The War Inside You: Why Part of You Still Misses Them (Covert Narcissistic Abuse)

There is something that confuses almost everyone who has lived through covert narcissistic abuse. Why do you still miss them, even after everything you now understand? You can see the manipulation clearly. You can name the emotional abuse. You can feel the exhaustion in your body. And yet, there is still a part of you that misses them. A part that hopes. A part that wonders if maybe it wasn’t as bad as it felt. And then another part of you jumps in and says, “What is wrong with me? Why am I still thinking this way?” That internal back-and-forth can feel just as destabilizing as the relationship itself. But what if I told you there is nothing wrong with you? What if instead of seeing this as confusion, we started seeing it as communication?

I want to introduce you to a framework today that may help you make sense of this inner conflict in a completely different way. It’s called Internal Family Systems, or IFS. This is not about your external family. This is about your internal system, the different parts of you that developed over time to help you survive. Because here’s the truth: you are not one single, consistent voice inside. You are made up of parts, and those parts have been working very hard for you for a very long time.

In IFS, these parts tend to fall into three main roles, and understanding this structure can change everything. The first group is called managers. These are protective parts that try to stay ahead of pain. They manage your day-to-day life by controlling situations, planning, overthinking, striving for perfection, or even criticizing you before anyone else can. If you’ve ever found yourself replaying conversations, trying to get everything just right, or being incredibly hard on yourself, that is likely a manager part trying to protect you from feeling something deeper.

The second group is called firefighters. These are also protectors, but they are reactive instead of proactive. When emotional pain breaks through, when something triggers that deep hurt, firefighters jump in quickly to put out the fire. They don’t care about long-term consequences; they care about stopping the pain right now. This can show up as numbing behaviors, overworking, binge eating, substance use, scrolling, shutting down, or even explosive anger. If you’ve ever thought, “Why did I just do that?” or “That’s not who I want to be,” you are likely seeing a firefighter part trying to protect you in the only way it knows how.

And then there are exiles. These are the wounded parts of you that carry the pain, the shame, the fear, and the emotional injuries, many of which were formed long before this relationship but were activated and deepened within it. These are the parts that felt unseen, dismissed, blamed, and alone. These are the parts that still carry the question, “Am I too much, or not enough?” Your system works very hard to keep these parts hidden, because their pain can feel overwhelming. That is why the protectors exist.

So when you feel that internal conflict, the part of you that still loves them, the part that is angry, the part that is analyzing everything, and the part that just wants relief, you are not broken. You are witnessing your internal system doing exactly what it was designed to do: protect you from pain.

Imagine a real house fire. It’s the middle of the night, and firefighters are called to a home where there are people trapped inside. When they arrive, they don’t stand outside analyzing the architecture or worrying about the cost of the damage. They don’t carefully test every door to see which one opens most efficiently. They don’t pause to consider how to preserve the furniture or avoid breaking windows. They go straight into action.

If the front door is locked, they don’t go searching for a key. They break it down. If the windows are closed, they don’t stop to gently slide them open. They smash through them. If there are walls in the way, they cut through them. Their only priority in that moment is to get to the people inside and get them out alive.

That is firefighter energy. It is urgent, reactive, and completely focused on stopping harm right now, without regard for the long-term consequences.

Now, let’s think about the other systems in place. Before the fire ever started, there were smoke detectors installed. There were building codes followed. There may have been fire prevention measures, inspections, and safety plans. That is more like your managers. They are there to prevent disaster, to keep things structured, to reduce the likelihood of something going wrong in the first place.

And inside the house are the people. The ones the firefighters are trying to reach. That’s your exile. The vulnerable ones who cannot protect themselves in that moment, the ones who would be overwhelmed by the fire if no one intervened.

So when the fire breaks out, everything shifts. The managers are no longer in charge. The firefighters take over. And they do what they have to do to save what matters most, even if it means breaking things in the process.

Now imagine what happens after the fire is out. The house is damaged. Doors are broken. Windows are shattered. Walls may be torn open. From the outside, it might look like destruction. But every bit of that damage happened in the service of protection.

This is exactly how your internal system works. When emotional pain gets triggered, your internal firefighters don’t stop to think about long-term consequences. They move fast to put out the fire. And afterward, your managers come back in, looking at the damage, trying to restore order, sometimes criticizing the very response that was trying to save you.

When you understand this, you stop asking, “Why did I do that?” and start asking, “What was my system trying to protect in that moment?”

Let’s tie this back to covert narcissism. Imagine this. You’re at home, and you receive a text from your ex that says something subtle but loaded, something that used to hook you. Maybe it’s, “I was just thinking about you. Hope you’re doing okay.” On the surface, it seems harmless. But your body reacts instantly.

Your manager parts have likely been working all day to keep you steady. They’ve been reminding you why you left, helping you stay focused, maybe even saying things like, “You’re doing better. Don’t go backwards. Stay strong.” They’ve been carefully keeping everything in order, like someone maintaining a house, making sure nothing catches fire.

But the moment you read that text, something deeper gets triggered. There’s a shift in your chest, maybe a drop in your stomach. That’s the exile. The part of you that felt loved by them, the part that still carries the longing, the loneliness, the question of “Was any of it real?” That part doesn’t feel logical. It feels emotional, raw, and very young.

And now the fire has started.

The firefighters don’t stop to assess the situation. They don’t calmly walk to the door and unlock it. They crash through the nearest window. Their only goal is to put out the pain as fast as possible.

So before you even have time to think, you find yourself responding to the text. Or rereading old messages. Or checking their social media. Or maybe you go the other direction and pour a drink, turn on the TV, or shut down completely. Maybe it even comes out as anger, “Why are they texting me? What do they want now?” That reaction isn’t random. That is your firefighter charging in, trying to extinguish the emotional fire of that exile being activated.

And afterward, once everything settles, the manager comes back online. It looks around at the broken glass, the damage, and says, “Why did you do that? You were doing so well.” The self-criticism kicks in. The over-analysis starts. The attempt to regain control returns.

But if you step back and look at the whole system, you see something very different. The manager was trying to prevent the fire. The exile was holding the pain that got triggered. And the firefighter rushed in to put it out, without concern for the long-term impact, because in that moment, stopping the pain felt like survival.

None of these parts are bad. They are all trying to protect you. But without awareness, they can end up working against each other, leaving you feeling stuck, confused, and frustrated with yourself.

When you look at it this way, you can see that every part is trying to help. The manager is trying to keep you from going backward. The firefighter is trying to stop the pain. And the exile is simply holding the wound that has never been fully seen or healed. That exile part wants connection in life, that is a huge part of this wound.  

This is what is happening inside so many people after covert narcissistic abuse, and when you don’t understand this system, it feels like chaos. It feels like you are contradicting yourself. It feels like you cannot trust your own mind or feelings. It feels like you are broken, damaged, or even like you are the problem. But when you begin to see the roles each part is playing, something shifts. You begin to understand that you are not broken. You are layered.

Now here is where this becomes incredibly empowering. The goal is not to get rid of these parts. The goal is not to silence them or force them to change. In IFS, we believe there are no bad parts. Every part of you has a positive intention, even if the way it is going about it is not helping you anymore. Healing happens when you begin to understand these parts and step into a different role, not as one of the parts, but as the one who leads them.

There is a YOU outside of these parts. This is what IFS calls your core self. Your core self is calm, curious, grounded, and compassionate. It is not overwhelmed. It is not reactive. When you can tap into that core self, all of a sudden everything looks different. It’s what I sometimes refer to as taking a step back and giving yourself some breathing room, a pause button, looking at you, your thoughts, feelings and reactions with curiosity instead of judgement. And when you are in that space, you can begin to relate to your parts instead of being overrun by them.

So how do you actually start doing this?

Within this IFS framework, the first step is something called parts mapping. This simply means beginning to notice and identify your parts. You might start to recognize a critical voice that tells you you’re not doing enough. That is your manager part. You might notice an anxious fixer that tries to solve everything before it becomes a problem. That is your firefighter part. You might feel a younger, more vulnerable part that carries sadness or fear. That is your exile part. As you begin to name these parts, you create space between you and them. You begin to see that you are not the part, you are the one observing it and experiencing it.

You can also begin to notice where these parts show up in your body. Maybe the anxious part lives in your chest, tight and heavy. Maybe the critical part feels sharp and tense in your mind. Maybe the wounded part feels like a heaviness in your stomach. This awareness helps you connect with your system in a much more grounded way.

The next step is something called unblending. Unblending is the process of separating yourself from a part of you so you can observe it, instead of being taken over by it.

In other words, instead of being the anxious, angry, or reactive part, you begin to notice, “A part of me is feeling this way,” which creates space for your calmer, more grounded self to step in and lead.

 and one way to do this is through a simple process often referred to as the six Fs. First, you find the part. You notice that it is there. Bring it to your awareness. Then you focus on it, bringing your attention to it without trying to push it away. Next, you flesh it out by getting curious about it. What does it believe? What is it trying to tell you? Then you feel toward it, you lean in approaching it with curiosity instead of judgment. From there, you begin to friend it, letting it know you are willing to listen. And finally, you ask what it fears would happen if it stopped doing its job. This last piece is powerful, because it reveals what the part is truly trying to protect you from.

Find - What part of me is showing up right now? Is it a manager, a firefighter or an exile?

Focus - What does this part feel like right now, and where do I feel it in my body?

Flesh - What does this part believe? What is this part trying to do for me?

Feel -  What do I feel toward this part right now?

Befriend -  What might this part need me to understand or hear?

Fear - What is this part afraid would happen if I don’t listen to it right now?

When you begin to do this, everything inside you starts to shift. Instead of fighting yourself, you begin to understand yourself. Instead of trying to force change, you create safety. And when your parts begin to feel safe, they no longer have to work so hard in extreme ways.

The goal here is not to fix yourself. It’s not to silence or beat down the parts of you that feel messy or confusing. It’s not perfection or control, but rather harmony. It’s to begin building a different relationship with yourself. One that is rooted in curiosity instead of judgment. One where you are no longer at war internally, but starting to understand the system that has been trying to carry you through.

Then to create a structure where your core self is leading, and your parts no longer have to take on extreme roles to keep you safe. They can begin to trust that they don’t have to carry everything on their own.

The part of you that stayed was not weak. The part of you that still cares is not broken. The part of you that struggles to let go is not failing. The part of you that is angry and reactive is not wrong. These are parts of you that adapted to survive something deeply confusing and emotionally unsafe. Your system has done and is doing exactly what it needs to do to get you through.

It is time to work with those parts. Start by thanking them for their compassion, care, strength, commitment, passion, and more. Get to know them and gently take your place as the one who leads them. Because when you do that, the chaos inside begins to settle, not because everything disappears, but because it finally has direction.

As we wrap up today, I want you to take a breath and just notice what this brings up for you. You don’t have to figure it all out right now. You don’t have to do anything perfectly. Even simply beginning to recognize that there are different parts of you, and that those parts are trying to protect you, is a powerful shift.

I know that what I shared today may feel helpful, but also a little abstract. You might be thinking, “Okay, I understand this… but what do I actually do in the moment when I’m triggered? When everything inside me feels loud or overwhelming?” Or “how do I take this information and make it applicable to my healing?”

So next week, I’m going to walk you step by step through this simple set of questions in a very relatable and applicable way. My goal is to help you begin to identify your parts, understand what they are doing, and respond in a way that creates more calm and clarity inside of you. This is where this work becomes something you can actually use, not just something you understand.

Most of us were never taught how to have this kind of relationship with ourselves. This work is life-changing. So join me next week to dig in a little deeper on your own healing.

Your story matters, and you deserve to be heard without judgment. If you’re ready to take the next step toward healing, check out my coaching services at www.covertnarcissism.com. And don’t forget to subscribe to this channel so you don’t miss any steps of this journey.