Pull Back Your Supply: Seeing the Genuine Nature of Your Relationship
Have you ever wondered what would happen if you stopped pouring all your energy into that special someone?
What if you shifted even a small portion of that energy into yourself—your well-being, your hobbies, your friendships, your peace?
Here’s the thing: in a healthy relationship, that shift would be welcomed, even celebrated.
But in a relationship with a covert narcissist, it exposes the truth like nothing else.
Pulling back your supply isn’t about being mean. It’s about watching, listening, and learning what’s really underneath.
Because sometimes, self-care is more than bubble baths and candles. Sometimes, it’s the ultimate test of whether your partner can survive without your constant attention.
What Is “Supply”?
Let’s start with this: supply is your attention. Your emotional labor. Your caretaking.
It’s every time you smile to keep the peace.
Every time you anticipate their needs before they even say them.
Every time you carry the weight of their moods, disappointments, and messes.
Covert narcissists don’t thrive on their own—they survive by siphoning your energy.
And many of us don’t even realize how much we’re giving away until we’re empty.
One woman told me,
“I didn’t notice it at first. It started small—running errands, fixing his plate, answering his texts right away. But years later, I realized I couldn’t remember the last decision I made that was just for me.”
That’s supply. And you’ve been feeding it.
The Test of Pulling Back
So what happens when you stop?
What happens when you take one small step back—not in cruelty, but in self-care?
Maybe you go for a walk after dinner instead of watching TV together.
Maybe you say, “I think I’ll spend Saturday painting,” instead of bending over backward for their plans.
Maybe you go to bed early with a book instead of waiting up for them.
This is not punishment. It’s a shift—a reclaiming of your life.
And it’s one of the most powerful ways to see the genuine nature of your relationship.
What Healthy Love Looks Like
If you’ve never been in a healthy relationship, you might not know what one looks like.
In a healthy relationship, pouring energy into yourself isn’t a crisis. It isn’t betrayal. It’s balance.
Your healthy partner enjoys space to pour into themselves too. They understand that your self-care is part of the rhythm of life.
They know that a healthier you means a healthier relationship.
A healthy partner says things like:
“You should go for your run—I’ll get dinner started.”
“Take that class—you’ve wanted to for ages.”
“I’ll miss you, but I want you to go on that trip with your friends.”
One listener told me about the first time she took a yoga retreat for the weekend. She was terrified to tell her husband—she expected criticism or guilt.
Instead, he packed her a snack bag and said,
“I’m so proud of you for doing this for yourself.”
She cried. She said, “It was the first time I had ever been encouraged like that.”
That’s the bar. That’s what love should look like.
In healthy love, your self-care is not a threat—it’s part of the relationship.
What Happens with a Covert Narcissist
Now let’s look at the other side.
In a relationship with a covert narcissist, that same shift—the one that’s celebrated in a healthy partnership—becomes a threat.
The moment your attention shifts, they panic.
They don’t have a solid sense of self. They survive by attaching to you and draining your energy. When your energy turns inward, it exposes their emptiness.
Instead of celebrating your self-care, they resent it.
Instead of saying, “I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself,” they send messages, either loudly or silently:
“How dare you take your eyes off me?”
It comes out in two main ways:
Explosions – Anger, accusations, emotional outbursts.
Implosions – Sulking, withdrawing, the cold silence that fills the room like fog.
Explosions: The Tantrums of Control
Explosions can look like:
Yelling or dramatic fights
Guilt trips: “You never loved me anyway.”
Threats of abandonment: “Why don’t you just leave if you don’t want to spend time with me?”
It’s like living with a toddler who missed a nap. The tantrums erupt because you stopped clapping for their performance.
Implosions: The Quiet Punishment
Implosions are quieter but just as damaging. They withdraw. They turn their back to you in bed. They give you the silent treatment.
One woman told me,
“The silence was worse than yelling. At least with yelling, I knew where I stood. But with silence, I felt like I was drowning in a void.”
That’s the covert part of covert narcissism—it’s not always loud. Sometimes it’s the absence of connection that hurts the most.
The Childlike Core
When you stop feeding a covert narcissist, you get to see what’s underneath.
Pulling back your supply forces the truth into the light.
One survivor told me,
“The day I skipped folding his laundry and went for a run instead, he lost his mind. Over laundry. That’s when I saw it—he didn’t love me. He loved what I did for him.”
That’s not partnership. It’s a childlike desperation for attention.
Picture a toddler in the grocery store who isn’t allowed to have a candy bar.
There’s crying, stomping, dramatic collapsing on the floor.
The only difference with a covert narcissist is that they’re taller and pay taxes.
Healthy adults can self-soothe.
They can be alone.
They can celebrate your independence.
A covert narcissist cannot. Their survival depends on you never looking away.
Practical Ways to Pull Back Your Supply
Here are small ways to start reclaiming yourself:
Reclaim small choices. Order the food you want. Watch the movie you prefer.
Take up space. Sit with your book instead of engaging in their drama.
Say no. Decline a request that drains you.
Invest in yourself. Join a class. Take a walk. Explore something new.
Each small act of independence heals you—and reveals them.
What to Expect
When you pull back your supply, expect backlash. Expect guilt trips. Expect tantrums or silence.
But also expect clarity.
Because if your relationship cannot survive you taking care of yourself, it’s not a partnership. It’s a contract where you keep giving, and they keep taking.
Reflection Exercise
Try this:
Choose one small act of self-care this week.
Notice their reaction—without explaining or defending.
Journal what you observed. Ask yourself:
Did I feel supported or punished?
Did their response leave me lighter or heavier?
That reflection may reveal more than words ever could.
The Takeaway
Pulling back your supply is not about cruelty—it’s about honesty.
Because love celebrates your independence. Control punishes it.
If your partner supports your self-care, there’s health.
If they punish it, there’s your truth.
Your worth isn’t found in endlessly giving yourself away.
Your worth is already inside of you.
It’s time to reclaim it.
