Covert Narcissism and the Nervous System: Why You Feel So Reactive

If you are in a relationship marked by covert narcissism and you constantly feel “too emotional” or reactive, this is for you. Many people living in covert narcissistic dynamics begin to question their own stability. You may even wonder, Am I the narcissist? Am I the problem?

You’ve been told you’re dramatic. Hypersensitive. Overreacting. Unstable. Somewhere along the way, you may have started to believe it.

But what if your emotional reactivity is not a character flaw?
What if it is a biological response to unpredictability, invalidation, and emotional disconnection?

Let’s look at this through a nervous system lens.

There Is Nothing Wrong With Being Emotional

In covert narcissistic dynamics, you are often cast as “the emotional one.” And maybe you are. But there is nothing wrong with that. Emotions are part of being human. They influence how every one of us thinks and behaves.

You may want to talk things through. You may want repair. You may want clarity so hurt does not fester. Meanwhile, your partner may appear calm, detached, or ready to pretend everything is fine.

But calmness is not always healthy.
Sometimes calm is shut down.
Sometimes it is avoidance.
Sometimes it is control.

Emotional flatness can look stable on the outside while creating deep instability inside the relationship.

So of course you react. You are reacting to emotional unhealthiness, emotional immaturity, and emotional cruelty.

Reactivity is not a personality trait. It is a nervous system response to perceived threat.

Your Nervous System Is Doing Its Job

Your nervous system is designed to keep you alive and connected. When attachment feels unstable—when you feel dismissed, criticized, blamed, stonewalled, or emotionally abandoned—your body interprets this as danger.

Not because you are weak.
Because attachment is wired into survival.

The same circuitry that responds to physical danger activates during emotional and relational threat. Your nervous system cannot tell the difference between standing in front of a bear and being shut down by someone you love.

Your heart rate rises.
Your chest tightens.
Your thinking narrows.
You feel urgency.

So yes, you may push harder.
You may cry.
You may escalate.
You may over-explain.

And then you are told you are “too reactive.”

But your body is responding to unpredictability and disconnection.

Why Unpredictability Is So Activating

Unpredictability is one of the most powerful triggers for the nervous system. When the rules keep shifting, when conversations are rewritten, when accountability turns into defensiveness, your body never fully stands down.

They may hit the reset button and act as if nothing happened.
But your nervous system stays in the “on” position.

Over time, the threshold for activation lowers. What looks like a small reaction in the moment is often the result of long-term accumulation.

Your reaction did not begin that day.
It began with the pattern.

What Is Happening in Your Brain

When your partner dismisses or withdraws, your brain’s threat detection center—the amygdala—activates automatically. It sends an alarm before your rational brain even has time to interpret the situation.

This activates your stress response. Cortisol rises. Breathing changes. Blood flow shifts toward survival.

At the same time, activity in your prefrontal cortex decreases. This is the part of the brain responsible for logic, impulse control, emotional regulation, and perspective.

So when someone says you were irrational, they are often describing a brain in threat mode.

That is not a moral failure.
That is neurobiology.

Attachment and Co-Regulation

From infancy, our nervous systems develop through co-regulation. When distress is met with warmth and consistency, the nervous system learns safety. When responses are inconsistent, critical, or dismissive, the nervous system learns vigilance.

This wiring shows up in adult relationships.

If your partner is sometimes warm and sometimes withdrawn, your nervous system cannot relax. Small moments can trigger big reactions because they activate accumulated threat.

It is not about the dishwasher.
It is about the pattern.

Polyvagal States in Relationships

When you feel safe and connected, your nervous system is in a regulated state. You can think clearly, connect emotionally, and repair conflict.

When you feel threatened, you shift into fight or flight. This looks like urgency, defensiveness, or emotional intensity.

If the threat feels overwhelming, you may shut down, numb out, or withdraw.

Many survivors cycle between activation and shutdown because their environment lacks consistent safety.

Tone, eye contact, predictability, and repair all send signals to the nervous system. When these are missing, your body stays on alert.

Healing Requires Safety

Here is the honest truth: you cannot heal hypervigilance in an unsafe environment.

Nervous systems heal through repeated experiences of safety. The brain rewires when new experiences consistently contradict old threat patterns.

Yes, you can work on your reactivity. You can practice grounding, mindfulness, therapy, and awareness. You can lengthen the space between trigger and response.

But the deeper question is this:

Does your environment support nervous system regulation?

Does your partner value repair?
Do they acknowledge patterns?
Do they create predictability?
Do they show consistent effort?

Nervous system regulation is not a solo sport in intimate relationships. We are wired for co-regulation.

The Questions That Actually Matter

Instead of asking, Am I too emotional? try asking:

What does my nervous system need to feel safe?
Is there reciprocity in my relationship?
Is there consistency?
Is there repair?

Can you create predictability for yourself?
Can you build support outside the relationship?
Can you pause before engaging?
Can you seek safe connections elsewhere?

This is where healing happens.

You Are Not Broken

You are probably less unstable than you’ve been led to believe.

If parts of you are reactive, that does not make you broken. It makes you human.

The goal is not to shame your nervous system into silence.
The goal is to give it the safety it needs to soften.

Your nervous system is not your enemy.
It has been trying to protect you.