Covert Narcissism: It’s Not What They Said, It’s How They Said It
Have you ever asked yourself, “Am I the narcissist?”
It’s one of the most common fears I hear from survivors of covert narcissistic abuse. And here’s why: covert narcissists often use the very same words you do. At times, they mirror you. They accuse you of doing exactly what they’re doing. They’ll say things like, “You never listen,” “You always bring up the past,” or “Nothing ever gets resolved.” And these are the very things you are trying to communicate to them.
It’s confusing, disorienting, and often makes you second-guess yourself. But here’s the truth: the difference doesn’t lie in the words. It lies in the intentions behind them.
It’s not just about what is said, but how it is said, the energy behind it, and the capacity to follow through. Let’s break it down.
Why This Feels So Confusing
In a relationship with a covert narcissist, you often end up in a hall of mirrors. You hear your own words coming back at you—but twisted. You recognize your own actions reflected back—but weaponized. Over time, it makes you wonder, “Maybe they’re right. Maybe I’m the toxic one.”
The truth? Intent is everything.
Examples of “Same Words, Different Worlds”
1. “We Need to Talk”
You: Your heart is pounding. You want to clear the air, reconnect, and repair.
Them: It’s a warning. They’ve decided you’ve done something wrong. You’re in for a lecture or guilt trip.
2. “You Never Listen to Me”
You: A desperate plea to be heard. You want connection.
Them: A demand for compliance. Listening isn’t about understanding; it’s about agreeing with their version of reality.
3. “I Don’t Want to Fight”
You: An olive branch. You want peace.
Them: A shutdown tactic. A way to avoid accountability while blaming you if conflict occurs.
4. “I’m Sorry”
You: Heartfelt and sincere, with a willingness to repair.
Them: Hollow or manipulative. Sometimes followed by a “but…” or used to end a conversation without real change.
5. Silence
You: A pause to protect yourself, collect your thoughts, or prevent escalation.
Them: A weapon. Punishment, control, and a tool to make you chase, apologize, or feel anxious.
6. Bringing Up the Past
You: A desire for closure and healing.
Them: Control and manipulation. Past mistakes are ammunition, not lessons.
The Core Difference: Intent & Capacity
It’s not just the words—it’s the intent and the capacity behind them.
Survivors are motivated by connection, repair, and growth. You bring up the past to close wounds, apologize to heal, and communicate to deepen understanding.
Narcissists are motivated by control, avoidance, and ego protection. They mimic repair, pull out past mistakes for leverage, and use words to manipulate or dominate.
Even if you give a narcissist the exact script for healthy communication, they lack the emotional capacity to follow through consistently. Vulnerability, humility, and accountability are foreign concepts to them—they avoid them at all costs.
A Check-In for You
If you find yourself asking, “Am I the narcissist?”—stop. Instead, ask yourself:
Am I willing to take responsibility when I’ve hurt someone?
Am I genuinely seeking resolution, or trying to control and silence?
Here’s the truth: narcissists don’t sit around wondering if they’re narcissists. Survivors do. That doubt itself is proof of your empathy.
Closing Thoughts
If you’ve been told you can’t let things go, that you’re always bringing up the past, or that nothing ever gets resolved—remember:
It’s not proof that you’re the problem. It’s proof that you’re longing for repair in a relationship with someone who refuses to do it.
The same words may come out of both mouths, but the meaning and outcome reveal the truth:
Their intent is control.
Yours is connection.
And that, my friend, makes all the difference.
