Covert Narcissism and Trauma: Why You and Your Kids Stop Talking

Becoming Careful With Words

Have you ever noticed how cautious you’ve become with your words? Not silent exactly—but careful. You think things through before you speak. You test the waters. You decide what’s worth saying and what’s better left alone. And somewhere along the way, staying quiet began to feel safer than being honest.

Maybe you see this in your kids too. They give shorter answers. They retreat to their rooms. They say “it’s fine” and “never mind” more than they used to. And you’re left wondering what changed. Was it something you did? Something you didn’t do? Or something they learned—quietly—about what happens when you speak up?

If you’ve lived with covert narcissism or chronic emotional invalidation, this didn’t happen by accident. You didn’t stop talking because you stopped caring. Your nervous system learned that honesty came with consequences. Conversations felt risky. Silence began to feel safer.

When Silence Is a Survival Skill

In emotionally unsafe environments, people don’t stop feeling—they stop expressing. Over time, the nervous system learns that sharing your inner world may lead to defensiveness, blame, withdrawal, or emotional punishment. Self‑silencing becomes automatic, not because there’s nothing to say, but because saying it costs too much. This is true for adults, and it is especially true for children.

Children adapt quickly. When they learn that speaking up leads to dismissal or consequences, they don’t stop having feelings. They learn to keep those feelings inside. From the outside it may look like withdrawal, defiance, or indifference. On the inside, it is protection.

Understanding Safety

This is why safety matters so deeply, and why it helps to understand what safety actually means.

Physical Safety

Physical safety isn’t just the absence of hitting. It includes freedom from intimidation, unpredictable rage, slammed doors, thrown objects, blocked exits, or looming body language that makes the body freeze. Even if nothing “technically” happens, your nervous system knows when it isn’t safe—and it responds accordingly.

Emotional Safety

Emotional safety means your feelings are allowed to exist without being mocked, minimized, corrected, or turned into a problem. It means you can say, “That hurt,” without being told you’re too sensitive or dramatic. In a safe relationship, saying “I’ve been feeling really lonely lately” might be met with curiosity and care. In an unsafe one, that same sentence can be met with defensiveness, shifting the focus away from your feelings and onto managing someone else’s reactions. Over time, you learn that expressing emotions creates more work, not connection.

Psychological Safety

Psychological safety is especially important in covert narcissistic dynamics. It means reality stays stable. What was said yesterday isn’t denied today. Your memory isn’t constantly questioned. You aren’t left wondering whether you imagined something that felt very real. A flat denial fractures trust in your own mind. A response that acknowledges impact, even without perfect recall, preserves safety. When psychological safety is missing, the brain works overtime trying to find solid ground. That exhaustion isn’t weakness—it’s survival.

Conversational Safety

Safety also shows up in conversation. Conversational safety means you can bring up something difficult without fear of punishment, either immediately or later. In unsafe environments, honesty is treated like an attack. Defensiveness replaces curiosity. Accountability disappears. The nervous system takes note. The next time something hurts, you stay quiet—not because you don’t care, but because you already know the cost.

This is especially true for children and teens. A teen who says, “I don’t like it when you joke about my grades,” is taking a risk. When that risk is met with dismissal or defensiveness, they learn to stop bringing things up. When it’s met with accountability and care, they learn that honesty leads to repair, not punishment. That difference shapes whether kids stay connected or go quiet.

The Importance of Repair

No parent responds perfectly every time. Safety isn’t about perfection—it’s about repair. Repair means coming back later and saying, “I’ve been thinking about what you shared. I got defensive instead of listening. I’m sorry. I want you to feel safe talking to me.” There’s no justification or minimizing, just accountability. Repair teaches the nervous system that silence doesn’t have to be permanent and that relationships can survive honesty.

Relational Safety

Relational safety is the belief that the relationship itself won’t be threatened by truth. In unsafe dynamics, love feels conditional and disagreement feels dangerous, so people choose peace over truth even when it costs them pieces of themselves. In safe relationships, rupture doesn’t mean abandonment. Conflict doesn’t end connection. Honesty doesn’t require perfection.

One parent recently shared that their child said, “You showed me the difference safety makes. And now I want to provide that safety to others.” That is what healing looks like. When someone finally experiences safety, their nervous system no longer has to brace, and something remarkable happens—they want to offer that safety to others.

Final Thoughts

If you or your children have gone quiet, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means your nervous system adapted. Healing begins when it becomes safe to speak again—slowly, imperfectly, and without fear of punishment. Children don’t heal because we say the perfect things. They heal because someone made it safe for them to be real. And sometimes, showing them the difference is everything.

Wishing you peace on your healing journey.