Belief in the Goodness of Others

Your belief in the goodness of others is not a bad thing, but it can certainly cause problems. It can lead you to be willing to overlook the faults of others and set you up for abusive relationships.

For many years of my marriage, I never considered that my husband was abusive or NOT a good person. Of course he was a good person. How could he not be? I made excuses for his bad behavior. He doesn’t feel good today. He is stressed from work. He’s tired. He’s worried about a big project.

My belief in the goodness of him says more about me than it does about him. I want people to be good. I want people to care for each other, to love each other, to live in peace with each other. I so badly wanted him to be a good person, and I refused to consider otherwise. So I overlooked all the red flags for years.

If you grew up under an abusive parent, this can certainly magnify the problem. It causes so much confusion in a youngster. The thought that your parent could be a bad person isn’t even considered. This is your mom or your dad. You believe in them and turn to them for love and support. So you grow up believing that a bad person is truly a good person. This leads to a lot of internal confusion, and you aren’t even aware of it. So later in life, someone can be abusive to you and you might remain convinced for years that they are a good person.

Hang on to that desire for others to be good people, loving and peaceful. Nothing wrong with that. Just keep a reality check with it. Just because you want someone to be a good person does not mean that they are. Look at their attitudes, behaviors, words, actions and see them for what they are. You can be sad that they are a bad person, but you cannot “will” them into being a good person.

Don't all Relationships have Their Problems Though

I remember early in our marriage when things got ugly, I would think to myself, “Every marriage has issues though. It would be the same with anyone else.”

He snapped at me because I told him that he had toothpaste on his mouth.

He got angry because I hung pictures in the house without asking him, even though he had told me that he didn’t care.

These seemed so minor and just like any other marriage. I knew my parents had times they got mad at each other, and they have been happily married over 50 years. My friends had conflicts in their marriages. Isn’t this normal? Wouldn’t it be like this no matter who I married?

What I didn’t realize at the time was that we never reconciled. He blew up over something trivial, I made apologies, but we never made amends. He never offered any apologies. He never carried ANY of the blame with me. I did all the apologizing, and then I swept everything under the rug as fast as I could. 

There was no mutual forgiveness and no reconciliation with each other. Instead, as everything just got swept under the rug, it was never talked about again. I remember laying in bed at night, thinking to myself, “I will NEVER bring that up again!” I always paid a high price anytime I tried to clear things from under the rug, so that pile under the rug just got bigger and bigger.

When I had a disagreement with a friend or a family member, it didn’t seem to be as big of a deal. We would apologize and forgive, and no hard feelings lingered. I used to think that maybe this is just because of the complications of being married. It’s harder when it is on an intimate level. I guess all marriages are like this. I just have to keep working at it. Maybe someday we will get it.

I sure was wrong!! Not all marriages are like this. It isn’t because of the intimacy of the relationship. It is because we could never find a place of reconciliation. When you are in a truly loving relationship, reconciliation is something you experience often. The issue wasn’t about all the little disagreements and trivial problems. Yes, we sound trivial when trying to explain what is going on in our marriage. This is because the real issue is the lack of reconciliation, not the trivial little disagreements.

When your friend explains a similar trivial problem in their marriage and is able to laugh about it now, it is because they found reconciliation afterwards. They carried mutual blame and understanding. They found middle ground and resolved it. The problem is gone, never to be thought of again. It doesn’t linger, it doesn’t add up, because it was resolved.

When you are with a covert narcissist, that resolution and reconciliation never comes. Can you picture your spouse in the heat of the moment actually saying, “Oh, that makes sense. I can see why you would have thought that? I’m sorry for misunderstanding.”??? Or can you see them saying, “Hey, it’s okay that you misunderstood me. It happens. I’m sorry for not being more clear.”??? These are words that lead to resolution and reconciliation, and they are words that you will never hear from a covert narcissist.

You're the Only Person Who Thinks Like That

I was told that I am the only person who sees anger in him. He said that he asked his friends and co-workers. Friends?? He has no friends. He doesn’t do anything with anyone, ever. He sits in the house and plays video games, night after night and all day on the weekends.

When I finally asked him who he was talking about, he named friends from high school that he hadn’t seen in years. He named a friend who lives on the other side of the world, with whom he stays connected through email. Of course these friends don’t see anger in you. They don’t even see you!

Then he named his coworkers. Ok, at least these are people you see in your daily life. However, they have no social interactions outside of work. They only know him in the work environment, and most of that is computer interaction. They certainly don’t live with you.

Saying that you are the only person who thinks like that completely invalidates your feelings. It is an attempt to devalue what you are saying and prove you wrong. But again, these are people who do not live with you behind closed doors and are not a part of your intimate relationship. Even close friends are not IN the relationship. Their knowledge of all that is going on is still very limited.

In reality, it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. This relationship with this person is your relationship. No one else’s. If you don’t like the way you are being treated, who cares what the friends and coworkers think? This isn’t about them in the first place.

An Epiphany

You are allowed to walk this Earth in peace just like everyone else. The gift of a peaceful life is every bit as present for you as it is for anyone and everyone else. You are not obligated to live under stress and abuse. You CAN choose to spend each individual moment of your life doing things that are peaceful and that make you happy. You CAN choose to spend your time and energy on things that make you feel positive, productive, compassionate, and connected to others. You ARE allowed to be you!!

This epiphany hit me right between the eyes one day. Of course, it is true!! This is my life! I am allowed to live it! This realization became more valuable to me than anything else in the midst of the narcissistic nightmare that I was living. It floated in and out of my grasp and remained elusive at times. But I continued to bring myself back to it over and over.

This epiphany creates the most amazing feeling inside when you truly connect with it. It is an overwhelming feeling of peacefulness. Each time you find it, it releases a little bit more of the tension and stress that has been in the body for years and years. It frees you from the effects of narcissistic abuse. It feels so wonderful that you will want to cling to it forever. 

Am I the Narcissist

Just because you do something athletic does not make you an athlete. 

-Throwing a ball

-Kicking a ball

-Running (to catch a bus)

Just because you do something musical does not make you a musician

-Singing in the car

-Dancing in the living room

Just because you do something narcissistic does not make you a narcissist

-Silent treatment because everything you say is being used against you

-Getting overly defensive about something because you are tired of being attacked

-Having a moment of jealousy

-Over-stepping your boundaries

-Standing up for yourself

-Desiring for life to be about you for even a moment because you want to matter

-Greyrocking - short answers, not engaging, emotionally shut down

-Feeling like a victim

Yes, these are traits we see in covert narcissists. They show up in victims too as trauma responses and survival skills. Just because they show up in your struggle to survive this does not make you a covert narcissist!

We all have selfish moments. That does not make us a selfish person.

The narcissist in our life has generous moments. Does that make them a generous person?

My ex even had compassionate moments. He certainly was NOT a compassionate person.

When you see glimpses of narcissism in you and question this, remember that if you are asking if you are a narcissist, then that is a huge sign that you are not. Narcissistic people do not genuinely ask themselves if they are narcissistic. They may ask another person simply to receive validation that they are not. But they will not ask themselves and self-reflect within.

What you are experiencing when you see those moments of narcissism in you is reactive abuse. When you have been pushed to an edge over and over and can’t do anything right, it is very normal to react. That reaction can be explosive and scary, yelling, hitting, throwing things, etc. It can make you look crazy and even make you feel that maybe you are. See it for what it is. You have been cornered enough times, and eventually the intense bottled up frustration comes out!

All My Fault

How do we rationalize that all this blame is ours?!?

I reached the point that everything he did wrong was my fault. Here are some examples, and the rationale that allowed me to accept the blame.
It was my fault he was addicted to gaming. I should have fussed at him more for being on the electronics.

• It was my fault he got mad at the other driver. I should have warned him and calmed him before they cut him off. Or I should have been the one driving.

• It was my fault he stormed out of the volleyball game. I should have called that shot, telling everyone whether it was in or out, playing the peacemaker that I am.

• It was my fault he verbally abused our kids. I should have kept our children quieter around him, making sure they were only peaceful and happy in his presence.

• It was my fault that he was being a jerk. I should have anticipated all these little offenses and stopped them before they reached him or before he started to react.

Taking this blame is what pushes a victim to overthink and overanalyze everything. You are constantly trying to stay three steps ahead of them. Trying to anticipate everything that could possibly go wrong so that they never get upset.

This way of living is simply not sustainable. It is exhausting and takes a horrible toll on your life, your energy, your health, your relationships, everything.

Make a list of the things you blame yourself for. Write them all down. Cross off the ones that are NOT your fault. Rewrite them!!

• It was not my fault he was addicted to gaming. He chooses how he spends his time.

• It was not my fault he got mad at the other driver. He chooses his own interactions with others.

• It was not my fault he stormed out of the volleyball game. I’m not the referee.

• It was not my fault he verbally abused our kids. He chooses how he parents.

• It was not my fault he was being a jerk. He chooses his own behaviors.

At the end of your list, write “That’s on him!!” (Or her if the case may be)

Abuse is Abuse and Abuse is Wrong

So how many traits do they have to carry in order to be a covert narcissist? I get asked this by a lot of victims. My partner does this one and that one, but not these. I hear so many people say that covert narcissists do this, but mine doesn’t do that. Does this mean they aren’t a covert narcissist?

People are trying desperately to make sense of their situation. They want clear cut answers. They want to know so they can validate their decision to leave the relationship or not. Trouble is there are no clear cut answers with covert narcissism.

Yes, there are many similarities in all our stories. At times, we can all feel like we are talking about the same person. I have heard from so many people that I could be talking about their own life when I tell my story. It is like they all took the same course on how to be a nightmare.

Yet covert narcissism is not one size fits all. Differences still remain. Knowing the similarities definitely helps us to not feel crazy. Hearing others describe the same situations we have been living makes us no longer feel so alone and isolated.

It isn't a clear cut formula. There is no magical "number of traits." It just isn't that simple. And it doesn't entirely matter. Whether they are actually a narcissist or not is not what matters. What matters is how they are treating you!

Don’t get caught up in trying to determine if he/she truly is a covert narcissist or not. Don’t count the signs, comparing how many they have and how many they don’t. There is no one single formula for this! Even one abusive trait can be enough to chase you out of the relationship.

Look at how they treat you. Look at how you feel around them. Are you genuinely happy to see them? Or does your heart sink when they get home? Listen to your heart! It already knows how you feel! It is trying to tell you!

A Thousand Bee Stings

The covert narcissist is a master at subtleness. Their attacks are not outright and in your face. But they are experts at making you feel stupid, worthless, despicable and miserable. Trying to explain their actions to others makes us sound trivial, petty and crazy. This is because most single occurrences with a covert narcissist are small and petty. But it isn’t about a single event. It is over and over for years and decades.

Their abuse is like a thousand bee stings. One or two bee stings here and there over the course of a lifetime would not be a problem. We wouldn’t even remember them over time. But imagine getting stung every single day of your life, multiple times a day, for years and years. For those who are living or have lived with a covert narcissist, we don’t have to imagine it. We have experienced it. It is unbearable!!

Imagine this - you get stung by a bee. You tell your best friend about it. You might get a moment of sympathy from your friend, but it would be extremely small and short-lived. The conversation would move on. Later that day you get stung again. You tell your friend. She might respond, “Wow, twice in one day. You sure are unlucky today.” Again, sympathy would be small, and life would move on.

Now a couple of days later, this cycle repeats itself. Your friend, who maybe has never been stung by a bee, is already slightly tired of hearing about it. She wants to talk about things other than bees. As this continues, you become obsessed with the bees that keep stinging you. At the same time, your friend is annoyed by it and thinks you are crazy. You have no scars or visible marks of any sort. To your friend, this seems like something that can easily be overlooked.

Your friends may try to convince you that bees are little and fairly innocent. Or that a bee sting doesn’t hurt that bad and you should get over it. They might even tell you that you are imagining this because no one gets stung that often. Or they might point out the great things that bees do for us, such as make honey and pollinate the flowers.

But you don’t want to hear any of this. After years of being stung, you want to extinguish every bee on the face of the earth!!!

This is like dealing with covert narcissism. The stings might seem small and insignificant in this world of violence. Everyone who watches the nightly news full of beatings and murders might tell you that this is nothing and you are over-reacting. You will hear from others that you are seeing things wrong and your perception is off. These individual events with your covert narcissist will seem so small and insignificant by themselves, like a single bee sting.

You will be told that it’s not really that big of a deal. They say things like, “What are you so upset about?” “You’re over-reacting!” “At least he isn’t hitting you!” “That’s nothing, let me tell you about what happened to me.”

This is crazy-making stuff!! In the “bee” situation, you would think you are losing your mind if you were being stung every single day. You would stop going outside. You would be constantly on the lookout for a bee. This would consume your mind.

It would be incredibly frustrating to keep trying to explain this to people who don’t believe you or don’t validate your feelings. Whether people believe you or not, you would eventually have to take it upon yourself and try to figure out why the bees keep stinging you. Why are the bees attracted to me? Why are they mad at me? Where are they coming from? What can I do about it? How do I get this stopped!?

Being with a covert narcissist is no different. You will be stung every single day, and maybe even every single conversation. You will be made to feel stupid and worthless all the time. They will manipulate everything to make you feel like every problem in the world is your fault. You will find yourself apologizing and don't even know why. Their words come out harshly and accusatory. When you try to make peace, they defend themselves aggressively and attack you at the same time. There is never any time that you feel safe from being stung.

People who have never been stung by covert narcissism are not going to be able to understand. They either won’t believe you or won’t validate your feelings. You can’t wait for them to get on board with you. Eventually, you have to take this into your own hands and try to get some answers. Why is he/she attacking me? Where is all this coming from? What can I do about it? How do I get this stopped!?

I assure you that you are not losing your mind. Your frustrations, your confusion, your hurt….it’s all real. You have a reason to feel the way you do. You have a reason to be searching for answers. You have a hurt soul that needs to be healed. The pain is real. The scars are real.

Don’t stay and just keep getting stung. Don’t try to convince yourself that it isn’t real. Don’t try to ignore it or grin and bear it. Don’t wait for everyone else to see it. They may never see it for themselves. You have to take action for yourself. No one can do it for you, but you can! You are stronger than you know!

A Strategic Communication Tool

Covert narcissists absolutely hate for the other person to be right. Especially if that person is a spouse, significant other, parent or child. They will disagree with you simply for the sake of disagreeing. Their immediate reaction to most of what you say is to tell you that you are wrong. Then they will explain their own point of view, saying the exact same thing you did. If you try to tell them that is the same as what you said, they will adamantly deny that and explain their point of view all over again. They will put words in your mouth, saying, “No, you said….” Those words will often not be anything like what you said. If you confront them on this, they often have a standard cop-out, “Well, I don’t remember exactly word for word, but it was something like that.” Their insistence of explaining how they were right and you were wrong is never-ending. You will go in infinite circles around and around. You will get absolutely nowhere!

If you must interact with him/her, one very effective tactic is to beat them at their own game. Anticipate their irrational reactions before they happen and call them out on it ahead of time. Use their own desire to always be right and to always prove you wrong against them.

Let’s say you know you have a tough conversation coming with your covert narcissist. Before the conversation even starts, simply say, “Now I know you are going to react hard to this, but I need to tell you something.” Then tell them. Now they are in a bind. Their own burning desire to prove you wrong will keep their reaction in check. If they blow up now, then you will be right, and they CANNOT allow that to happen.

Some examples of these pre-emptive statements include:

• I know you are not going to like this, but ……

• I know you are going to get mad, but …...

• I know this is going to set you off, but …….

As soon as the words “I know” come out of your mouth, their mind is already triggered to prove you wrong. Watch them nearly bite their tongue in half just to prove you wrong! Enjoy it! They might even say, “See, you were wrong. I didn’t get mad.” Your response is, “Wow, ok thanks.” And walk away. You got what you wanted, to say what you needed to say without them blowing up at you.

Often, we still are caught in interactions with these covert narcissists. Maybe you have kids together and are co-parenting, otherwise known as counter parenting. Maybe you simply aren’t out of the relationship yet. Maybe it’s your parent, and you don’t want to completely cut ties. If you must keep interacting with them, then you should start finding ways to do it without losing your own mind.

A Single Compliment

Late in our marriage, during a circular conversation that had gone round and round about all the bad things I’ve ever done in my life, I was defending myself and desperately trying to take this conversation in a productive direction. For several weeks, I had been honest with my husband about how I was feeling, trying so hard to get him to understand how much he was hurting our kids and me. Here I was again, trying to communicate effectively with him, trying to find the right words, trying to connect with my husband.

In the middle of this scenario, while I was pouring everything I had into genuine attempts at improving our relationship, my covert narcissistic husband asked me, “Can you even give me one compliment? One thing you like about me?” “Wait! What?” A compliment? You want a compliment? Like “your hair looks good today?” Or “I like that shirt.” I knew this wasn’t what he wanted. He wanted me to tell him something I liked about him. This, after 18 years of an emotionally abusive relationship, and our marriage was truly struggling.

This question really created a problem in me. All these different adjectives went through my head.

• Helpful? No

• Compassionate? No

• Patient? No

• Fun-loving? No

• Kind? No

• Easy to be around? No

• Fun to be around? No

• Easy to talk to? No

• A good father? No

• Happy? No

This list went on and on in my mind. What could I say??

I finally said to him that I was grateful for 2 things. I am extremely happy with the 2 boys that this marriage has given me. They are amazing boys, and I am very proud of them. The other thing is that I am grateful to him for providing for the family so that I could stay home and raise our boys. He responded, “So I am a paycheck to you? And you can’t even come up with one nice thing to say about me?”

I did feel a little bad about not being able to come up with something nice to say about him. So I gave it some more thought later. And even with some time to ponder, I still could not come up with positive and truthful compliments.

Instead the list was:

• Selfish

• Lazy and unmotivated

• Mean and rude

• Quick to anger

• Hard to be around

• Hard to talk to

• Angry

• Harsh and abrupt

It wasn’t my fault that this was who he was. This was our daily life with him, and it was truly hurting all three of us badly!

A relationship without give

A relationship without give is a relationship full of hurt. With a covert narcissist, there is no give, no wiggle room, no slack in the line they have around your neck. They pull tighter and tighter and give you no breathing room. No room to be human, to be spontaneous and genuine. They give you no room to be you!

Here are some examples of statements that have no give in them:

• You ALWAYS talk so mean to me! You NEVER show you care!

• I can’t even talk to you because you NEVER listen!

If you are trying to talk with them about how they interact with you, you hear:

• I DIDN’T YELL!!

• I NEVER said that!

• WHY should I apologize?!?

A person with give says things very differently. It's the difference between saying:

• “You ALWAYS talk so mean to me!” and “Those words hurt. I don’t like it when you say things like that.”

• “I can’t even talk to you because you NEVER listen!” and “I don’t feel like you are listening to me right now.”

• “I DIDN’T YELL!” and “Oh, I sure didn't think that I was yelling.”

• “I NEVER said that!” and “I really don't remember saying that.”

• “WHY should I apologize?!?” and “I’m sorry.”

Watch normal everyday conversations with your loved ones and friends. People function with give. They cut the other person some slack, give some margin and benefit of the doubt. They leave space for the other person to feel better about themselves even if they messed things up. 

Not with a covert narcissist! There is no slack, no margin, no benefit of the doubt. There is no give! The slightest error, and they will pounce. The smallest room for a mistake, and they attack. There is no space for you to be human and anything less than whatever version of perfect is in their eyes at the moment. You are being held hostage by your own humanness.

A Match Made in Heaven? I Don't Think So!

So in his eyes, our early marriage was a match made in heaven. He thought it was great! I worked so hard to keep him happy. I met his every need. I noticed his every mood and adjusted my behavior accordingly. To him, this was perfect!

Not so much in my eyes. I cried myself to sleep many nights, thinking, “I’ll never bring that subject up again….ever!” . I carried horrible pits in the bottom of my stomach, wondering when his next explosive reaction would be. I cringed at the slightest disagreement or the smallest hint of anything that would offend him. All the while, I also convinced myself that I was capable of keeping this marriage strong. I could do this!

So how did I spend my time? Working overtime to keep him happy, to shield him from anything that would upset him, to make sure he felt good about himself and life, to validate all his emotions, to meet his every need.

So YES, he thought this was great! Who wouldn’t? He had someone who committed all of her time to making him happy, to baby-sitting his feelings, and to smoothing over all his relationship boo-boo’s. It was a great deal for him. He gets to act like a jerk and have someone to sweep up after him all the time.

Look at your relationship with open and honest eyes. If you are doing all the work and making all the changes in you for this person, and they are not meeting you in the middle with work and changes on their end, then this is a toxic relationship and is not sustainable. In a healthy relationship, both sides are willing to give. Both sides make themselves vulnerable to each other, admitting faults and carrying blame, and both sides give forgiveness and compassion.

A Different Type of Abandonment

I would never have said that abandonment was a concern for me. I never felt like he was going to run away with another woman. I knew that he would always be home in the evenings and on the weekends. But then I realized that there was a different type of abandonment going on.

In my marriage, abandonment came within the home itself. He completely isolated himself constantly. He lost himself in video games and movies for hours on end. This was every evening after work, every weekend, every holiday, every vacation, no matter where we were or who we were with. This happened whether we were alone just the two of us or at social events with our friends and family. It didn’t matter whether we were on the Oregon Coast visiting his own mother, having Christmas activities with my family, or in Paris on a family vacation. This was on the beach, in the hotel rooms, in the restaurants, and even on a beautiful dinner cruise in downtown Paris on the Seine River. He disengaged from our lives. He checked out completely again and again and again!

Our 15-year old son spent three weeks in France. When we picked him up at the airport, we learned that his luggage missed the flight. We had to wait one hour for it to arrive. So we found a quiet corner where we could sit and chat. I was so eager to hear all about his trip, and he was eager to tell us. Within the first five minutes of our son telling us about his excursions, my husband got up, pulled out his phone, and walked away. We didn’t see him for the next 45 minutes. No explanation, no interaction, just abandonment. To this day, he has still never heard about all the exciting things our son did on that trip. This is rejection and abandonment and happened so many times throughout the years.

For a long time, I didn’t recognize it as abandonment. I only thought of people moving out and leaving their families. But he absolutely abandoned us, day after day, over and over. All the while telling me that he would never leave his family and how wonderful of a husband he was. This daily abandonment was incredibly painful and emotionally damaging.

I Can't Change Overnight

Covert narcissists use hooks to take the heat off themselves and place the blame or responsibility back on you. Things that cause you once again to doubt yourself and your perspective.

One of these hooks is “I can’t change overnight! You’re going to have to be patient.”

With a covert narcissist, this statement means, “Get off my back! You are expecting too much! You are so demanding and expect me to be perfect all the time.” 

Change does take time. You desire to be a patient person. So you back off. You might even feel bad for being “too” demanding.

While change does take time, the first steps don’t.

Long-term changes take time and effort, sure. But listening to what your partner is saying does not take time. It simply requires the ability to listen. Validating what they are saying does not take time. It requires willingness to validate another human being. Being willing to have some give in your interactions with them does not take time. It requires the ability to be present.

At the very least, offering a genuine apology when they express that you hurt them does not take time. It requires an ability and willingness to be vulnerable. And in fact it takes less time than the defensiveness and 2-hour lectures that many victims receive.

I wore out the entire alphabet multiple times while he couldn’t even do step A. Yes, lasting change takes time. It takes repetition and reinforcement. However, step A doesn’t. It can happen right now. One small step. One small amount of give. That can happen overnight. But if someone doesn’t have any give, then they simply don’t have any give. In fact, their lack of give is devastating. They simply won’t give an inch, a smidge. 

Even to be able to say in a conversation, “Oh, that makes sense,” or “Ok, I can see that.” They just can’t do it. That would give you the slightest amount of understanding and validation. It won’t happen. So while change does take time, the first step does not. But they will never do it. 

Quit accepting this hook. Changes can happen overnight. Progress can take place and be visible very quickly. 

Make a list of changes you have made in life. Did these take time? Did the initial steps and commitments take time? When you were all in, did changes take place sooner?

How to Turn the Table on a Narcissist

This is one extremely effective tactic for when you are forced to communicate with a narcissist in your life.

Narcissists absolutely hate for the other person to be right. Especially if that person is a spouse, significant other, parent or child.

They will disagree with you simply for the sake of disagreeing. Their immediate reaction to most of what you say is to tell you that you are wrong. Then they will explain their own point of view, saying the exact same thing you did. If you try to tell them that is the same as what you said, they will adamantly deny that and explain their point of view all over again. They will put words in your mouth, saying, “No, you said….” Those words will often not be anything like what you said. If you confront them on this, they often have a standard cop-out, “Well, I don’t remember exactly word for word, but it was something like that.” Their insistence of explaining how they were right and your were wrong is never-ending. You will go in infinite circles around and around. You will get absolutely nowhere!

When a narcissist does occasionally find themselves in a place where the other person is right, they absolutely will not admit it. They cannot simply say, “Hey, you are right” or “I never thought of it like that.” They may actually get to a point that they admit you are right, but only in a back-handed way. They will make it very clear that what you are saying is stuff they already knew. Their knowledge must be greater, faster and stronger. You will hear things such as,

• “I know! I had that thought a week ago. Glad you caught up.”

• “You’re right, you must have been listening to me.”

• “I knew that was the case.”

• “I already know that, and I’ll take it a step further….”

A simple “Hey, you have a good point there,” is not within their capabilities. It threatens their ego too much. For that tiny instant, they would feel inferior to you. To admit that you are right means, internally, they have to admit that they were wrong. There simply is no in-between ground. Don’t forget, for them, this isn’t conversation. It’s combat! Every interaction has a winner and a loser, and they must be the winner, no matter how insignificant the conversation really is.

So what do you do if you are in such a relationship and you can’t walk away, at least not yet? How do you avoid these combative interactions and their narcissistic rage?

One very effective tactic is to beat them at their own game. Anticipate their irrational reactions before they happen and call them out on it ahead of time. Use their own desire to always be right and to always prove you wrong against them. 

Let me explain. Let’s say you know you have a tough conversation coming with your narcissist. Before the conversation even starts, simply say, “Now I know you are going to react hard to this, but I need to tell you…..” Then tell them. Their own burning desire to prove you wrong will keep their reaction in check. If they blow up now, then you will be right, and they CANNOT allow that to happen.

Some examples of these pre-emptive statements:

• I know you are not going to like this, but ……

• I know you are going to get mad, but …...

• I know this is going to set you off, but …….

As soon as the words “I know” come out of your mouth, their mind is already triggered to prove you wrong.

Yes this is a bit manipulative and purely intentional. But it is also a way of self-protection. Often, we still are caught in interactions with these narcissists. Maybe you have kids together and are co-parenting, otherwise known as counter parenting. Maybe you simply aren’t out of the relationship yet. Maybe it’s your parent, and you don’t want to completely cut ties. If you must keep interacting with them, then you should start finding ways to do it without losing your own mind.

Whatever the circumstances, use this tactic and watch them nearly bite their tongue in half just to prove you wrong! Enjoy it!

Covert Narcissism is the Invisible Abuse

Covert narcissistic abuse is a hidden abuse. It is invisible to the world around us. Our family and friends don't see it. Our neighbors don't see it. Our churches don't see it. Our therapists don't see it. The courts don't see it. And way too often, the victims don't see it either.  It is a gradual stealing of your right and ability to matter in this world. It is such tiny steps that it is not seen by the victim for years, decades or even a lifetime. It is a slow and subtle removal of your boundaries. One by one over time you give them away. "Why do you close the door when you go to the bathroom? Are you hiding from me?"  "Why do you do things with your friend? Don't you like doing things with me?"  "Why are you wearing that?" "Why do you say things that way?”

Their words start chipping away at your confidence and security as an individual. You begin checking everything you do against what they will think or say. Your mind becomes occupied with your abuser. The damage being done is all inside you. It is internal.

"What will he say if I tell him I want to go out with my friend?"

"How will he react if I say it this way or that way?"

"I shouldn't do this or that because it might upset him."

You start defending yourself and walking on eggshells and don't even realize it. You're defending things that you should never have to explain or defend. Things that to everyone else are just a normal part of spontaneous life.

But there is no such thing as spontaneous life with a narcissistic abuser. You can't do anything spontaneous anymore. Everything has to be questioned, checked, analyzed. How will he take it? What will he say? How will he react?

Your mind is going a million miles per hour. Your guard is up, and you are protecting yourself against this person who should be your greatest supporter.  You doubt yourself. You measure every action you make against what they will think of you or what they will say or what they will accuse you of. Defending yourself makes you look guilty and desperate. Defending yourself makes you feel guilty and desperate.  Their thoughts, opinions, and feelings now matter more to you than your own. You are slowly being stripped of your ability to matter even to yourself. Your world gets smaller and smaller.  When you try to explain yourself to them, they take such great offense at your attempts. "Why are you being so defensive? I was just asking a simple question. Geez, you're so sensitive!" Now you feel guilty for even responding to them when all you were trying to do was explain yourself. You are now in an impossible situation. You either do everything you think they want exactly as they want it, which is impossible, or you continue to get "put in your place." And NO ONE ELSE SEES IT!!

Setting Boundaries in Toxic Relationships

Setting boundaries is a skill that you must develop when dealing with a narcissist! It is a skill you need to have anyways, but the need for it is more prominent in toxic relationships.

Narcissists and other toxic personalities will take extreme advantage of anyone who shows the smallest sign of weakness in their boundaries.

What type of boundaries am I talking about?

• Having space to safely express your own thoughts and feelings

• Being able to disagree without major issues

• Being free to go visit with a friend or family if you want

• Not feeling obligated to explain yourself or defend yourself on everything

• Feeling comfortable expressing your own likes and dislikes, and pursuing them

To build the skills of boundary setting, don't start with the hardest person you have in your life. Do not start by trying to set boundaries with your toxic partner or toxic parent. Because our boundaries are being obliterated by that toxic person, this person is our focus. We begin our journey by trying to establish boundaries with him/her. This is the same as a brand new driver choosing to start learning by jumping on a high-speed interstate at night in the rain. The safer approach is to learn to drive on lower speed roads in daylight and good weather.

So start building your boundary skills in easier scenarios and more cooperative relationships first. Express your thoughts and feelings with your friends, family and co-workers, even if you believe they will disagree. It is okay to disagree and still be good. Give voice to your own likes and dislikes whether others agree or not. Let go of that feeling that you have to explain yourself or defend yourself. You do not! You are simply allowed to have opinions and preferences.

As you become more skilled in boundary setting and self-expressing, you will feel more confident in doing this with the narcissists in your life! Be patient with yourself as you go. Learning new skills takes time and effort.

To learn more about how to help your kids set boundaries, watch the Q&A video with Renee Swanson here.

Check out her book Parenting with a Toxic Partner here. Get 3 free bonuses when you purchase the ebook. If you buy the paperback on Amazon, let her know at renee@covertnarcissism.com. She will send you the free bonuses if you submit a screenshot of your receipt.

Covert narcissists...Do they mean the harm or not?

Narcissists all seem to have some common ground, like they all took the same class. Yet they still come in different shapes and sizes.

Many victims find themselves stuck, asking themselves over and over, “Is he/she really a narcissist? Or “Do they mean to hurt me?”

Many victims have been with very malignant narcissists...the ones that are in your face yelling, cussing, striking you, choking you, and so on. While others have been with the covert passive aggressive narcissist. These ones are not so obvious. They might not ever raise their voice or their hand in anger. So how can they actually be a narcissist???

Something to remember:

"One doesn't have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient."  Charles M. Blow

I made so many excuses for my ex while we were married. I truly believe that he did not mean to harm us. He never struck me or even threatened to. He never cussed at me or called me mean names. Yet he did SO much damage to me and our boys.

Many narcs do mean to inflict harm and pain, but not all. In my situation, he was not a malicious person. 

I hear victims say that they believe their abuser doesn't mean to harm them. I believe what they are saying because I lived it....for multiple decades. In these situations, we end up in a quandary. How can I leave him when I believe that he doesn't mean to harm me?

Being a narcissistic person is limited to only those who lash out in violent rages. A covert narcissist holds the same internal characteristics as the more violent narcissists. However, they have learned that the aggressive and overt behaviors are not acceptable to the types of people they wish to be around and even date. Their internal rage comes out in much more subtle ways. One of these ways is through invalidation.

Invalidation is an extremely damaging form of emotional abuse, whether they intend it or not. Do not overlook it or take it lightly. His absence of empathy and understanding caused him to invalidate us over and over. Our feelings were rejected and diminished every single day. He robbed us of our right to matter in this world, his world and even our own.

You simply don’t actually matter to them, and they communicate this to you through their words, looks, body language, and even silence. Through their little subtle ways of communication, you feel like a nothing in their world. They tell you that you matter, but their way of treating you tells you exactly the opposite. Whether they mean to hurt you or not simply doesn’t matter. Abuse is abuse and abuse is wrong!

So what do you do? Is this abuse? Does it justify walking away? Maybe it isn’t all that bad. Emotional abuse is just as bad as if he/she punched your lights out, whether they mean it or not. Yes, you can stand up for your feelings, and you can leave, even if you believe that he/she does not intend the harm. Your feelings matter!! Your opinions count!!

“Moving on isn’t about not loving someone anymore and forgetting them. It’s about having the strength to say I still love you but you’re not worth this pain.”  Collen Kimbro

Life with a Narcissist: An Exhaustion Like No Other

My 18-year old son recently said to me, "Mom, no marriage is perfect and no individual is perfect. Sure. And if only you had done "XYZ...ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVW" then maybe your marriage to dad could have possibly worked. But he couldn't even do "A" so there is no way that this is your fault."

He hit it on the head! I wore every letter of the alphabet out and even moved into the Greek alphabet next. I tried to talk this way or that way, tried these words or those words, tried being better in every way I could imagine, tried to care more, tried to care less, and so on. Yet no matter what I tried, year after year, it simply didn't matter. I was continuously getting hurt, and my husband simply could not understand why or take any responsibility for it.

What happened to step A?

A narcissistic person can not even do step A to help the relationship emotionally. Not even a tiny step. They cannot acknowledge that anything is their fault, so they have nothing that they need to do differently. So why is it that when we are with a narcissistic partner who can't even handle doing step A, we still feel so determined that we can fix this? Why is it our job and our responsibility?

Let's compare this to helping a young child learn to tie their shoe. First you show them how. Then you help them through the beginning step. You start the process with them. But this particular youngster doesn't seem to want to learn. They pretend to try to do it, kind of, sort of. Then they fumble their fingers together in frustration, saying, “I can't.” To you, it is clear that they aren’t even trying. Yet when you say to them, “You didn’t even try,” they sharply respond, “I did too!” This is now an impossible standstill. After making a few more efforts, you just tie their shoe for them. It's easier, quicker, and less frustrating.The child doesn't mind either. It's easier and less frustrating for them too.

Relationships with narcissistic people are like this. You try to connect with them, but it just doesn't happen. You try to explain how their words or attitudes hurt you. They make some pretend efforts with the clumsiness of a youngster that won't tie their own shoes. You keep trying to help them understand, but inevitably it doesn’t work. Their efforts at minimal, at best. When you tell them, “You didn’t even try,” they quickly retort, “I did too!” The victim role quickly follows, leaving you trapped in a circular conversation from hell.

So why do we try so hard to fix it for them?

It is the only way we can keep our sanity. We sweep everything under the rug, keep our mouths shut, and suffer quietly to ourselves. It is easier, quicker and less frustrating. But there is more to it than that. We carry traits that make us extremely susceptible to narcissistic abuse. These are not bad traits to have but can lead to much frustration.

Common traits of abuse victims

• Willingness to overlook faults in others

• Belief in the goodness of others

• Belief in forgiveness and willingness to turn the other cheek

• Willingness to put the needs of others above our own

Again, these are not bad traits to have! These are the sort of things we teach our kids because we want them to be good people. We not only do these things, but we truly believe that they are the right thing to do. There is nothing wrong with that! I live by these traits, and I don’t ever desire to change that. I have learned, though, to set boundaries with these traits and to make myself a priority too.

While I am willing to overlook the faults in others, I overlook them in myself too. While I believe in the goodness of others, I believe in the goodness in me too. While I offer forgiveness to others, I offer it to myself too. While I am often willing to put the needs of others above my own, I now have times where my own needs come first. This is time for me, so that I can become healthier and stronger in compassion. After all, if I am a beaten down mess, I sure don’t have much to offer to this world. I take better care of my own heart now than I ever have before!

Two Simple and Effective Tools for Healing the Pain of Narcissistic Abuse

Do you feel that narcissism is everywhere? The red flags of narcissistic abuse are all around us. Even the very word “narcissism” is plastered all over the internet. We are seeing the effects of the abuse in ourselves, our kids, other family members, our friends, and so on. Even our pets  feel the power of the negativity in the home.

Okay, so now we see the abuse. We feel the pain. Now what? I am often asked, “How do we heal?” If we cannot heal, there is a strong chance that we will walk right back into another abusive relationship. The cycle is incredibly powerful and has so very many people trapped. I hear so many victims say, “How could I have let it happen to me again?!?”

The key is in our healing. Without healing, we remain victims, and victims continue to get caught and trapped.

In my own personal healing process, I have found two very effective tools for processing the deep emotions and generating the power of healing. I call the two tools Emotional Burn and Imagination Burst. They go hand-in-hand and work extremely well with each other.

Emotional Burn

It is very important that you do this step in a safe and peaceful environment. I do this in my own bedroom. I turn on some calm and quiet music. I turn on my salt lamp and essential oils diffuser. Lavender oil is amazing for a peaceful environment. I sit with my favorite meditation pillow. I create a safe space, a sanctuary.

If you prefer to use an outdoor safe space, that works great as well. I like to sit amongst our magnolia trees in our backyard, listening to the cardinals sing, and feeling the warmth of the sunshine. Do not underestimate the power of your surroundings. Use them to help soothe your emotions.

Once you have created a safe environment for yourself, take a specific memory that is weighing heavy on your heart. One that still causes your stomach to drop. One that causes all of your insides to scream. I found it helpful to have previously created a list of these suffocating memories. Allow yourself to feel the intense and horrible feelings that go with that memory. Give yourself permission to feel the pain, the anger, the hurt, the anxiety, the despair. These are NORMAL reactions to what you have experienced, to the way you were treated. Tell yourself that it is okay that you felt, and perhaps still feel, this way. Allow those feelings to burn.

Picture a candle. Some candles are bigger than others. But no matter how big the candle is, someday it will run out of wick and no longer have the ability to burn. Your pain from these stubborn memories is the same way. Some have longer wicks than others. But over time, they all will burn out. If you never light a candle though, it will not burn out. If you don’t light your own internal candle, these feelings will never burn away. They will remain locked inside you, and I promise they will affect you and your future relationships. You have to allow them to burn in order for them to fade away.

I want to re-emphasize that you should do this exercise in a safe environment where you have the space needed to let the feelings out. It is best for me to do this alone in my own home, where I can feel safe with intense emotions. If embracing those memories alone is too overwhelming for you, that’s okay. Do this exercise with a trusted loved one or a therapist. Even a loving pet can be the therapeutic support you need. Over time, you will get emotionally stronger.

Knowing the Purpose of the Pain

When we place our hand on a hot burner, a seething pain shoots through our body. That pain serves a very important purpose. If we ignore it, we will be badly injured. Pain protects us and keeps us safe. It is not a bad thing, but is rather extremely useful to us. It causes us to quickly remove our hand, before thought even happens. Without that pain, we would leave our hand there not realizing that it was burning.

The same is true with emotional pain. It is not a bad thing. Without it, we lose ourselves, our soul, our identity, our genuineness. The pain is what tells us that something is truly wrong. It tells us that we need to pay attention and remove ourselves from the situation. Embrace that pain and allow it to communicate with you. It is in that pain that you will find yourself again.

Imagination Burst

The other extremely useful tool is Imagination Burst. Your own imagination is very effective in dealing with all the pain. The approach of this tool may seem contradictory to the Emotional Burn. It definitely is not though! You see, if you stay with those intense emotions burning all the time, you will exhaust yourself and go crazy. You simply cannot maintain that emotional burn for long-term. You need to purposefully take a break from it. This is that break!

I want you to use your imagination and imagine what it would be like if none of that abuse actually happened to you. Imagine who you would be right now if you had not gone through all of this. What would you be doing? What would you be thinking? Who would you be? How would you be spending your time and energy?

Do not confuse this with trying to live in denial. You are not trying to convince yourself that none of the abuse happened. You know without a doubt all the abuse that you have suffered. This is using your imagination to your advantage, to push you to better places. It is consciously taking a break from all the hard work of processing the emotions and looking at your life outside of them. Yes do the work, but you must allow your heart and mind to rest and enjoy who you are.

Create a Cycle

Both the Emotional Burn and the Imagination Burst are needed in the healing process. Get into a cycle of using both tools. There is no one right way to use these. So experiment with them. I will share my favorite way to use them.

The two tools complement each other extremely well. As you do the work of the Emotional Burn, the Imagination Burst will give you more of a picture of who you want to be as the hard work pays off. Rather than doing the Emotional Burn with no direction, this gives you a target, a goal, inspiration, and hope. It helps you to see that you will make it through this, and there is life and happiness after emotional abuse!

A Night-time Routine

Every night before I go to bed, I use both of these tools. I create the environment I mentioned earlier with peaceful music, a salt lamp, essential oils and a meditation pillow. Sometimes I even light a candle. Get creative with your environment and find what works for you.

After creating your safe space, start with the Emotional Burn. Take one of the memories that weighs heavy on your heart. Bring it fully to mind, remembering what happened, what was said, what you thought, and how you felt. As you stay with this memory, notice how you feel. Some of these feelings are crazy powerful and overwhelming. That’s okay. Remind yourself that you are in this safe environment. When you feel overwhelmed, take a moment and notice what you hear, see and smell. Listen to the music or the birds, see the peaceful salt lamp or the warm sunshine, smell the essential oils or fresh air. Remember you are safe.

Continue with the Emotional Burn. Remind yourself often that these are normal emotional reactions to a horrible situation. Give yourself permission to feel this way. If you need to cry, then cry. If you need to scream, then scream. If you need to just sit and shake, then sit and shake. Remember that it is okay and that you are safe. Allow this process to continue until you feel some of the power of those emotions die away. Watch them go up in smoke and simply let them go.

When you feel it is time, shift to Imagination Burst. Imagine what life would be like if this particular event had not happened. Remember you are not trying to convince yourself that it did not happen. You are just imagining the what-if. Embrace the feelings that come from the relief. Give yourself permission to enjoy these feelings. Allow these feelings to replace the painful feelings that just went up in smoke. The peacefulness is very welcome and appreciated. Think of it as a reward for the hard work of the Emotional Burn. Enjoy the reward!

Experiment with these two tools and find some ways to make them work for you. The Emotional Burn can be quite intense, so I think it is best to follow it with an activity that brings you back to a happier place. This is why I found it useful to go straight into Imagination Burst, but you can space them out more if you want.

Other things you could use to follow the Emotional Burn are cuddling with a pet, going for a walk, spending time with a good friend, reading a good book, gardening, a bubble bath, other forms of meditation. Purposefully plan to follow it up with something that is healing to your soul.

The Imagination Burst can be used anytime and does not need to be only in a safe environment. I have found it to be very effective when I also use it for a few minutes in the morning. It is an extremely inspiring way to start the day!

This is Your Healing

True healing can only come from within you. NO ONE can do it for you. Those close to you can love you and support you, but they cannot do any of this for you. This is your journey! Embrace it. Allow it to make you stronger, freer, and happier. Remember, you are stronger than you think you are!

Know that you are not alone. Thousands and more are making this same journey with you. Too many endure the pain alone. They hide in fear. Slowly our world is becoming a safer place for our voices to be heard. Our world is waking up to the suffering we have endured. Yes you have to do the work for yourself, but you no longer have to suffer alone!