Renee Swanson 11/11/24 Renee Swanson 11/11/24

Covert Narcissists Need a Supply and a Scapegoat

Narcissistic people need two dominant things: supply and scapegoats. They need someone who cares for their every need and want. This supply feeds their ego, boosting them up, laughing at all of their jokes, hanging on every word they say, and giving them all of their attention. In addition, they need scapegoats. Nothing is ever their fault, so they need somewhere for their blame to go, all the time. Everything that has ever gone wrong in their life is to be blamed on someone or something else.

Let’s play a little game of who am I

“I want people to worship the ground I walk on. Clearly I deserve it. Everyone is thinking about me all the time. They think about what I’m doing. They think about what I want. They think about how much they want to be like me. They think about how awesome I am.”

Who am I? Would you say a narcissist?

“I want to blame everything on others. Everything is their fault. Coworkers, family, neighbors. They screwed up everything. They didn’t do anything right. They really should be thinking about how not to upset me. I can’t believe how clueless and horrible they are.”

Who am I? Again, another narcissist

“I want this one person to worship me. This one person must think about me all the time. He/She must validate me at all times, support everything I do, agree with everything I say, and think I am amazing.”

Who am I? A covert narcissist

“You are doing everything wrong. You can’t ever get anything right. You should really be glad that I am here to help you because you mess everything up all the time. Things aren’t partly your fault. They are completely your fault. You are 100% to blame for anything and everything.”

Once again, a covert narcissist

Covert narcissistic individuals zero in on one person. They become laser focused on YOU. What you are thinking, what you are doing, who you are with, and what you are saying. They have picked you out as the target of their attention and thus your whole world must now center around them. They don’t want the attention of everyone in the room, but they certainly want ALL of your attention.

In the same way, covert narcissists don’t need to blame the whole world for their problems. They have you. You become their sole scapegoat. Everything, and I mean everything, is 100% your fault. Not partly your fault, but rather completely your fault. As you naturally pull back from this painful situation, it is only a matter of time before you are no longer their supply, but you are firmly their scapegoat.

If you are out together, you must make sure you are sitting right beside them. You must be sure to hold their hand, smile at them, laugh at all their jokes, cling to every word that comes out of their mouth. They have chosen you and thus you now give up your own identity to become an extension of them.

They don’t want the attention of everyone in the room. That is the overt narcissist’s style. They don’t want/need everyone to worship them. They believe they deserve it, but they also believe that no one else realizes this. So they are a constant victim of everyone’s ignorance. So instead they just focus on one person’s attention…yours.

Overt narcissists are focused on more people and winning the attention of more people.

Covert narcissists are focused on one person and winning that one person’s full attention.

What is narcissistic supply?

I remember the first time I heard this phrase. I thought it sounded kind of harsh. I’m not a supply to him. He doesn’t see me as supply. That doesn’t make sense. Supply is something to be consumed. This is a relationship, not an economic transaction. There is no supply and demand here. At least, I didn’t think there was. Yet, the more I watched, the more I paid attention to his interactions with me, the more I realized that perhaps he did.

Maybe this was a supply and demand relationship. The transaction was an emotional transaction. I had all the supply and he had all the demand. I had the emotional care, empathy, attention, and genuineness. I had all the goods, and he brought all the demand. He brought a deficit of emotional care, empathy, attention and genuineness. He even told me once that I wasn’t allowed to pull away from him because he gets all his emotional validation from me. This was a relationship built on the concept of supply and demand. No wonder everything felt transactional. It was.

Narcissistic people need supply. Covert narcissists want one supplier, and they want all of that one supplier’s stuff. In farming terms, the consumer, the narcissist, doesn’t want to get their corn from multiple farms. They want just one supplier. But they want to then control that one supplier. I am taking all of your product, thus you will do this my way. You will run your machines the way I tell think you should. You will trim your crops the way I think you should. And you can’t give your corn to any other buyer. I am the only one for you.

So you can’t give your emotional energy to anyone else. You can’t offer your attention and care to others without it being a problem. This includes your friends, your family, even your own children. Remember, the covert narcissist doesn’t want to share you with others.

What is Narcissistic Scapegoat?

Now I said they need supply and they need a scapegoat. So let’s describe what a scapegoat is. A scapegoat is someone to blame. The definition is really that simple. Do you know where the term scapegoat comes from? This term comes from Christian literature. It comes from the Bible, the book of Leviticus. In Leviticus, the sins of the people are symbolically placed upon a goat. That goat is then released into the wilderness. It symbolically carried the weight of everyone’s sins, freeing them from the responsibility and the consequences.

The word was first used by Protestant scholar William Tyndale in the 1500s. This scholar was translating the Hebrew Bible into English. He coined the phrase scapegoat based on this ancient religious practice.

That’s a great deal for the people. You can sin all you want. When the time comes, we will lay all the sins on the goat and release the goat into the wilderness. Scapegoating has continues as a phrase today to mean laying the responsibility for your crimes, sins, bad behavior onto someone else. I blame that other person and they have to deal with the consequences. Not me. This is a great deal for the perpetrator.

How does this play out for the covert narcissist? They do the bad behavior - yell at you, rage at the kids, slam the door and lock themselves in the room, give you the silent treatment for weeks. All of this antagonistic and manipulative behavior. When they are called out on it, they blame it on you.

“If you had not spilled the milk, I wouldn’t have gotten mad and yelled at you.”

“If you hadn’t bought the wrong kind of milk, I wouldn’t have slammed the door.”

“If you hadn’t fussed at me about not picking my stuff up, I wouldn’t have raged at the kids.”

You know, everyone gets mad at times. Everyone has those moments. But not everyone yells and calls people names. Not everyone slams doors and rages at the kids. People get mad, but people have a checkpoint on their behavior. I might be mad, but if I yell at people, then they will feel bad. I don’t want them to feel bad, so I keep my behavior in check. I am concerned about the feelings of others and want to protect them. This is empathy.

Narcissistic people do not have empathy. So they do not have a checkpoint to stop their impulsive behavior. They don’t have a way to see how their behavior will affect others. We all have impulsive thoughts. That moment where you just want to scream at the person in front of you. I can’t believe you don’t understand what I am saying! How could you not get this! But not all of us act on our impulsive desires and put others down. We recognize that this will hurt that person. It will upset them and cause them to feel bad, and we don't want that. So we keep our reactions in check. This is empathy.

I want to give you an example here

Let’s say that your partner comes over to go out with you. You comment that you don’t think their shirt is fancy enough for the restaurant you are headed to. They become extremely defensive and reactive to your words. They jump in their car and aggressively drive to their apartment to change. On the way, their aggressive and erratic driving causes them to get in an accident. Now they are super mad at you. “Because you didn’t like my shirt, I got into an accident.” Wrong! You are allowed to voice your opinion about the shirt. You did not make them drive anywhere and certainly did not choose their mindset behind the wheel. Laying the blame on you is scapegoating.

This is how you fall from the pedestal in a narcissistic relationship. You are their supply. As such, you are practically worshiped. You are protected, cared for, and important. As you go through life with the CN, you pull away from the role of supplier. Maybe you realize this and maybe you don’t, but you no longer supply the covert narcissist. Well, now you become the scapegoat. Everything is your fault. It absolutely cannot be the covert narcissist’s fault.

It is time to refuse to be their goat. No more! They are responsible for their actions and behaviors, period! Not you.

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

Renee Swanson 7/17/24 Renee Swanson 7/17/24

Covert Narcissists are Adult Bullies

Bullying is NOT a kid’s problem. Someone recently said to me that we deal with bullies in our childhood. Teen years, there may be a few bullies here and there, but not really. By adulthood, we are past all that kid stuff. Well, this got me to thinking. Are we really past all the bullying behavior in adulthood? I sure don’t feel like we are.

So I looked up the definition of bullying. Bullying is the use of force, coercion, hurtful teasing or threat, to abuse, aggressively dominate or intimidate. The behavior is often repeated and habitual. One essential prerequisite is the perception of an imbalance of physical or social power. This imbalance distinguishes bullying from conflict. This screams covert narcissism.

Bullying Amongst Children

We talk about bullying when it comes to our kids. Schools are adamant that it has to get stopped. Rules and regulations exist to help with this. Yet when we talk about this behavior within our marriage, people blow it off. They don’t take it seriously. They don’t believe us, or they tell us it’s no big deal. This includes attorneys and mediators. Courts tell us we can’t even talk about it.

Imagine bullying happening in a school and the principal of the school tells the student that they can’t talk about the bullying behavior. What if the principal told the victim of bullying that you can’t use words like “teasing” or “ridiculing?” It would be impossible for this victim then to truly explain what is happening.

The American Psychological Association defines bullying as a form of aggressive behavior in which someone intentionally and repeatedly causes another person injury or discomfort. Bullying can take the form of physical contact, words, or more subtle actions.

In other words, it does not have to be a physical strike in order to be defined as bullying. Words absolutely count and more subtle actions beyond that.

Teasing and name-calling is bullying.

Teasing can be what the world would call petty, trivial, or small. It might be a small joke at your expense. But if you do not want to be teased, then the behavior should stop!

It doesn’t matter whether the teasing is “in fun” or not. It doesn’t matter whether the words or name they are calling you is crude or not.

If someone does not wish to be called that name, then the behavior should stop.

If you do not wish to be joked with in this way, then the behavior should stop.

When that boundary is not honored or respected, this is a form of bullying. Covert narcissists do not honor boundaries. When you have voiced your boundary, and the other person refuses to honor it or makes fun of you for having it, this is bullying. This is an intentional choice to cause you discomfort and emotional, mental, psychological injury.

Golden Rule and covert narcissism

Let’s talk about the Golden Rule for a minute here. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

This can seem like a good model to follow, and it can be. But it can also create some problems.

If I want to be treated with respect and have my boundaries honored, then this should certainly go both ways. I should respect others and honor their boundaries. But they get to decide what those boundaries are for themselves. I don’t.

My boundaries may not work for them. If I want to be teased and called names in jest, and thus conclude that I have the “right” to do this to others whether they want it or not, then this is a misuse of that golden rule. It is not okay.

So a covert narcissist that continues calling you a name because they don’t think it is a big deal, this is a form of bullying. If your name of choice is Mary Elizabeth, and they keep calling them Beth, and you have asked you to stop, their refusal to stop is mean, disrespectful, and bullying. They don’t think it is a big deal because to them it isn’t. But to you it is, and they don’t have to understand why.

A covert narcissistic person that plays only by their own rules will decide that you are making a big deal out of nothing and that it is still okay for them to call you Beth. “What’s the harm? Why is it such a big deal? What’s wrong with you?”

Now the covert narcissist might like being called nicknames, so they continue doing this with you. The Golden Rule does not help here if it is being thought of on a shallow and superficial level. I like being called names, so I have the right to do this to others. This is imposing my own boundaries onto others.

I don’t care if the name they wish to call you is “Pumpkin,” and they think it is endearing, if you do not like it and ask them to stop, then they should stop. Each of us is allowed to decide what our own boundaries for ourselves are.

So instead of “do unto others as I want to be treated, maybe the Golden Rule should say, “Do unto others as they want to be treated.”

Public teasing

Public teasing is a very controlling form of bullying. You, as the victim of it, are trapped. If you react or speak out, it makes everyone there uncomfortable. You know that if you react, the narcissist will compound the situation. They may roll their eyes, make rude facial expressions, and ridicule their victims by mimicking or more teasing.

Those around you might try to laugh it off, in an attempt to settle the situation or to keep peace with the narcissist. One of the rules about narcissism is that the meanest one in the room gets to make the rules. The loudest one, the most vocal one, the one that makes everyone else the most uncomfortable, so everyone works to keep them content, and it comes at your expense. This is incredibly isolating in a situation where you already feel extremely isolated.

smear campaigns is bullying

Another bullying behavior is spreading rumors about someone or intentionally embarrassing someone in a public setting. Ever hear of a smear campaign?

A narcissistic smear campaign is when the narcissist attempts to discredit their target by spreading lies about them, exaggerating their faults or weaknesses, and turning others in the family and circle of friends against them. It can include discrediting them as a parent and turning the kids against them.

Covert narcissists work to control the narrative. They tell the story they want to tell, no matter how far it may be from the truth. Things get exaggerated, blown out of proportion, and taken out of context. Parts of the story get embellished, with just enough trust to confuse those listening. When a narcissist has lost control over their target, the smear campaign is often soon to follow. They are re-establishing their sense of control by working to destroy your reputation and the way others see you.

This bullying behavior works to isolate you from your support network. Your family and friends may believe the narrative of the covert narcissist and in essence turn against you. Or at the very least doubt you. Maybe they don’t entirely buy it, but it may cause them to pull back from you in order to avoid the drama. At a time when you need their support the most, the bully in your life uses their manipulative tactics to push your support away from you.

Another element of the smear campaign is that the narcissist can often play it so that they come out looking good. They tell their narrative under the guise of “just being concerned.” They will say things such as, “I’m just letting you know this because I really care.” Their supposed concern for you causes them to reach out to your family and friends “just trying to help.” But in these conversations, they air out everything you have ever done or said, out of context, with embellishments, making you look crazy, while they look like the concerned partner. You can see how this influences the perspectives of family and friends, causing them to doubt you and to pull away.

sexual forms of bullying

Other forms of bullying include inappropriate sexual comments and gestures. Just because this is your spouse or partner does not give them the right to make sexual comments that you don’t like. They might try to claim that right. They might even want you to treat them this way. But that goes back to what I was saying about the golden rule.

A narcissist’s view of the golden rule is to treat you the way they want to be treated. So because they like the crude sexual comments and gestures, they have a right to treat you this way and in fact to demand it in return.

My view of the golden rule is to respect someone the way I want to be respected. I want my boundaries honored, and I want to honor their boundaries. They get the right to define their own boundaries, just like I get the right to define mine. It’s going to look different for them, so if this is someone I care about, I want to learn what respect looks like for them, and I hope that they will do the same for me.

Power imbalance

The last piece of the definition from the American Psychological Association that I would like to address is “One essential requirement for something to be labeled as bullying - the perception of an imbalance of physical or social power. This imbalance distinguishes bullying from conflict.”

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention includes this language in their definition too. They talk about the behavior involving an observed or perceived power imbalance and is repeated multiple times or is highly likely to be repeated.”

There are some clear power imbalances that happen in life that are worth mentioning here

Being physically stronger and thus able to hurt the other person
Having more money than the other person
Having a higher social status or a stronger social network, and having the ability to turn others against the other person and to create their own tribe
Having more support from family and friends, outnumbering the other person (“they think you are to blame too”)
Having the assertiveness and confidence to initiate the behavior of making fun of the other person or engage in sophisticated, subtle forms of manipulation, simply willing to do it
Having access to embarrassing or private information

covert narcissism is not a gender issue

Whether you are dealing with a narcissist male or female, the potential for the power imbalance exists. All of these factors play into this relationship.

If you are dealing with a narcissistic parent, mom or dad, the parent/child relationship is another power imbalance that gets used against you. “I’m the mom, so you must listen to me. Clearly I know best.” Same is true of the narcissistic dad

These power imbalances come into narcissistic relationships of all sorts. Siblings, friends, coworkers, and spouses or significant others. The gender doesn’t matter! It isn’t about the gender, it is about the attitude behind their behaviors. The presumptions that they are more superior, more deserving, more special, more put-together, more confident, more worthy than you are of anything, more in control. These definitions call it a perceived power imbalance. It does NOT make it a reality. It is a perception. When you are living with a covert narcissist, it is incredibly easy to perceive that you are inferior to them. Not as smart, not as good, not as strong. They are so good at manipulating these perceptions against you.

In my eyes, narcissism is adult bullying. We have rules and laws in place against bullying, so we need rules and laws to apply to adult relationships too. This needs to be understood as bullying, with detrimental impacts on the victims, even adult victims. I am calling for courts and attorneys to hear this. It is time to stop the bullying! It is time to stop letting the bullies win!

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing!

Renee Swanson 7/6/24 Renee Swanson 7/6/24

His trauma became our trauma

Trauma causes people to make changes in the way they interact with their world. Safety is a perception. When we experience trauma, our system will work hard to re-establish a perceived sense of safety. What behaviors do we pick up then in response to this trauma?

Imagine a 7 year old child that has a Dad for a bully. He yells and rages, intimidating everyone. His demands are exceptional with no room for mistakes. When asked a question, you have to carefully choose your words. Working hard to not upset him. If you answer the “wrong” way, he blows up at you and maybe even strikes you. You are always worried about upsetting him. Talking to him is not safe.

Mom is a peacemaker, trying hard to tiptoe around dad and keep everyone happy. She runs interference as much as she can between you and your dad. Thus, Dad’s anger is often directed at her. He pushes her, hits her, and even throws her against a wall. This is not an environment that promotes a feeling of safety. Even if this only happens once in a while, that feeling of safety will not coexist with this.

Going to bed at night is not safe. Their arguments in the middle of the night shock you out of a deep sleep. You are startled by the yelling and slamming of doors. You try to hide under your covers and drown out the sound with your pillow, but this does not work. Then, in the wee hours of the morning, dad drags you out of bed and forces you to pick who is right. Forcibly standing you between himself and mom, he demands an answer from you.

“Mom said this…I think that…Who is right?” The silence is deafening! All you can hear is your heart pounding out of your chest. Your mind is spinning in a thousand directions. How many answers can you consider in a moment’s span of time? You clearly don’t feel safe and you shouldn’t. Your feelings are quite valid.

The Effects of dealing with Trauma

Let’s go back to this 7 year old child. There is not a perceived sense of safety around dad. But this is the living situation and a daily part of this child’s life. Living without a feeling of safety is horrendous. Our system will work in overdrive to re-establish a sense of safety.

So what behaviors does this 7 year old child learn?

When standing between the parents, dad demanding that you pick sides and mom in horrified tears, you learn to control and manipulate your words. You can’t choose between mom and dad. Nor should you have to, but here you are. “I need to protect mom, and I need to not upset dad.” Let the tap dancing begin. You learn to circle the conversation around to avoid taking sides. You learn to skirt the issues. You learn to appease with empty words. You learn to say what is needed to get the job done and to get yourself out of the situation.

In your daily life at home, when dad is excessively angry, demanding, and aimed at you, what does 7 year old you learn? You learn that communication is not safe. You learn that being vulnerable is dangerous, especially around people who are supposed to love you and care for you. You learn to take care of yourself and to avoid dad’s feelings. You learn to use your words in order to figure out what dad wants to hear so he will stop talking. You learn to manipulate words and to dodge any responsibility. You learn that it isn’t safe to be genuine and spontaneous. You learn that you cannot trust the words of your loved one, and that you cannot trust their intentions.

What about mom in this picture?

Mom pretends that everything is okay. She so badly wants everything to be ok that she overcompensates for dad’s behavior. She convinces herself and this 7 year old child that everything is fine. From a genuine desire to offset the damage being done, she praises this child for everything they do.

What does 7 year old you learn from mom?

How to pretend that everything is fine. How to forget about any of the problems and pretend they didn’t happen. How to just move on in life. This lays the foundation for abuse amnesia. Ever heard of that? It’s when the abusive behavior seems to just vanish. It disappears into thin air. It went to never never land. Never to be talked about again. Never to be brought up. Never to be resolved.

In never never land, we just seem to return to this weird place of okayness. Things are just okay. Everything moves forward with some sort of normalcy. You’re looking around wondering if anyone else saw that. Wondering what happened to the issue that we just survived, where did it go? Do I dare to bring it up again? NOPE. If they can pretend that it didn’t happen, then so can I. We join them on the journey to Never Never Land.

This 7 year old gets older. I would say that they grow up, or do they? If they do not have the emotional support to face this trauma, to voice it, to process it, then this trauma carries forward. It gets passed onto others.

What children of covert narcissists’ learn

Remember what this child learned

to manipulate conversations in order to keep themselves safe
to skirt the issues and say whatever is needed to get out of the situation
to dodge responsibility and accountability
to not trust
that vulnerability isn’t safe and should be avoided at all costs
to forget about the bad behavior as quickly as possible
to pretend like everything is fine
to live in Never Never Land

These learned behaviors that served the purpose of keeping them safe become a part of their everyday life. This becomes how they interact, especially with those closest to them, the ones that make them feel vulnerable. In trying to survive and avoid this trauma, they simply carry the effects of it into the lives of their own family. As an adult, they believe that it is a thing of the past and that it stayed in the past. In reality, it is very much so a thing of their present and will continue into their future. And they don’t even realize it.

Imagine a young driver has had a car accident and quickly learned to be tense as a driver. In the car, they are reactive to everyone around them. They yell at their own kids for any tiny noise or distraction in the vehicle. These kids learn that being in the car isn’t safe, so they become tense in the vehicle. As they grow up and become young drivers, the tension and reactiveness carries on with them. Their own hypervigilance creates an unsafe situation, creating the very problem the parent is trying to avoid. This parent’s trauma becomes their child’s trauma.

The covert narcissist’s wall of self-protection

Narcissistic traits are a form of self-protection from traumas that one has experienced. If these were during childhood, this is before a child is old enough to have coping skills in place to handle trauma. They rely completely on the reactive survival instincts. If this is within their own home, from their caregivers, then normalizing this behavior is also happening. They think that every home is like their home, every family is like their family. They believe that that is normal and how everyone interacts. Thus these survival skills are here to stay!

My husband’s childhood was filled with trauma. Yes, he had some good times. There were pleasant memories in his past. However, there were some extremely traumatic ones too. His father was aggressive, antagonistic, abrasive, and abusive. To both my husband and his mom. At a very young age, life became not safe for my husband. Thus he put survival tactics in place.

A defensive wall to hide behind, a facade to make him look good and hide his internal self, manipulating others to get his way, making sure that nothing was his fault, skirting responsibilities, and passing the blame. This left me and the kids feeling distant and hurt. His defensive wall left gaping holes in our relationships. No way to be close to him. No way to be vulnerable around him. No way to be spontaneous and genuine. Instead, we felt like everything was our fault, carrying all the blame. So the very thing that he was protecting himself against as a child is exactly what he created in adulthood. It is self-sabotaging, and I don’t think he had any idea.

His trauma became our trauma.

This is why it is so crucial to do some trauma healing, for yourself and then learn to help your children. I have recently become certified in trauma coaching. I do offer individual trauma-informed coaching. It’s time to help our kids while they are still young. It’s time to break these cycles. I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

Renee Swanson 6/5/24 Renee Swanson 6/5/24

7 Ways that a Covert Narcissist Reacts

Have you ever called a covert narcissist out for something they have done? How did that go? One of the most frustrating things ever is to try to get a covert narcissist to take any responsibility or to even listen to you in the first place. When you try to talk with them regarding how you feel about something they did, you can expect a large amount of pushback. Here are 7 ways that a covert narcissist reacts.

1. covert narcissists often react with Instant frustration, anger and indignation.

While covert narcissists may be extremely patient when they are grooming you to be their target, they are not known for their patience once you have been hooked and moved past their love bombing phase. At this point, your feelings become a huge inconvenience to them. So when you are trying to express your own feelings over something they did or didn’t do, they can instantly become frustrated, defensive and indignant.

You have had repeated conversations asking them to be responsible for the kitchen trash. When the can is full, please take care of it. They may even agree to do it, but it gets repeatedly overlooked. Or they just continue to push it down, knowing you can squeeze in just a little bit more. You finally give in and have been doing it yourself multiple times along with all the other housework you are doing.

You say - “Hey, would you just take the trash out when the can is full, like you said you would?”

They fire back - “I told you I would! I’ll take care of it! You don’t have to be so demanding!”

With little to no consideration of your feelings, they rear up at the supposed unfair treatment they are receiving. Lacking the ability to see anything from your perspective, you are met with extreme resistance. They do not realize that they are not seeing things from your perspective. In fact, they often will tell you that they are. However, their approach to it is not to see how you feel in your shoes, it is to know how they would feel in your shoes.

It isn’t me, with my background, my experiences, my knowledge, my fears, my desires putting myself in someone else’s shoes. It is their background, their experiences, their knowledge, their fears and their desires, seeing it from their shoes. Covert narcissists cannot do this even a little. So your feelings remain a frustrating mystery to them.

2. Covert Narcissists Use Gaslighting

Pretend that whatever you're accusing them of never happened, you're just being dramatic or you heard it wrong or you're just plain old crazy. This is their list of excuses. “I never said that I would take out the trash.” Causes you to start defending yourself, your memory and your perception. In essence, your reality.

They trivialize what they said or did or didn’t do, making you feel like you are making a big deal out of nothing. “You’re upset about that? Come on, really? You know, Joe never does that for his wife. Or you know, my dad was way worse than this.”

This gaslighting causes you to defend yourself, fighting to validate that you have a right to be upset, that what they did hurt you and you are allowed to express that.

Another form of gaslighting is to change the subject. “How about you cleaning up the living room? You know, I go to work all day long and just want to relax at night. Do you know I had 4 meetings today? You wouldn’t believe how hard I worked.” Now, you are in a conversation about work and the trash disappears from sight. Forcing you to be the bad guy if you want to hold them accountable. Causes you to defend your right to be heard, your right for your feelings to matter.

The passive aggressive ways of a covert narcissist manipulate others without them knowing it. We become defensive and don’t even notice the switch. Then we are frustrated with ourselves for being defensive. We might even spend a period of time believing that our own defensiveness is the problem.

3. Covert Narcissists Flip the Script.

Covert narcissists are experts at turning the conversation around to how the way you feel is how they feel and that you're not listening to their feelings. They turn themselves into a victim of YOU because you're so mean.

You say, “I feel like I do all the work around the house, and I really don’t want to have to remind you about the trash.” Not being able to relate to your feelings at all or validate them in any way, they now focus entirely on their own feelings. “I don’t know why you have to remind me all the time. You know I will take care of it. I sure wish you would just trust me more. You know it really hurts my feelings that you don’t trust me. It feels so mean, and I’m so sensitive to that. I think I need to lie down.”

Saying that you have caused them harm and showing that they are hurt implies that you now need to fix the problem. You need to put in the effort. This is on you.

4. Covert Narcissists use Self-Deprecation.

They start saying things like "I'm sorry I'm such a loser and nothing I ever do is good enough for you". “I guess I can’t do anything right.” “Why did you ever marry someone as bad as me?” “I don’t deserve you.” “You should leave me. I should be alone forever.”

Triggers your compassionate side, and you start telling them how they are wrong in these statements. Your empathic nature causes you to see how your words may have hurt them and triggered such deep feelings of worthlessness. You clearly don’t want that, and now you feel bad about it. So you work overtime to fix this.

5.Covert Narcissists Us Rage Tactics.

Covert narcissists will pitcha little tantrum maybe by throwing something or slamming a door, maybe stomping their feet. This is attention seeking behavior.

Maybe they take out the trash, but they aggressively move the can around, slamming the lid, hitting the wall with it, slamming the door on the way out. They might stomp around in the kitchen or isolate in a room and slam the door. They are mad at you for not giving them the respect they believe they deserve, for not valuing them more, for suggesting they are less than perfect. How dare you tell me to take the trash out! How dare you remind me as though I’m not capable of doing it myself! Even though they have forgotten for the last month. They feel rejected. They feel called out or put on display.

6. Covert Narcissists Sulk and Pout

Covert narcissists will sulk around the house. They are clearly so wounded by your unreasonable demands and expectations. They will come get in the middle of whatever you are doing and pout. Might as well put that lower lip out. Shoulders droop, big sighs

Narcissistic collapse occurs when a narcissistic person can no longer maintain their superior image, when they cannot maintain their confidence in who they believe they are. The threat coming from the inside of them as they lose their own grip of their image is too much, and they experience an extreme emotional response. This can happen when they feel that the world no longer sees them as the person they want to be seen as. If they believe that the world sees them as strong, confident, even caring and something threatens this, they will fight that. They will go through these various stages to some extent. If they reach a point that they can no longer hold onto that image, a narcissistic collapse is a real possibility.

Signs of a narcissistic collapse

Addictive behaviors - drinking, gambling, sex

Self-harming behaviors - reckless driving, overeating, cutting,

Increased irritability, sensitivity, angry outbursts, anxiety

7. Covert Narcissist use the silent treatment.

Covert narcissists often go silent for days on end, avoiding you, and ignoring you. Some withdraw hard, while others stay in your space and make a show of not talking to you

Another form of silent treatment is to never talk about this problem again. In fact, they can wake up the next morning as though nothing ever happened and move right on with life. This is what some call abuse amnesia. this is when they act like everything is fine, ignore the problem, no accountability and no reconciliation. So while they may be talking to you, they certainly are not talking about the problem, the way they have treated you.

People with narcissistic personality disorder do not recognize their role in the situation. They do not self-reflect and thus do not realize or acknowledge in any way how they have hurt you. They just don’t see it. They very well may not realize that they are acting the way that they are. But they also do not have it within themselves to listen to you when you are trying to explain it to you. They don’t hear it from your perspective or with any attempt to give you your own perspective. They hear you only from their own perspective.

This is a perspective full of competitiveness, jealousy, manipulativeness, guard up, self-preservation. They only see from this perspective. As an empathic person, I can see how that perspective would cause me to treat people with contempt, distrust, and sharpness. I can see that, and I think it is horrible. I certainly cannot relate to continuously living life that way. Nor do I ever want to. I choose openness, trust, kindness and gentleness.

Don’t ever confuse kindness for weakness. In fact, it takes great strength and courage to remain kind in this world.

Renee Swanson 6/5/24 Renee Swanson 6/5/24

The Emotional Dysregulation of a Covert Narcissist

I’m mad! So I yell at you, punch the wall, storm off, stomp my feet, shove the chair, and slam the bedroom door! I don’t care that you don’t like it! I don’t care that you now feel bad. In fact, I’m going to wait in my room until you come and apologize to me! Who am I?

I'm a 2 year old toddler throwing a fit, or a teenager dealing with hormones, social anxiety, and overwhelming schoolwork, or a full-grown adult covert narcissist.

How do you handle the situation?

For the 2 year old, you parent them. You take away their favorite toy, have them take a time out, and let them know that this behavior is not okay. You talk with them about emotions. Help them to learn how to handle being angry, and tell them that you love them.

For the teenager, you probably ground them. Take away their phone and the car, can’t spend time with their friends. Cancel their fun events. And encourage them to make amends. You talk with them about how their behaviors affect those around them, trying to help them to see outside of themselves. And you try to connect with them and you tell them that you love them.

For the adult covert narcissist, you tiptoe around them. Figure out what set them off and add that to your checklist of things to make sure never happen again. After countless attempts of trying to connect with them, resulting only in circular conversations, you instead wait for this behavior to disappear, for the abuse amnesia to set in, and you both pretend that it never happened.

The problem is this behavior is the same from a 2 year old, to a teenager, to a full-grown adult. As such, it is understandable from a toddler, expected from a teenager, and shocking from an adult.

What is Emotional Regulation?

When asked what is emotional regulation and how do you teach it to your children, let’s start by identifying what it is not.

It is not spilling your emotions all over the other person
It is not when someone is experiencing negative emotions and thus treats the people around them with sharpness, blame, rage, entitled anger, yelling, slamming doors, and breaking things. This is like kicking the dog because you are mad.
It’s not, “I’m mad, so I can do whatever I want. You better get out of my way.”

This is entitlement. While everyone does have a right to get angry at times, this does not give you the right to stomp all over everyone else’s feelings, to behave like a 2 year old or a hormonal teenager.

Emotional regulation also is not the sulking victim mode. Being cold and distant, using the silent treatment. Sulking around, dropping self-care, disassociating, addictions. Being defensive and hypersensitive. This also leads to the people around you walking on eggshells to keep you happy. Going out of their way to meet your needs and expectations to avoid the painfulness of your cold and harsh attitude.

So what does healthy emotional regulation actually look like?

Let’s look at it first in you and then you can work on teaching this to your children. You cannot teach this to your children if you don’t know how to do it yourself. You have to put your own oxygen mask on first and then help you child.

You may have heard of the saying “Do as I say, not as I do.” That really doesn’t work in parenting. You can’t tell them to spend less time on electronics, while your nose is in your phone all the time. They will do as you do, not as you say. You can’t tell them to treat others with respect while you walk all over people and treat them with disdain. This won’t help your kids to learn courtesy and respect.

You can say whatever you want. Your words mean nothing if you aren’t listening to them yourself. Don’t try to teach emotional regulation to your kids while you are emotionally dysregulated. So let’s start with you!

Identify your emotions

It starts with learning to identify your own emotions and admit them to yourself. Give yourself the permission to be human! Use the emotions wheel. Work on understanding how you are feeling. Don’t just ignore the chemistry that is going on inside of you. Instead, work with it and make peace with it.

Say things like, “I am overwhelmed today. Life feels heavy, scary, uncertain. This feels horrible to me. I really just want to take a break from the weight of it.”

Or “I feel really optimistic today. I am hopeful for what is coming, eager and motivated to move forward. This feels good to me.”

Everyday or most days write down how you are feeling in 2-3 sentences. Get used to acknowledging your feelings. Start verbalizing them. Tell them to a few trusted friends or family members.

Now, Help Your children

Help them to do these same things, especially after you have a little practice at it. Encourage them to write them down in a couple of sentences of their own. Give your kids an emotions pillow, keychain, or poster. Talk through all the different emotions on it. Get them a journal to use. Encourage them to write about their own feelings too. Identifying the emotions and learning to read them is a starting point. Now what do we do with them?

Express your Emotions

Learning to express your emotions in a healthy way is extremely important, both for you and those around you. What does it mean to express your emotions? Let’s begin again by looking at what it is not.

Not expressing your emotions is not emotional regulation. There is a misconception here and I want to address it here. Emotional regulation doesn’t mean don’t ever be emotional. We seem to put this expectation on ourselves. We over-regulate, putting a huge cap on our own emotions, shoving everything inside and bottling it all up.

In fact, we often praise people for being able to stay silent and controlled, swallowing their feelings, remaining stoic. They are so mature and capable. It’s like their feelings don’t exist.

This isn’t healthy and it isn’t sustainable. You become like a psychological grenade, just waiting to explode or implode. This can manifest as either or both physical issues and mental struggles.

Many victims of covert narcissistic abuse think that they are managing the situation really well by keeping their thoughts and feelings to themselves. Swallowing their own feelings, they stay silent. Anything else is too risky. Yes, this is a timebomb waiting to go off. And it doesn’t do our kids any favors.

Exercise for Emotional Expression

So how do we express our emotions in healthy ways? Write down each of the main emotions, happy, sad, angry, fearful. Under each one, write a few ways to express that emotion.

Happy

Sing and dance
Go for a walk
Call a friend

Sad

Curl up in bed with a stuffed animal
Hold you dog or cat
Have a good cry

Angry

Go outside and let out a scream
Hit your pillow or a workout bag
Go for a run
Spend time alone

Fearful

Call a friend and tell them about your fear
Listen to comforting music
Pray or meditate

As you get better at this, start including the more refined emotions, such as anxious, busy, vulnerable, or distant. Do this same activity with your kid. Help them make their own list. It can and should be different from yours. There are no right or wrong answers here. Learning to express your own emotions is an individual journey. Even for our young ones. Encourage them to be creative.

Healthy Expression of your emotions

Healthy expression of your emotions does not always come out calm and peaceful. It isn’t always controlled and mature. Sometimes it needs to be explosive and seemingly out of control. This is healthy, but must be done in a way that doesn’t stomp all over those around us. For example, you may have a strong emotional reaction to your child not being ready to walk out the door on time. You are so frustrated with this repeated offense, and you just want to get moving. You don’t start screaming at them, threatening them, grabbing them. You might tell them to meet you in the car, walk out ahead of them, get in the car, and let out a frustrated scream alone. You aren’t losing your mind. You aren’t going crazy. It is okay for you to have an emotional response to the situation. You don’t have to be stoic and unreactive, showing extreme patience, chasing away your own feelings. Instead, acknowledge how you feel, name it, express it, feel it and process it.

There is nothing easy about this walk, especially when you are in a narcissistic relationship. But you can do this! It gets easier too, the more you do it. Especially when you begin to see and feel the benefits. Reconnecting your head and heart back together is a significant part of the recovery from cognitive dissonance. Your heart already has its feelings. Help your mind to get on board with it. I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

Renee Swanson 5/27/24 Renee Swanson 5/27/24

Emotional Childishness and Covert Narcissism

Professionally Reviewed by Psychotherapist Ross Rosenberg, M. Ed., LCPC, CADC

Will they ever grow up?? Am I dealing with a child or an adult? Sometimes I really am not sure. I feel like I have three children, my two by birth and my spouse! Covert narcissists grow physically, mentally, and even socially, but not emotionally.

Professionally reviewed by psychotherapist Ross Rosenberg, M. Ed., LCPC, CADC

Will they ever grow up?? Am I dealing with a child or an adult? Sometimes I really am not sure. I feel like I have three children, my two by birth and my spouse!

Covert narcissists grow physically, mentally, and even socially. They look like an adult. They have adult responsibilities. They have a job. They have kids. They function socially as an adult. But emotionally they are NOT an adult. Their emotional growth seems to never have made it out of childhood. They are an emotional child trapped in an adult’s body and trying to function in an adult’s world. Let’s look at some of the signs of emotional childishness that is portrayed with covert narcissism.

Defensiveness

Narcissistic behaviors are quite self-protective and defensive. The patterns of behavior are formed to ward off feelings of being unloved and feelings of shame. Their own experiences in childhood of emotional abuse or emotional neglect in some way caused these patterns to develop. These behaviors are detrimental not only to those around them, but to themselves as well. It is these very patterns that get in their way when it comes to personal growth.

These defensive behaviors are adopted to protect themselves from negative feedback from others. But not just from others. It also protects themselves from their own internal dialogue, their own thoughts and feelings.

Blaming

Young children will often look to blame someone else. When they have been caught doing something they shouldn’t, they are quick to say, “But she did it first,” pointing at their friend, sibling, or classmate. Or you might be correcting one child for hitting the other with a pencil. The one you are correcting aggressively states, “But he looked at me mean.” Children learn at a very young age that it feels better to have someone else to put the blame on. Someone else to carry the burden with them or for them.

As children grow emotionally and become healthy adults, they learn that it is okay to not be perfect. It is okay to make mistakes and thus to be corrected. They no longer need someone or something to pass all the blame onto. Instead of blaming, they look to fix the problem. They don’t need a scapegoat anymore. But covert narcissists do. They still need somewhere for that blame to go in order to take the pressure off of themselves. This is a carry over from childhood.

One evening, my husband spilled some water from his cup on the kitchen floor. It was no big deal, and I was in the process of wiping it up. I said, “You spilled some water on the floor.” He sharply responded, “I don’t do that! It must have been the dogs.”

What?? The dogs? Really? And exactly how did they put all this water on the floor?

He had simply spilt some water. This was no big deal. Why could he not just admit that? No one was mad or upset about it. But he had to have someone to blame.

A non-defensive adult would say something like, “Oh? I didn’t notice that I did, but maybe. Sorry about that.” They don’t look for something to blame, but rather they work to fix the problem. They realize that they have nothing to defend. Thus there is no reason to blame.

Lying

Young children often lie to get out of or stay out of trouble.

“I didn’t do it.” “It wasn’t me.”

“He started it.” Which works both as blaming and lying whenever it isn’t true

“They said I could.” When they get caught doing something they shouldn’t be doing.

Grownups should NOT be using this childish tactic to get out of trouble.

You make plans for them to pick the kids up because you have a meeting and they don’t show up. You call to find out where they are, and they immediately say, “I didn’t know you had a meeting today.” Yet you know full well that they did.

You are frustrated that they are laying in bed playing games on their phone for over an hour instead of helping around the house. But when you speak up about it, they immediately respond, “I fell asleep.” But you know they did not.

It is fairly normal behavior for kids to try to lie their way out of something, but not a full grown adult. Grown ups deal with reality, facing the truth rather than lying their way out of it.

Name Calling

Ever heard kids yell names at each other?

“You're mean.”

“Well, you're ugly.”

“Well, you’re stupid.”

“Well, you’re fat.”

Every adult around knows that this isn’t going to go anywhere, at least not anywhere good.

Non-antagonistic adults do not resort to name-calling, but covert narcissists certainly do.

When you are trying to have an adult conversation with them, trying to explain your feelings, and maybe even trying to explain to them how they hurt you so you can reconcile together, yet they turn to name-calling.

“You’re lazy.”

“You’re bossy.”

“You’re a @@#$^$”

“You’re a narcissist!”

The victims of covert narcissism are often the ones tap dancing around their partner’s feelings. They are trying to explain how the partner’s behavior is narcissistic without actually saying that word. They are trying to talk ever so gently, finding the right magical words that won’t be too painful, and still caring for that partner’s feelings. While in the meantime, the narcissistic partner is yelling at them, “You’re a narcissist!” The one calling names is often the one who is not self-reflecting and not being cooperative. Mature adults do not make these attacks on people’s personal traits. They do not disrespect others in this way.

Impulsivity

Children lash out impulsively when they are hurt or mad. When someone accidentally bumps into them, they are quick to push and shove back. They speak and act recklessly, without a pause button that allows them to think through the situation and the potential consequences of their actions or words. Mature adults however have this pause button. They can calm themselves, regulate their emotions, and make non-impulsive decisions.

Covert narcissists lash out impulsively. If they perceive that you have hurt them or slighted them in any way, they believe that they are immediately justified to act out in any way they choose. They truly enjoy “teaching you a lesson.” If you borrow their pen without asking, they are now going through the entire house collecting all the pens and putting them on their desk. If you forget to turn the light off, they are now turning all the lights in the house on to “make a point.”

Need to be the center of attention

Have you ever tried to have dinner with adults and have adult conversation with a two year old at the table? How did it go? How was the discussion? Were you able to maintain the adult conversations? Probably not. This young child needs to be the center of attention. Everyone is responding to them. Everyone is focused on them. When you aren’t, the 2-year old will demand to be the center of your attention. “Hey, look at this. Watch what I can do.” This is very normal behavior for a two year old.

But what about your covert narcissistic partner? Ever try to have an adult conversation with someone else while your partner is there? How did that go? If the conversation has nothing to do with them, they will make sure that they are sabotaging your conversation. They will put themselves right into the middle of it all the time. While you are talking with your friend, they will interject themselves. You might be talking about something that the covert narcissist knows nothing about, but that doesn’t matter. “Oh! I know what you mean,” they state. “I had that happen the other day…” And off they go, all about some piece of their life that may or may not have anything to do with your actual conversation.

Inability to self-reflect

Covert narcissistic people cannot honestly and consistently self-reflect. They cannot put their defenses down long enough to do so. Self-reflection is checking in with yourself about how you are feeling. Asking yourself how others are responding to you. Taking a look at whether what you are doing is successful or not. This takes work, effort, and the ability to be vulnerable.

The insecurities within a covert narcissistic person causes their defenses to be incredibly strong. Putting these defenses down would bring a vulnerability that they simply cannot handle. Without the ability to be vulnerable, one cannot be open and honest with themselves. Thus they cannot self-reflect.

Children lack the ability to self-reflect because of their age and lack of life experiences. They do not yet have the time put in on life that will help them to develop emotional maturity. That is not their fault. They need time, experience and consistent love and support. When a full-grown adult lacks the ability to self-reflect, this is a totally different scenario. This lack of self-reflection will greatly hinder their ability to grow and mature.

So when you feel like you are dealing with a child, in some ways, you are. It is not your job to teach a full-grown adult how to play nicely with others. Not only is it not your job, it also isn’t possible. I mean think about it, your partner is an adult. Do you suppose by now in their life, there have been others who have tried to teach them to grow up? How many people do you suppose have tried to help them or express how their actions and words hurt? By the time they are an adult and even a parent of kids themselves, it is very clear that they don’t want to change. Why would they? Growing up is tough. Look at all the work and effort it is taking on your part. But it is SO worth it! You are stronger than you know and have so many wonderful days ahead of you! I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

REVIEW: “EMOTIONAL CHILDISHNESS AND COVERT NARCISSISM” BY RENEE SWANSON

Renee Swanson’s article, titled “Emotional Childishness and Covert Narcissism,” offers a clear and powerful example of how a child’s attachment experience influences their adult personality development.

Ms. Swanson illustrates how the behavior of adults diagnosed with covert narcissism, a subtype of narcissistic personality disorder, clearly show how their problematic and harmful tendencies in relationships can be directly linked to their childhood upbringing.

Typical behind-the-scenes symptoms of covert narcissism, such as impulsivity, attention-mongering, blaming, dishonesty, and others, can accurately be traced backward to coping strategies and defense mechanisms forged in a crucible of profound abuse, neglect, deprivation, and/or abandonment.

Thus, as highlighted by Ms. Swanson, in order to grasp the nature of a covert narcissist, it is helpful to conceptualize it as an interaction with a troubled child.

By gaining a deeper understanding of individuals like this, one can develop realistic expectations regarding the covert narcissist’s harmful behavior without inadvertently encouraging them to persist or intensify their mistreatment. A person intending to survive and escape the relationship forged with a covert narcissist will appreciate Ms. Swanson’s keen insights.

Ross Rosenberg, M. Ed., LCPC, CADC

Psychotherapist

Renee Swanson 5/19/24 Renee Swanson 5/19/24

The Emotional Dysregulation of a Covert Narcissist

When asked what is emotional regulation and how do you teach it to your children, let’s start by identifying what it is not. It is not spilling your emotions all over the other person. It is not when someone is experiencing negative emotions and thus treats the people around them with sharpness, blame, rage, entitled anger, yelling, slamming doors, and breaking things. This is like kicking the dog because you are mad. It’s not, “I’m mad, so I can do whatever I want. You better get out of my way.”

I'm a 2 year old toddler throwing a fit, or a teenager dealing with hormones, social anxiety, and overwhelming schoolwork, or a full-grown adult covert narcissist.

How do you handle the situation?

The problem is this behavior is the same from a 2 year old, to a teenager, to a full-grown adult. As such, it is understandable from a toddler, expected from a teenager, and shocking from an adult.

What is Emotional Regulation?

When asked what is emotional regulation and how do you teach it to your children, let’s start by identifying what it is not.

It is not spilling your emotions all over the other person
It is not when someone is experiencing negative emotions and thus treats the people around them with sharpness, blame, rage, entitled anger, yelling, slamming doors, and breaking things. This is like kicking the dog because you are mad.
It’s not, “I’m mad, so I can do whatever I want. You better get out of my way.”

So what does healthy emotional regulation actually look like?

Identify your emotions

Say things like, “I am overwhelmed today. Life feels heavy, scary, uncertain. This feels horrible to me. I really just want to take a break from the weight of it.”

Or “I feel really optimistic today. I am hopeful for what is coming, eager and motivated to move forward. This feels good to me.”

Everyday or most days write down how you are feeling in 2-3 sentences. Get used to acknowledging your feelings. Start verbalizing them. Tell them to a few trusted friends or family members.

Now, Help Your children

Express your Emotions

In fact, we often praise people for being able to stay silent and controlled, swallowing their feelings, remaining stoic. They are so mature and capable. It’s like their feelings don’t exist.

This isn’t healthy and it isn’t sustainable. You become like a psychological grenade, just waiting to explode or implode. This can manifest as either or both physical issues and mental struggles.

Exercise for Emotional Expression

So how do we express our emotions in healthy ways? Write down each of the main emotions, happy, sad, angry, fearful. Under each one, write a few ways to express that emotion.

Happy

Sing and dance
Go for a walk
Call a friend

Sad

Curl up in bed with a stuffed animal
Hold you dog or cat
Have a good cry

Angry

Go outside and let out a scream
Hit your pillow or a workout bag
Go for a run
Spend time alone

Fearful

Call a friend and tell them about your fear
Listen to comforting music
Pray or meditate

Healthy Expression of your emotions

Renee Swanson 5/10/24 Renee Swanson 5/10/24

Apology Dodging of a Covert Narcissist

I have never met anyone better at dodging apologizing than a narcissist. They are experts at it. Their sense of superiority causes them to never feel that they are in the wrong. Other “inferior” individuals are always to blame. So for them to apologize requires that they lower themselves to an equal or lesser plane than others. This is something that they simply cannot do! They will tap dance, side step, spin in a circle, and stand on their heads. But they will NOT apologize, at least not in any real and genuine way.

Apology Dodging - “Here we go again!”

Never getting a genuine apology in an intimate relationship is painful and debilitating.

If you are dealing with a covert narcissist, you will never feel like they actually care about how they make you feel. They never seem to notice or acknowledge how they hurt you. They don’t care when you try to tell them. You will never receive a genuine and sincere apology from them. Instead, they will use all sorts of manipulative tactics to distract you and confuse you. Here are some examples:

THE CIRCLE APOLOGY

With a circle apology, a covert narcissist starts by actually apologizing. The words, “I’m sorry” come out of their mouth. However, they don’t stop there. By the time they are done talking, you are far from that apology. The circular conversation you are now in circles endlessly and you find that you are the one on the defense. You are under attack and feel like everything was and is your fault. The next thing you know you are apologizing to them. You don’t even know how you got here or what you are really apologizing for.

The initial apology may seem extremely genuine. You feel relieved that they see their wrongdoing and are taking responsibility for it. So you relax. Then bam! They flip the entire thing around. You are now defended every thought you have ever had, every word you ever uttered, everything you have ever done, and so on. Somehow this misunderstanding, all misunderstandings, are always your fault. Not just partially your fault, but completely your fault.

How in the world did we get here? You may even find yourself apologizing to them for something that they did.

THE VICTIM APOLOGY

A covert narcissist will apologize if they feel they can gain some leverage from it. As I have already said, the words “I’m sorry” can be very effective at bringing your guard down. Once said, now the covert narcissist can proclaim, “I said I was sorry. I’m such a horrible person!” and follow this with the victim role.

When the abusive and manipulative behaviors continue over and over again for years, the apologies are meaningless. Yet the covert narcissist will wear them like a badge of honor. They might say something like, “I said I was sorry. It isn’t my fault that you won’t forgive me.” Or “Everyone makes mistakes. Am I not allowed to?” The lack of remorse and lack of genuine apology leave you never feeling cared for or heard. Their fake “I’m sorry” is their Get Out of Jail Free card.

THE PARTIAL APOLOGY

The covert narcissist may apologize for one piece of what happened but not another, maybe more significant part. “I will take credit for saying this. I’m sorry for that. But not this other. I didn’t do that.” Giving an apology for one piece makes them seem more credible. Why would I apologize for this and yet lie about that? It allows them to dodge the other piece.

“I said I was sorry for the things I did. But I didn’t do this other part. If I’m willing to apologize for these other things, then why would I refuse to apologize for this one? It has to show that I didn’t do that one.” Keeping something back keeps them in charge and feeling superior.

THE ABUSIVE APOLOGY

“I’m sorry, but…” They need to tell you more of the situation. Covert narcissists often need to help you to better understand. If they are not yet feeling in control of the situation, then clearly you don’t understand the whole scenario yet. If you are not yet apologizing to them, putting them on a more superior plane than you, then they cannot let it go. This can go on for hours at a time or even for days.

They will continue to add more fuel to the fire. Moving past it and moving on with your life is impossible. If they do not feel satisfied with how the current conversation went, I assure you that they will be back. Be ready for rounds 2, 3, and 4. More realistically be ready for rounds 18, 19, and 20!

Similar to the circle apology, these abusive apologies put things back on you. Unlike the more subtle circle apology, these are a direct attack and immediately put you on the defense. There is nothing subtle about them.

I’m sorry, but you overreact to everything anyway.
I’m sorry that you think I said that. You can’t remember anything right.
I’m sorry that you heard me wrong. Can’t you ever listen?
I’m sorry, but everyone else thinks it was funny. You just have no sense of humor.
I’m sorry! Are you happy now?
I’m sorry, but you started it.
Alright FINE, I’m SORRY.
I already apologized. What more do you want? (Often after they never apologized in the first place)
I’m sorry that you don’t think what I do is good enough for you.
I’m sorry, but I was just trying to help. Excuse me for trying!

THE ABSOLUTE REFUSAL TO APOLOGIZE

All of these types of apologies are in reality a refusal to sincerely apologize. The absolute refusal to take any responsibility for their behavior is incredibly infuriating. Being compassionate and genuinely wanting things to resolve, you come to your partner and apologize for your side of the problem. In a healthy relationship, apologies go both ways. Both sides are involved and both should take some of the blame. However, the covert narcissist is just not willing to own any piece of the problem. They are happy to accept your admission, yet refuse to take any responsibility for their own behavior.

You can apologize for getting angry about the way they talked to you. In return, you get an attitude of “you should be.” They will even add more reasons to your apology of why you should feel sorry. Yet they will not take ANY blame for their part in the problem. They have absolutely NO recognition of how their own behavior triggered all of this in the first place.

“You were angry first.”

“I didn’t get upset until after you did.”

“It’s not my fault you behaved that way.”

“I don’t know what I could have done differently.”

Fake apologies leave you feeling empty and not valued. Covert narcissists are experts at it. The confusion they leave in your mind makes you feel crazy. You find yourself wondering, “They did apologize, so why do I still feel this way?” You question your own intentions and sanity. These people are smooth! They are believable and convincing to everyone. They are dangerous.

Never getting a genuine apology in an intimate relationship is painful and debilitating! It makes genuine connection impossible!

Renee Swanson 5/4/24 Renee Swanson 5/4/24

Circular Conversations with a Covert Narcissist

Let me start by saying these aren't conversations. They are verbal competitions and even warfare. Narcissists don't use conversations to find understanding and compromise. They use them to win. These conversations are extremely planned and manipulated. There is absolutely no such thing as spontaneity. There is no place for this to be relaxed and natural chatting. No, it is war!

WHAT IS A CIRCULAR CONVERSATION?

I know in our household, in order for my husband to actually have a conversation with someone, it was like we had to go through some big ordeal. It was as though he was announcing to the world, in a very robot-like way, "We are now having a conversation." Everything else had to stop. Everything had to be put down. Life ceased to exist....because NOW WE ARE HAVING A CONVERSATION. After making such an announcement, he would then sit quietly with his eyes closed for a couple of minutes, making everyone wait to hear his "great" words. It was almost like a ritual. I felt like the trumpets were going to come out of the sky, play a fanfare, and announce that the KING was about to speak. It was ridiculous and left everyone on edge. No one felt safe before a word was even uttered.

Then you never knew what the actual topic was going to be. It could be absolutely anything, from teeny tiny small to gigantically huge. One thing was always for certain though, he had been offended, and we were going to hear about it. These "conversations" feel more like monologues from a dictator, and they last just as long. Everyone else usually kept their mouths shut. Why? Because over time we had all learned one of our rights: "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you."

I have heard these circular conversations referred to as gaslighting, word salad, and verbal vomit. I prefer to call them conversations from hell. It is the most painful place I have ever experienced. I have never felt so alone and destitute as I have when trapped in one of these. And I do mean trapped. There seems to be no way out. Nothing you say will change the course. Nothing you say will turn it in a positive direction. The narcissist will unceasingly turn everything around and around, spinning forever in a bottomless pit of negativity.

You find yourself defending everything you have ever done, said, or even thought. You are defending a look you had or the way you breathed. Guards are up and active. Spontaneity does not exist. Reciprocity does not exist. There is no natural give and take because with a narcissist there is no give. Staying relaxed is nearly impossible. In the conversation, you feel like you just can't seem to keep with the topic at hand because it changes so fast. One minute you are talking about your frustration that he isn't helping with the yard work and the next thing you know you are defending why you didn't cook dinner last night. It doesn't matter that he said he wasn't hungry. It is simply ammunition against you.

8 SIGNS OF A CIRCULAR CONVERSATION

1. You find yourself teaching an adult about basic communication skills and basic human emotions.

You are actually trying to teach them how to talk nicely to people, something we all learned in kindergarten. “Now Johnny, we mustn’t talk that way to others.” Healthy adults just do not need to be taught the golden rule. But narcissistic people seem to have missed those lessons. When I found myself explaining to my husband, a full grown man and father of two boys, how his tone of voice influences people’s feelings, I realized we had a real problem. The fact of the matter is that any full-grown adult knows how to treat other people. They know how to be kind and good, but simply choose not to.

2. You find yourself thinking, “If I could just find the right words, then he would stop treating me this way.”

Or, “The right words will help him to understand why what he is doing is hurting me, and he will stop.” I absolutely wore my brain out with this one! There simply is not an angle left that I didn’t try. “Maybe these words, this approach, this tone of voice, this perspective, etc.” It was endless effort and extremely taxing on both my head and my heart. To top it all off, it never did any good! All it did was keep all the responsibility on my own shoulders. I used to think, “If I am not able to find the right words, then I cannot be mad at him for not getting it.” What!! Since when did I become the counselor? I am telling you now that it is NOT your job to help them understand. I am not saying don’t make any effort when someone has hurt your feelings. But I am saying there is a point where it no longer becomes your responsibility to keep explaining it to someone who doesn’t get it and clearly doesn’t want to.

3. These conversations are antagonistic and combative.

I reached a point where I would say to my friend, “I don’t even know how to have a normal conversation with my husband.” You see, narcissistic people don’t see conversations as a time of connection and reciprocity. Actually, in their eyes, there is no such thing as conversation. It is verbal competition instead. Most of the time, they seem to want communication to be difficult and a problem. They don’t want to understand. They want only to maintain their position of superiority. In order to truly understand and sympathize with someone, you must allow a moment or two to be about the other person. Narcissistic people absolutely cannot do this. Not even for a tiny moment can life be about someone else. When they can keep the conversation confusing and difficult, it can stay centered around them. Then they have a “duty” to explain and educate the other person, which maintains their superiority and arrogance.

4. There is no resolution in these conversations.

You know that place, when you have been in a heated discussion with a loved one, where you feel reconciliation? This is a moment where both parties feel sorry for the pain they have caused. Both feel humbleness, honesty, and compassion. In this moment, you feel very open and connected with each other. Well, this place does NOT exist with a narcissistic person! You will NEVER get there!! It does not matter whether you are in the original heated discussion or in the 100th discussion after it trying to get resolution. These discussions can last 5 minutes or 5 hours. It simply does not matter. You will not be able to find a peaceful and compassionate ending. For more detail on the lack of reconciliation, read my article No Reconciliation Ever.

5. They use the topic switcheroo.

If a narcissistic person does not like the direction of the current discussion, I guarantee you they will switch it around. Here’s an example: We were at the counselor together trying to find some middle ground in order to save our marriage. Here is how the discussion went:

Him: I have asked you to tell me what I am doing wrong in our marriage, and you won’t tell me.

Me: I have told you many times why I am frustrated. I am done telling you.

Him: I have asked you to tell me right when it is happening. I think the problem really is that you say, “Yes,” and yet you DO no.

Me: What does that mean?

Him: You told me that you will point things out as they happen and yet you don’t do that.

Me: I have pointed them out at the time, and that didn’t work. So I tried an hour later, that didn’t work, I tried the next day, that didn’t work. I have tried everything I know to try, so now I am done trying.

Him (arrogantly): So you said yes and you are doing no. You do that with lots of things.

Me: Now what are you talking about?

Him: I’m talking about the windows in the house. You still haven’t gotten those done, but you said you would.

What! You've got to be kidding me! Two years earlier, we had talked about replacing the windows in the house. I had gotten some estimates, but it went no further than that. For two years, nothing else had been said about it by either one of us until that day at the counselor. Now all of a sudden it is all my fault?

6. They play the eternal victim.

This victim role is perpetual and ever-lasting. Some of their favorite phrases are:

I had a tough childhood.

My dad/mom treated me badly.

I have a low self-esteem because of my childhood.

Nobody likes me. Everybody is against me. “Poor me” is the attitude.

These become excuses and crutches. They play the victim card so everyone will feel badly for them and let them off the hook. Then they don’t have to “fix” anything and can go merrily on their way treating people however they choose. This victim roles prevents them from ever having to be accountable for themselves.

One time, I was trying to explain to my husband how his quickness to be offended hurt those around him. I told him that he gets so quickly offended over things that shouldn’t even be offensive in the first place. He asked for an example. So I reminded him about a time when I had asked our son to help him empty the dishwasher. This offended him so badly that he stormed out of the room and closed himself in the guest bedroom for 45 minutes. When I finally went up to talk to him, he told me that the incident had communicated to him that I thought he was an idiot, incapable of emptying the dishwasher by himself. I asked him why that thought would even cross his mind. He did not remember this incident but explained how he could see himself reacting that way. He added, “You know how much I struggle with feeling worthless. I was treated very poorly by my dad, you know.” This repeatedly becomes an excuse, a justification, and a hindrance all at once. The attitude is, you have to get off my back because I struggle with self-esteem and your words are damaging me more. You need to feel sorry for me because I was treated so badly as a child. I don’t have to fix this or get any better because it really isn’t my fault.

7. You walk away thinking, “What in the world just happened?”

These conversations are like no other. Your head is left spinning. You will feel as though you have used every ounce of energy you have and yet accomplished absolutely nothing. You replay this conversation over and over for hours or even days, obsessing over things you should have said or could have said better. You now have a million arguments laid out in your head, left unaddressed in the actual conversation because it was spinning too fast.

8. They give you the silent treatment.

I am not referring to the silent treatment that might last for days on end. I am not talking about casually ignoring someone. This silent treatment is extremely direct and purposeful. It is a little hard to describe, so bear with me. When he has become offended by something I have said, done, not said, or not done, it is immediately crystal clear. Not because of what he says, but because of his body language and lack of words. He has this way of existing in space that communicates complete disdain for the other person. He stares at absolutely nothing, in a very contemplative manner. This silence can last for a few minutes or for quite a while. It creates a tension that cannot be described in words. The grip of that tension is felt mentally, emotionally, and even physically. Getting out of this entrapment proves to be incredibly difficult and staying takes an incredible toll on your body, mind, heart and soul.

If you find yourself really feeling like something is consistently wrong in conversation with a specific person, listen to your instincts. These circular conversations can take many different shapes for different people. But many of the overall characteristics are the same. One thing is always for sure, the one on the receiving end of the conversation from hell is left feeling emotionally drained and completely hopeless. Learn to cut these conversations off before they can even get started. No one should ever be forced to sit through them. You have a right to walk away!

Renee Swanson 5/1/24 Renee Swanson 5/1/24

Raising Kids with a Covert Narcissist

Let me start by saying that dealing with a covert narcissist is completely tiresome, in and of itself. I know all too well. It was over 20 years for me. But trying to co-parent with them sends you to a whole new level of exhaustion. This is counter parenting at its best. You are parenting with a bully!

Dealing with a Covert Narcissist

It is 24/7, 365 days a year. There is no such thing as a break, a vacation, a time to rest. Forget trying to protect yourself from the narcissistic blows. No, you are constantly throwing yourself in front of your own children to save them. By the time a few years have passed, you have taken so many blows that you have no idea which end is up. The number of circular conversations and the amount of gaslighting you have endured is mind-boggling. You feel like you don’t even know how to make a complete sentence anymore.

Questions for the empath

The empathic partner that finds themselves in a relationship with a covert narcissist will wear their own mind out with constant questions. These questions are:

What am I doing wrong here?
Is this my fault?
How can I fix this?
Am I losing my mind? Am I crazy?
Why is he/she treating me and our kids this way?

You are so desperate for genuine reconciliation, yet it never comes. You are so ready for them to carry some of the responsibility, some of the pressure and stress. But it just never happens. You are parenting completely alone. Not only that, but your partner is working against you every step of the way.

For many of us, by the time we realize what is going on in the relationship, we have become parents in this narcissistic nightmare. What in the world do we do now? A empathis parent feels an intense need to help their children in anyway they can. If you can't help them, after all, who will? The world certainly isn’t jumping in to do it. So you push yourself through this impossible situation with a strong determination. I assure you that you will reach the end of your rope many times. But each time, if you muster up the strength to look, you will see that your rope has grown a little bit longer. So you keep fighting.

Parenting Questions from the empath

As you begin to see what is happening in your world, your questions shift to the children.

How do I help them?
Are they getting hurt too much?
Should I leave? Should I stay?
What if he/she gets custody?
How do I get the target off of them?
How can I protect them?
How can I stop this?
Am I strong enough to help them?
Have I done enough?
Have I done too much?
What do I say? What do I not say?
Are they turning out just like him?
What if I can’t help them?
Do they have compassion?
Do they have an empathy muscle?
Is it too late?
Have I done enough?

These questions are endless and completely exhausting! They will consume you and every ounce of energy you have. I had hit a level of internal exhaustion that I did not know even existed. It's bad enough that the relationship you are in is crazy making. When you have children in that relationship, the crazy making goes to an unbearable level. Some of these questions will remain unanswered for years and maybe forever.

Keep Fighting for our kids

It is a fight that we simply cannot afford to give up. So we keep fighting for them. I worry about them everyday, pray for them everyday, talk to them even when they don't want to, and just keep fighting. Are they listening? I cling to the belief that they are. Some days, I feel them close off, and my heart panics. When they show coldness and callousness, everything inside me screams, “NO!”

You need to know that you are not alone. Whether you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist or not, these same questions are asked by all parents everywhere that have any ounce of care for their children. It's the narcissists that don't ask these questions. I have never heard anyone say that their narcissistic partner is overly concerned about the well-being of their children. They don't ask if they have done enough to help them be successful adults. They don't ask if their children have compassion and empathy. I'm not sure these thoughts ever even cross their self-focused minds.

So if you are that parent asking those questions, then hold your head high knowing that your compassion is genuine, that your concern is grounded, and that growth is coming in your direction. Keep asking the questions. The answers will change daily and sometimes even hourly. It's OK. The moods of kids change that often too. Stability will come though it may seem like it is forever away right now.

the crazy making questions

There are some questions that have most certainly bounced around in your head that you should let go of. These questions leave you second guessing your every move. They can paralyze you with fear and worry. They leave you doubting everything you are doing and saying.

These questions are:

Did I say the right thing?
Did I not say the right thing
Should I have said this?
Should I have said that?

Let all of that go. You say what you say and you do what you do. There is no rule that says you have to the perfect parent. You will make mistakes. You will say things that you could have said better. You will do things that you could have done better. That's OK.

Holding onto a False Image of Perfect Parenting

I want you to think about something for a minute. If you are holding onto an image of being the perfect parent who can fix everything, then you aren’t being genuine and real with your child either. Isn’t that one of the complaints against the narcissistic parent? That they cannot let go of this false image they are clinging to?

Quit spending so much energy trying to do everything exactly right. There is no exactly right. The only right way here is to be more of you! They don’t need a perfect mother/father. They need more of you!

They need to see some of your tears. They need to see some of your frustration and anger. What could possibly be more validating for how they feel about all of this than to know that you feel it too? They can now know that it is okay to feel scared, upset and lonely. They are not alone either!

Take Away

You are not alone in your exhaustion. No matter how strong you think you are, this will push you to your limits repeatedly. Some of the internal questioning is worth hanging onto, but some of it should be discarded. Learn the difference and make it happen. Remind yourself often. Finally, quit trying to be some false image of perfect. Simply work on being more of you. That is what your child needs more than anything else - genuineness and realness.

Renee Swanson 4/28/24 Renee Swanson 4/28/24

No Reconciliation Ever

In all relationships, you are certainly going to upset each other from time to time. You are going to hurt each other’s feelings and find yourself in an argument or disagreement. This is a very normal part of life. Knowing this is true, however, caused me for years to justify what was going on in my marriage. I made so many excuses for his painful words and behaviors.

No Reconciliation Ever: The Cry of a Narcissistic Relationship

“Everyone gets mad every now and then.”
“We all get our feelings hurt from time to time.”
“We all have our bad days.”

I even believed this was true. Yet I couldn’t quite put my finger on why things still felt so wrong. He wasn’t mad all the time, true. He didn’t have bad days every day, true. We actually had some good times together. Yet, I found myself dreading those bad days and bad moments. Past ones seemed to linger in my memory and future ones were anticipated with apprehension. I always knew there would be more. I knew they would never stop.

But why? When I had a disagreement with a friend or a family member, it just didn’t seem to be as big of a deal. We would apologize, and no hard feelings lingered. I used to think that maybe this is just because of the complications of being married. It’s just harder when it is on an intimate level. I guess all marriages are like this. I just have to keep working at it. Maybe someday we will get it.

Not All Marriages are Like This

I sure was wrong!! Not all marriages are like this. It isn’t because of the intimacy of the relationship. It is because we could never find a place of reconciliation. When you are in a truly loving relationship, reconciliation is something you experience often. When a healthy individual harms someone that they love, here are some things that typically happen:

The person who made the mistake feels remorse for hurting the other person.
The person who made the mistake apologizes with sincerity and without excuses.
The person who made the mistake tries to not continue repeating the offense.

When genuine forgiveness happens, the following are typically experienced:

Forgiveness and reconciliation occur.
Genuine connection and openness is felt by both parties.
This leads to changes in behavior and attitude of the person who made the mistake.
These changes lead to a more stable environment and a happier future for all involved.

You Cannot Reconcile with a Covert Narcissist

However, you just can’t reconcile with a covert narcissist. It simply can’t be done. No matter what angle you try, you cannot ever get past the defensiveness and accusations. The only way I had found to survive this was to keep sweeping it under the rug. I made excuses for him, both inside my head and outloud to others, for many years. I developed a sort of abuse amnesia, as a coping mechanism. I could forget about it, as long as the peaceful times kept coming back. However, this cannot be maintained long-term. It isn’t sustainable.

Healthy versus toxic

Compare the things the healthy individual does above with these common reactions from narcissistic individuals:

The narcissistic person defends their actions and words, feeling no remorse for hurting someone.
The narcissistic person makes excuses and accusations, rather than apologies.
The narcissistic person continues repeating the offense because they see nothing wrong with their behavior.

So instead of the positive environment mentioned above, the following are typically experienced:

Resentment and dissension occur.
Disconnection and internal mental battles occur.
The behavior and attitude never change.
The environment becomes more unstable as time goes by.
Happiness seems far out of reach.

Hooked by Hope

Believing that all marriages and relationships have their issues kept me hooked with hope for years and decades. I overlooked the passive aggressive behavior, excusing it away. I bought into the gaslighting and blamed myself. I dropped all boundaries and wrapped my whole world around his desires, needs, and attitudes. I even convinced myself that he had empathy and compassion. I certainly refused to see the emotional abuse and coercive manipulation. Until I couldn’t stay blind to it anymore. My system was breaking down and screaming at me to listen.

The intense Pain and extreme Distance

When you feel that you can never reach a point of reconciliation with a loved one, over time, any form of disagreement with that person leads to great frustration. You find yourself avoiding conflict with them entirely, causing the relationship to stay rather shallow and distant. You simply don’t feel emotionally safe with them.

If you are waiting for them to start seeing your side and meeting you in the middle, you are going to wait for a very long time. These continued attempts at reconciling are immensely damaging. You exhaust your mind trying to find the right words and the right approach. And your heart takes horrible damage. You lay it open before them, exposing your feelings of hurt and despair, and they stomp all over it and throw it out. This unwillingness to reconcile is an extreme form of emotional abuse. It leaves you as a shriveled pile of nothing, over and over and over. For your own peace of mind and heart, stop arguing with them. Stop trying to get them to see. Simply walk away. Their complete inability to reconcile says everything about them and nothing about you. You aren’t going to change them, but you can save yourself.

You have been damaged by all of this. The realization of this truth is incredibly painful. It's okay. Accept the truth. Accept the pain. Don't run from it or hide from it. Now it's time to start the healing process. In a way, it is no different from being hit by a truck. If you were run over by a truck, you would have to be extremely gentle with your body and give it time to heal. You would have to put some effort and energy into that healing process. It would be painful and difficult, and no one could do it for you. Only you! This is no different. Your heart and mind have been hit by a truck. You have to put effort and energy into the healing process, and it will be painful. But you can do it!

Renee Swanson 4/27/24 Renee Swanson 4/27/24

Grey Rock

Have you ever heard the term grey rock? I was doing this and didn’t even know what it was. It had become a way of life for me before I ever heard the phrase.

So what is grey rock? Grey rock is becoming as boring as you possibly can to this person. You show no emotions, no reactions, and no care, keeping conversations as short as possible. You become as boring, dull, empty, and emotionless as a simple grey rock. The kind we see all the time and totally ignore.

Have you ever heard the term grey rock? I was doing this and didn’t even know what it was. It had become a way of life for me before I ever heard the phrase.

This is a form of self-protection. I can't be open with him. This has burned me so many times. I can't tell him how I feel or what I think because he reacts so hard. It just wasn't worth it anymore! Volunteering any opinion or thought was risky. Keeping my mouth shut was simply safer.

Over time we have all learned our rights: "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you."

I do not blame any victims for these natural reactions of grey rocking to the constant abuse. It is a needed boundary to quit over-sharing with them, quit opening yourself up to continued abuse. Radically accept who this person is. How many times do they have to show you before you accept that they are going to treat you poorly?

Renee Swanson 4/24/24 Renee Swanson 4/24/24

Covert Narcissistic Parents are Bullies

For those who were raised by a covert narcissistic parent, my heart goes out to you. The pain you have endured is unfathomable. You should be applauded for surviving such a nightmare. Not only that though, you should be hugged and supported, given the space to heal for a while.

Being a target of a bully is traumatic. Especially if you are in a position where you cannot escape, a position of helplessness

To the world, this parent often looks amazing. They appear so invested in their kids, so caring, so loving. This is what they display publicly. In reality, they are overbearing, withholding, impossible to please, and crushing to your confidence and your spirit. Under such a parent, the child is just a shadow of themselves.

When children have a narcissistic parent, they are being parented by a bully. They cannot possibly escape this situation. They cannot make sense out of it, and they cannot reach out for help. Trying to get help often just makes the situation worse for them.

If you would like to start sharing your story to help others, please comment below.

https://www.tiktok.com/@cngreneeswanson/video/7357196156964801834

Renee Swanson 4/20/24 Renee Swanson 4/20/24

Grenade Inside a Tank

Someone who has experienced covert narcissistic abuse is like a grenade inside a tank.

On the inside, you are wound up incredibly tight, over-thinking everything, over-analyzing everything, always anticipating the next disaster. Your mind is going a million miles per hour. “Should I say it this way? Should I say it that way? What if I phrase it like this or that? Should I tell them this? Should I keep it to myself? Will they be mad about this? Will that set them off?” Tighter and tighter, your mind is winding you up in a knot, just waiting to explode.

Someone who has experienced covert narcissistic abuse is like a grenade inside a tank.

On the outside, you are a fortress of steel. You have a wall of protection around you, afraid to say anything, to do anything, trusting no one, letting no one in. You do not feel emotionally safe on a daily basis, so you close yourself off and shut down. If I keep everything to myself, then I won’t get hurt anymore. Anything I say can and will be used against me, so I surround myself with steel.

A grenade inside a tank!! This disastrous combination takes a huge toll on your health. It creates an environment of explosive energy trapped behind steel walls.

The first step in resolving this is opening the door between you and your own feelings and thoughts. Start asking yourself often, “what am I thinking about?” and “how am I feeling?” Do this free of self-judgment. You have had enough judgment already in your life. You certainly do not need anymore.

Checking in with yourself is one of the greatest forms of self-love and self-healing. It is one that is so easily missed and yet so valuable!

Renee Swanson 4/15/24 Renee Swanson 4/15/24

Googling that Brought You to Narcissism

If you are googling words like narcissism, emotional abuse, silent treatment, gaslighting, and passive aggressiveness, then you are probably not in a healthy relationship. Are you listening to podcasts about narcissism? Those podcasts do not have an audience of people who are in healthy relationships.

Does this mean you are with a narcissist or covert narcissist? No, it doesn’t necessarily. Maybe you are, maybe you aren’t. But if you are googling these things regarding your relationship, then that is a huge red flag.

Can you diagnose someone by reading on the internet? No, you cannot.

Does that mean you are not with a narcissist? No, it does not.

Whether you are with a covert narcissist or not, you may actually never know. There is a very good chance that you will never get a true answer to that question. That’s ok though.

What can you do? You can read and learn, finding the things that speak to you. What connects with you and how you feel? If you read about gaslighting and all the light bulbs go off, then learn more. If you read about blame shifting and this rings true in your situation, then read on.

It isn’t about diagnosing. At the end of the day, whether they are a covert narcissist or not isn’t what really matters. What matters is how you feel and why. It is about finding answers to why you feel the way you feel. It is about understanding where these feelings come from so you can begin the process of healing and growing. It is about healing yourself so you can make healthy decisions about your life and your future. Don’t ever forget that your life right now, and always, is about you, not anyone else.

Renee Swanson 4/13/24 Renee Swanson 4/13/24

Going Through the Alphabet

Do you feel like you are doing everything you can to make this relationship better? Are you wearing your brain out trying to find that magical solution? Giving everything a shot, trying every potential answer?

When I was apologizing yet again to my 18-year old son for all the trouble in our home over the years, he said to me,

"Mom, stop! No marriage is perfect and no individual is perfect. Sure. Maybe you could have done this or that, sure.

But mom, you did ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. Maybe there was some magical answer out there where maybe your marriage to dad could have possibly worked. But he couldn't even do "A" so there is no way that this is your fault."

My son was right! I had done SO much, tried this approach and that approach. These words, those actions, this book, that video, blah, blah, blah.

Life with a covert narcissist is so incredibly exhausting! You try from every angle to find peace with this person. You simply want a peaceful home, a peaceful marriage, a safe haven with them. But no matter how hard you try, you just cannot find it!

I went through every letter of the alphabet and some letters of the Greek alphabet too. Yet he could not even take the first step! Not even the tiniest effort. Remember this when you find yourself pouring so much effort into the relationship. You can’t do ALL the work, no one can.

Get off your own back. Quit blaming yourself. It is not your job to fix all this, all by yourself.

Renee Swanson 4/10/24 Renee Swanson 4/10/24

Glimpses of an Epiphany

You are allowed to walk this earth peacefully, just like everyone else. You really truly are. However, the covert narcissistic person in your life takes this away from you. They want to keep you subdued and smaller. They want you unnerved by chaos and frustration. This keeps them in charge.

Hear me now - you truly are allowed to walk this earth peacefully. Take your shoes off, go outside, walk in the soft grass barefoot, and repeat after me, “I can walk through life peacefully.”

This epiphany, as wonderful as it is, was impossible to keep within my grasp when I was in the throws of a marriage to a covert narcissist. The very thought was fleeting, like a flickering light bulb, one that isn’t tight enough in its socket. It flickered in and out. Sometimes it was shining so brightly and clearly, while at other times it went completely dark, providing no light at all. It was absolutely clear one day and yet disappeared from me so quickly the next. Over and over, I found myself wrapped up once again in the stress of life.

So I consciously and purposefully kept bringing myself back to this epiphany. It takes conscious effort, and I assure you that it is well worth that effort. Every time it came back, the peace it brought was stronger and clearer. It was amazing, refreshing, and enticing. When I truly connected with it, I felt like life all of a sudden made sense. It was like seeing the sky for the first time through a break in the fog.

This epiphany motivated me to keep pushing forward towards peace. I wanted and still desire to create a life where I can spend my time on positive things, on the things that I choose. That is the way of life that I desire. This very desire drove my every step forward towards freedom, no matter how difficult, one step at a time.

Renee Swanson 4/6/24 Renee Swanson 4/6/24

I Can't Change Overnight

Covert narcissists use hooks to take the heat off themselves and place the blame or responsibility back on you. Things that cause you once again to doubt yourself and your perspective.

One of these hooks is “I can’t change overnight! You’re going to have to be patient.”

Covert narcissists use hooks to take the heat off themselves and place the blame or responsibility back on you. Things that cause you once again to doubt yourself and your perspective.

One of these hooks is “I can’t change overnight! You’re going to have to be patient.”

With a covert narcissist, this statement means, “Get off my back! You are expecting too much! You are so demanding and expect me to be perfect all the time.”

Change does take time. You desire to be a patient person. So you back off. You might even feel bad for being “too” demanding.

While change does take time, the first steps don’t.

Long-term changes take time and effort, sure. But listening to what your partner is saying does not take time. It simply requires the ability to listen. Validating what they are saying does not take time. It requires willingness to validate another human being. Being willing to have some give in your interactions with them does not take time. It requires the ability to be present.

At the very least, offering a genuine apology when they express that you hurt them does not take time. It requires an ability and willingness to be vulnerable. And in fact it takes less time than the defensiveness and 2-hour lectures that many victims receive.

I wore out the entire alphabet multiple times while he couldn’t even do step A. Yes, lasting change takes time. It takes repetition and reinforcement. However, step A doesn’t. It can happen right now. One small step. One small amount of give. That can happen overnight. But if someone doesn’t have any give, then they simply don’t have any give. In fact, their lack of give is devastating. They simply won’t give an inch, a smidge.

Even to be able to say in a conversation, “Oh, that makes sense,” or “Ok, I can see that.” They just can’t do it. That would give you the slightest amount of understanding and validation. It won’t happen. So while change does take time, the first step does not. But they will never do it.

Quit accepting this hook. Changes can happen overnight. Progress can take place and be visible very quickly.

Make a list of changes you have made in life. Did these take time? Did the initial steps and commitments take time? When you were all in, did changes take place sooner?

Renee Swanson 4/3/24 Renee Swanson 4/3/24

Compassion or Empathy

Understanding the difference between compassion and empathy is important for anyone who is dealing with a non-empathetic person. Both are in response to the emotions and needs of another person. Both involve some level of awareness of the other person’s emotions and needs.

Compassion

Desire to take action to help another person

Motivating to “do” things to help the other person

Involves recognizing the suffering of others

-death of a loved one

-loss of a job

Characterized by actions

You might care about someone’s situation and feel moved to help them, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you understand what they are going through. This does not require a connection with the person or an emotional reaction to their suffering.

Compassion can be motivated by the desire to look good, to do what one believes is the “right” thing, or to have one up on the person who is now indebted to you for your compassion. The show of concern or even pity allows one to still have a sense of superiority or entitlement to reciprocal treatment. It is not necessarily motivated by an emotional response.

Compassion is action based. Without empathy behind it, it feels fake and shallow. Altruistic behavior can certainly show up in people who do not have empathy. It is a “show” of care.

Examples of Compassion

Carrying someone’s groceries to their car

Helping a sick friend with yard work while they are down

Volunteering at a local charity

Donating money to organizations that help people

Extending forgiveness to someone who has harmed you

Listen to a friend who is going through a difficult time, but often listening to figure out how to help them, what to “do”

Empathy

Feeling the same emotions of another person from their perspective

Awareness of other people’s emotional experiences

Imagining yourself in the other person’s situation

Characterized by feelings

Empathy often acts as fuel for compassion. By empathizing with someone, you might experience feelings of compassion and a desire to help. Empathy can motivate one towards compassionate acts.

Empathy is feeling based. It encourages connection and understanding. It involves an attempt to understand and feel their emotions from their perspective. Not how I would feel in their shoes, but how they feel in their shoes.

Examples of Empathy

Actively listening when others share their feelings and experiences

Sensing other people’s emotions

Being attuned to the feelings of others

Being able to tell when someone is upset, angry, happy or sad

Feeling their feelings within you, as though you are absorbing their emotions

Perspective

Someone with empathy works to see things from the other person’s perspective.

Covert narcissists cannot see, understand or even acknowledge the other person’s perspective. They might show compassion when you have a death in your family. They can see the event that has happened that would clearly cause sadness and distress. But you may not receive any compassion from them when they have yelled at you or called you names. They do not see “from your perspective” why you would be upset.

It can lead to a lot of extra confusion when our partner, who shows us no empathy, has moments of compassion with us or others. Knowing this difference can help clear up that confusion.

Compassion is easily manipulated, which fits quite well with a covert narcissist. It can be used to make you look caring and good. But even still, a covert narcissist will help from their perspective, what THEY believe you need, what THEY think is best.

Empathy pushes one to understand from the other person’s perspective, acknowledging that their perspective is probably different from our own. With empathy, we work to find out what the other person believes they need, what that person thinks is best.

If a covert narcissist believes you should be suffering, then they might be quick to show compassionate acts. However, if they believe that you should not be suffering, there will be no sign of compassion. It is all about what THEY believe you SHOULD be feeling.

Name a few compassionate acts that the covert narcissist in your life did.

Did these acts feel genuine and real? Did they feel shallow and fake? How did their compassionate acts make you feel?

Did these compassionate acts get used against you? What did that look like? How did it make you feel?

Are they able to see things from your perspective? Is there an attempt from them to do so?

Do you work to see things from their perspective? Do you feel their feelings?

Renee Swanson 3/27/24 Renee Swanson 3/27/24

Compassions Verses Empathy

Are they the same? What are their similarities and differences?

Similarities

Both are in response to the emotions and needs of another person. Both involve an awareness of some sort of the other person’s emotions and needs.

Empathy

Feeling the same emotions of another person from their perspective

Awareness of other people’s emotional experiences

Characterized by feelings

Imagining yourself in the other person’s situation

Being open to their perspective being different than yours and trying to understand from their perspective

Empathy often acts as fuel for compassion. By empathizing with someone, you might experience feelings of compassion and a desire to help.

Can motivate one towards compassionate acts

Compassion

Desire to take action to help another person

Recognizing the suffering of others

-death of a loved one

-loss of a job

Characterized by actions, motivated to “do” things to help though you still may not understand the emotions of the other person

Sense of concern and pity

Allows you to still have a sense of superiority

You might care about someone’s situation and feel moved to help them, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you understand what they are going through.

Can be motivated by the desire to look good, to do what we believe is the “right” thing

Not motivated necessarily by an emotional response

My husband had compassion. He had the desire to help if he thought I was suffering. He did not have the understanding and acceptance that I was suffering. He couldn’t understand why I was suffering and acknowledge that I was suffering.

Differences Between Compassion and Empathy

Effects

Compassion tends to be based on taking action, whereas empathy is rooted in feeling. Because compassion is action-based, people are more likely to feel that their efforts have been useful.

Empathy, while important, can sometimes contribute to greater feelings of burnout. Constantly feeling other people’s emotions can be overwhelming at times, and because it may not be linked to efforts to help, people may feel helpless or hopeless. In addition to causing feelings of personal distress, empathy can sometimes cause people to feel guilty or engage in avoidance behaviors, including social withdrawal.

Research has also found that people are often more likely to empathize with people they relate to. This might include people they actually know or even those who are similar to them in some way.2

On the other hand, compassion is something that people can extend to others without necessarily needing to have a personal connection to the situation.

Compassion

Involves sympathy and concern for someone who is suffering
Leads to action and helping behaviors
Can inspire positive feelings
Creates prosocial motivation
Altruistic response to suffering

Empathy

Feeling the emotions of others
Leads to understanding
May inspire negative feelings
Can sometimes create withdrawal behaviors
Affective response to suffering

Similarities Between Compassion and Empathy

Both compassion and empathy can sometimes be overwhelming, particularly when people are exposed to situations that require these emotions for prolonged periods. When it comes to empathy, people can sometimes experience burnout, a type of exhaustion often caused by exposure to chronic emotional, physical, or mental stress. It can leave people feeling drained and unable to muster empathy for others.

"Burnout usually has a gradual onset in which we tend to feel physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted after having been in a prolonged state of stress," Stone says.

Compassion can lead to a type of burnout known as compassion fatigue. This emotional and physical exhaustion leads to reduced feelings of empathy, increased cynicism, detachment, emotional numbness, and apathy.

People who work in healthcare settings that involve prolonged exposure to other people's suffering, such as nurses, first responders, and therapists, are more prone to experiencing compassion fatigue.3

When giving/caring/showing up for someone else feels more frustrating, stressful, and anxiety provoking for you—often to the extent that you struggle to access the empathy and compassion that once fueled your initial drive to help—it’s likely that you may be experiencing compassion fatigue.

— MIRIAM STONE, LCSW, SENIOR CLINICAL DIRECTOR, LIFESTANCE HEALTH

To try to prevent this, be mindful of how you are feeling. If you notice you are struggling to access your empathy and compassion, or it feels like it's too much for you, take a step back. Remember that your mental health is also important and that you can't help others if you don't take care of yourself.

Examples of Compassion and Empathy

Examples of compassion vs. empathy can further illustrate some of the key differences between the two concepts.

Examples of Compassion

Offering help to someone in need: This might include aiding someone with a task, such as carrying someone's groceries to their car. Or it might involve offering other types of assistance, such as performing household chores for a friend who is experiencing depression.
Volunteering for a cause: Compassion also often leads people to volunteer their time, skills, and effort for causes they care about. This might involve donating money or resources to an organization that helps people or volunteering to provide more hands-on assistance to a community organization.
Listening and being patient with others: Compassion can also cause people to listen to the concerns or experiences of others and extend greater patience as a result. For example, you might listen to someone talk about their recent challenges or give someone more time to work on a project because of something they have been going through in their personal life.
Forgiving others: The ability to forgive people who have wronged you is often rooted in compassion. While empathy might allow you to understand what they have experienced, compassion causes you to want to take action by extending forgiveness for the harm they have done.

Examples of Empathy

Actively listening to others: Empathizing involves listening carefully when others share their feelings and experiences. People who experience empathy in such situations may also ask questions or reflect on what someone has shared.
Being able to sense other people's emotions: Empathy is characterized by being attuned to other people's emotions. Examples include being able to tell when someone feels sad, happy, upset, or angry.
Feeling what others are feeling: In addition to being aware of what others are feeling, examples of empathy include actually being able to feel these same emotional reactions. It might feel like you are absorbing these emotions so that you end up experiencing the same feelings.4

How Do You Turn Empathy Into Compassion?

Compassion and empathy can be thought of as existing on a spectrum along with sympathy. Sympathy focuses on thoughts; empathy adds feelings; and compassion encompasses thoughts, feelings, and actions. It is possible to turn empathy into compassion by consciously turning your feelings into prosocial actions:

Build self-awareness: Utilize mindfulness to build greater awareness of your own thoughts and experiences. This can help you become more attuned to your own responses to different situations. Researchers have also found that people tend to be more self-compassionate when they engage in mindfulness-based interventions.5
Acknowledge the problem: Part of turning empathy into compassion is recognizing someone else's feelings and acknowledging that they need help.
Avoid judgment: Practice accepting people for who they are without trying to make judgments or assumptions. You are more likely to feel compassion for people if you avoid blaming the victim for their own suffering.
Find ways to help: Once you recognize suffering and experience empathy, ask yourself what you can do to help. This might mean supporting them in various ways, treating them kindly, or offering practical assistance.
Cultivate a compassionate mindset: You can cultivate a more compassionate mindset with continued practice. Spend some time engaging in a practice that helps you gain greater empathy for others, such as loving-kindness meditation, which involves focusing on positive thoughts about others. As time passes, you may feel more in tune with other people's emotions and more motivated to take steps to help.6

This doesn’t have to mean taking it upon yourself to fix other people’s problems. Instead, it is about offering the type of assistance you can provide to alleviate someone else's pain, whether large or small. Taking such actions can also help turn the distress that empathy can sometimes create into more positive emotions that compassion can elicit.

Research has also shown that people can learn to be more compassionate and that short-term compassion training can increase altruistic behavior.7

Coping With Compassion and Empathy

Prolonged exposure to other people's pain and suffering can also contribute to feelings of burnout or compassion fatigue. In such cases, taking a step back and caring for yourself is essential. Stone recommends:

Practicing self-care: This can involve whatever helps you feel fueled and restored, whether journaling, meditating, mindfulness, yoga, walking, or just getting a good night's sleep.
Getting support: Reach out to friends and family or consider talking to a mental health professional.
Establish boundaries: Creating healthy boundaries in relationships can be a helpful way to manage emotional stress.

Recognizing when you might be emotionally overextended and taking on too much is key. It will allow you to take a step back, set some healthy boundaries, and ultimately take the steps necessary to reprioritize your own physical, mental, and emotional well-being.

— MIRIAM STONE, LCSW, SENIOR CLINICAL DIRECTOR, LIFESTANCE HEALTH