Sometimes We Stay for Our Kids.....At Least For A While

I am right now at the point of making the single hardest decision I have ever made. Do I stay or do I leave? Do I file for divorce or do I keep putting it off?

This is NOT an easy decision. It is one I have faced before, but never like I do now. These last few days have put this question in front of me in a way like never before. For many of my friends, this seems like such an easy decision. They see the abuse, they see the anguish in me and in our boys, they know that we have suffered. “Just get out,” they say. I know they mean well, and it seems so straight forward to them. But it isn’t!!

Many of them have asked me why I have stayed as long as I have. I have one simple answer to that. For our boys. I know in some situations it seems the right choice to leave, but please understand that in some situations it seems the right choice to stay, at least for a while. So let me explain.

Sacrifices for Our Kids

I have two amazing boys. They are my world, and I would do anything for them. I could not bare the thought of them spending alone time with their narcissistic father. At times when I did have commitments, I realized that one evening alone with him consistently did so much damage to them. I repeatedly came home to so much tension and negative energy in the house that I just couldn’t stand it. It got to where I started canceling all the evening engagements that I could. I didn’t go out with my girlfriends, hardly ever. I had to work some in the evenings, but I would rush home as fast as I could each time.

I’ve heard horror stories of judges placing custody of the kids into the hands of the narcissistic parent. These parents are very capable of charming the courts and appearing quite stable and caring. The non-narcissistic parent, who by now has nearly lost their mind with all the head-spinning circular conversations and sheer exhaustion, can appear exasperated and unstable. There was just NO way that I was going to put the lives of my boys into the hands of a judge I did not know. A judge who does not know my husband and who could easily be snowed over.

Even if I gained full custody, I also knew that they would still have to spend time with him. Every other weekend, some holidays, even some of summer break. NO WAY!! Then I would not have been there to help them process all the negativity. I would not have been there to play buffer and step in the way of the line of fire.

Personal Example

I’ll give you a perfect example. Two years ago, our youngest was 14 years old. I knew that he and his dad had gotten into it over what tv show to watch. Our son wanted to watch MASH, but my husband wanted to watch Frasier. Rather than being able to peacefully work to a compromise, this became a heated issue, like many times before. My husband was harsh and demanding to his own son, who just wanted to watch a simple tv show with his family. How many dad’s out there would give money for their son to want to watch a show with the family? We ended up watching nothing, and our son went to his room to get on his phone instead.

My husband asked me if I thought he had done anything wrong here. He would often ask me, but then argue with anything I said. He didn’t ever want my opinion. He wants an audience so he can argue his point. This is just a “polite” and subtle way to get to that argument. I told him that I didn’t understand why he cared SO much about what show we watched. We have watched so many episodes of each of these, so what difference does it make? A lot of parents would just be thrilled that their teenage child even wants to watch a show with them at all. He responded, “So, I’m just supposed to let him win all the time?” Win? Who said anything about winning? This isn’t a competition. It’s just a show on tv. It was clear that my husband also didn’t care what show we actually watched. He only cared about who “wins” as the picker of the show.

He then decided to go upstairs and “fix” things with our son. This is the worst part!! His way of fixing things is to tell you everything you have ever done wrong. You find yourself defending anything you have ever said, thought or done. Even things you haven’t said, thought or done. It is a horrible place to be, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

For all of our children’s lives, I have tried to stop these horrible conversations. I call them circular conversations from hell. No matter what you say, he will throw everything back at you, making everything your fault. You can try to express your own thoughts and feelings. However, he will manipulate your words, twisting them around so much that you don’t even know what happened.

This particular night, after they had been in the room for quite awhile, I tried to interrupt this conversation. I came in and reminded our son that he had a math test the next day and that it was getting late. I looked at his dad and said, “He really should get to bed soon.” It was almost 10:00 at night. About 10 minutes later, my husband came out of our son’s room. As usual, he never said a word to me about what had happened or how things were. He got ready for bed, went to bed, and was sound asleep without a care in the world.

So I went to check on our son. I found our 14-year old son curled up in a ball on his closet floor. He was surrounded by his stuffed animals from childhood, crying and saying over and over, “I hate myself. I hate myself.” This image is forever implanted in my brain and makes me want to scream.

I simply held him for a while. I assured him that he was safe and fine. I asked what had happened, but he didn’t want to talk about it. I knew it was late, but he sure couldn’t go to sleep like this. I took him downstairs and outside to our back patio. We train in martial arts and have a hanging bag out there. I wrapped his hands and said, “Start pounding.” He attacked that workout bag for a hard 15 minutes with tears streaming down his cheeks. Then he plopped down in the chair beside me, huffing, and said, “Thanks, I needed that.”

Then we talked. I asked him if he wanted to tell me about the conversation with his dad. He did, so I listened. I didn’t have any great words of advice. His dad was playing the same manipulative games he always played. There was nothing magic I could say to my son. But I listened. I told him that I understood. I knew how he felt because I had been there so many times before. We talked for nearly an hour. By this time, I could feel that the emotionally energy in him had subsided. He thanked me for simply allowing him to vent. Around 11:30 now, he went to sleep much more peacefully.

If this had been one of his weekend’s to spend with dad, I would not have been there to help release that emotional energy. I didn’t do anything amazing or spectacular. I was just there for him, that’s all.

So when someone says that it is their choice to stay, for now, don’t judge them. If you are in that position struggling to decide what to do, my best advice is listen to your heart. Quiet your mind. It will run in circles forever. Simply tell it to take a break. Then you can listen to your heart. Let your heart guide you. If someone questions you, that doesn’t matter. Only you know…..deep inside.

Narcissists: Is it okay to love them and still walk away?

Is it okay to love them and still walk away?

Absolutely YES!!!

I hear so many people questioning themselves about walking away from abusive relationships. If this is you, please read on.

First let me say, I fully recognize that narcissists and abusive partners can definitely be male or female. For the ease of writing and reading, I am using the “he” pronouns here. Please substitute “she” if your situation calls for that.

Does the following sound familiar to you? You are in a relationship of some sort, marriage or otherwise. Something in your relationship just isn’t right. Maybe you are having a hard time putting your finger on exactly what that is or maybe you have already identified the problems. You don’t like the way your partner treats you. His (or her) words are harsh and uncaring. Maybe he blames you for everything and refuses to take any personal responsibility for his own actions. Maybe he even hits you from time to time.

Yet for some strange reason, you are still in this abusive relationship. Why haven’t you left?? Your friends and family may be asking you that. “Leave,” they tell you. “Just walk away.” To them, it often seems like such a simple decision. You find it surprisingly difficult to explain to them why you haven’t left.

Perhaps you even get resolved in your heart to leave, and once again, that manipulative, crazy-making partner of yours turns all sweet and romantic. He makes himself vulnerable and loving. You may find yourself feeling sorry for him, knowing the abuse in his own background. Clearly he is hurting inside, and you desperately want to care for him.

Making You Crazy

Then all the crazy questions start running through your exhausted mind:

• How can I hate him?

• Do I still love him?

• Why am I feeling this way towards him?

• Is he really that bad of a person?

• Am I just over-reacting?

• Maybe I can help him?

• Will he really change this time?

You start thinking to yourself, “Clearly I still have feelings for him. I still love him. Can I really just walk away? How can I leave him? Is it okay to love him and still walk away?”

The answer is ABSOLUTELY, YES!!

Compassionate Love vs. Romantic Love

There is a huge difference between compassionate love and romantic love. Having compassion for someone does not mean you want to have an intimate relationship with them or spend the rest of your life with them.

Compassionate Love Says:

• I care about you.

• I want you to be happy.

• I wish the best for you.

• I am willing to help you if I can.

• I am sorry that you are hurting.

• I don’t expect anything in return when I show compassion to you.

Romantic Love Says:

• I wake up everyday wanting to spend time with you.

• It feels great to spend time with you.

• You make me feel so happy to be me.

• I enjoy watching you being you.

• I wish the best for you and feel that you wish the best for me too.

• The genuine connection we have goes both ways.

• There is natural give and take as we both have needs and love.

• I know you are there for me when I am hurting and your support feels great.

• You allow me to be there for you when you are hurting.

• We have each other’s backs.

• Though we may have bumps along the way, our relationship is natural and easy.

Don't Confuse Them

Don’t mistake the compassion you feel for a narcissist in your life for romantic love. If you are here reading this, then you are already feeling that something is wrong in your relationship. Listen to your heart. It knows that there is a problem long before the mind does.

Romantic love blossoms when two people can connect with each other with genuineness and mutual compassion. It flourishes when two people can trust each other to the point of being able to lay your heart open for each other and be vulnerable.

When you don’t have that level of trust with each other, then romantic love is forced. You say you have it, but deep in your heart you know that something is missing, that something is wrong.

Powerful Revelation

I recently had a powerful revelation. I don’t have to hate him in order to walk away!!

This was so eye-opening for me, so freeing. He has hurt me so badly over 20 years, and yet I still don’t want to hate him. But I also don't have to wait until I do hate him to justify walking away. I can choose that this is not the relationship for me, that I don't want to feel this way anymore.

I do hope that someday he can get the help he needs, but I no longer feel that I have to wait around until it happens. I don’t have to be the one to find the answers for him. He won’t listen to me anyways. Just because I do wish him the best does not mean that I have to stick around and keep taking all the abuse. We are never going to get to a point of genuine connection and reconciliation.

It is okay to care about him and yet to simply walk away.

How to Turn the Table on a Narcissist

How to Turn the Table on a Narcissist

One extremely effective tactic for when you are forced to communicate with a narcissist in your life.

Narcissists absolutely hate for the other person to be right. Especially if that person is a spouse, significant other, parent or child.

They will disagree with you simply for the sake of disagreeing. Their immediate reaction to most of what you say is to tell you that you are wrong. Then they will explain their own point of view, saying the exact same thing you did. If you try to tell them that is the same as what you said, they will adamantly deny that and explain their point of view all over again. They will put words in your mouth, saying, “No, you said….” Those words will often not be anything like what you said. If you confront them on this, they often have a standard cop-out, “Well, I don’t remember exactly word for word, but it was something like that.” Their insistence of explaining how they were right and your were wrong is never-ending. You will go in infinite circles around and around. You will get absolutely nowhere!

When a narcissist does occasionally find themselves in a place where the other person is right, they absolutely will not admit it. They cannot simply say, “Hey, you are right” or “I never thought of it like that.” They may actually get to a point that they admit you are right, but only in a back-handed way. They will make it very clear that what you are saying is stuff they already knew. Their knowledge must be greater, faster and stronger. You will hear things such as,

• “I know! I had that thought a week ago. Glad you caught up.”

• “You’re right, you must have been listening to me.”

• “I knew that was the case.”

• “I already know that, and I’ll take it a step further….”

A simple “Hey, you have a good point there,” is not within their capabilities. It threatens their ego too much. For that tiny instant, they would feel inferior to you. To admit that you are right means, internally, they have to admit that they were wrong. There simply is no in-between ground. Don’t forget, for them, this isn’t conversation. It’s combat! Every interaction has a winner and a loser, and they must be the winner, no matter how insignificant the conversation really is.

Use Their Own Game Against Them

So what do you do if you are in such a relationship and you can’t walk away, at least not yet? How do you avoid these combative interactions and their narcissistic rage?

One very effective tactic is to beat them at their own game. Anticipate their irrational reactions before they happen and call them out on it ahead of time. Use their own desire to always be right and to always prove you wrong against them.

Let me explain. Let’s say you know you have a tough conversation coming with your narcissist. Before the conversation even starts, simply say, “Now I know you are going to react hard to this, but I need to tell you…..” Then tell them. Their own burning desire to prove you wrong will keep their reaction in check. If they blow up now, then you will be right, and they CANNOT allow that to happen.

Some examples of these pre-emptive statements:

• I know you are not going to like this, but ……

• I know you are going to get mad, but …...

• I know this is going to set you off, but …….

As soon as the words “I know” come out of your mouth, their mind is already triggered to prove you wrong.

Yes this is a bit manipulative and purely intentional. But it is also a way of self-protection. Often, we still are caught in interactions with these narcissists. Maybe you have kids together and are co-parenting, otherwise known as counter parenting. Maybe you simply aren’t out of the relationship yet. Maybe it’s your parent, and you don’t want to completely cut ties. If you must keep interacting with them, then you should start finding ways to do it without losing your own mind.

Whatever the circumstances, use this tactic and watch them nearly bite their tongue in half just to prove you wrong! Enjoy it!

I Can’t Fix This!

My Shit-Sweeping Broom

So the first 10 years of our marriage were seen by him and the world as nearly perfect. We never fought and hardly ever disagreed. We were told repeatedly that we were such a wonderful fit and seemed so happy together.

Why? Because I was using a shit-sweeping broom that I didn’t even know I had. I didn’t realize that I was cleaning up after him, sweeping away the dirt he left behind.

He offended people right and left. I apologized for him. He sure never did.

He distanced himself from family members to play video games. I apologized for him, explaining that he doesn’t do crowds, that he just needs some alone time, that he will come back shortly.

He aggressively upset other drivers, flipping them off, honking, flashing his lights, yelling. I waved an apology with a shake of my head and a shrug of my shoulders.

He offended our friends, storming out of social volleyball games over minor disagreements. I apologized to them. He’s just tired, next week will be better.

He verbally abused our children, emotionally attacking them, often for things they didn’t even do. I apologized to the kids. I explained to them that he had a bad day, a rough childhood, no siblings. Or he was tired or not feeling well. I smoothed things over with them and then laughed and played with them, quickly moving on.

He emotionally attacked me for small, minor things. I explained to myself that he had a rough childhood and didn’t really mean it.

A Match Made in Heaven? I Don't Think So!

So in his eyes, our early marriage was a match made in heaven. Not so in my eyes. I cried myself to sleep many nights, thinking, “I’ll never bring that subject up again….ever!” . I carried horrible pits in the bottom of my stomach, wondering when his next explosive reaction would be. I cringed at the slightest disagreement or the smallest hint of anything that would offend him.

So how did I spend my time? Working overtime to keep him happy, to shield him from anything that would upset him, to make sure he felt good about himself and life.

So YES, he thought this was great! Who wouldn’t? He had someone who commited all of her time to making him happy, to baby-sitting his feelings, and to smoothing over all his relationship boo-boo’s. It was a great deal for him. He gets to act like an ass and have someone to sweep up after him all the time.

All My Fault

I even reached the point that everything he did wrong was my fault.

It was my fault he was addicted to gaming. I should have fussed at him more for being on the electronics.

It was my fault he got mad at the other driver. I should have warned him and calmed him before they cut him off. Or I should have been the one driving.

It was my fault he stormed out of the volleyball game. I should have called that shot, telling everyone whether it was in or out, playing the peacemaker that I am.

It was my fault he abused our kids. I should have kept our children quieter around him, making sure they were only peaceful and happy in his presence.

It was my fault that he is being an ass. I should have anticipated all these little offenses and stopped them before they reached him or before he started to react.

This way of living is simply not sustainable. It is exhausting and takes a horrible toll on your life, your energy, your health, everything.

Our 10th Wedding Anniversary

On the night of our 10th wedding anniversary, we went to a Taekwondo sparring class. As a family, we were training in martial arts. Due to busy schedules, we often would celebrate birthdays, anniversaries and other such days on a different night. We were red belts and approaching out next promotion. So we decided we would attend class that night and celebrate our anniversary over the weekend.

At class, my husband was sparring with one of our older Black Belt men. This man punched him in the side of the helmet, harder than my husband clearly wanted to be punched. My husband stormed off, throwing his helmet to the ground. The Black Belt was walking quickly behind him saying, “Hey, I’m sorry. Are you okay?” My husband never turned around, never acknowledged him, and never spoke. He went to the back room, changed his clothes and left.

Now, let me briefly explain a few things about Taekwondo. First, you are going to get punched and kicked. Sometimes it might be a little hard and hurt a bit. That’s part of the training and how you develop your own toughness and skills. Second, respect is a huge part of the training. We are taught to respect each other, no matter what the rank. Add to that, though, the rank of Black Belt holds a position of tremendous respect. Finally, along with that respect, you NEVER just walk off the floor without the permission of the head instructor, much less actually leave the building. What he did was not okay in so many ways. And I will say, if one of our boys had behaved like that, he would have climbed all over them!

I really did not want to come home that night. The pit in my stomach was gigantic! After classed dismissed, I changed in the locker room. The head instructor was waiting for me by the door. I knew I had to say something to him. I still remember the words coming out of my mouth, “I’m sorry for his behavior, Sir.” He simply said, “What he did was not okay.” “Yes sir. I know,” I responded. He then, compassionately, asked me, “Is everything okay? Are you okay?”

I knew the answer to that was no. I knew that I was in a mess of a marriage. But still not willing to face it, I told him that we were fine and that everything would be okay. He smiled and nodded, but I sensed that he saw right through me.

When I got home, I found my husband upstairs in our loft. He was sitting in the dark, crying. He told me how upset he was that no one cared about his feelings. It was all about his feelings and how “badly” everyone had treated him, all of which were perceived slights and not reality. Not only was there no apology for his behavior, the thought of an apology never even crossed his mind.

Though I still didn’t know the extent of what was to come, I now knew that we had a real problem here. I realized that I was apologizing for his rudeness, again and again. How was all of this possibly my fault? How was it all my job to fix and to clean up the messes? Why wasn’t he taking any of that responsibility?

It was still another 6 years before I actually heard the word narcissism. By this time, I had become a true expert at taking the responsibility for his behavior. My shit-sweeping skills were nearly perfect. The better I got at it, the more I felt it was my duty. After all, if I was the healthy one in the relationship, then I had to be the one to fix everything. He sure wasn’t going to do it.

I Can Fix Anything.....Except This

Up to this point in my life, I had the mindset that I could fix anything. For 45 years of life, there wasn’t hardly anything I couldn’t do. If I put my mind to it, it would get done. I know some of you, and perhaps a lot of you, can relate to this.

I remember the night, New Year’s Eve 2015. My family had all gone to bed. I was up, thinking about life and feeling very overwhelmed. Dreading spending yet another year this way. Then it hit me, “I can’t fix this!” I fell to the floor, buried my face in my hands, and sobbed. “God, I can’t fix this!” I repeated over and over.

This was extremely difficult to accept but a very necessary moment in my journey. As long as I was still trying to “fix” this, then I was still making it all my responsibility and my fault. It seemed like a defeated statement to say, “I can’t fix this.” But rather than feeling defeated, I felt liberated. For the first time in my marriage, I was releasing myself from this gigantic burden, the burden of carrying him.

If you are carrying all the blame for your narcissistic partner, then say it out loud, right now, “I can’t fix this!” Listen to your own words. Find your own path to this powerful realization. You can’t fix them. You can’t fix the relationship. You can’t cover all their faults. And it isn’t your job!

Narcissists and Emotions

Narcissists seem to have absolutely no emotional intelligence, inside themselves or with the world around them. The general consensus is that they have no understanding of basic human emotion, especially other people’s emotions. They continuously stomp all over your feelings and don’t show an ounce of care about it. They can talk harshly and callously one minute and be confused as to why you don’t want to make love with them the very next minute. Even when you try to explain it to them, they seem completely incapable of connecting the dots. In fact, just trying to talk with them about it can quickly start you on a never-ending downward spiral of verbal abuse. And again, the next day, it all just disappears, as though it never even happened.

My own teenage son once said to me, “Dad only has two states of emotion, anger or zombie. It’s all I ever see on him.” Genuine happiness, healthy pride in his sons, peaceful conversation with a glass of wine on the patio, these are non-existent. Other emotions that never show up are remorse, regret, compassion, joy, and many more.

I recently watched a video that was extremely helpful to me. It is a youtube video by the Little Shaman titled Stop Explaining to the Narcissist. She explains that the narcissists actually see the world through their own emotions. It just happens to be though that those emotions are generally quite negative and out of control. The narcissist views their own emotions as fact and completely reliable. So if they are feeling negative, which is most of the time, they will see whatever you are doing as negative. If you offer to wash their car, they will find a reason not to trust that. It must mean that you want something, because you can’t be doing it simply out of kindness.

Not only do they question your current actions and words, but those in the past too. An event from the past that might have been fine at the time can become yet another point of trouble in a heartbeat. I’ll give you a personal example. One year for our wedding anniversary, my husband took me to a beautiful restaurant. It was converted from an old farm building out in the country. It was gorgeous. I ordered duck, and that was fantastic! Conversation stayed positive, and we had a very enjoyable evening. We desperately needed some positive time together. I told him several times how much I enjoyed it. He also seemed light-hearted and happy, and I was very glad. I thought we had a great evening, and I genuinely thanked him.

A few days later, however, we were back in one of those circular conversations. You know, the ones where you find yourself defending everything you have ever done or said. He was on the attack over everything he could think of. To my surprise, he told me that I didn’t even appreciate the dinner he took me on the other night. “What are you talking about?” I asked. He responded, “You didn’t like the food, you didn’t like the conversation, you didn’t like the restaurant….you were just unhappy the whole time.” This was a shock to me. I really liked the restaurant and the food. I really appreciated that he kept conversation positive and upbeat. I so badly needed an enjoyable evening out with him.

When I watched this video by Little Shaman, this situation made sense to me now. In her words, “Events viewed through the lense of emotion are altered by the narcissist in order to fit the emotion. If they are angry at you, everything you do will be perceived negatively no matter what it is. Even things you did in the past that were okay at the time are now viewed through this lense and found to be evil. The narcissist’s “truth” changes with their emotions.”

My narcissistic husband was not remembering clearly how the evening had gone. He was only viewing it through his current negative emotions. Since right this minute he was angry and upset, then that evening must have been negative too. Everything can turn bad in the blink of an eye, leaving you rather perplexed and confused.

Most people realize that feelings are unreliable, unpredictable and fleeting. Our emotions shift around constantly and sometimes rather abruptly. The way we feel often does not make sense and is not based on thought or logic. Thus we do not rely fully on our feelings to view the world around us. This is not true with narcissists. They rely 100% on their feelings, and those feelings come from a lifetime of internal abuse and negativity. They believe these feelings and thus believe that all of the world is against them. They expect to be treated badly and will find it in every situation. Trying to rationally explain things to them is crazy-making. They are not interested in rational thinking and reality. They only care that their feelings have been hurt, no matter whether that is justified or not.

In essence, due to the enormous amount of internal negativity they carry, narcissists do not know how to feel loved and cared for. They do not know how to have a positive connection with someone. It does not matter whether it is you or someone else. They cannot have that kind of connection with anyone. They simply aren’t capable of it.

To watch the entire video by the Little Shaman, follow this link. It is well worth your time.

Learning Life Lessons as a Mother

Nothing in life has taught me more about myself than being a mom. It is the most challenging thing I have ever done. I have loved it and hated it, and both often at the same time. I used to say, “Moms get the worst fussing, but we get the best loving too.” And this was before I knew the word narcissism. I realized quickly that parenting was going to be difficult. I had no idea what was in store for me. Parenting with a covert narcissist is absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done!

Our precious little ones can become monsters around us, pushing all the wrong buttons at all the wrong times. But they can also brighten the darkest day with a snuggle and a smile at just the right moment. The little stinkers! They are impossible to figure out.

I recently came across a beautiful website about motherhood. It is www.thinkbaby.org. The founders and authors are Zoe Withers, Josephine Peterson, and Angela Jansen. This website is loaded with awesome information for mothers. While it may seem far removed from the narcissistic world I write about, one of Zoe’s articles really hit home with me. I want to share some of that insight here.

Zoe wrote an article called Important Lessons I’ve Learned as a Mother. Parenting can absolutely change your life, if you let it. What an amazing opportunity for personal growth in so many ways. Zoe mentioned three lessons she has learned as a mother. I want to take those three and apply them to myself as a mother parenting with a covert narcissist. Thank you Zoe for providing the inspiration for this article. I highly recommend you check out her blog for more great articles by her and her co-authors.

Patience, everything happens with time

Parenting does not happen overnight. Nor does becoming a good parent. Most people will agree that parenting requires patience. But they are usually referring to the patience needed to deal with the antics of a child. Patience when they dump their cereal all over the floor, for the 100th time. Patience when they wet their pants in the middle of a crowded grocery store. However patience with your child’s behaviors is not the only patience necessary.

Parenting also requires patience with yourself. Just because you became a parent does not mean for a moment that you know what you are doing. Even though your child may think you have all the answers, you don’t. They may look up to you like you are an absolute hero, but only you know how much you are blundering as you go.

Be patient with yourself. You will do plenty of things wrong. You will do plenty of things that you could have done better. You will say things that you wish you could take back. So be it! No one said you had to be perfect. In fact, setting yourself up as being perfect in your child’s eyes is quite damaging. It simply causes them to try to live up to an unreachable goal, potentially making them feel like a disappointment and failure to you. Let them know that you aren’t perfect. Apologize when you need to, to them and to yourself.

You will grow right along with them, if you let yourself. That growth is amazing. Be patient, and it will happen with time.

It’s More than Ok to Ask for Help

Parenting is hard, no shock there. Parenting with a narcissist is crazy impossible!! Drop the image that you’ve got all your stuff together. You don’t. Quit trying to play perfect to the world. Drop the image that you have it all under control. You aren’t fooling anyone, and that image is disastrous for you and especially for your kids.

In her fantastic book based on her own personal experience in life, author Alex Delon realized one day (in her words), “I’m holding myself together with barbed wire.” The picture it put in my mind and heart was so true to the life I was living. I was barely holding myself together, and the spikes of the barbed wire were digging deep. To find Alex’s book, Leaving You...for me, follow this link. I highly recommend the book.

If you are in a narcissistic marriage, then you know this painful place too. Your kids need you to be real. They desperately need a role model that shows that it is okay to be upset and frustrated AND that it is okay to ask for help. They need to know that you aren’t perfect. Reach out to a few friends for support. Tell them what is going on in your world. No, they can’t fix it, but they can be there for you to lean on. Trust me, that is extremely necessary!

Let your kids know that you have reached out for some allies. Tell them that you have told your friend or your family member. Let them know that they can talk with them too if they want. Encourage your kids to talk about their home environment with a few of their own friends. You might even talk with their best friend’s mother. Fill her in and let your child know that you did. Explain to your child that you all need allies who know what is going on and can help you if you need it.

When my boys told me that they had opened up to a few friends about what was going on in our home, I was thrilled. If they could talk with their closest friends about all this, that was a major accomplishment They were able to drop the image and to be vulnerable. If you really want to beat narcissism, this is a required step for everyone involved.

Strongly consider finding a therapist too. Find someone who is knowledgeable about narcissism. Straight up ask them what their experience is with it. It is best to find someone who has lived it firsthand. Any good therapist will allow you to ask some personal questions about their background. Don’t be afraid to ask.

Get your kids to visit that therapist too. My boys were hesitant to go at first. They thought I was telling them that they were crazy. So I disguised it a little. They both had already told me that they wanted me to divorce their dad. I told them that if I was going to do that, then I needed a counselor on my side. I needed that therapist to know what all was going on in our home. So I needed them to be completely honest with him. They both were, and they both greatly benefited. Of course, they later realized that the real reason for them to go was for them to work through their own anger. They caught me, but they were extremely grateful.

Savor every single moment, even the difficult ones

Life is made up of the moments. If you miss the single moments, then you miss life. There will be many incredibly difficult and painful moments. Your heart will viciously rip in half again and again. Let these painful times make you stronger. Feel the pain for what it is. It is not you being weak or overly emotional. It is not you just being dramatic or too sensitive, yet again. It is not something you should just get over. It is not a weakness.

These tough moments show a heart that cares, a heart that loves, a heart that beats. They reveal a soft and open heart wanting so desperately to take the pain away from the ones you love. This is you wanting to protect and to shield. It is you being real and genuine, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Don’t wait for some magical date in the future where you will finally be happy. Don’t wait for this or that to happen, such as when the kids are out of the house or when you finally file for divorce. I know you are in a tough spot. I get it. I have absolutely been there!

When my youngest boy was 14, we were in the thick of some very tough times in the home. Anger and negativity were running high. Yet I was talking to him, once again, about forgiveness and letting go of the anger. He assured me that he was working on it. I told him that I truly hoped so. He said, “Mom, I have to work on it now. If I say that I will wait til I move out of the house, then it will never actually happen. I have to learn to be happy now.”

He hit it on the head. If we tell ourselves that we will learn to be happy at some point in the future, then that point will never come. We will simply continue to put it off and push it away. The secret lies in finding peace now.

How do we do it? By living each single moment right now, both the good ones and the bad ones. Live each one, starting with the one that is right in front of you right now. Be as present as you can possibly be, every step of the way. Your kids need that, and so do you.

Parenting is quite a journey. It is extremely easy to get side-tracked and distracted from what is most important. You must remind yourself often to stay focused and on-task. The important things are the health of yourself and your kids. No matter how busy you get as a mom, and you will get crazy busy, have patience with faith, ask for help, and savor every single moment!

For more help with parenting under these adverse circumstances, I have written an ebook titled Parenting with a Covert Narcissist. This 26-page ebook contains crucial information for any parent who is struggling with the disastrous effects that covert narcissism is having on their own kids. It contains personal examples and suggestions for helping kids process their hurt and confused feelings. It will open  your heart to know that you are not alone and open your eyes to see ways to start recovering now. My boys and I are living proof that this horrible cycle can be stopped. If we can do it, so can you! Get the book here!