What Happens when a Narcissist Tries to “Fix” that Broken Relationship?

When does a relationship with a narcissist get worse? When that narcissist decides that they must “fix” the relationship. When they decide to “take charge” of making things right. This is a disaster!

What Does “Fix” the Relationship Mean to a Narcissist?

It means:

• They tell you all the things you have ever done wrong so that you can change.

• They tell you all the things that they have ever done right so that you can finally show appreciation.

• They tell you how they have poured so much effort into fixing things and you have done nothing.

• They tell you how great of a person they are and how bad of a person you are.

• They tell you why this is all your fault and your job to change and fix it.

• They make you feel worse and make them look better, you feel bad and they feel good.

• They use everything you say, everything you have said, and everything you have not said against you.

• They circle and deflect, keeping you in the wrong and them in the right, at all times.

• They barely acknowledge your feelings, if at all. But they are the first ones to tell you about how they feel.

When they say things like, “If we all just talk nicer to each other, then we could get along better,” they mean that everyone should talk nicer to them. They hide behind this statement and its deeper meaning. It means, “Everyone talk nicer to me.” They will still talk however they choose to talk. You can’t call them out on it because we all agreed that we would talk nicer, and that’s not being very nice.

Whey they say, “I feel disrespected and lonely,” they mean that you are not doing your job to make me feel good enough about myself. Problem is it isn’t possible for them to feel good about themselves. So no matter how much you do and how genuine your effort is, you will always fail in their eyes.

When They Come Looking for Validation and Compliments

Mine put me on the spot in one of “those” conversations. He asked me, “Can you give me one compliment? One thing you like about me?” This created a problem in me. All these different adjectives went through my head.

• Helpful? No

• Compassionate? No

• Patient? No

• Fun-loving? No

• Kind? No

• Easy to be around? No

• Fun to be around? No

• Easy to talk to? No

• A good father? No

• Happy? No

This list went on and on in my mind. I finally said to him that I was grateful for 2 things. I am extremely happy with the 2 boys that this marriage has given me. They are amazing boys, and i am very proud of them. The other thing is that I am grateful to him for providing for the family so that I could stay home and raise our boys. He responded, “So I am a paycheck to you? And you can’t even come up with one nice thing to say about me?”

I did feel a little bad about not being able to come up with something nice to say about him. So I gave it some more thought later. And even with some time to ponder, I still could not come up with positive and truthful compliments.

Instead the list was:

• Selfish

• Lazy and unmotivated

• Mean and rude

• Quick to anger

• Hard to be around

• Hard to talk to

• Angry

• Harsh and abrupt

They are Not the Relationship Guru

When someone with these characteristics tries to fix their broken relationship, it just doesn’t turn out so well. What I don’t understand is when they have all these negative traits and are missing so many positive ones, then why are we so quick to listen to them and believe them? I assure you that they are not the relationship guru. They do not have all the answers.

Oh….and by the way….when you step in and try to fix the relationship instead, the results are still about the same. They are going to rub your nose in all the things you ever did wrong.It doesn’t matter who starts the conversation, it will end the same way.

You may feel like you have to put effort into fixing the relationship. I understand that. I never tried so hard at anything in my life. I gave it everything I had. You will not find someone more determined than I was at fixing my broken marriage. So put in the effort, and see how it goes. Listen to their words and their attitude. It takes two to fix a broken marriage. If they are laying all the blame on you, then you are playing solo.As long as that is the case, this isn’t fixable.Simply walk away.

From Victim to Survivor to Victor

When you are dealing with a covert narcissist, it is so incredibly hard to see the abuse, especially at first. You may know that something is wrong in the relationship, but you are just as likely to blame yourself as you are to blame your partner. In fact, you are probably more likely to blame yourself. I think all of us begin in denial.

The Denial

“I’m not being abused. This doesn’t apply to my relationship. He’s just…… or she’s just…….” Fill in the blank. Tired, cranky, busy, angry, not feeling well, socially awkward, recovering from an abused childhood, and so on. How many years can these excuses go on? For me, it was 17 years. For others, I have heard as many as 45 years. Excuse after excuse after excuse. At some point, I started to realize that the “He’s just….” was not an excuse but rather a definition of who he was.

If I’m always making excuses for him because he is cranky that day, but it’s every day, at some point I have to realize that cranky is just who he is. That “recovering from an abused childhood” becomes an excuse and a crutch when it explains their bad behavior for years and years. He is never going to get better. He likes his crutches and hides behind them.

The Victim

So the fog started to clear from my mind. I felt like a beaten down puppy, living with a justified owner who could talk to me anyway he pleased without a care in the world. The denial went away, and I ran head first into the realization that I was a victim! It took one visit to a therapist to really get me to see it for myself.

“OH, $^*&^%*&^*&!!! What is really going on here?!?” This realization was incredibly painful! I thought he loved me. I committed my life to him. I thought we were teammates, facing the battles of life together.

As quickly as the clarity came, it would also disappear just as fast. One minute the abuse was clear in my mind. I could see it. I could explain it. But the next minute, it vanished into thin air. I couldn’t grasp it anymore. I couldn’t explain it. Instead I doubted myself and blamed myself, for the millionth time.

But I continued pondering, watching his attitude, listening to his words, observing my feelings and reactions. He was the reason that I felt beat down and insecure. He was the reason my anxiety level and exhaustion were so high. At this point, I found myself all over the board emotionally. I rotated between disbelief, resistance, despair, grief, denial, anger, even rage. This was the roller coaster from hell!

At this point, the need for external validation is incredibly strong! You have received practically no validation from your partner or anyone else up to now. Many victims, including myself, will desperately try to get their partner to see how they are treating them. You want them, so badly, to see the abuse they are dishing out for what it is. Maybe this is in hopes that they will change. Maybe it is because you want them, just once, to finally feel bad about it.

In this stage, anger is strong in the victim. They vent to anyone who will listen. The desire to expose the abuse is huge. Revenge is screaming at their heart. “Look at what they did to me! This isn’t right! It isn’t fair! Look how much it has hurt my children!” Daily, you gather more evidence and more examples of the abuse. You want to scream this from the rooftop!

A problem arises though, your friends and family don’t see it. They don’t understand what you are saying. They don’t agree that you have been abused. They tell you that you are over-reacting or being petty. This is incredibly painful!!! A harder hit than some of the abuse itself. Despair and self-doubt replace the anger.

What do I do now??

The Survivor

The second phase is that of the survivor. When does it hit? It hits when you run out of fuel in the victim phase, when you just have no energy left and can’t take it anymore. This is when you fully realize that they are never going to get it and you stop trying to explain it to them or change them.

Everyone stays in the first phase of being a victim for different lengths of time. How long you stay is based on various factors:

• Your own awareness of the abuse

• Length and intensity of the relationship

• If you have kids with them and the age of the kids

• How hooked you were by their love-bombing

• The extent of your own support group

• How secure or scared you feel about leaving

• How determined you are to change them

• Your willingness or unwillingness to accept that they will never get it and move on

• Your willingness to stand up for yourself

None of these things make you a bad person or the one responsible for the break-down of the relationship. They do however play a huge role in determining the amount of time you remain hooked in the narcissistic relationship. Some people run for their lives early in the relationship, maybe one year in and before marriage or kids. Others, however, remain for decades, as many as 40 or 50 years.

For me, the survivor phase hit when my energy tanked out. I had nothing left inside me. My fuel tank was empty, and I hit rock bottom. I no longer had any desire left to try to explain anything to him. I had tried so hard, and he combatted everything I said, all the time. I was done!

At this point, I realized that this was having a huge effect on my physical health and mental and emotional well-being. So survivor mode kicked in. It was time to quit trying to help him and instead to focus on helping myself. I became completely indifferent to him. I no longer cared what he thought or said. I no longer reacted to his attempts at baiting me. I no longer wanted revenge, as this just kept me trapped in his web. I just wanted out. I later discovered that this is called going Grey Rock. I didn’t know it had a name until much later. For more on grey rock, read my recent post When I told my Covert Narcissist that I was Done

One other gigantic step to move from victim to survivor is to quit gathering evidence of the abuse! This is extremely necessary. Yes, in the beginning, you need to gather the evidence. You need to prove to yourself that you aren’t crazy and that he/she is abusing you. You need to get clarity in why you feel the way you do. But at some point, in order to move forward in your own healing, you have to stop gathering evidence. You need to trust what you have learned and close your case. You must be able to say, “Now, the prosecution rests.”

The realization that they are never going to get it is a tough one, but also a very freeing one. You no longer feel responsible to be the one to show them. It wasn’t my job anymore. I can’t change him, but I can change me. So I started taking steps toward moving one. Everyday I simply did the next right thing, whatever that was. Sometimes they were small things and sometimes they were huge things.

It is easy to get stuck in the victim phase. Move on!! You have much better ways to spend your time and energy. You have other things to think about and do. You have other people that need you in their life. Your thoughts and feelings do matter in this world. They don’t matter to your narcissist. So staying in the victim role, still battling with him/her, will keep you feeling like you don’t matter. You will continue to desperately try to prove that you do. There is life outside of narcissism. Start taking care of you and your family because you deserve it.

The Victor

The Victor phase is amazing!! This is a phase of empowerment and growth. You have truly moved on in life and no longer think about this narcissist thing.

How do you know when you have reached this phase?

• When you no longer wake up every morning with him/her on your mind.

• When the constant internal arguments are gone.

• When you all of a sudden realize that you haven’t thought about him/her in a long time.

• When you realize that you carry positive energy for a change.

Please know that it is impossible to get entirely to the phase of victor if you cannot get him/her completely out of your head. If you are still seeking revenge, you won’t get there. If you are still holding on to the anger, you won’t get there. If you are still checking their social media, you won’t get there. Unfortunately, if you are still raising kids together, you won’t get there….not entirely….not yet.

If you are not quite to this phase yet and want to be, you might ask yourself these questions.

• What would I be thinking about if I wasn’t thinking about him/her and all this narcissistic garbage?

• What would I be doing with my day if he/she had never been a part of it?

• What would I be researching on the internet if I wasn’t googling narcissism, emotional abuse, unhappy marriage, etc?

Find a few things in life that you really enjoy, things that make you feel happy and satisfied. Think about these things. Ponder them and explore them. Learn more about them. Make them a hobby and use them to begin to occupy that time you are trying to fill with other things. Learn about the resources out there. Find others who share this interest. What kind of things? you might ask. I don’t know where to start. Here are a few suggestions: dancing, nature, reading, music, sports, cultural history, photography, a new language. There are so many wonderful options out there.

In this process, pay close attention to your thoughts. They will try to wonder back to all the garbage of your past, especially at first. Don’t sweat that too much. It is that way for everyone. Just be aware of it and purposefully shift your thoughts back to your new positive things to ponder. There are a ton a great resources out there on mindfulness. To get started, check out my Resources page. Give yourself permission to move on and enjoy life once again.

There is life after narcissism!!

When I Told my Covert Narcissist that I was Done

You can read in my last blog post what lead up to the actual decision to file for divorce. The emotional energy in the house had reached an all-time high. This family was about to explode! I was about to explode!

I told my family that I was ready to tell him that I am truly done. It is time to file for divorce. I waited until the weekend, so we had more time to talk. Everyone was nervous about how he would react. Would he explode in a rage? Would he turn violent? Would he meltdown with crocodile tears? I didn’t know, but I had reached a point that I didn’t care anymore.

So on Saturday afternoon, September 8, 2018, I told him. I said that I want out of the marriage and that it was time. I don’t want to try any longer to fix this. I don’t have the energy to pour into it anymore. I’m exhausted and done. I told him that I was sorry, that this was not what I had planned when we married 20 years ago.

Grey Rock

Now you want to know what grey rock is? It is the art of not reacting to them. Read on.

Then I waited for his response. Tears started forming in his eyes, tears that I haven’t seen through almost our entire marriage. He calmly said to me, “I have to admit that I am not surprised.” He went to say that he hated this and really doesn’t understand how we ended up here. He cried actual tears, saying, “I’m going to miss your family so much.” My family??? Really?? The family that when we spend time together, he hides in a corner to play games on his phone or sleep on the couch. He’s going to miss my family?? But I did not react, grey rock.

So he changed his approach. He cried more tears saying how much he will miss this house. Really?? The house that he has been trying to get us to move out of, almost since the day we moved in. A year or so ago, he finally talked me into considering building a brand new home together. We had chosen a lot, a floor plan, and even started selecting the decor, when he backed out. He isn’t going to miss this house! But I did not react, grey rock.

I didn’t give any attention to his tears. I simply sat there, boring, with no reaction. So he moved on. Now he calmly told me that he thinks I am a very angry person. He said that he thinks I don’t realize how angry I am and that it is on a subconscious level. Really?? Me? The one he has repeatedly told is the single best person he has ever met. Again, I did not react, grey rock.

So he shifted once more. He told me how he thinks that he has done nothing but show support and love to this family. He stated that he has supported us in all our endeavors. He talked about how he has gone to all of our Taekwondo tournaments. You mean the ones where you sat in the corner on your phone and even slept in the corner of the gym? Once more, I did not react, grey rock.

So now he wanted to be Mr. Nice Guy. He told me that the one thing his parents did right was that they divorced peacefully. He said that he wants to do that too. He wanted to know if we could work through one attorney and make all the financial decisions ourselves. I told him that I was fine with that, for the most part. I told him that his financial knowledge is far greater than mine and that makes me nervous. I do want to hire an attorney for me, so I have someone to run questions by. He asked for one week to process all this before I filed. Very reluctantly and after some persistence from him, I agreed.

The conversation ended there, and I left the house to run some errands. There is a ton of power in not reacting to them. That has taken me years to fully learn, but it definitely worked that day.

When I returned a few hours later, I offered to make some dinner. He said, “No thanks, I don’t think I could eat.” “Ok,” I said, “suit yourself.” I was starving for the first time in over two weeks. I fixed a great dinner for my son and me, and I chowed down.

Here we go again

Two days later, he wanted to talk. He asked me to tell him again why I am so unhappy with him. I said no, that I was not going to try to explain it anymore. He said that he firmly believes if he could just understand what it is that he needs to do or not do that he would fix this. After he kept pushing, knowing that I shouldn’t, I finally tried again. I said, “I strongly feel that you do not communicate with compassion. You do not recognize how much you hurt other people's feelings. When we try to express to you how you have hurt our feelings, you barely acknowledge that. You don't apologize and you then tell us that everything is our fault. These are the same words that I have been saying to you for years.” And what happened? You already know. We looped right back into one of those circular conversations from hell.

He said, “I see pain in you and the boys that I somehow caused.” He went on to explain that he has done nothing but try to make us feel safe and loved. I said, “I truly wish you understood. I wish you could see it. We could have had such a beautiful marriage together.”

I told him that I am emotionally exhausted and empty, that I reached a point that I just quit trying. That doesn't make me right or completely wrong, just exhausted. He then shot at me, “I think you gave up much sooner than you think you did.” With instant tears in my eyes, I fired back, “Don't you dare say that!” He immediately apologized saying, “I'm sorry, I'm not supposed to go there,” in his pompous way.

I said several times, “We aren't even close. I think I have tried so hard to help and explain. You don't even think I've tried. And vice versa.”

I told him, once again, that he doesn't ever apologize. He couldn't believe that I felt this way. He said that he thinks he is quick to apologize when he is wrong. (Maybe that's it. He just believes that he is never wrong) He asked for an example. I told him about once when I was talking to him about spending too much time on his games and electronics. Instead of apologizing or validating my feelings in any way, he said, “Well, you lay on the couch and stretch.” I said, “I didn't even know how to respond to that.” He said, “I don't remember that. If that is what I said, then I am sorry. That was a poor response, but it doesn't sound like me. That's not the sort of thing I would say.” That’s exactly the sort of thing that he would say!

I knew better than to get back into this loop with him. But I guess I decided that I would give it one last effort. Unlike my past, the circular conversations from hell no longer churn my stomach and send my head in a downward spiral. I walked away, ate a healthy dinner and slept great.

Round 3,784

The night before I filed for divorce, he asked if we could talk. Here we go again! How many circular conversations have I lived through?? Who knows?

He started by telling me that he doesn’t want to interfere with my plans, that when I ready to file for divorce I should. I simply said, “Ok.” Then he went on to tell me that he can’t believe that our marriage is going to end at 20 years when his dad made it to 23 years. He can’t believe that he is worse than his dad. He actually said this. I could not believe my ears. I responded, “This isn’t a competition! Please don’t compare us to them.” He said, “I know it isn’t, and I’m not comparing. But if we had just made it 23 years and 6 months, then I could say that I am better than my dad.” WHAT!!!

He said that he is reading the book, After the Tears, again. It is a book for Adult Children of Alcoholics. He has read it before. He said that this time he is thinking about him instead of about how to fix me. In the past, when he read it, he was applying it to me, but not this time. He went on to say that he thinks that part of our problem is that I read books trying to fix him, instead of me. I started to tell him about all the many books I have read for becoming a better person. He interrupted me, saying, “I don't want you to think that I haven't read many books or listened to tapes for how to make myself a better person.” I didn’t respond. Then he hesitated, like he had caught himself, and said, “Oh, I'm trying not to get defensive here.”

He told me that he doesn’t know how to have fun anymore. He said that both his parents gave him money for Christmas with the instructions to spend it doing something fun. This is September. He still has the money in his wallet because he can’t find a way to spend it.

He said, “I'm realizing that I might be the problem here. My eyes are opening to this. If you were the only one telling me, then I could still say it is you. But now the boys are telling me. I see that I blame things on everyone else. I see my reactions to things and realize that I haven’t let go of the past as much as I thought. I thought I had worked through my issues from childhood, but I think maybe I haven’t. I’m reading this book and realizing that a lot of what it says are things that you have been saying to me for years.

I want to go to counseling and get help. I think when I went to the counselor with you, it was like when I went as a teenager. I thought I had everything fixed already and didn’t need him. After I get help, then maybe we can do marriage counseling to fix our communication issues.”

Even with all that he said, there was still no apology! Never once did he simply look at me and say, “I’m sorry.”

So I filed for divorce the next day. I felt so at peace. I know this is the right time.

Round…..? Who knows? I lost count years ago!

A couple of days later, he came and sat down at the table while I was eating dinner. Once again he sat there, pensively, in silence. He holds such an uncomfortable place of silence, clearly wanting to say something. He holds you there, trapped like a prisoner. Finally he spoke up, “I've been trying to figure out how we got to where we are.” He says this 3 days after telling me that he recognizes the problems in him. He now goes on to say, “You don’t ever seem to think that I apology, and I think that I am quick to apologize. So I went to the library and got a book about apologizing. You know, apologies common in  different shapes and sizes. I believe that I am quick to apologize. I think the problem we are having is step two in this book, that you don’t accept my apologies. I think that is the piece that is missing. So I'm sorry. Now do you accept my apology?” Does he really think that clears everything up?

I looked him straight in the face and said, “Honey, I forgive you.” I then explained that this isn't going to change anything because this is far more complicated than the issue of apologizing. When I said a lot of this goes back to the issue of communication, he said if that is the case, then I'm going to go back to saying that we need to go together to a marriage counselor.

Everything he said 3 days ago has gone right out the window. He didn’t believe any of those words about his responsibility in this. He used to tell the boys often, “I know that you're just sitting there trying to figure out what to say to get me to shut up.” That was simply projection, because that is exactly what he does. He is just trying to figure out what to say to get me to shut up and not go through with divorce. Nothing comes from the heart, and nothing has any meaning. These conversations might cause many people confusion inside themselves. For me, they brought clarity. This is the right direction! I’m done!

A New Direction

Many of the conversations that came after filing for divorce were the most honest and productive conversations we have had in years. As the attempts at “fixing” our marriage went away, things were so much calmer. He was far more cooperative and peaceful than I expected. Yes, he would still take shots, making sure that I knew this was all my fault. But I have become extremely skillful at not reacting!

He quit pushing on our youngest son. He started working on a plan for my son and me to stay in the house. He wants us to keep the pets with us and have a place for our oldest to stay when he comes home from college. He is trying to balance the finances between us in a way that is fair. When I proposed an alimony amount, he offered to pay more. He is open to me asking questions about it and isn’t making me feel stupid or uncomfortable. He seems to really want what is best for me and the boys.

Confusing?? Not really. This is the man that I fell in love with, the one I married. I haven’t seen him in years. It is refreshing to know that there is something there that was valid and promising. I didn’t marry the “monster” that I ended up living with for 2 decades.

Do I want to take him back? Hell no! While it is refreshing to see all this, it does not make me want to take him back. I can’t. He is simply too painful to live with. He has a project now, a mission, to make this divorce work. He is good at projects. But he is simply not capable of caring for the emotional needs of another person. I can never go back!

When you decide that you are done, be done. They will try every approach they know to convince you to stay. Don’t react. Remember all the frustrations, all the tears, all the harsh words, all the blame. A well-written speech does not erase all of that or fix them for the future. If you are having trouble holding your ground about leaving, start journaling. Write down the things you can remember about how you have been treated and about how your kids have been treated. Anytime you start to question, go back and read your own words.This should erase any doubt you have. When you are done, be done. Anything short of this means you aren’t really done!

How did I know it was time to file for divorce?

I am in a 20 year marriage, and divorce has been coming for a long time. For a few years now, my friends and family have been asking me when I am actually going to file. My answer has always been, “I don’t know, but I am confident that I will know when it is time.” Every day it just didn’t feel right yet. That was okay, because every day I did the next right thing to get me closer to ready. These steps ranged from packing up some sentimental family items that I didn’t want to fight over to taking one of the boys to our trusted and amazing counselor. It included documenting things that had happened that week and even talking with his mom about what was going on. One step at a time, I put things in place, not only for the impending divorce but also for the necessary healing for me and our boys.

My Heart Knew

About 3 weeks ago, the emotional tension in our house hit an all time high. As most of my readers know, we have 2 boys together in this marriage. In August this year, our oldest son went off to college. I was concerned about this change in our household dynamics. As I feared, our youngest son became the new target for my husband. For whatever reason, my husband decided that he now needed to “fix” his relationship with our youngest son. What this means in reality is that our youngest son needs to put more effort into the relationship and make his dad feel better about himself. The conversations that this brings are extremely painful to the victim. You get told that you are to blame for everything and that all the things you have ever done are wrong. Everything you say gets turned around and used against you. You feel absolutely not good enough, completely empty, and painfully worthless.

These conversations were starting to happen on a daily basis. I watched our youngest son as he more and more distanced himself from the world. A wall was going up around his heart and anger was winning. Absolutely not!! Not to my son! Maybe it was time??

I have known for several years that divorce was coming. I have poured EVERY ounce of energy I had into helping this marriage, into trying to connect with my husband on a deeper emotional level in hopes that we could draw closer. I have exhausted every resource I had, plus created some of my own. I reached out to everyone that I thought could help him and us. Nothing ever changed! My hopes have been crushed so many times that I feel like roadkill on the side of the highway. My fuel tank is completely dry.

Then that day came. The first day ever that I felt like the next step was actually to file for divorce. I couldn’t believe it. I always had said that I would know, and somehow now I knew. This was a day that I had been waiting for for years. How did I know? I just knew.

My Body Knew

As this realization came to me, I became aware that even my body had known. You see, about a month earlier, I ran a fever for almost a week. There was no apparent reason. I wasn’t actually sick. I didn’t have a cold or a bug. Each day, I woke up feeling okay, but by the afternoon I had a fever of 102. I drank a ton, took my vitamins and essential oils, slept extra, even took a couple days off work. But nothing was helping. Realizing that I wasn’t going to beat this, I finally went to the doctor. After checking me over, she said, “I’m not sure what this is, but I think you have some type of infection.” She could not figure out why I was running the fever but wanted to put me on antibiotics. The antibiotics immediately took care of it. I finished them out and didn’t think anymore of it.

However over the next few weeks, there were many times that I felt that fever was coming back. The back of my neck and inside of my head felt incredibly hot. I wondered if it was hot flashes. I am approaching that age and have never had those yet. But this feeling of a fever lasted for half a day. I checked my temp often, but it came back normal every time. On the inside, I felt like my blood was boiling. I could feel that fever burning hot. I asked one of my friends multiple times if I felt hot to her. Each time she said no. When I had asked her on repeated days, she finally asked me what was going on. I told her that the fever was back but only on the inside. I really felt like something was starting to be very wrong with my body.

I think I had finally reached a point that my body could not take the stress level anymore. It was reacting and trying to get my attention. If this continued, I believe I really would have paid a high price.

I Listened

So how did I know it was time? I listened to my heart, and I listened to my body. When I went to actually sign the divorce papers, I thought that I might be rather emotional. I really wasn't sure how I would react in that moment. As it turns out, I was not emotional at all. When the time came to sign, my hands were shaky, and my heart was pounding. But I was overwhelmed with a feeling of peace and a sense of relief. I knew it was time!

So where are you on this journey? Are you still fighting for your marriage? For your life? For your kids? I get it. I fought long and hard. Are you counting your days until you can get out? Is divorce hanging over your head?

No matter where you are on that journey, you are not alone! I am so sorry for where you find yourself. It is not a path that you planned or ever imagined would come your way. This is not what you signed up for. It isn’t what you wanted for yourself or your kids. Please continue to reach out for help. Find your support group. There are many out there who have traveled this road ahead of you. There is life after narcissism! Take it one step at a time. Brighter days are ahead for you!

Coming soon is my next post which is how he reacted to my filing for divorce. We are in the whole process now. I have lots to learn, but am still taking it one single step at a time.

Why do narcissists give only misery?

They seem to have the best of intentions. They say they love you. They say they want what is best for you. They say they want peace and happiness with you. Yet, everyone is miserable. Why??

You can only really give that which you have. If all you have inside is misery, then that is really all you can give to others. If you have jealousy, then you give jealousy. If you have anger, then you give anger. Sure you may be able to give glimpses of happiness when you do a favor for someone, but it isn’t sustainable.

If you have joy on the inside, then you give joy. If you have compassion, then you give compassion. If you have peace, then you give peace. Sure, even these people give glimpses of anger and crankiness, but it isn’t sustainable.

A miserable person may truly wish to help others on a deep level. This isn’t a question of good intentions. They may honestly WANT to make other people’s lives better and to serve others. The desire is there and real. They can serve the poor, help the sick, volunteer in hospitals and schools. They can even try to help their children and spouse. They can do chores around the house and do favors for their family. They can try to talk, counsel and give guidance. While some of these “things” may be useful to those around them, it will be shallow and short-lived. A miserable person cannot give genuine compassion to others. They can only give misery.

Again, I’m not saying that they don’t want to give compassion, that they don’t want to help. Some of them truly do. They are simply incapable of it. Many parents want to help their children, but instead are destroying them. Their parents destroyed them with their own misery and now they are destroying their own children with it. Thus misery continues, and the cycle continues.

A miserable person can and often will try to hide their misery. They cover it and mask it. They can do such a great job of this that it stays hidden for decades. They can even go so far as to hide it from themselves quite successfully. But eventually, those closest to them start to recognize that something is wrong. They start to feel uncomfortable and guarded around this person. Often at the beginning, they do not even know why. What is happening is that they are feeling the misery.

In my early marriage, I thought I had found the most wonderful husband ever. He seemed perfect for me. He appeared to really care about me and the world around us. My family loved him, and I loved his family. I felt truly blessed to have found such a great match and thought that we would be incredibly successful together. We got married, and things were great for quite some time.

Yet as the years went by, I began to feel more and more uncomfortable around him. I couldn’t put my finger on why though. I thought it was me. Maybe I wasn’t being loving enough. Maybe I wasn’t be forgiving enough when he hurt my feelings. Maybe I wasn’t trying hard enough. I knew that marriage takes effort. I remember telling myself, “Every marriage has issues. No matter who my husband might be, we would still go through phases of this. So it’s okay, and I just need to keep loving him.”

So I tried harder. But this never got better. In fact, it kept growing. I began to feel miserable around him. I didn’t like the way he talked to me and our boys. He seemed so cold and harsh so often. Yet, he always told me that he loved me and the boys.

I talked with him one day about compassion. He told me that he is an extremely compassionate person. When I questioned this, he got quite adamant about it. He told me that if I am going to tell him that he is not a compassionate person then that was going to make him very unhappy. He was so convinced. So I started asking myself, “If he is such a compassionate person, then what is wrong here?” He clearly “wants” to be a compassionate person.

Years of researching and exploring has opened my eyes. People in healthy relationships don’t spend their time googling words like toxic relationships, narcissism, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and so on.

It is quite simple - miserable people create misery for those closest to them. I realized that my husband desired to create a loving and positive environment, but that he simply wasn’t capable of it. His internal environment was full of turmoil and misery.

If you are in a similar relationship, with a spouse, a parent, a family member, etc, you may be asking yourself, “Do I really believe that they don’t love me?” You may be convinced that they do love you and yet the relationship is full of pitfalls. No, you aren’t crazy! It is very possible that they truly want to love you. They are like the clown that WANTS to cheer everyone up, but just can’t ever get their themselves.

Does this mean you need to have compassion for them, help them and stay with them?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having compassion for them. In fact, I think that is a wonderful and beautiful thing. You have compassion because of your own beauty inside of you.

Should you help them? No, absolutely not. You can’t! They will not hear it from you, and you will go crazy trying. If they are ever going to get help, it cannot come from those closest to them.

Should you stay with them? NO! Their misery is strong and it runs deep in them. Just think about how long it has been there. You can wish them the best and sincerely hope that they get help somewhere, somehow. But that misery will rub off on you if you stay. It is okay to have compassion for them and still leave.

You don’t have to hate them in order to walk away. You can recognize that they want a healthy relationship, but they simply aren’t capable of it. Not only that, they are not able to do the intense work that it will take for them to get there. You don’t have to fix them or this relationship. No one ever said that you have to be their miracle worker!

Sometimes We Stay for Our Kids.....At Least For A While

I am right now at the point of making the single hardest decision I have ever made. Do I stay or do I leave? Do I file for divorce or do I keep putting it off?

This is NOT an easy decision. It is one I have faced before, but never like I do now. These last few days have put this question in front of me in a way like never before. For many of my friends, this seems like such an easy decision. They see the abuse, they see the anguish in me and in our boys, they know that we have suffered. “Just get out,” they say. I know they mean well, and it seems so straight forward to them. But it isn’t!!

Many of them have asked me why I have stayed as long as I have. I have one simple answer to that. For our boys. I know in some situations it seems the right choice to leave, but please understand that in some situations it seems the right choice to stay, at least for a while. So let me explain.

Sacrifices for Our Kids

I have two amazing boys. They are my world, and I would do anything for them. I could not bare the thought of them spending alone time with their narcissistic father. At times when I did have commitments, I realized that one evening alone with him consistently did so much damage to them. I repeatedly came home to so much tension and negative energy in the house that I just couldn’t stand it. It got to where I started canceling all the evening engagements that I could. I didn’t go out with my girlfriends, hardly ever. I had to work some in the evenings, but I would rush home as fast as I could each time.

I’ve heard horror stories of judges placing custody of the kids into the hands of the narcissistic parent. These parents are very capable of charming the courts and appearing quite stable and caring. The non-narcissistic parent, who by now has nearly lost their mind with all the head-spinning circular conversations and sheer exhaustion, can appear exasperated and unstable. There was just NO way that I was going to put the lives of my boys into the hands of a judge I did not know. A judge who does not know my husband and who could easily be snowed over.

Even if I gained full custody, I also knew that they would still have to spend time with him. Every other weekend, some holidays, even some of summer break. NO WAY!! Then I would not have been there to help them process all the negativity. I would not have been there to play buffer and step in the way of the line of fire.

Personal Example

I’ll give you a perfect example. Two years ago, our youngest was 14 years old. I knew that he and his dad had gotten into it over what tv show to watch. Our son wanted to watch MASH, but my husband wanted to watch Frasier. Rather than being able to peacefully work to a compromise, this became a heated issue, like many times before. My husband was harsh and demanding to his own son, who just wanted to watch a simple tv show with his family. How many dad’s out there would give money for their son to want to watch a show with the family? We ended up watching nothing, and our son went to his room to get on his phone instead.

My husband asked me if I thought he had done anything wrong here. He would often ask me, but then argue with anything I said. He didn’t ever want my opinion. He wants an audience so he can argue his point. This is just a “polite” and subtle way to get to that argument. I told him that I didn’t understand why he cared SO much about what show we watched. We have watched so many episodes of each of these, so what difference does it make? A lot of parents would just be thrilled that their teenage child even wants to watch a show with them at all. He responded, “So, I’m just supposed to let him win all the time?” Win? Who said anything about winning? This isn’t a competition. It’s just a show on tv. It was clear that my husband also didn’t care what show we actually watched. He only cared about who “wins” as the picker of the show.

He then decided to go upstairs and “fix” things with our son. This is the worst part!! His way of fixing things is to tell you everything you have ever done wrong. You find yourself defending anything you have ever said, thought or done. Even things you haven’t said, thought or done. It is a horrible place to be, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

For all of our children’s lives, I have tried to stop these horrible conversations. I call them circular conversations from hell. No matter what you say, he will throw everything back at you, making everything your fault. You can try to express your own thoughts and feelings. However, he will manipulate your words, twisting them around so much that you don’t even know what happened.

This particular night, after they had been in the room for quite awhile, I tried to interrupt this conversation. I came in and reminded our son that he had a math test the next day and that it was getting late. I looked at his dad and said, “He really should get to bed soon.” It was almost 10:00 at night. About 10 minutes later, my husband came out of our son’s room. As usual, he never said a word to me about what had happened or how things were. He got ready for bed, went to bed, and was sound asleep without a care in the world.

So I went to check on our son. I found our 14-year old son curled up in a ball on his closet floor. He was surrounded by his stuffed animals from childhood, crying and saying over and over, “I hate myself. I hate myself.” This image is forever implanted in my brain and makes me want to scream.

I simply held him for a while. I assured him that he was safe and fine. I asked what had happened, but he didn’t want to talk about it. I knew it was late, but he sure couldn’t go to sleep like this. I took him downstairs and outside to our back patio. We train in martial arts and have a hanging bag out there. I wrapped his hands and said, “Start pounding.” He attacked that workout bag for a hard 15 minutes with tears streaming down his cheeks. Then he plopped down in the chair beside me, huffing, and said, “Thanks, I needed that.”

Then we talked. I asked him if he wanted to tell me about the conversation with his dad. He did, so I listened. I didn’t have any great words of advice. His dad was playing the same manipulative games he always played. There was nothing magic I could say to my son. But I listened. I told him that I understood. I knew how he felt because I had been there so many times before. We talked for nearly an hour. By this time, I could feel that the emotionally energy in him had subsided. He thanked me for simply allowing him to vent. Around 11:30 now, he went to sleep much more peacefully.

If this had been one of his weekend’s to spend with dad, I would not have been there to help release that emotional energy. I didn’t do anything amazing or spectacular. I was just there for him, that’s all.

So when someone says that it is their choice to stay, for now, don’t judge them. If you are in that position struggling to decide what to do, my best advice is listen to your heart. Quiet your mind. It will run in circles forever. Simply tell it to take a break. Then you can listen to your heart. Let your heart guide you. If someone questions you, that doesn’t matter. Only you know…..deep inside.

Narcissists: Is it okay to love them and still walk away?

Is it okay to love them and still walk away?

Absolutely YES!!!

I hear so many people questioning themselves about walking away from abusive relationships. If this is you, please read on.

First let me say, I fully recognize that narcissists and abusive partners can definitely be male or female. For the ease of writing and reading, I am using the “he” pronouns here. Please substitute “she” if your situation calls for that.

Does the following sound familiar to you? You are in a relationship of some sort, marriage or otherwise. Something in your relationship just isn’t right. Maybe you are having a hard time putting your finger on exactly what that is or maybe you have already identified the problems. You don’t like the way your partner treats you. His (or her) words are harsh and uncaring. Maybe he blames you for everything and refuses to take any personal responsibility for his own actions. Maybe he even hits you from time to time.

Yet for some strange reason, you are still in this abusive relationship. Why haven’t you left?? Your friends and family may be asking you that. “Leave,” they tell you. “Just walk away.” To them, it often seems like such a simple decision. You find it surprisingly difficult to explain to them why you haven’t left.

Perhaps you even get resolved in your heart to leave, and once again, that manipulative, crazy-making partner of yours turns all sweet and romantic. He makes himself vulnerable and loving. You may find yourself feeling sorry for him, knowing the abuse in his own background. Clearly he is hurting inside, and you desperately want to care for him.

Making You Crazy

Then all the crazy questions start running through your exhausted mind:

• How can I hate him?

• Do I still love him?

• Why am I feeling this way towards him?

• Is he really that bad of a person?

• Am I just over-reacting?

• Maybe I can help him?

• Will he really change this time?

You start thinking to yourself, “Clearly I still have feelings for him. I still love him. Can I really just walk away? How can I leave him? Is it okay to love him and still walk away?”

The answer is ABSOLUTELY, YES!!

Compassionate Love vs. Romantic Love

There is a huge difference between compassionate love and romantic love. Having compassion for someone does not mean you want to have an intimate relationship with them or spend the rest of your life with them.

Compassionate Love Says:

• I care about you.

• I want you to be happy.

• I wish the best for you.

• I am willing to help you if I can.

• I am sorry that you are hurting.

• I don’t expect anything in return when I show compassion to you.

Romantic Love Says:

• I wake up everyday wanting to spend time with you.

• It feels great to spend time with you.

• You make me feel so happy to be me.

• I enjoy watching you being you.

• I wish the best for you and feel that you wish the best for me too.

• The genuine connection we have goes both ways.

• There is natural give and take as we both have needs and love.

• I know you are there for me when I am hurting and your support feels great.

• You allow me to be there for you when you are hurting.

• We have each other’s backs.

• Though we may have bumps along the way, our relationship is natural and easy.

Don't Confuse Them

Don’t mistake the compassion you feel for a narcissist in your life for romantic love. If you are here reading this, then you are already feeling that something is wrong in your relationship. Listen to your heart. It knows that there is a problem long before the mind does.

Romantic love blossoms when two people can connect with each other with genuineness and mutual compassion. It flourishes when two people can trust each other to the point of being able to lay your heart open for each other and be vulnerable.

When you don’t have that level of trust with each other, then romantic love is forced. You say you have it, but deep in your heart you know that something is missing, that something is wrong.

Powerful Revelation

I recently had a powerful revelation. I don’t have to hate him in order to walk away!!

This was so eye-opening for me, so freeing. He has hurt me so badly over 20 years, and yet I still don’t want to hate him. But I also don't have to wait until I do hate him to justify walking away. I can choose that this is not the relationship for me, that I don't want to feel this way anymore.

I do hope that someday he can get the help he needs, but I no longer feel that I have to wait around until it happens. I don’t have to be the one to find the answers for him. He won’t listen to me anyways. Just because I do wish him the best does not mean that I have to stick around and keep taking all the abuse. We are never going to get to a point of genuine connection and reconciliation.

It is okay to care about him and yet to simply walk away.

How to Turn the Table on a Narcissist

How to Turn the Table on a Narcissist

One extremely effective tactic for when you are forced to communicate with a narcissist in your life.

Narcissists absolutely hate for the other person to be right. Especially if that person is a spouse, significant other, parent or child.

They will disagree with you simply for the sake of disagreeing. Their immediate reaction to most of what you say is to tell you that you are wrong. Then they will explain their own point of view, saying the exact same thing you did. If you try to tell them that is the same as what you said, they will adamantly deny that and explain their point of view all over again. They will put words in your mouth, saying, “No, you said….” Those words will often not be anything like what you said. If you confront them on this, they often have a standard cop-out, “Well, I don’t remember exactly word for word, but it was something like that.” Their insistence of explaining how they were right and your were wrong is never-ending. You will go in infinite circles around and around. You will get absolutely nowhere!

When a narcissist does occasionally find themselves in a place where the other person is right, they absolutely will not admit it. They cannot simply say, “Hey, you are right” or “I never thought of it like that.” They may actually get to a point that they admit you are right, but only in a back-handed way. They will make it very clear that what you are saying is stuff they already knew. Their knowledge must be greater, faster and stronger. You will hear things such as,

• “I know! I had that thought a week ago. Glad you caught up.”

• “You’re right, you must have been listening to me.”

• “I knew that was the case.”

• “I already know that, and I’ll take it a step further….”

A simple “Hey, you have a good point there,” is not within their capabilities. It threatens their ego too much. For that tiny instant, they would feel inferior to you. To admit that you are right means, internally, they have to admit that they were wrong. There simply is no in-between ground. Don’t forget, for them, this isn’t conversation. It’s combat! Every interaction has a winner and a loser, and they must be the winner, no matter how insignificant the conversation really is.

Use Their Own Game Against Them

So what do you do if you are in such a relationship and you can’t walk away, at least not yet? How do you avoid these combative interactions and their narcissistic rage?

One very effective tactic is to beat them at their own game. Anticipate their irrational reactions before they happen and call them out on it ahead of time. Use their own desire to always be right and to always prove you wrong against them.

Let me explain. Let’s say you know you have a tough conversation coming with your narcissist. Before the conversation even starts, simply say, “Now I know you are going to react hard to this, but I need to tell you…..” Then tell them. Their own burning desire to prove you wrong will keep their reaction in check. If they blow up now, then you will be right, and they CANNOT allow that to happen.

Some examples of these pre-emptive statements:

• I know you are not going to like this, but ……

• I know you are going to get mad, but …...

• I know this is going to set you off, but …….

As soon as the words “I know” come out of your mouth, their mind is already triggered to prove you wrong.

Yes this is a bit manipulative and purely intentional. But it is also a way of self-protection. Often, we still are caught in interactions with these narcissists. Maybe you have kids together and are co-parenting, otherwise known as counter parenting. Maybe you simply aren’t out of the relationship yet. Maybe it’s your parent, and you don’t want to completely cut ties. If you must keep interacting with them, then you should start finding ways to do it without losing your own mind.

Whatever the circumstances, use this tactic and watch them nearly bite their tongue in half just to prove you wrong! Enjoy it!

I Can’t Fix This!

My Shit-Sweeping Broom

So the first 10 years of our marriage were seen by him and the world as nearly perfect. We never fought and hardly ever disagreed. We were told repeatedly that we were such a wonderful fit and seemed so happy together.

Why? Because I was using a shit-sweeping broom that I didn’t even know I had. I didn’t realize that I was cleaning up after him, sweeping away the dirt he left behind.

He offended people right and left. I apologized for him. He sure never did.

He distanced himself from family members to play video games. I apologized for him, explaining that he doesn’t do crowds, that he just needs some alone time, that he will come back shortly.

He aggressively upset other drivers, flipping them off, honking, flashing his lights, yelling. I waved an apology with a shake of my head and a shrug of my shoulders.

He offended our friends, storming out of social volleyball games over minor disagreements. I apologized to them. He’s just tired, next week will be better.

He verbally abused our children, emotionally attacking them, often for things they didn’t even do. I apologized to the kids. I explained to them that he had a bad day, a rough childhood, no siblings. Or he was tired or not feeling well. I smoothed things over with them and then laughed and played with them, quickly moving on.

He emotionally attacked me for small, minor things. I explained to myself that he had a rough childhood and didn’t really mean it.

A Match Made in Heaven? I Don't Think So!

So in his eyes, our early marriage was a match made in heaven. Not so in my eyes. I cried myself to sleep many nights, thinking, “I’ll never bring that subject up again….ever!” . I carried horrible pits in the bottom of my stomach, wondering when his next explosive reaction would be. I cringed at the slightest disagreement or the smallest hint of anything that would offend him.

So how did I spend my time? Working overtime to keep him happy, to shield him from anything that would upset him, to make sure he felt good about himself and life.

So YES, he thought this was great! Who wouldn’t? He had someone who commited all of her time to making him happy, to baby-sitting his feelings, and to smoothing over all his relationship boo-boo’s. It was a great deal for him. He gets to act like an ass and have someone to sweep up after him all the time.

All My Fault

I even reached the point that everything he did wrong was my fault.

It was my fault he was addicted to gaming. I should have fussed at him more for being on the electronics.

It was my fault he got mad at the other driver. I should have warned him and calmed him before they cut him off. Or I should have been the one driving.

It was my fault he stormed out of the volleyball game. I should have called that shot, telling everyone whether it was in or out, playing the peacemaker that I am.

It was my fault he abused our kids. I should have kept our children quieter around him, making sure they were only peaceful and happy in his presence.

It was my fault that he is being an ass. I should have anticipated all these little offenses and stopped them before they reached him or before he started to react.

This way of living is simply not sustainable. It is exhausting and takes a horrible toll on your life, your energy, your health, everything.

Our 10th Wedding Anniversary

On the night of our 10th wedding anniversary, we went to a Taekwondo sparring class. As a family, we were training in martial arts. Due to busy schedules, we often would celebrate birthdays, anniversaries and other such days on a different night. We were red belts and approaching out next promotion. So we decided we would attend class that night and celebrate our anniversary over the weekend.

At class, my husband was sparring with one of our older Black Belt men. This man punched him in the side of the helmet, harder than my husband clearly wanted to be punched. My husband stormed off, throwing his helmet to the ground. The Black Belt was walking quickly behind him saying, “Hey, I’m sorry. Are you okay?” My husband never turned around, never acknowledged him, and never spoke. He went to the back room, changed his clothes and left.

Now, let me briefly explain a few things about Taekwondo. First, you are going to get punched and kicked. Sometimes it might be a little hard and hurt a bit. That’s part of the training and how you develop your own toughness and skills. Second, respect is a huge part of the training. We are taught to respect each other, no matter what the rank. Add to that, though, the rank of Black Belt holds a position of tremendous respect. Finally, along with that respect, you NEVER just walk off the floor without the permission of the head instructor, much less actually leave the building. What he did was not okay in so many ways. And I will say, if one of our boys had behaved like that, he would have climbed all over them!

I really did not want to come home that night. The pit in my stomach was gigantic! After classed dismissed, I changed in the locker room. The head instructor was waiting for me by the door. I knew I had to say something to him. I still remember the words coming out of my mouth, “I’m sorry for his behavior, Sir.” He simply said, “What he did was not okay.” “Yes sir. I know,” I responded. He then, compassionately, asked me, “Is everything okay? Are you okay?”

I knew the answer to that was no. I knew that I was in a mess of a marriage. But still not willing to face it, I told him that we were fine and that everything would be okay. He smiled and nodded, but I sensed that he saw right through me.

When I got home, I found my husband upstairs in our loft. He was sitting in the dark, crying. He told me how upset he was that no one cared about his feelings. It was all about his feelings and how “badly” everyone had treated him, all of which were perceived slights and not reality. Not only was there no apology for his behavior, the thought of an apology never even crossed his mind.

Though I still didn’t know the extent of what was to come, I now knew that we had a real problem here. I realized that I was apologizing for his rudeness, again and again. How was all of this possibly my fault? How was it all my job to fix and to clean up the messes? Why wasn’t he taking any of that responsibility?

It was still another 6 years before I actually heard the word narcissism. By this time, I had become a true expert at taking the responsibility for his behavior. My shit-sweeping skills were nearly perfect. The better I got at it, the more I felt it was my duty. After all, if I was the healthy one in the relationship, then I had to be the one to fix everything. He sure wasn’t going to do it.

I Can Fix Anything.....Except This

Up to this point in my life, I had the mindset that I could fix anything. For 45 years of life, there wasn’t hardly anything I couldn’t do. If I put my mind to it, it would get done. I know some of you, and perhaps a lot of you, can relate to this.

I remember the night, New Year’s Eve 2015. My family had all gone to bed. I was up, thinking about life and feeling very overwhelmed. Dreading spending yet another year this way. Then it hit me, “I can’t fix this!” I fell to the floor, buried my face in my hands, and sobbed. “God, I can’t fix this!” I repeated over and over.

This was extremely difficult to accept but a very necessary moment in my journey. As long as I was still trying to “fix” this, then I was still making it all my responsibility and my fault. It seemed like a defeated statement to say, “I can’t fix this.” But rather than feeling defeated, I felt liberated. For the first time in my marriage, I was releasing myself from this gigantic burden, the burden of carrying him.

If you are carrying all the blame for your narcissistic partner, then say it out loud, right now, “I can’t fix this!” Listen to your own words. Find your own path to this powerful realization. You can’t fix them. You can’t fix the relationship. You can’t cover all their faults. And it isn’t your job!

Narcissists and Emotions

Narcissists seem to have absolutely no emotional intelligence, inside themselves or with the world around them. The general consensus is that they have no understanding of basic human emotion, especially other people’s emotions. They continuously stomp all over your feelings and don’t show an ounce of care about it. They can talk harshly and callously one minute and be confused as to why you don’t want to make love with them the very next minute. Even when you try to explain it to them, they seem completely incapable of connecting the dots. In fact, just trying to talk with them about it can quickly start you on a never-ending downward spiral of verbal abuse. And again, the next day, it all just disappears, as though it never even happened.

My own teenage son once said to me, “Dad only has two states of emotion, anger or zombie. It’s all I ever see on him.” Genuine happiness, healthy pride in his sons, peaceful conversation with a glass of wine on the patio, these are non-existent. Other emotions that never show up are remorse, regret, compassion, joy, and many more.

I recently watched a video that was extremely helpful to me. It is a youtube video by the Little Shaman titled Stop Explaining to the Narcissist. She explains that the narcissists actually see the world through their own emotions. It just happens to be though that those emotions are generally quite negative and out of control. The narcissist views their own emotions as fact and completely reliable. So if they are feeling negative, which is most of the time, they will see whatever you are doing as negative. If you offer to wash their car, they will find a reason not to trust that. It must mean that you want something, because you can’t be doing it simply out of kindness.

Not only do they question your current actions and words, but those in the past too. An event from the past that might have been fine at the time can become yet another point of trouble in a heartbeat. I’ll give you a personal example. One year for our wedding anniversary, my husband took me to a beautiful restaurant. It was converted from an old farm building out in the country. It was gorgeous. I ordered duck, and that was fantastic! Conversation stayed positive, and we had a very enjoyable evening. We desperately needed some positive time together. I told him several times how much I enjoyed it. He also seemed light-hearted and happy, and I was very glad. I thought we had a great evening, and I genuinely thanked him.

A few days later, however, we were back in one of those circular conversations. You know, the ones where you find yourself defending everything you have ever done or said. He was on the attack over everything he could think of. To my surprise, he told me that I didn’t even appreciate the dinner he took me on the other night. “What are you talking about?” I asked. He responded, “You didn’t like the food, you didn’t like the conversation, you didn’t like the restaurant….you were just unhappy the whole time.” This was a shock to me. I really liked the restaurant and the food. I really appreciated that he kept conversation positive and upbeat. I so badly needed an enjoyable evening out with him.

When I watched this video by Little Shaman, this situation made sense to me now. In her words, “Events viewed through the lense of emotion are altered by the narcissist in order to fit the emotion. If they are angry at you, everything you do will be perceived negatively no matter what it is. Even things you did in the past that were okay at the time are now viewed through this lense and found to be evil. The narcissist’s “truth” changes with their emotions.”

My narcissistic husband was not remembering clearly how the evening had gone. He was only viewing it through his current negative emotions. Since right this minute he was angry and upset, then that evening must have been negative too. Everything can turn bad in the blink of an eye, leaving you rather perplexed and confused.

Most people realize that feelings are unreliable, unpredictable and fleeting. Our emotions shift around constantly and sometimes rather abruptly. The way we feel often does not make sense and is not based on thought or logic. Thus we do not rely fully on our feelings to view the world around us. This is not true with narcissists. They rely 100% on their feelings, and those feelings come from a lifetime of internal abuse and negativity. They believe these feelings and thus believe that all of the world is against them. They expect to be treated badly and will find it in every situation. Trying to rationally explain things to them is crazy-making. They are not interested in rational thinking and reality. They only care that their feelings have been hurt, no matter whether that is justified or not.

In essence, due to the enormous amount of internal negativity they carry, narcissists do not know how to feel loved and cared for. They do not know how to have a positive connection with someone. It does not matter whether it is you or someone else. They cannot have that kind of connection with anyone. They simply aren’t capable of it.

To watch the entire video by the Little Shaman, follow this link. It is well worth your time.

Learning Life Lessons as a Mother

Nothing in life has taught me more about myself than being a mom. It is the most challenging thing I have ever done. I have loved it and hated it, and both often at the same time. I used to say, “Moms get the worst fussing, but we get the best loving too.” And this was before I knew the word narcissism. I realized quickly that parenting was going to be difficult. I had no idea what was in store for me. Parenting with a covert narcissist is absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done!

Our precious little ones can become monsters around us, pushing all the wrong buttons at all the wrong times. But they can also brighten the darkest day with a snuggle and a smile at just the right moment. The little stinkers! They are impossible to figure out.

I recently came across a beautiful website about motherhood. It is www.thinkbaby.org. The founders and authors are Zoe Withers, Josephine Peterson, and Angela Jansen. This website is loaded with awesome information for mothers. While it may seem far removed from the narcissistic world I write about, one of Zoe’s articles really hit home with me. I want to share some of that insight here.

Zoe wrote an article called Important Lessons I’ve Learned as a Mother. Parenting can absolutely change your life, if you let it. What an amazing opportunity for personal growth in so many ways. Zoe mentioned three lessons she has learned as a mother. I want to take those three and apply them to myself as a mother parenting with a covert narcissist. Thank you Zoe for providing the inspiration for this article. I highly recommend you check out her blog for more great articles by her and her co-authors.

Patience, everything happens with time

Parenting does not happen overnight. Nor does becoming a good parent. Most people will agree that parenting requires patience. But they are usually referring to the patience needed to deal with the antics of a child. Patience when they dump their cereal all over the floor, for the 100th time. Patience when they wet their pants in the middle of a crowded grocery store. However patience with your child’s behaviors is not the only patience necessary.

Parenting also requires patience with yourself. Just because you became a parent does not mean for a moment that you know what you are doing. Even though your child may think you have all the answers, you don’t. They may look up to you like you are an absolute hero, but only you know how much you are blundering as you go.

Be patient with yourself. You will do plenty of things wrong. You will do plenty of things that you could have done better. You will say things that you wish you could take back. So be it! No one said you had to be perfect. In fact, setting yourself up as being perfect in your child’s eyes is quite damaging. It simply causes them to try to live up to an unreachable goal, potentially making them feel like a disappointment and failure to you. Let them know that you aren’t perfect. Apologize when you need to, to them and to yourself.

You will grow right along with them, if you let yourself. That growth is amazing. Be patient, and it will happen with time.

It’s More than Ok to Ask for Help

Parenting is hard, no shock there. Parenting with a narcissist is crazy impossible!! Drop the image that you’ve got all your stuff together. You don’t. Quit trying to play perfect to the world. Drop the image that you have it all under control. You aren’t fooling anyone, and that image is disastrous for you and especially for your kids.

In her fantastic book based on her own personal experience in life, author Alex Delon realized one day (in her words), “I’m holding myself together with barbed wire.” The picture it put in my mind and heart was so true to the life I was living. I was barely holding myself together, and the spikes of the barbed wire were digging deep. To find Alex’s book, Leaving You...for me, follow this link. I highly recommend the book.

If you are in a narcissistic marriage, then you know this painful place too. Your kids need you to be real. They desperately need a role model that shows that it is okay to be upset and frustrated AND that it is okay to ask for help. They need to know that you aren’t perfect. Reach out to a few friends for support. Tell them what is going on in your world. No, they can’t fix it, but they can be there for you to lean on. Trust me, that is extremely necessary!

Let your kids know that you have reached out for some allies. Tell them that you have told your friend or your family member. Let them know that they can talk with them too if they want. Encourage your kids to talk about their home environment with a few of their own friends. You might even talk with their best friend’s mother. Fill her in and let your child know that you did. Explain to your child that you all need allies who know what is going on and can help you if you need it.

When my boys told me that they had opened up to a few friends about what was going on in our home, I was thrilled. If they could talk with their closest friends about all this, that was a major accomplishment They were able to drop the image and to be vulnerable. If you really want to beat narcissism, this is a required step for everyone involved.

Strongly consider finding a therapist too. Find someone who is knowledgeable about narcissism. Straight up ask them what their experience is with it. It is best to find someone who has lived it firsthand. Any good therapist will allow you to ask some personal questions about their background. Don’t be afraid to ask.

Get your kids to visit that therapist too. My boys were hesitant to go at first. They thought I was telling them that they were crazy. So I disguised it a little. They both had already told me that they wanted me to divorce their dad. I told them that if I was going to do that, then I needed a counselor on my side. I needed that therapist to know what all was going on in our home. So I needed them to be completely honest with him. They both were, and they both greatly benefited. Of course, they later realized that the real reason for them to go was for them to work through their own anger. They caught me, but they were extremely grateful.

Savor every single moment, even the difficult ones

Life is made up of the moments. If you miss the single moments, then you miss life. There will be many incredibly difficult and painful moments. Your heart will viciously rip in half again and again. Let these painful times make you stronger. Feel the pain for what it is. It is not you being weak or overly emotional. It is not you just being dramatic or too sensitive, yet again. It is not something you should just get over. It is not a weakness.

These tough moments show a heart that cares, a heart that loves, a heart that beats. They reveal a soft and open heart wanting so desperately to take the pain away from the ones you love. This is you wanting to protect and to shield. It is you being real and genuine, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Don’t wait for some magical date in the future where you will finally be happy. Don’t wait for this or that to happen, such as when the kids are out of the house or when you finally file for divorce. I know you are in a tough spot. I get it. I have absolutely been there!

When my youngest boy was 14, we were in the thick of some very tough times in the home. Anger and negativity were running high. Yet I was talking to him, once again, about forgiveness and letting go of the anger. He assured me that he was working on it. I told him that I truly hoped so. He said, “Mom, I have to work on it now. If I say that I will wait til I move out of the house, then it will never actually happen. I have to learn to be happy now.”

He hit it on the head. If we tell ourselves that we will learn to be happy at some point in the future, then that point will never come. We will simply continue to put it off and push it away. The secret lies in finding peace now.

How do we do it? By living each single moment right now, both the good ones and the bad ones. Live each one, starting with the one that is right in front of you right now. Be as present as you can possibly be, every step of the way. Your kids need that, and so do you.

Parenting is quite a journey. It is extremely easy to get side-tracked and distracted from what is most important. You must remind yourself often to stay focused and on-task. The important things are the health of yourself and your kids. No matter how busy you get as a mom, and you will get crazy busy, have patience with faith, ask for help, and savor every single moment!

For more help with parenting under these adverse circumstances, I have written an ebook titled Parenting with a Covert Narcissist. This 26-page ebook contains crucial information for any parent who is struggling with the disastrous effects that covert narcissism is having on their own kids. It contains personal examples and suggestions for helping kids process their hurt and confused feelings. It will open  your heart to know that you are not alone and open your eyes to see ways to start recovering now. My boys and I are living proof that this horrible cycle can be stopped. If we can do it, so can you! Get the book here!