I Didn’t Know the Words But I Knew the Feeling: Making Sense of Covert Narcissistic Abuse
You don’t need to know the word gaslighting to know what it feels like.
You don’t have to understand the term circular conversation to recognize when a discussion leaves you dizzy, drained, and doubting yourself.
I lived with covert narcissistic abuse for years before I had the language to name it. And in that time, I knew the feelings long before I knew the words.
The Countless Nights of Trying to “Get It Right”
I can still see myself—sitting on the couch late at night after another failed attempt at communication.
I’d replay the conversation over and over, trying to find the exact moment I must have gone wrong.
Why can’t I find the right words?
Why does everything I say come out wrong?
Why does he never seem to understand what I mean?
I’d promise myself that next time, I’d be calmer. More understanding. Better at explaining. But “next time” always ended the same—misunderstandings, accusations, and the same lonely feeling of being unheard.
It wasn’t about finding the right words. It was about living with someone who made sure no words would ever be “right.”
Gaslighting: “I Never Said That”
One of the clearest signs of covert narcissistic abuse is gaslighting—though I didn’t know that term back then.
I’d bring up something hurtful he said, and he’d respond instantly: “I never said that.”
But I knew he had. I remembered exactly where we were, what he was wearing, the tone of his voice. Still, I’d find myself desperately trying to prove it—replaying every detail in my head until I felt dizzy.
Gaslighting isn’t just about lying—it’s about making you question your own reality. And without the word for it, I just called it “going crazy.”
Circular Conversations: The Emotional Maze
I’d come into a conversation wanting resolution. But within minutes, the topic would shift.
Suddenly, we were talking about my flaws, or something I did years ago, or how I was “too sensitive.” I’d keep trying to bring it back to my point, but the conversation would spin out again.
An hour later, I’d often be apologizing—without even knowing exactly what for. And the original issue? Never addressed.
Circular conversations are designed to confuse and exhaust, leaving you feeling like you’re the problem.
Moving Goalposts: The Game You Can’t Win
This one was constant.
If I showed more affection, I was “smothering.” If I gave him space, I was “cold.” If I asked questions, I was “interrogating.” If I didn’t, I “didn’t care.”
The rules kept changing so I could never win. I thought I was chasing harmony—but really, I was playing a game where “enough” was never the goal.
Walking on Eggshells: Disappearing in Your Own Life
I’d heard the phrase before, but I never thought it applied to me.
But my life was full of subtle adjustments. Listening for the sound of his keys hitting the counter to gauge his mood. Choosing my words carefully. Avoiding certain topics entirely. Even my footsteps and laughter got quieter.
I told myself I was keeping the peace. In reality, I was shrinking to avoid setting off his reactions. That’s the real cost of walking on eggshells—you disappear a little more each day.
Why Language Matters in Healing
This podcast, my work, and my writing are not about diagnosing or labeling someone as a covert narcissist.
They’re about giving you the words to describe what you’ve been through. Words that validate your experiences. Words that help you make sense of the confusion, the self-doubt, and the hurt.
Because when you’ve lived in a fog for years, language becomes oxygen. And once you can name it, you can finally start to heal.
