Narcissists all seem to have some common ground, like they all took the same class. Yet they still come in different shapes and sizes.
Many victims find themselves stuck, asking themselves over and over, “Is he/she really a narcissist? Or “Do they mean to hurt me?”
Many victims have been with very malignant narcissists...the ones that are in your face yelling, cussing, striking you, choking you, and so on. While others have been with the covert passive aggressive narcissist. These ones are not so obvious. They might not ever raise their voice or their hand in anger. So how can they actually be a narcissist???
Something to remember:
"One doesn't have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient." Charles M. Blow
I made so many excuses for my ex while we were married. I truly believe that he did not mean to harm us. He never struck me or even threatened to. He never cussed at me or called me mean names. Yet he did SO much damage to me and our boys.
Many narcs do mean to inflict harm and pain, but not all. In my situation, he was not a malicious person.
I hear victims say that they believe their abuser doesn't mean to harm them. I believe what they are saying because I lived it....for multiple decades. In these situations, we end up in a quandary. How can I leave him when I believe that he doesn't mean to harm me?
Being a narcissistic person is limited to only those who lash out in violent rages. A covert narcissist holds the same internal characteristics as the more violent narcissists. However, they have learned that the aggressive and overt behaviors are not acceptable to the types of people they wish to be around and even date. Their internal rage comes out in much more subtle ways. One of these ways is through invalidation.
Invalidation is an extremely damaging form of emotional abuse, whether they intend it or not. Do not overlook it or take it lightly. His absence of empathy and understanding caused him to invalidate us over and over. Our feelings were rejected and diminished every single day. He robbed us of our right to matter in this world, his world and even our own.
You simply don’t actually matter to them, and they communicate this to you through their words, looks, body language, and even silence. Through their little subtle ways of communication, you feel like a nothing in their world. They tell you that you matter, but their way of treating you tells you exactly the opposite. Whether they mean to hurt you or not simply doesn’t matter. Abuse is abuse and abuse is wrong!
So what do you do? Is this abuse? Does it justify walking away? Maybe it isn’t all that bad. Emotional abuse is just as bad as if he/she punched your lights out, whether they mean it or not. Yes, you can stand up for your feelings, and you can leave, even if you believe that he/she does not intend the harm. Your feelings matter!! Your opinions count!!
“Moving on isn’t about not loving someone anymore and forgetting them. It’s about having the strength to say I still love you but you’re not worth this pain.” Collen Kimbro