Addicted to the Fix: Why Covert Narcissists Keep Pulling You Back Into the Pit
You’re not addicted to them.
You’re addicted to the relief.
In a relationship with a covert narcissist, what looks like love is often something far more dangerous — trauma bonding. It’s a cycle of emotional highs and devastating lows, designed not to nurture connection, but to control it.
And if you've ever asked yourself why the bad moments keep getting worse, why you keep trying harder even when you're running on empty — this post is for you.
The Push-Pull Pattern of Covert Narcissistic Abuse
Living with a covert narcissist means living on a rollercoaster.
One moment, they’re adoring you — telling you you’re the best thing that ever happened to them, recounting every beautiful memory you've shared, declaring that you're their soulmate.
And then, without warning, the switch flips.
Suddenly, you’re the villain.
They say every memory is ruined, that you’ve only ever made their life worse.
They become cold, distant, even cruel.
This is the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde dynamic — and it’s not random. It’s engineered to destabilize you, confuse you, and keep you emotionally chasing the “good” version of them.
The Addictive Highs of Trauma Bonding
So why do you stay?
It’s not because you’re weak or naïve. It’s because you’re neurologically and emotionally bonded to the cycle.
This cycle releases dopamine — the same brain chemical activated by powerful drugs like cocaine.
Yes, you read that right.
When the narcissist offers you a moment of relief after chaos — a sweet word, a soft touch, a return to normal — your brain releases dopamine. It feels euphoric. You feel safe again. You feel “close.”
But it’s not love. It’s addiction — to the spike of emotional safety that follows emotional starvation.
The problem is, that high only comes after the crash.
And over time, you start to crave it. You start working harder to earn it.
That’s trauma bonding.
What They’re Really Addicted To
While you’re hooked on the ups, the covert narcissist is hooked on the downs.
They’re addicted to your Fix-It Mode — the energy you pour into them when things fall apart.
When they spiral, you show up. You cancel your plans. You make their favorite dinner. You validate every feeling. You prove your love. You center their pain.
And that attention? That emotional labor?
That’s their drug of choice.
They don't want consistent love and connection.
They want the flood of energy you give them when they’re in crisis — because that’s when they feel most powerful and most in control of you.
When Their Pit Stops Working
At first, it doesn’t take much for them to pull you in — a moody silence, a guilt trip, a little self-pity.
But then… something shifts.
You start waking up. You hesitate. You ask yourself, “Why am I the only one trying?” You pause before fixing.
And suddenly, their usual tactics don’t work anymore.
So what happens next?
They go deeper.
Now the pit isn’t just sadness — it’s weaponized despair.
They escalate with more intense guilt, threats of abandonment, accusations of betrayal, emotional shutdowns.
Because your Fix-It Mode has become harder to access…
they have to fall further to trigger it.
And every time you respond to that escalation, you reinforce the pattern:
If they fall apart big enough, you’ll show up harder.
This Is Not a Relationship. It’s a Cycle of Control.
Here’s the hardest truth of all:
They don’t want healing. They want your reaction.
They don’t want resolution.
They want your emotional servitude.
And they will keep creating chaos to activate the part of you that rushes in to soothe, stabilize, and fix.
It’s not that you’re too sensitive. It’s that your empathy has been exploited.
Breaking the Cycle: The Emotional Detox
The only way out is to stop playing the game.
Stop rushing to fix what they intentionally keep breaking.
Stop proving your love to someone who’s weaponizing your care.
Understand this:
You can’t love someone out of the pit they keep jumping into.
You can’t fix someone who’s addicted to being broken — because being broken guarantees your attention.
When you stop responding, they may escalate. They may rage. They may beg.
That’s not because they’ve changed — it’s because they’re losing access to your Fix-It Mode.
And that’s when your healing begins.
You Are Allowed to Stop Fixing
You are not here to rescue someone from pits they keep digging.
You are allowed to stop pouring your energy into someone who thrives in chaos.
You are allowed to choose peace over performance.
Because love shouldn’t feel like survival.
And if it does — it’s time to call it what it is:
A trauma bond. Not a relationship.
💬 Ready to Break Free?
If this resonates with you, know that you’re not alone. These patterns are deeply rooted, but they can be broken.
I work with survivors every day who are reclaiming their peace, identity, and energy after years of trauma bonding and emotional abuse.
If you’re ready to take your next step, click here to learn more about my coaching services.
And if this article helped bring clarity, please share it — your story may be the mirror someone else needs.
