I Didn’t Know the Words, But I Knew the Feeling of Covert Narcissism

There were countless nights I sat on the couch in silence, staring into the quiet, trying to figure out why I couldn’t communicate with him.

I would replay conversations like a broken record, searching for the exact moment I must have gone wrong. Why couldn’t I find the right words? Why did everything I said get twisted? Why did nothing ever land the way I intended?

I told myself that next time would be different. Next time, I’d be calmer, more patient, more understanding. Next time, I’d explain it better.

But next time always ended the same.

No matter how gentle, compassionate, or careful I was, he’d turn my words around. He’d zero in on one phrase and twist it into the entire issue. He’d accuse me of being too sensitive, or remind me of all the ways I had failed him in the past.

And I’d end up right back on that couch—confused, frustrated, doubting myself, and utterly exhausted.

What I didn’t know then was this: I wasn’t failing at communication. I was trying to build connection with someone who didn’t want a real, mutual, honest conversation. I thought I was searching for the right words, but what I was really searching for was a safe place to connect—something I was never going to get.

And that’s why I want to share this truth: I didn’t have the words for what was happening, but I knew how it felt.

When You Don’t Know the Words, But You Know the Feeling

Like so many survivors of covert narcissistic abuse, I didn’t know the terms at first.

• I didn’t know the word gaslighting, but I knew the spinning confusion and desperate need to prove myself.

• I didn’t know circular conversation, but I knew the exhaustion of talking in circles until my head hurt.

• I didn’t know moving goalposts, but I knew the pain of never being able to get it right.

• I didn’t know walking on eggshells, but I knew the constant tension of holding my breath in my own home.

For years, I thought I was the problem—that if I could just explain myself better, everything would be okay. But here’s what I finally realized: it was never about finding the “right” words. It was about living with someone who made sure no words would ever be right.

Naming these tactics isn’t about labeling the other person. It’s about reclaiming your story and validating what you’ve lived through.

Gaslighting — “I Never Said That”

Gaslighting is more than lying—it’s rewriting reality right in front of you and demanding that you go along with it.

I remember vividly: I’d bring up something he had clearly said, and he’d respond with, “I never said that.” My stomach would drop, my head would spin, and suddenly I’d be second-guessing myself even though I knew the truth.

Instead of mutual honesty, I hit a brick wall of certainty: “I always remember what I said. You’re wrong.”

The result? I learned to back down for peace. That’s the cost of gaslighting—it steals your trust in your own reality.

Circular Conversations — The Emotional Maze

I thought I was having a real conversation, but instead I was walking into a maze with no exit.

I’d bring up something important, but within minutes, the topic shifted—suddenly it was about my tone, my supposed misunderstanding, or something I did years ago.

Every attempt to circle back only made it worse. By the end, I was drained, apologizing just to end the tension. And the original issue? It vanished into thin air, unresolved.

That’s the cruelty of circular conversations. They’re not about resolution. They’re about control.

Moving Goalposts — “If I Could Just Get It Right…”

Living with moving goalposts feels like chasing a target that keeps changing:

• Show affection? You’re smothering.

• Give space? You’re cold.

• Ask questions? You’re interrogating.

• Stay quiet? You don’t care.

No matter what you do, it’s never enough. And so you keep chasing, thinking if you could just find the formula, things would finally be okay.

But the truth is, enough was never the goal. The goal was to keep you scrambling, doubting yourself, and believing you were the problem.

Walking on Eggshells — When Peace Becomes a Performance

At first, I didn’t connect the phrase “walking on eggshells” to my own marriage. But looking back, that’s exactly what I was doing.

I learned to monitor every mood, every sigh, every tone. If his keys clattered on the counter a certain way, I knew not to bring up bills. If his answers were short, I knew to keep my stories to myself.

I thought I was being considerate. The truth? I was performing peace to avoid conflict.

Walking on eggshells isn’t just about avoiding blowups. It’s about disappearing in your own home so someone else can take up all the space.

Why Language Matters in Healing

Here’s why naming these tactics matters:

• It validates your reality.

• It helps you connect the dots.

• It frees you from believing you’re the problem.

When you finally have the words, it’s like oxygen. You can breathe again. You can say, “I wasn’t crazy. I wasn’t dramatic. I was manipulated.”

Language doesn’t just describe what happened—it liberates you.

The Power of Language — Not to Label Them, But to Free You

This isn’t about diagnosing your partner or obsessing over labels. Healing doesn’t come from naming them—it comes from reclaiming you.

The language of covert narcissistic abuse is not a weapon. It’s a lifeline. It gives form to the fog. It gives you the ability to tell your story in a way that makes sense.

For so long, you may have been drowning in feelings you couldn’t explain. But now? Now you have the words. Not to attack. Not to label. But to speak your truth. And that’s where healing begins.

Closing Thoughts

You didn’t need the words back then to know the truth. You felt it.

But now that you have them, you get to rewrite the story. You get to connect the dots, reclaim your voice, and walk forward with clarity.

You are not alone. You are not crazy. And this knowing—this naming—is where healing truly begins.

✅ If this resonates with you, know that your story matters. You deserve to be heard without judgment. If you’re ready to take the next step in your healing, check out my coaching services. And don’t forget to subscribe to the mailing list for more empowering content like this.