Covert Narcissism and Fight or Flight: 8 Tools to Break the Spiral
Have you ever felt your chest tighten before your phone even finishes ringing?
Maybe you see his name on your screen and immediately feel your body change.
Or maybe a friend invites you to dinner, and before you’ve even told your partner, you’re already rehearsing how you’re going to explain yourself.
Maybe you’re taking a class, going to work, meeting a friend, or simply doing something ordinary—and instead of enjoying it, part of your mind is already thinking:
How is he going to react?
What mood will he be in when I get home?
Is this going to become a problem?
These moments may look insignificant from the outside. But when you’ve spent years experiencing unpredictable reactions, criticism, withdrawal, guilt, or conflict around ordinary parts of your life, your body can learn to anticipate danger before anything actually happens.
That is hypervigilance.
And it can be exhausting.
Your Body Learned to Brace
One of the things I want survivors to understand is that these reactions aren't necessarily about the phone call, the dinner, or the class.
They're about what your body has learned to expect.
When ordinary things repeatedly come with an emotional price—silent treatment, criticism, anger, guilt, accusations, or some other reaction—you can begin to associate autonomy with danger.
You make plans.
You pay a price.
You spend time with friends.
You pay a price.
You take a class.
You pay a price.
Eventually, your nervous system starts anticipating the price before you've even done anything.
That is why you might find yourself bracing in the grocery store, at work, in the classroom, or lying in bed at night.
Your body has learned the pattern.
And this doesn't mean you're "too sensitive."
It doesn't mean you're weak.
It doesn't mean you're overreacting.
Your nervous system is attempting to protect you based on what it has experienced repeatedly.
The problem is that eventually the alarm can start going off even when the immediate situation isn't dangerous.
Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn
Fight or flight is part of the body's survival response. When your brain perceives a threat—whether that threat is immediate or something your nervous system has learned to associate with danger—your body can become activated.
Your heart may race.
Your breathing may change.
Your muscles may tense.
Your thoughts may speed up.
You may feel an overwhelming urge to act, escape, defend yourself, or make the situation better immediately.
And fight or flight isn't the only way this response can appear.
You may:
Fight: become angry, defensive, or feel an overwhelming need to argue your point.
Flight: want to escape, leave, disappear, or avoid the situation altogether.
Freeze: become quiet, numb, disconnected, or unable to figure out what to say.
Fawn: immediately apologize, appease, explain, or try to make the other person happy.
These aren't four completely different problems.
They're different ways your nervous system may have learned to survive.
Why "Just Calm Down" Doesn't Work
One of the most frustrating things about being activated is knowing intellectually that you're safe while your body is screaming that you're not.
You may tell yourself:
"I'm fine."
"This isn't a big deal."
"I need to calm down."
But your body isn't necessarily responding to logic in that moment.
That's why trying to simply think your way out of the reaction can be so difficult.
Instead of fighting the response, try working with your body.
That brings us to the tools.
8 Tools for When Your Body Starts to Spiral
You don't need to use all eight.
In fact, I recommend choosing one or two that feel realistic for you and practicing them when you're calm. That way, they're easier to remember when you're activated.
1. Match & Release
When you're emotionally overwhelmed, your body may have a tremendous amount of physical energy.
Instead of forcing yourself to immediately become calm, try giving your body a safe way to release some of that energy.
You might:
Shake your arms and body.
Do jumping jacks.
Run up and down stairs.
Stomp your feet.
Move your body vigorously for a short period of time.
The goal isn't to punish yourself or become more agitated.
It's to allow some of that physical activation to move through you.
Once the intensity begins to come down, then move into grounding.
2. Cold Shock
Cold sensations can be a quick way to shift your physical state.
Try splashing cool or cold water on your face, running cool water over your wrists, or holding something cold.
If cold exposure causes you discomfort or isn't appropriate for you, skip this one and choose another tool.
3. Deep Roar
Sometimes your body needs to make noise.
If you're somewhere private—or safely alone in your car—you can try a forceful vocalization such as a growl, roar, or strong exhale.
It may feel ridiculous at first.
That's okay.
Sometimes healing isn't particularly dignified.
The goal is to interrupt the tension and give yourself permission to express some of the energy your body is holding.
4. Squeeze & Drop
This is a quieter option when you can't jump around or shake your entire body.
Tense your muscles for several seconds.
Clench your fists.
Tighten your shoulders.
Tighten your legs and core.
Then release everything at once.
You can do this sitting at a desk, in your car, or even standing in line.
No one has to know.
5. Circuit Breaker
Sometimes the best tool is simply leaving the environment for a moment.
Go outside.
Walk to another room.
Step into your car.
Take a short walk.
Get some fresh air.
This isn't necessarily avoidance.
Sometimes your nervous system needs a change in environment before it can begin to settle.
Think of it as flipping the circuit breaker.
6. Butterfly Tapping
Cross your arms over your chest and gently alternate tapping your left and right shoulders.
Left.
Right.
Left.
Right.
Keep the rhythm slow and steady.
This is a form of bilateral stimulation that some people find calming and grounding.
It's also discreet enough to use when you're somewhere you don't want other people to know you're struggling.
7. Weighted Pressure
Sometimes your body responds well to firm, steady pressure.
You can:
Give yourself a firm hug.
Press your palms firmly against a wall.
Wrap yourself in a blanket.
Use a weighted blanket if that is comfortable and appropriate for you.
The goal is to provide your body with a steady physical sensation that can help you feel more grounded.
8. Get Curious
This may be my favorite tool.
When you're deeply reactive, your brain is focused on what is happening and what you need to do about it.
Curiosity changes the question.
Instead of immediately reacting, ask yourself:
What will happen if I don't act on this in the next five minutes?
Why does this feel so urgent?
Where am I feeling this in my body?
What would help my body feel better right now?
If I had to give this feeling a name, what would I call it?
Is it fear?
Dread?
Grief?
Anger?
Shame?
Feeling like you're in trouble?
The goal isn't to talk yourself out of the feeling.
It's to become an observer of the feeling.
You are creating just enough space between you and the reaction to interrupt the spiral.
The Sequence Matters
One thing I've learned is that you don't necessarily have to jump straight into quiet grounding techniques when your body is at its highest level of activation.
Sometimes your body needs to move first.
Think:
Curiosity → Physical Release → Grounding
First, get curious.
Then, if necessary, give your body a safe way to discharge some of that physical energy.
Then move into grounding.
Deep breathing.
Sensory awareness.
Music.
Feeling your feet on the floor.
Noticing what's around you.
The goal isn't to force yourself to become perfectly calm.
The goal is to help your body come back down.
What About Prevention?
These tools are incredibly useful when you're already activated.
But there is another piece of healing that matters just as much: lowering your baseline.
If your nervous system is constantly operating at a high level of alertness, you're going to spend a lot of time putting out fires.
Prevention means working on the system when you aren't in crisis.
That might include:
Regulating regularly
Practice calming and regulating activities when you're already relatively calm—not only when you're overwhelmed.
Protecting your sleep
Sleep deprivation can make emotional regulation much harder. Rest isn't a luxury when you're healing. It's part of taking care of your nervous system.
Moving your body
Regular movement can be another way to release accumulated stress and support overall regulation.
Rebuilding your outside world
Isolation can make everything feel bigger.
Reconnect with friends.
Find community.
Have people in your life who aren't part of the relationship dynamic.
Your entire emotional world should not have to revolve around one person's moods.
Learning your triggers
Pay attention to the situations that consistently activate you.
Maybe it's making plans.
Maybe it's coming home after spending time with friends.
Maybe it's receiving a certain type of text.
Maybe it's silence.
When you know your patterns, you can recognize activation sooner.
Practicing small boundaries
You don't have to begin with the biggest, hardest boundary of your life.
Start small.
Practice using your voice in situations that feel safer.
Writing down reality
When your perception has repeatedly been questioned, documenting your own experience can help you stay connected to what you actually experienced.
What happened?
What did you feel?
What did you observe?
You don't need to convince anyone else.
This is about staying connected to yourself.
Reducing unnecessary exposure
When you have choices about how often you communicate, how much you explain, or how available you make yourself for escalating conversations, reducing unnecessary exposure can give your nervous system fewer opportunities to go into alarm mode.
Of course, this isn't possible for everyone—especially when children, co-parenting, finances, or other circumstances require continued contact.
Do what is realistically available to you.
Your Body Isn't Betraying You
I think about that woman in the grocery store.
Phone against her ear.
Chest tight.
Hands cold.
Bracing before anything had even happened.
I wish I could go back and tell her something.
Your body isn't betraying you.
Your body learned to protect you.
It learned through repetition.
Phone call by phone call.
Conversation by conversation.
Reaction by reaction.
And just as your nervous system learned to brace, it can gradually learn something different.
Not through willpower.
Not by telling yourself to stop overreacting.
Not by pretending you aren't afraid.
But by understanding what is happening, learning tools that help you move through activation, and creating a life where your nervous system has more opportunities to experience safety.
And I want to be honest about something:
This isn't a one-time fix.
I still catch myself bracing sometimes.
A delayed text.
A silence in a room.
A situation that reminds my body of something it learned a long time ago.
That's not failure.
It's an old pattern taking time to unlearn.
The difference is that now I recognize what's happening.
I have language for it.
And I have tools.
Some days curiosity is enough.
Some days my body needs movement first.
Some days I need to shake it out, walk, breathe, and then ground myself.
All of that is okay.
The goal isn't to become a person who never gets activated.
The goal is to become someone who can come back down faster, recognize what is happening sooner, and trust herself again.
If your body has been bracing for a long time, be patient with it.
It was trying to protect you.
Now you can begin teaching it something new.
A note from Renee: The information provided by Renee Swanson, the Covert Narcissism Podcast, and CNG Life Coaching is for educational purposes only. It is not intended for diagnosis or to substitute for clinical care. Please consult an appropriate health care provider for guidance specific to your situation.
This material discusses narcissism in general. Renee shares experiences from her own life and from conversations with survivors over many years. This material does not claim that any specific person has narcissism and should not be used to make or support an allegation that a specific person is a narcissist. Permission is not granted to link to or repost this material for that purpose.
