up after it, and spending hours training it.
But when the dog performs a trick in front of company, guess who gets the attention?
They take the glory without doing the work. It's another example of a pattern many survivors recognize all too well.
The question isn't whether someone enjoys showing off their pet. Plenty of loving pet owners do that. The question is what happens when the camera is off and the animal requires patience, responsibility, and consistent care.
Control, Dominance, and the Need to Be in Charge
Pets are dependent on us. They rely on us for food, water, shelter, safety, and affection.
For someone who needs to be dominant and in control, that dependence can become another opportunity to exercise power.
I saw this in my own home.
My husband had to establish that he was in charge, and it wasn't limited to his relationships with me and our children. It extended to our pets.
If we gave our German shepherd a bone while she was happily chewing on it, he would take it away simply to show her who was boss.
When I asked him why, he actually said, "To show her who is in charge."
If she became upset, he would yell at her until she backed down.
Think about the message being communicated:
I will give you affection when I want. I will play with you when I want. I will take away the things you enjoy when I want. And you will not show any unhappiness about it.
Now replace the dog with a spouse or a child.
Does that sound familiar?
For many survivors, it describes exactly what they've experienced in their own relationships.
Fear is not respect. And having the power to control someone doesn't mean you've built a healthy relationship with them.
Love Bombing Followed by Neglect
The same cycle of excessive attention followed by neglect can happen with pets.
At first, the animal might receive everything. The expensive toys, the beautiful bed, the fancy collar, and an overwhelming amount of attention.
The pet becomes a prized possession.
But eventually, the novelty wears off.
Then come the everyday responsibilities: walking the dog in the rain, cleaning up accidents, paying vet bills, dealing with shedding, and getting up early because the animal needs to go outside.
When the pet becomes inconvenient, the attention can disappear.
The animal may be ignored, yelled at, punished, or intimidated for behaving like an animal.
A dog barks at the mail carrier. A cat scratches the furniture. A puppy has an accident on the floor.
These are normal animal behaviors, but someone who takes everything personally may interpret them as disrespect or defiance.
And suddenly, the reaction is completely out of proportion.
We've seen this same pattern with children and spouses. A small mistake becomes a major offense. A forgotten errand becomes proof that nobody cares. A normal human reaction becomes an attack.
Everything becomes personal because everything is about them.
When the Pet Becomes a Pawn
Another way pets can become part of the dynamic is through triangulation.
Triangulation happens when a third party is brought into a relationship to create competition, jealousy, insecurity, or instability.
And yes, that third party can have four legs.
It might look like saying, "At least the dog is happy to see me," to make a partner feel inadequate.
It might mean lavishing affection on the pet in front of someone who hasn't received kindness or affection in weeks.
Or it might involve using the pet to gain sympathy and attention from others.
But this behavior can become especially painful during separation and divorce.
If you have a strong bond with your pet, that relationship may become another source of leverage.
Your partner might threaten to give the animal away, refuse to let you see it, or use visitation and ownership as a way to prolong conflict.
They may not have been particularly involved in the animal's care before. But suddenly, they insist on having control.
It isn't necessarily about how much they love the pet. It may be about knowing how much the animal means to you.
If you're experiencing this, I want you to understand something: your grief and fear are real. That animal may have been your closest companion through some of the hardest years of your life. You aren't being silly or overly emotional for wanting to protect that relationship.
What Does This Do to the Animal?
Animals are incredibly responsive to their surroundings.
They notice changes in our moods, the tension in a room, and the emotional atmosphere in their home.
When care and attention are inconsistent, when affection is followed by harshness, and when the environment feels unpredictable, animals can become anxious and stressed.
You might notice:
Hiding or cowering when someone enters the room.
Becoming unusually clingy with one person.
Avoiding or withdrawing from another person.
Increased barking, growling, or snapping.
Guarding food, toys, or favorite spaces.
Becoming more reactive or unsettled.
Sometimes these behaviors are then used against the animal.
"That dog is aggressive."
"That dog is out of control."
"That dog doesn't respect me."
And the response may be to become even more controlling, making the situation worse.
I've seen something similar happen to survivors.
When you live in an unpredictable environment long enough, you can become reactive, defensive, jumpy, and hypervigilant. Then those reactions are used as evidence that you're the problem.
"You're too sensitive."
"You're so emotional."
"See, this is why I can't talk to you."
The dog doesn't get to explain herself. But you do.
And part of healing is recognizing that your reactions may have made sense given the environment you were living in.
What My German Shepherd Knew
I want to share something that happened in my own home.
The day my husband moved out, my German shepherd changed.
Before that day, she had become increasingly reactive. She was opinionated, sometimes snarled at us, and I was genuinely worried she might eventually bite him.
But when he moved out, something shifted.
She had never been allowed on our bed. Yet that day, I walked upstairs and found her lying right in the middle of what was now MY bed.
Her tail was wagging. She was relaxed. She looked completely comfortable.
It was almost as if she was saying, "This is our place now."
Over time, her reactions settled down. She became more cooperative, relaxed, and comfortable in her environment.
I had spent years questioning whether my reactions to my husband were reasonable. I had been told, in so many different ways, that I was too sensitive, too reactive, and that the problem was me.
But my dog didn't have that history.
She didn't have my upbringing, my memories, or my doubts. She wasn't trying to protect a relationship or make excuses for anyone.
She simply responded to what was happening around her.
And when the tension left, she relaxed.
That doesn't prove anything in a courtroom. But for me, it was a gift. It was a quiet confirmation from the one member of our household who had no reason to take sides.
Her reactions became one more piece of evidence I could hold onto when I started questioning myself.
Listening to the Witness
If you shared a home with someone whose treatment of animals made you uncomfortable, I want you to think about a few things.
How did your pet respond to this person compared to how it responded to you or other people?
Did your animal seem relaxed, or did it seem to brace itself when that person entered the room?
Did you notice your pet hiding, becoming quiet, or staying close to you when the tension in the home increased?
Did you ever excuse or explain away the way your partner treated the animal, just as you excused or explained away the way they treated you?
And here's one more question:
If you believed your pet's reactions were valid, what would that say about your own reactions?
You would never tell a frightened dog that she's being dramatic. You would want to help her feel safe. You would give her time, patience, and reassurance.
You deserve that same care.
Protecting Your Pet During Separation and Divorce
If you're preparing to leave an abusive relationship and are concerned about your pet, there are some practical steps you can take.
Document the care. Keep records of who pays for food, veterinary care, grooming, and licensing. Keep track of who walks, trains, feeds, and provides daily care for the animal.
Talk to an attorney. Ask specifically about how pets are handled during separation and divorce. In many places, pets are legally treated as property, although laws vary. If threats have been made toward your animal, ask whether protective orders in your state can include pets.
Explore available resources. Some domestic violence shelters and programs help survivors find safe arrangements for their animals. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) can help connect you with resources in your area.
And please don't assume you have to figure everything out alone.
I understand how difficult this can be. For some survivors, the family pet has been the one consistent source of uncomplicated love in an otherwise painful home.
You deserve to be safe, and your pet deserves to be safe, too.
You Were Not Imagining It
How someone treats an animal can tell us a great deal about how they view power, responsibility, empathy, and relationships.
If something about the way your partner treated your dog or cat made you uncomfortable, don't automatically dismiss what you noticed.
The pet didn't need a diagnosis to respond to what was happening. Neither do you.
The next time you find yourself questioning your memory, your feelings, or your reactions, remember the witness who had no reason to lie.
Remember the dog who growled, the cat who disappeared under the bed, or the animal who finally relaxed when the tension in the home was gone.
And remember this:
You're allowed to relax, too. You're allowed to take up the middle of the bed.
This Is Not Okay: You Deserve to Understand What You've Lived Through
If this article has brought up memories or made you reconsider things you once dismissed, I want you to know that you aren't alone.
My book, This Is Not Okay: Escaping the Invisible Grip of Covert Narcissistic Abuse, was written for those who have spent years questioning their reality, struggling to explain what they've experienced, and wondering whether they were somehow the problem.
It helps put language to the invisible patterns of covert narcissistic abuse and offers a path toward understanding, untangling, and healing.
You are not imagining it. You are not alone. And this is not okay.
The book is available now in paperback, ebook, and audiobook.
Visit www.covertnarcissism.com to learn more.
This article is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional clinical care. The experiences and patterns discussed reflect personal experiences and stories shared over many years. They should not be used to diagnose or label any specific individual.
