Covert Narcissism is the Invisible Abuse

Covert narcissistic abuse is a hidden abuse. It is invisible to the world around us. Our family and friends don't see it. Our neighbors don't see it. Our churches don't see it. Our therapists don't see it. The courts don't see it. And way too often, the victims don't see it either.  It is a gradual stealing of your right and ability to matter in this world. It is such tiny steps that it is not seen by the victim for years, decades or even a lifetime. It is a slow and subtle removal of your boundaries. One by one over time you give them away. "Why do you close the door when you go to the bathroom? Are you hiding from me?"  "Why do you do things with your friend? Don't you like doing things with me?"  "Why are you wearing that?" "Why do you say things that way?”

Their words start chipping away at your confidence and security as an individual. You begin checking everything you do against what they will think or say. Your mind becomes occupied with your abuser. The damage being done is all inside you. It is internal.

"What will he say if I tell him I want to go out with my friend?"

"How will he react if I say it this way or that way?"

"I shouldn't do this or that because it might upset him."

You start defending yourself and walking on eggshells and don't even realize it. You're defending things that you should never have to explain or defend. Things that to everyone else are just a normal part of spontaneous life.

But there is no such thing as spontaneous life with a narcissistic abuser. You can't do anything spontaneous anymore. Everything has to be questioned, checked, analyzed. How will he take it? What will he say? How will he react?

Your mind is going a million miles per hour. Your guard is up, and you are protecting yourself against this person who should be your greatest supporter.  You doubt yourself. You measure every action you make against what they will think of you or what they will say or what they will accuse you of. Defending yourself makes you look guilty and desperate. Defending yourself makes you feel guilty and desperate.  Their thoughts, opinions, and feelings now matter more to you than your own. You are slowly being stripped of your ability to matter even to yourself. Your world gets smaller and smaller.  When you try to explain yourself to them, they take such great offense at your attempts. "Why are you being so defensive? I was just asking a simple question. Geez, you're so sensitive!" Now you feel guilty for even responding to them when all you were trying to do was explain yourself. You are now in an impossible situation. You either do everything you think they want exactly as they want it, which is impossible, or you continue to get "put in your place." And NO ONE ELSE SEES IT!!

Setting Boundaries in Toxic Relationships

Setting boundaries is a skill that you must develop when dealing with a narcissist! It is a skill you need to have anyways, but the need for it is more prominent in toxic relationships.

Narcissists and other toxic personalities will take extreme advantage of anyone who shows the smallest sign of weakness in their boundaries.

What type of boundaries am I talking about?

• Having space to safely express your own thoughts and feelings

• Being able to disagree without major issues

• Being free to go visit with a friend or family if you want

• Not feeling obligated to explain yourself or defend yourself on everything

• Feeling comfortable expressing your own likes and dislikes, and pursuing them

To build the skills of boundary setting, don't start with the hardest person you have in your life. Do not start by trying to set boundaries with your toxic partner or toxic parent. Because our boundaries are being obliterated by that toxic person, this person is our focus. We begin our journey by trying to establish boundaries with him/her. This is the same as a brand new driver choosing to start learning by jumping on a high-speed interstate at night in the rain. The safer approach is to learn to drive on lower speed roads in daylight and good weather.

So start building your boundary skills in easier scenarios and more cooperative relationships first. Express your thoughts and feelings with your friends, family and co-workers, even if you believe they will disagree. It is okay to disagree and still be good. Give voice to your own likes and dislikes whether others agree or not. Let go of that feeling that you have to explain yourself or defend yourself. You do not! You are simply allowed to have opinions and preferences.

As you become more skilled in boundary setting and self-expressing, you will feel more confident in doing this with the narcissists in your life! Be patient with yourself as you go. Learning new skills takes time and effort.

To learn more about how to help your kids set boundaries, watch the Q&A video with Renee Swanson here.

Check out her book Parenting with a Toxic Partner here. Get 3 free bonuses when you purchase the ebook. If you buy the paperback on Amazon, let her know at renee@covertnarcissism.com. She will send you the free bonuses if you submit a screenshot of your receipt.

Covert narcissists...Do they mean the harm or not?

Narcissists all seem to have some common ground, like they all took the same class. Yet they still come in different shapes and sizes.

Many victims find themselves stuck, asking themselves over and over, “Is he/she really a narcissist? Or “Do they mean to hurt me?”

Many victims have been with very malignant narcissists...the ones that are in your face yelling, cussing, striking you, choking you, and so on. While others have been with the covert passive aggressive narcissist. These ones are not so obvious. They might not ever raise their voice or their hand in anger. So how can they actually be a narcissist???

Something to remember:

"One doesn't have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient."  Charles M. Blow

I made so many excuses for my ex while we were married. I truly believe that he did not mean to harm us. He never struck me or even threatened to. He never cussed at me or called me mean names. Yet he did SO much damage to me and our boys.

Many narcs do mean to inflict harm and pain, but not all. In my situation, he was not a malicious person. 

I hear victims say that they believe their abuser doesn't mean to harm them. I believe what they are saying because I lived it....for multiple decades. In these situations, we end up in a quandary. How can I leave him when I believe that he doesn't mean to harm me?

Being a narcissistic person is limited to only those who lash out in violent rages. A covert narcissist holds the same internal characteristics as the more violent narcissists. However, they have learned that the aggressive and overt behaviors are not acceptable to the types of people they wish to be around and even date. Their internal rage comes out in much more subtle ways. One of these ways is through invalidation.

Invalidation is an extremely damaging form of emotional abuse, whether they intend it or not. Do not overlook it or take it lightly. His absence of empathy and understanding caused him to invalidate us over and over. Our feelings were rejected and diminished every single day. He robbed us of our right to matter in this world, his world and even our own.

You simply don’t actually matter to them, and they communicate this to you through their words, looks, body language, and even silence. Through their little subtle ways of communication, you feel like a nothing in their world. They tell you that you matter, but their way of treating you tells you exactly the opposite. Whether they mean to hurt you or not simply doesn’t matter. Abuse is abuse and abuse is wrong!

So what do you do? Is this abuse? Does it justify walking away? Maybe it isn’t all that bad. Emotional abuse is just as bad as if he/she punched your lights out, whether they mean it or not. Yes, you can stand up for your feelings, and you can leave, even if you believe that he/she does not intend the harm. Your feelings matter!! Your opinions count!!

“Moving on isn’t about not loving someone anymore and forgetting them. It’s about having the strength to say I still love you but you’re not worth this pain.”  Collen Kimbro

Life with a Narcissist: An Exhaustion Like No Other

My 18-year old son recently said to me, "Mom, no marriage is perfect and no individual is perfect. Sure. And if only you had done "XYZ...ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVW" then maybe your marriage to dad could have possibly worked. But he couldn't even do "A" so there is no way that this is your fault."

He hit it on the head! I wore every letter of the alphabet out and even moved into the Greek alphabet next. I tried to talk this way or that way, tried these words or those words, tried being better in every way I could imagine, tried to care more, tried to care less, and so on. Yet no matter what I tried, year after year, it simply didn't matter. I was continuously getting hurt, and my husband simply could not understand why or take any responsibility for it.

What happened to step A?

A narcissistic person can not even do step A to help the relationship emotionally. Not even a tiny step. They cannot acknowledge that anything is their fault, so they have nothing that they need to do differently. So why is it that when we are with a narcissistic partner who can't even handle doing step A, we still feel so determined that we can fix this? Why is it our job and our responsibility?

Let's compare this to helping a young child learn to tie their shoe. First you show them how. Then you help them through the beginning step. You start the process with them. But this particular youngster doesn't seem to want to learn. They pretend to try to do it, kind of, sort of. Then they fumble their fingers together in frustration, saying, “I can't.” To you, it is clear that they aren’t even trying. Yet when you say to them, “You didn’t even try,” they sharply respond, “I did too!” This is now an impossible standstill. After making a few more efforts, you just tie their shoe for them. It's easier, quicker, and less frustrating.The child doesn't mind either. It's easier and less frustrating for them too.

Relationships with narcissistic people are like this. You try to connect with them, but it just doesn't happen. You try to explain how their words or attitudes hurt you. They make some pretend efforts with the clumsiness of a youngster that won't tie their own shoes. You keep trying to help them understand, but inevitably it doesn’t work. Their efforts at minimal, at best. When you tell them, “You didn’t even try,” they quickly retort, “I did too!” The victim role quickly follows, leaving you trapped in a circular conversation from hell.

So why do we try so hard to fix it for them?

It is the only way we can keep our sanity. We sweep everything under the rug, keep our mouths shut, and suffer quietly to ourselves. It is easier, quicker and less frustrating. But there is more to it than that. We carry traits that make us extremely susceptible to narcissistic abuse. These are not bad traits to have but can lead to much frustration.

Common traits of abuse victims

• Willingness to overlook faults in others

• Belief in the goodness of others

• Belief in forgiveness and willingness to turn the other cheek

• Willingness to put the needs of others above our own

Again, these are not bad traits to have! These are the sort of things we teach our kids because we want them to be good people. We not only do these things, but we truly believe that they are the right thing to do. There is nothing wrong with that! I live by these traits, and I don’t ever desire to change that. I have learned, though, to set boundaries with these traits and to make myself a priority too.

While I am willing to overlook the faults in others, I overlook them in myself too. While I believe in the goodness of others, I believe in the goodness in me too. While I offer forgiveness to others, I offer it to myself too. While I am often willing to put the needs of others above my own, I now have times where my own needs come first. This is time for me, so that I can become healthier and stronger in compassion. After all, if I am a beaten down mess, I sure don’t have much to offer to this world. I take better care of my own heart now than I ever have before!

Two Simple and Effective Tools for Healing the Pain of Narcissistic Abuse

Do you feel that narcissism is everywhere? The red flags of narcissistic abuse are all around us. Even the very word “narcissism” is plastered all over the internet. We are seeing the effects of the abuse in ourselves, our kids, other family members, our friends, and so on. Even our pets  feel the power of the negativity in the home.

Okay, so now we see the abuse. We feel the pain. Now what? I am often asked, “How do we heal?” If we cannot heal, there is a strong chance that we will walk right back into another abusive relationship. The cycle is incredibly powerful and has so very many people trapped. I hear so many victims say, “How could I have let it happen to me again?!?”

The key is in our healing. Without healing, we remain victims, and victims continue to get caught and trapped.

In my own personal healing process, I have found two very effective tools for processing the deep emotions and generating the power of healing. I call the two tools Emotional Burn and Imagination Burst. They go hand-in-hand and work extremely well with each other.

Emotional Burn

It is very important that you do this step in a safe and peaceful environment. I do this in my own bedroom. I turn on some calm and quiet music. I turn on my salt lamp and essential oils diffuser. Lavender oil is amazing for a peaceful environment. I sit with my favorite meditation pillow. I create a safe space, a sanctuary.

If you prefer to use an outdoor safe space, that works great as well. I like to sit amongst our magnolia trees in our backyard, listening to the cardinals sing, and feeling the warmth of the sunshine. Do not underestimate the power of your surroundings. Use them to help soothe your emotions.

Once you have created a safe environment for yourself, take a specific memory that is weighing heavy on your heart. One that still causes your stomach to drop. One that causes all of your insides to scream. I found it helpful to have previously created a list of these suffocating memories. Allow yourself to feel the intense and horrible feelings that go with that memory. Give yourself permission to feel the pain, the anger, the hurt, the anxiety, the despair. These are NORMAL reactions to what you have experienced, to the way you were treated. Tell yourself that it is okay that you felt, and perhaps still feel, this way. Allow those feelings to burn.

Picture a candle. Some candles are bigger than others. But no matter how big the candle is, someday it will run out of wick and no longer have the ability to burn. Your pain from these stubborn memories is the same way. Some have longer wicks than others. But over time, they all will burn out. If you never light a candle though, it will not burn out. If you don’t light your own internal candle, these feelings will never burn away. They will remain locked inside you, and I promise they will affect you and your future relationships. You have to allow them to burn in order for them to fade away.

I want to re-emphasize that you should do this exercise in a safe environment where you have the space needed to let the feelings out. It is best for me to do this alone in my own home, where I can feel safe with intense emotions. If embracing those memories alone is too overwhelming for you, that’s okay. Do this exercise with a trusted loved one or a therapist. Even a loving pet can be the therapeutic support you need. Over time, you will get emotionally stronger.

Knowing the Purpose of the Pain

When we place our hand on a hot burner, a seething pain shoots through our body. That pain serves a very important purpose. If we ignore it, we will be badly injured. Pain protects us and keeps us safe. It is not a bad thing, but is rather extremely useful to us. It causes us to quickly remove our hand, before thought even happens. Without that pain, we would leave our hand there not realizing that it was burning.

The same is true with emotional pain. It is not a bad thing. Without it, we lose ourselves, our soul, our identity, our genuineness. The pain is what tells us that something is truly wrong. It tells us that we need to pay attention and remove ourselves from the situation. Embrace that pain and allow it to communicate with you. It is in that pain that you will find yourself again.

Imagination Burst

The other extremely useful tool is Imagination Burst. Your own imagination is very effective in dealing with all the pain. The approach of this tool may seem contradictory to the Emotional Burn. It definitely is not though! You see, if you stay with those intense emotions burning all the time, you will exhaust yourself and go crazy. You simply cannot maintain that emotional burn for long-term. You need to purposefully take a break from it. This is that break!

I want you to use your imagination and imagine what it would be like if none of that abuse actually happened to you. Imagine who you would be right now if you had not gone through all of this. What would you be doing? What would you be thinking? Who would you be? How would you be spending your time and energy?

Do not confuse this with trying to live in denial. You are not trying to convince yourself that none of the abuse happened. You know without a doubt all the abuse that you have suffered. This is using your imagination to your advantage, to push you to better places. It is consciously taking a break from all the hard work of processing the emotions and looking at your life outside of them. Yes do the work, but you must allow your heart and mind to rest and enjoy who you are.

Create a Cycle

Both the Emotional Burn and the Imagination Burst are needed in the healing process. Get into a cycle of using both tools. There is no one right way to use these. So experiment with them. I will share my favorite way to use them.

The two tools complement each other extremely well. As you do the work of the Emotional Burn, the Imagination Burst will give you more of a picture of who you want to be as the hard work pays off. Rather than doing the Emotional Burn with no direction, this gives you a target, a goal, inspiration, and hope. It helps you to see that you will make it through this, and there is life and happiness after emotional abuse!

A Night-time Routine

Every night before I go to bed, I use both of these tools. I create the environment I mentioned earlier with peaceful music, a salt lamp, essential oils and a meditation pillow. Sometimes I even light a candle. Get creative with your environment and find what works for you.

After creating your safe space, start with the Emotional Burn. Take one of the memories that weighs heavy on your heart. Bring it fully to mind, remembering what happened, what was said, what you thought, and how you felt. As you stay with this memory, notice how you feel. Some of these feelings are crazy powerful and overwhelming. That’s okay. Remind yourself that you are in this safe environment. When you feel overwhelmed, take a moment and notice what you hear, see and smell. Listen to the music or the birds, see the peaceful salt lamp or the warm sunshine, smell the essential oils or fresh air. Remember you are safe.

Continue with the Emotional Burn. Remind yourself often that these are normal emotional reactions to a horrible situation. Give yourself permission to feel this way. If you need to cry, then cry. If you need to scream, then scream. If you need to just sit and shake, then sit and shake. Remember that it is okay and that you are safe. Allow this process to continue until you feel some of the power of those emotions die away. Watch them go up in smoke and simply let them go.

When you feel it is time, shift to Imagination Burst. Imagine what life would be like if this particular event had not happened. Remember you are not trying to convince yourself that it did not happen. You are just imagining the what-if. Embrace the feelings that come from the relief. Give yourself permission to enjoy these feelings. Allow these feelings to replace the painful feelings that just went up in smoke. The peacefulness is very welcome and appreciated. Think of it as a reward for the hard work of the Emotional Burn. Enjoy the reward!

Experiment with these two tools and find some ways to make them work for you. The Emotional Burn can be quite intense, so I think it is best to follow it with an activity that brings you back to a happier place. This is why I found it useful to go straight into Imagination Burst, but you can space them out more if you want.

Other things you could use to follow the Emotional Burn are cuddling with a pet, going for a walk, spending time with a good friend, reading a good book, gardening, a bubble bath, other forms of meditation. Purposefully plan to follow it up with something that is healing to your soul.

The Imagination Burst can be used anytime and does not need to be only in a safe environment. I have found it to be very effective when I also use it for a few minutes in the morning. It is an extremely inspiring way to start the day!

This is Your Healing

True healing can only come from within you. NO ONE can do it for you. Those close to you can love you and support you, but they cannot do any of this for you. This is your journey! Embrace it. Allow it to make you stronger, freer, and happier. Remember, you are stronger than you think you are!

Know that you are not alone. Thousands and more are making this same journey with you. Too many endure the pain alone. They hide in fear. Slowly our world is becoming a safer place for our voices to be heard. Our world is waking up to the suffering we have endured. Yes you have to do the work for yourself, but you no longer have to suffer alone!

7 Common Things the Narcissist Says to Undermine You

7 COMMON THINGS THE NARCISSIST SAYS TO UNDERMINE YOU

Narcissistic people are extremely skilled at making you doubt yourself. They can turn the most confident person in the world into a messy ball of insecurity. Without even realizing it happened! All of sudden you realize that you are doubting every thought you have, every word you say, every memory you hold, everything. Your entire reality gets extremely blurry!

I have had so many people say to me that my story sounds just like theirs. The similarities between all these different relationships are striking. So many of us could simply swap the names in the stories and tell our life history as one massive book. It is as though there is a script somewhere that narcissistic people learn, a story line that they then live out.

When you tell a narcissistic person how they are treating you, you have crossed a horrible line. They cannot accept any blame, shame, or responsibility of any kind. Nothing is EVER their fault, so you instantly become an enemy. With a covert narcissist, they will turn you into an enemy in such a subtle and manipulative way that you probably won’t even see it coming. I know I didn’t!

Here are 7 common things they say

“You didn’t let me finish what I was saying.”

When they don’t like what you are saying, this is one of the ways they shift the blame to you. It’s your fault that they didn’t communicate in a healthy and productive way. It’s your fault that they didn’t finish their thoughts.

The normal give-and-take of a conversation is impossible with a narcissistic person. My husband would sit in complete silence for several minutes, right in the middle of a “conversation.” If I spoke in that silence, I was reprimanded for interrupting him. The fact that he wasn’t speaking at the time was irrelevant. If I used that space of silence to object to some of what he was saying, then he instantly stated that I didn’t let him finish.

But there is NO finish with a narcissistic partner. They will go on and on, through countless cycles of word salad and painful silence. There is no “my turn” to talk. Anything you say is an interruption in their eyes. I found myself trying to explain, to a full-grown man, the natural flow of conversation. And of course, all of my attempts at talking were constantly interrupted and cut short.

Misunderstandings and interruptions are a normal part of every relationship. But with a narcissistic person, you never get a sense of gentleness and compassion. Reciprocity never happens. Forgiveness and understanding never appear. Meeting in the middle? What middle? There is NO middle!!

When they say that you didn’t let them finish what they were saying, this simply means that they want you to stop objecting to them, so they can go back to inflicting more damage to you and to the relationship.

“Just because I didn’t do what you wanted and when you wanted.”

This is a great one for making you feel guilty for having feelings in the first place. You instantly doubt yourself, thinking maybe you were being unreasonable and selfish. Please hear me - you are allowed to have feelings and desires! You are allowed to voice those!

When you are voicing that your feelings were hurt, a healthy person validates you. They acknowledge your feelings and express that they did not intend to hurt you. When you are voicing this to a narcissistic person, you receive immediate defensiveness. You receive no acknowledgement of your feelings and desires. In fact you are made to feel guilty for having them in the first place. Boundaries?? No way. You aren’t allowed to have boundaries.

“What about your issues?”

This was one of the main ones I heard all the time. Every time I tried to talk to him about his harshness and lack of empathy, it always circled around to this statement. “Well, what about you? Don’t you have any issues?” So I would answer. Yes, I had issues and I was/am working on them. One time, I named some of the specific things I was working on in me. Wow! Was that ever a mistake! He jumped on that so quickly and used it all completely against me. He told me that he knows all these issues I have and that it is because of these issues that he acts like he does. Everything was all my fault! Somehow we never got back to talking about the problem we were talking about in the first place!

Pointing everything back at you is a purposeful way to not take responsibility. It takes the focus off of them and their faults or weaknesses. By the time the conversation has looped around a few times, you can honestly begin to feel that all of this is your fault to begin with. This tactic causes many victims to doubt themselves and work overtime to please the abuser.

“I’m sorry, what more do you want from me?”

Apologies from covert narcissistic people are not genuine. They are not accompanied by words, attitudes, and gestures that align with an apology. They are typically followed with words that place all the blame back on you again. They make you feel that your expectations are unreasonable and out of reach for them, that they are doing everything within their power to make you happy. How could you possibly want more?

Don’t be surprised if the words “I’m sorry” are followed by a sob-story of the horrible childhood they suffered. Don’t get me wrong. I hate what my ex went through in his childhood. It was terrible, and no one deserves that! However, when he continuously uses that us an excuse for not being better, this is extremely damaging to his current relationships. While it is okay to extend compassion and support, it is NOT okay to permit them to stomp all over your feelings because of their hurtful childhood.

“What could I have possibly done any differently?”

As though their behavior was the ONLY logical behavior for the situation. You are made to feel like an idiot for even considering there would have been a better approach.

They then place it on you completely to figure out how they could have behaved differently in the first place. They make this to be your “job.” And they will carry it out to the very end. You find yourself telling them every last word they should have said, how they should say it, how they should look, and what their voice should sound like. You realize that you are explaining basic common decency to a full-grown adult.

Not only that, but they then combat everything you say. They tell you that they did do everything you are suggesting, when they clearly did not. Or they tell you that your suggestion would never work because you would react to it, continuing the belief that everything is your fault, no matter what the situation.

“You’re the only person who thinks like that.”

I was told that I am the only person who sees anger in him. He said that he asked his friends and co-workers. Friends?? He has no friends. He doesn’t do anything with anyone, ever. He sits in the house and plays video games, night after night. When I finally asked him who he was talking about, he named friends from high school that he hadn’t seen in years. He named a friend who lives on the other side of the world, with whom he stays connected through email.

What about the co-workers? They have no social interactions outside of work. We don’t go to social activities. They only know him in the work environment, and most of that is computer interaction.

Saying that you are the only person who thinks like that completely invalidates your feelings. This can make a victim feel extremely crazy and isolated. In reality, it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. This relationship with this person is your relationship. No one else’s. If you don’t like the way you are being treated, who cares what the friends and coworkers think? This isn’t about them in the first place.

“Why can’t you just get over the past?”

He set me up with this one many times. I would talk to him about how his words and attitudes hurt me and our boys. In his defensive tone, he would ask for specific examples. So I would give him some. Then he would go down his list of attempts to discredit everything. He often started by telling me that it never happened. If that didn’t work, he would tell me that I am remembering it wrong. If that didn’t work, he would find a way to make it my fault. When all else failed, he would then tell me that he can’t believe how badly I hang on to things from the past, things that we already “resolved.” He would say, “We already worked that out, but you can’t forgive me for not being perfect. I can’t believe you are still hanging on to that!”

So to prevent all of this, in other conversations, when he asked for examples from the past, I told him that I couldn’t come up with specific examples. Of course, that never went very far. His words were, “Well, how in the world I am supposed to answer for something you can’t even remember? You can’t expect me to fix something when you can’t even tell me what I am fixing.” I was then made to feel mean and crazy, and his unacceptable words, attitudes and behaviors simply continued.

No Approach Works!

A relationship with a narcissistic person is a constant word battle. There is NO approach that works, NO magic words to help them see, NO argument that will resolve peacefully.

So what do you do? You walk away! Keep your words short and simple, honest and void of emotion. When they engage in their manipulative tactics, you simply leave. I used to sit for hours, trapped in these conversations from hell. Then, one day, I realized that I just didn’t have to do that anymore. I simply walked away!

Emotional Safety is Crucial for Us and for Our Kids

Damaging Our Kids

How much damage are we doing to our own kids? You may think that it is only your toxic partner that is hurting them, but you will be surprised to find that you are perhaps adding to that damage too.

“I was SO wrapped up in trying to keep peace that I pushed my own kids’ feelings under the rug right along with everything else.”

I used to say to myself, “Why can’t my boys just do what is necessary to keep their dad happy?” Because they were kids!

I used to wonder, “Why don’t the boys get it? Can’t they just do what he says? It would be so much more peaceful.” Because that is not their role in life. They are allowed to be kids, and they are allowed to express themselves. They are people too!

They were good boys just being kids, and I was asking the wrong questions. Instead of asking why the boys didn’t get it, I should have been asking why doesn’t my husband get it? Why can’t he let them be kids? Why doesn’t he accept them as they are?

My focus was all wrong. I was trying to keep peace with the elephant in the room. I made my priority to keep my husband happy because he was the meanest to everyone when he was unhappy. We paid a high price when he was upset.

In trying to keep peace, I pushed everything under the rug as fast as I could. I quieted and corrected the boys, even when they were doing no wrong. I jumped on them quickly simply to beat their dad to it, knowing that he would be unreasonable. All because I wanted to keep peace with their dad.

I paid a high price for this mistake. My boys learned that their feelings didn’t matter. They couldn’t be angry. They couldn’t be happy. Any and all of their feelings were pushed down due to emotional fear.

Feelings Matter

One thing I learned in all of this is that feelings matter! Emotional safety is hugely important! Without it, we will simply go crazy. If our pushed down anger doesn’t kill us, then our own stress level will. .

Emotional safety is crucial! What is emotional safety?

-Feeling free to express yourself, free from judgment and criticism

-Being free to feel your own feelings

-Having the freedom to get mad and work through it on your own

-Having the freedom to be happy and silly

-Being internally relaxed

-Feeling safe to let your guard down

-Openly free to share our hurts, fears, dreams, tender feelings

-Free to be vulnerable and non-defensive

-Knowing that you are not responsible for the other person’s feelings

Without this emotional safety, we build defenses. We defend ourselves against potential criticism, blame, shame and rejection. We defend ourselves by being critical of others and minimizing their needs and feelings.

How do you give them emotional safety?

The absolutely best first step is to work on emotional safety yourself. Are you emotionally safe? Do everything you can to put yourself in this safety first. As you do, your own defenses will come down. Work on being internally relaxed, both mentally and emotionally. This is the single best thing you can do for your own kids’ emotional growth.

Let your kids express anger. Don’t be afraid of it or quit to shut it down. If they are expressing it, then they are not bottling it up inside them. This is a good thing! They need to learn that there are boundaries for expressing anger. Throwing things or hitting people should not be acceptable. Give them safe ways to release that anger. Hitting a workout bag or pillow, throwing a tennis ball forcefully at a safe wall, and kicking a beach ball are some great examples.

Don’t judge and criticize them when they express their dreams. Don’t superficially praise them either. Be open to their ideas, and at the same time be honest with your own opinions.

Remember that your kid is a fellow human being. Yes you brought him/her into this world. But they are still a separate human being, with their own ideas, thoughts, dreams, fears, feelings, and life. Look at them as such. See them for who they really are.

Explore this emotional safety further. Help your kids to develop emotional skills and emotional health. For more information on helping your kids’ emotional development, check out my ebook devoted just to this.

The Narcissist's Constant Victim Role

The Constant Victim Role

Covert narcissists are constant victims. Everyone has done them wrong. Everyone has injured their precious ego at some point or another. The whole world is responsible for their anger, negativity, lack of initiative, lack of motivation, and even their lack of empathy. From the tiniest injury to the grandest, the covert narcissist continues to be the never-ending victim, who feels entitled to treat you however they choose. They have no filter on their words or actions and no ability to see how this entitlement affects others.

This causes all relationships with the narcissist to be strained and exhausting. When the covert narcissist plays the victim so well, it leaves you with two roles in life. You are either their therapist or their enemy. You are either their rescuer or their perpetrator. The trouble is that healthy people should not and do not fulfill these roles with their loved ones.

Your Role as Therapist

Healthy individuals recognize that they cannot serve as a rescuer to their parent, spouse, adult child, friend, boss, etc. This is a normal and healthy boundary in life. When a person is constantly relying on your approval and validation in order to feel good about themselves, this is a destructive situation. You are not helping them or yourself. You are not their therapist and should not serve as such. They need to be working on their own problems on their own, just as you should be with yours.

You might think, “But I’m just trying to be supportive? Wouldn’t it be mean to not let them open up to me and talk with me?” I’m not saying you shouldn’t be a supportive friend or family member. It is okay for them to share with you what they are dealing with and what they are learning, as long as they are learning and taking action to work on it for themselves. What are they doing to get healthier and stronger internally? Are they doing anything? It is not okay for them to expect you to make them feel better so they can then go back to ignoring the problems they have. This is an endless and exhausting cycle that will leave you completely drained!

Your Role as Enemy

On the flip side, healthy individuals also do not want to be seen as the constant enemy or perpetrator. A covert narcissist will play the victim role over and over and over. Their constant hypersensitivity and gaslighting allows them to always find ways to be wounded. You begin to feel like their number one enemy. They are extremely good at being the victim and can convince the kindest person in the world that they are to blame for all the narcissist’s problems and unhappiness. Every bad feeling the covert narcissist has is somehow your fault. This is simply not reality and is known as blame shifting.

When they see you as the constant offender, everything you do and say is wrong. For a covert narcissist, everything is offensive to them. You will apologize over and over to them, even at times when you have no idea what you are apologizing for. You apologize anyways, simply to try to put some peace back in your relationship with them.

That peace, however, will be short-lived. There are not enough apologies in the world to satisfy the victim role of a covert narcissist. Their pain comes from within, and yet they constantly look for external reasons and external solutions. Those solutions will NEVER be good enough. To stop being the perpetrator, you have to set your own boundaries and walk away. They will never stop, so you must!

It is not possible for everything that is wrong with them to be your fault. Please hear these words!! It is not your fault!! You are allowed to be human. You are allowed to do things that maybe you could have done better, to say things that maybe you could have said better. No one decided that you have to be perfect, except the covert narcissist in your life. They decided you must be perfect and then set you up again and again for failure. Stop playing their game!! Simply walk away.

Of course, they will then blame you for abandoning them. But that is simply not true. You are an adult making an adult decision. Set your boundaries and stick with them.

How the Covert Narcissist Plays Rejection, Abandonment, and Abuse

My marriage lasted almost 21 years. For most of these years, I convinced myself and the world that I had the perfect marriage. We were simply great together. There was no other option available. The mind is powerful and can do amazing things. I truly believed that it was a match made in heaven and that he was perfect for me.

Sure he spoke harsh from time to time, but everyone is allowed a bad day here and there. He treated others with coldness and meanness, but not me. He was distant from others, but not from me. There always seemed to be a reason for his sharpness, so it was okay. Besides we had some really good days in between these outbursts. So I swept it under the rug every time and continued to believe that our marriage was great and wonderful.

Ever so slowly, my eyes started opening. The pressure deep in my own heart started pushing through into my awareness. Tiny cracks in my thinking allowed for tiny glimpses of truth to seep in. Questions started to form in my mind. Why is he talking to me this way? Why do I feel so beaten down and anxious? Why are our boys afraid of talking to him? Is all this normal? Is this my imagination? Thus started an unbelievable journey of discovery.

I still remember so well the first day I heard the word narcissism. I was in complete disagreement, disbelief, and denial. I still believed that I could fix all this and that much of it was my fault anyways. Now, years later, I have a much greater understanding. There is so much I didn’t see and didn’t understand at the time. Even now, layers of it are still becoming more clear.

Though I didn’t know it, I was trapped in a situation of rejection, abandonment and abuse. I didn’t see it because it wasn’t the standard scenarios that often go with these words. With covert narcissists, the mistreatment and abuse are so masterfully hidden that it takes years to see, if one sees it at all. This isn’t the aggressive rejection of yelling “I hate you” or kicking you out of the house. This isn’t the obvious abandonment of running off with another woman or disappearing for days and weeks. This isn’t the apparent abuse of physical beatings and rages full of swear words and threats.

This type of rejection, abandonment, and abuse is completely hidden. My situation was so expertly covered, and I fell for it completely! Let me paint the picture for you.

Rejection

He told me all the time that I was too good for him. He told me that he loved me so much and that he wanted me to be happy. And yet he often spoke so sharply and harshly in day-to-day living! He shut down conversations with aggressive abruptness. He gave such short and sharp answers that conversation was often completely impossible. For years, I never felt safe in normal conversations with him. I felt guarded and on high alert. He continuously created an environment that was emotionally unsafe.

I remember one summer day that I was out all day with our boys while he was at work. We returned home before him. When he came home from work, I was happy to tell him how our day had been. After all, he had been complaining lately that I don’t talk with him enough and make him feel like part of the family. So when he sat down on the couch, I sat with him and began telling him about our day. He pulled out his phone and started playing a game. I was beginning to tell him a funny story about something his oldest son had done that day. I was only a couple of sentences into the story. While I was in mid-sentence, he sharply yelled, “OKAY!” at me. So I stopped and walked away, feeling completely rejected. I did not say another word about our day, and he never said a word about that interaction.

I left many of our conversations feeling extremely rejected. He would often cut me off, clearly not wanting to hear what I was saying. Other times, he would nod emphatically, with this air about him that says, “I already know this, so why are you wasting my time?” He would even interrupt me to strongly say, “I know,” or “I get it.” It always felt like a crime to talk with him about something he already knew. And since he always came across as already knowing everything, he never made me feel welcome talking to him. This was happening on a daily basis. When you are rejected in this way so regularly, you feel completely rejected in the relationship. This is not how you build a healthy marriage.

Abandonment

I would never have said that abandonment was a concern for me. I never felt like he was going to run away with another woman. I knew that he would always be home in the evenings and on the weekends. But then I realized that there was a different type of abandonment going on.

In my marriage, abandonment came within the home itself. He completely isolated himself constantly. He lost himself in video games and movies for hours on end. This was every evening after work, every weekend, every holiday, every vacation, no matter where we were or who we were with. This happened whether we were alone just the two of us or at social events with our friends and family. It didn’t matter whether we were on the Oregon Coast visiting his own mother, having Christmas activities with my family, or in Paris on a family vacation. This was on the beach, in the hotel rooms, in the restaurants, and even on a beautiful dinner cruise in downtown Paris on the Seine River. He disengaged from our lives. He checked out completely again and again and again!

At the age of 15, our oldest son spent three weeks in France. When we picked him up at the airport, we learned that his luggage missed the flight. We had to wait one hour for it to arrive. So we found a quiet corner where we could sit and chat. I was so eager to hear all about his trip, and he was eager to tell us. Within the first five minutes of our son telling us about his excursions, my husband got up, pulled out his phone, and walked away. We didn’t see him for the next 45 minutes. No explanation, no interaction, just abandonment. To this day, he has still never heard about all the exciting things our son did on that trip. This is rejection and abandonment and happened so many times throughout the years.

Abuse

Now, I have painted a brief picture of what our marriage was like. I could give you so many examples of the rejection and abandonment that my boys and I experienced. Early in our marriage, it only happened occasionally. As the years went by though, it became a daily part of our lives.

Now add on top of this one huge element! He repeatedly told me that EVERYTHING was always my fault!! It was my fault that we didn’t communicate well. It was my fault that we were distant and struggling. It was my fault that I was anxious and upset. It was my fault that he didn’t have a relationship with me. It was my fault that he didn’t have a relationship with our boys. It was my fault that he went into hiding and checked out. It was my fault that he was unable to communicate well. It was my fault that he didn’t feel respected or loved. It was ALL my fault, and ALL my job to fix.

He continuously made me feel guilty and responsible. For many years, I fell for this. I thought it was all my fault. I remember one day when I was eating lunch with a friend. I opened up to her about how I was feeling in the marriage. I told her about the excessive gaming that my husband was doing and how frustrated I was about it. I remember saying to her, “Now, I know that it is my fault that he games so much….” She immediately interrupted me, “Wait a minute! How in the world is this your fault?” She was genuinely shocked at my statement. I responded, “Well, I don’t know. I must not have fussed at him hard enough. I should have pitched a bigger fit about it.” She laughed in disbelief, “Do you hear what you are saying? He’s a grown man. His choices are not your fault!”

At the time, I certainly did not realize the absurdity here. I did not see how messed up my own thinking had become. I actually did think that his addiction to gaming was my fault and that I should have been able to stop it. I believed this even though I had tried for years to get him off his games. He completely shut me down every time. Yet somehow, I still managed to believe that it was my fault.

Another example is that I thought for years that it was my job to make sure he had a good relationship with his boys. I used to wear my brain out trying to come up with things he could do with them. Then when I did come up with ideas, he brought so much negativity into the activity that it was a disaster. So now I also had to figure out how to keep him from being so negative while he was with them. I had become convinced that this was my duty and responsibility. But it was impossible! So as his relationship with our boys deteriorated, I felt more and more like a failure.

Refuse the Craziness!

He made everything impossible, and yet expected me to fix it all. Then when I couldn’t do it, he blamed me for everything! This is absolutely psychological abuse and will drive you to insanity!

• HE made conversations so incredibly difficult and told me it was all my fault that we didn’t talk.

• HE created fear in everyone and blamed me that he couldn’t communicate with anyone.

• HE checked out of the lives of his boys and told me that I destroyed his relationship with them.

• HE did not engage in our world and blamed me for the distance.

• HE isolated himself and blamed me that he had no friends.

• HE chose his own actions and yet made me feel guilty for them.

Now that I see it with open eyes, I can finally let go of all the guilt and blame. It was NOT my fault! I did not choose for him to be sharp and cold. I did not choose for him to shut down conversations. I did not choose for him to create environments where no one felt emotionally safe. I did not choose for him to check out and hide in his games and movies. I did not choose for him to abandon his family. These were his choices!!

But now, I did choose to walk away! I will not accept the blame anymore for an environment that he creates. I choose to treat people with love and compassion. I choose to create an atmosphere of openness and freedom. I choose to welcome others into my life with open arms. I choose to establish an environment of peace!

The Distorted View of an Abuse Victim

A Distorted View of Reality

When my son was around 9 years old, he apparently needed glasses. We did not know that he needed glasses. He was not aware that things were blurry to him. He thought that what he saw was reality. For example when he looked at trees he saw a green blurry mess. For him this is what trees looked like. He did not know any differently. This was a distorted view of reality, but it was all he knew. He had no way of knowing that what he saw was not reality. So to him it was reality!

When we discovered this, of course we took him to the eye doctor to have his eyes checked. The doctor confirmed that he needed glasses. He put on his new glasses, and we walked outside. He immediately exclaimed, “Wow! The trees have leaves!” For the first time, he could see clearly the individual leaves of the tree. He was so surprised at this and found it to be very enjoyable. Now he was seeing a clear picture of reality.

Check Your Symptoms

Before getting glasses, you might experience bad headaches and not know why. These headaches can cause you to be frustrated and tired. Yet you still do not know where this is all coming from. Kids can even start having bad grades as a result of vision issues. If these things are going on with your child, you start trying to figure out why rather than fuss at them for not being good enough, right?

So take a look at yourself. These are some of the symptoms you need to be checking.

• Do you feel like everything is your fault?

• Do you feel that you are never good enough?

• Do you doubt everything you do, say, or think?

• Do you see yourself as worthless and hopeless?

• Are you losing motivation in life?

• Do you struggle to get out of bed?

• Do you feel you have no purpose in life?

If you are experiencing these symptoms, then you need to start exploring. It may not be from abuse, just like your child might not need glasses. There can be other reasons for headaches and bad grades. And there can be other reasons for your symptoms. One big thing to ask yourself is - Are you especially experiencing these symptoms around one particular person in your life and noAbust around others?

The Distorted View of Abuse Victims

Victims of abuse definitely experience a distorted view of reality. Not physically, like my son’s eyes. Rather, your distorted vision is turned inward. You do feel like everything is your fault and everything is your job to fix. You feel that no matter what you do you are not good enough and never will be. You doubt everything you do, say or think. You see yourself as worthless and  your situation as hopeless. You have an extremely tough time seeing a clear view of reality, and you might not even be aware of it. Your vision is extremely distorted.

A distorted view of reality absolutely affects you physically, mentally, and emotionally. You find yourself with no energy, tired all the time, not feeling well, and all sorts of physical ailments.Yet you do not know why. Your mind goes into hyper-drive until it reaches a point of total exhaustion and shuts down completely. Emotions become too painful to feel anymore. Your relationships suffer. Consequently, you lose all motivation to even function. There seems to be no purpose in life anymore. Building the strength to even get out of bed can prove quite challenging. You easily become more and more isolated from the world, and even from those you love, and yet you continue to blame yourself for all of this. This has a disastrous effect on your life.

Gaining Perspective

You are just like my son, trying to decide if what you are seeing is real or not. Are the trees really a blurry green mess or do they have individual leaves? Are the words on the board at school written with a blurry marker or are they clear? Is all this your fault or have you been manipulated to believe this? Are you completely worthless or is there great value in you?

Our son would never have known he needed glasses if he had not spoken up to someone, anyone. He asked me if I could read the words on the movie screen. “Yes, of course,” I replied. “What does it say?” he asked. I was surprised. “You read it,” I said. He responded, “I can’t. I can’t see the letters.” So the process that lead to contact lenses began.

You also need an outside perspective. You need to open up about what you are going through. Start talking about it. Start asking questions. Don’t keep it inside any longer. Even if your friend or family member doesn’t understand, that’s okay. The more you can talk about your feelings, the sooner you can start getting some clarity on them. Quit assuming that you know all the answers already. Let go of the belief that you can tough your way through this.

You must admit that you need help. There is absolutely no shame in that! Join support groups. Read books on healing from abuse and on mindfulness. You need tools that can help you get a better perspective of what reality is. You have to be able to get out of your own mind and see life from a healthier perspective. Just like you would go to the eye doctor to check your view of reality, don't hesitate to go to a counselor, therapist, psychologist, or any other form of help to check your view of reality.

Keep picturing those blurry green blobs that my son saw as trees. Accept that your own perspective may be every bit as blurry. There is a reason you are here looking for answers. You are not alone on this path! I wish you much peace on your journey of healing!

A Plea to Parents

Parents, please listen!!

If only I had known years ago what I know now! If only I understood then what I understand now. If only I could have seen then what I see now. I could have helped my kids SO much more.

These thoughts pour through my head often. As a compassionate parent, we truly want was is best for our kids. We want them to be happy and successful, and we would give anything to help make this happen. But there is simply so much that is not within our control. And that makes it especially tough!

As a mom, I have learned some incredibly valuable lessons over the years. But this single week has simply pounded one lesson home for me. It has been the hardest single week of my life, ever! And the lesson I have learned, I MUST share! If I can help even one of you….

Please read this, parents!

Our Situation

My husband and I have two boys. Our marriage almost made it to 21 years. Our divorce was final 2 weeks ago.

Here is an overall picture of the life of our oldest child.

My husband, his father, verbally and emotionally abused this child badly. He was told repeatedly how bad he was and how everything he did was wrong. This started at such a young age. I was horrified! I tried to get it stopped. I talked with my husband in private about the way he was talking to our son. I thought that if I could just help him to see, then he would stop talking this way. At times, I truly thought we were getting there, but now I realize that nothing ever changed.

Every time he climbed our son’s back, I watched life being snuffed out of my son. I can still picture him deflated today. I will never forget how he looked and NEVER forget how it made me feel.

However, I made a terrible mistake in this. I didn’t mean to, and I certainly was not aware of it at the time. It has taken many years for me to truly see this.

My Mistake

When this abuse happened and my son was so defeated, I always felt horrible! I absolutely hated it, as any loving parent would! I wanted nothing more than to be able to stop this and to protect my son. I so badly wanted to erase these horrible feelings out of his heart and my own heart. I never realized that this desire would end up adding to the damage being done to my own son.

You see, he was crushed, hurt, defeated, confused, and a million other things that he didn’t understand. I was so eager to erase all of that. Too eager!

When he was happy again, my pain disappeared to the background. I thought it was also erasing his pain too. I thought he could simply move on in life and focus on the good things, the positive things, things that made him happy.

I was wrong. It wasn’t erasing his pain at all. It was simply burying it inside of him. My intense desire to return him to his happy self again simply taught him to be fake. It showed him that being falsely happy kept peace in his world and protected those that he loved. Even at such a young age, he learned the tactic of burying his pain and confusion. This skill developed over the teenage years. His mask was being built.

Burying the pain, even for a child, is NOT a long-term solution. All this does is erase one’s ability to be genuine and real. It teaches them to be fake and emotionless. It sets the stage for another cycle of abuse.

I do realize that I was not the abuser. I didn’t cause all this initial pain and suffering. I didn’t bring this abuse into the household. But I do realize that my coping strategy was not effective, especially for a young child.

As an adult, I could and often would talk these situations out later with friends and family. I could journal them and dissect them. I could and often did even come back to his father and speak my peace, though this was often a disaster.

My son, however, did not have any of these coping skills. He didn’t write about what happened or his feelings about them. He didn’t later ponder them and analyze them. He didn’t get opinions from friends and family. He certainly didn’t come back and later speak to his father about them.

He simply buried them!

This huge mistake nearly caused me to bury my own son at such a young age.

Parents, please don’t make this same mistake.

Getting Help

I know what it is like to not be able to get the abuse stopped. I know how crushing it is to watch your child’s heart be stomped into the ground. I know how impossible it is. I know how badly you want to fix this!

We are going to explore ways to help your kids, at their various ages. First and foremost, you must help yourself. If you are a sinking ship, you can’t save them. Make yourself a priority right now! You are their biggest hope!

Here are some ways to start that journey for yourself -

Read our page How to Help Yourself. This page contains the beginning steps for getting help.

Join our closed Facebook group on Covert Narcissism

Join our closed Facebook Book Club for discussions

Visit the Resources page. Learn everything you can learn about all of this.

Here are some ways to start helping your kids -

Read our page How to Help Your Kids. This page contains many links for learning more about how to counter the damage being done.

Get a copy of the book Parenting with a Toxic Partner.

Please reach out to me and let me know how we can help!

I Survived the Day of Divorce from a Narcissist

So my divorce is finally done! Our court date was 2 days ago, and it’s over. This was a day that I thought would never actually get here. I’ve known for years that it was coming. The verbal and emotional abuse was never going to stop. The psychological games were only getting worse. Leaving was my only option.

As the day was approaching, I wondered how I would feel. Will I cry? Will I be happy? What will I say? What will it be like? How will it go?

He moved out 9 days before our court date. I was so relieved to have him gone. I spent a week cleaning my home like never before. The house is so much fresher. The air is cleaner. I have now been sleeping better, eating better, and am genuinely happier.

But in the back of my mind, our court date was still looming. The day before court, everything hit me like a truck. I was at work in the middle of the afternoon. I had been feeling great, and the divorce wasn’t even on my mind. Out of nowhere, I was all of a sudden completely overwhelmed with stress and anxiety. My heart started racing, my hands started shaking, and I instantly started running a fever. It was the strangest thing I have ever experienced.

I actually thought to myself, “So this is what it feels like to have a nervous breakdown.” A million thoughts ran through my mind. Can I go through with this? Am I strong enough? What if I pass out? Is this actually going to kill me? As the day went on, my mind started replaying everything from the last 21 years of my life. I was powerless to stop it. I saw all the pain, all the abuse, all the good times, all the bad times, the abusive way he treated our kids, my helplessness and hopelessness. I truly thought I was losing my mind.

Sleep that night was impossible. My mind simply would NOT rest. By now, I knew that my body was collapsing from the stress. My neck burned with fever, my throat was killing me, and my head was super foggy. I had to get this over with, or it was going to kill me.

Thankfully, our court time was early the next morning. My husband was there when I arrived. We instantly put on that front that we had been living for so long. The front we always showed the world that said we got along great. It was like we were old friends and had no problems. I know this lie well and simply cannot live it any longer.

As I stood in front of the judge, my heart pounded in my chest. I answered my attorney’s questions, barely hearing them at all. It was quick, and then it was over. Within 5 minutes, we were divorced. Just like that. No fanfare, no strike of the gavel, no announcement. Just the signature of one man, and I was now free.

Free to do what I wanted. Free to be me. So I went home. To MY home. Too exhausted to be happy. Too sick to celebrate. Too sad to breathe. Too empty to find me. I simply went home.

I was in the biggest fog of my life. I wondered if my head would ever work right again. Will my heart ever recover? I felt about as sick as I ever have.

I simply had to give myself some genuine love and attention. I called a very dear friend of mine and asked her to go to lunch with me. Though she knew everything that was going on, we didn’t talk about the divorce. We talked about life. We sat outside in the beautiful sunshine and simply enjoyed our friendship. It was so refreshing!

Over the next 2 days, I focused on my own healing. I’ve enjoyed coffee with my girlfriends, as well as peaceful bubble baths at night, alone. I’ve prayed and meditated throughout my day. I’ve read daily inspirational passages. I’ve chatted with old friends, watched old tv shows, and listened to old music. I’ve done things that are good for my soul.

My body, mind and heart are responding so well to the extra love. The sickness is disappearing almost as quickly as it hit. Every day I seem to be waking up more clear-headed than the day before. Today is the clearest my head has been in months, maybe years. I am so eager to continue this journey now. This little taste of clear-ness has made me SO hungry for it. I want to live the rest of my days focused on whatever is healthy and peaceful.

I still have a long ways to go in the journey of healing, but I do feel that I am off to a great start. I will take this in baby steps. I feel motivation returning and eagerness to enjoy life again. I now begin the journey of the rest of my life!!

No matter where you are in this process, I desire to walk the journey with you. We may all go through it differently, but we ALL  need support by our side. I had people I could lean on every step of the way. I feel blessed by that. I will be that support for anyone who needs a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen, or a reassuring voice that you are not crazy.

If I can do this, so can you!!

Others have it much worse than me, shouldn’t I just be grateful?

A Recurring Perspective

One perspective that keeps surfacing from my readers goes something like this, “I read other people’s stories and hear the nightmares they are living. Physical abuse, alcohol and drugs, sex addiction and cheating. Mine simply isn’t that bad. Sure, he gets mean and sharp sometimes, but he is tolerable most of the time. That doesn’t mean he is a narcissist. He often can actually be a very nice guy, as long as we make sure he feels special. Shouldn’t I just be grateful and keep my mouth shut? Shouldn’t I stay in the relationship because it really could be far worse? Maybe I don’t really belong in a support group. Maybe this isn’t even abuse.”

When I hear these things, I start asking them why they ended up in the support group to begin with and what brought them there in the first place. Almost always, they start describing emotional, verbal, and mental abuse. They are beaten down emotionally and mentally. They are confused and exhausted. They feel crazy and want answers. Yet they continue to justify the actions of their abuser, by saying that it really could be worse.

I Used to Say it Too

I totally understand this because I have lived it myself. I know these thoughts personally, “At least he isn’t beating me. I don’t think he would ever hurt me or our boys. I don’t think he is cheating on me. Every marriage has its issues. You know, this could be a whole lot worse. How could this be narcissistic abuse?”

And yet he continued to talk so meanly to the boys and me. He blamed us for everything that ever went wrong and many things that weren’t even wrong to begin with. He verbally and psychologically abused the boys, making them so afraid of ever upsetting him. He never listened to any of us when we tried to explain how he made us feel. He only continued to slaughter us with his tongue, while holding no empathy for his family. We walked on eggshells, always afraid of his anger, for years.

Could things have been worse? Yes, I think someone who is walking on eggshells and terrified for their own life and the lives of their kids is in a worse place. Does that make how we were living okay? Absolutely not!!

Analogy of a Broken Leg

If you have a broken leg, you don’t think, “Well, some people lose their leg, so since it could be worse, I’ll just tough it out and keep my mouth shut about it.” You don’t chose to be grateful and thus not fix your broken leg simply because their situation is worse. This wouldn’t make sense to anyone around you. Your entire family and circle of friends would be all over you to get to the doctor and take care of your leg.

Pain is pain, and healing is needed!

It is, of course, okay to recognize that things could be worse. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being grateful that they aren’t worse. But this doesn’t mean you have to stay or put up with abuse just because it could be worse. This doesn’t even make sense. Yet how many of us rationalize this way? How many of us have family and friends that even try to convince us of this?

Analogy of a School Shooter

If a shooter in one school walks into a classroom and kills just one person, while another in another school kills 30, one of these is clearly worse than the other. However just because the first situation could have been much worse, this does not take away the pain of the family of the one that was killed. That family still suffers and grieves. Their pain is very real. They are greatly affected, and it will take some time to heal.

Because one situation is “worse” also does not take away the fact that both shooters must be held accountable for their actions.  The shooter of the one person will still go to jail and face punishment, as they should. Can you imagine a judge saying, “Well, at least you only killed one. It could have been worse. You are free to go?” What!!! Media would have a heyday with that. I can see the picket lines and rioting already.

No More Justification

I think we could all find someone that we think has a worse situation than we do. That’s okay. There is no need for comparisons here. It is okay to be grateful that your own situation isn’t worse. It is okay to feel compassion for those that are in a worst situation. You also don’t have to pretend that your situation is worse than it is in order to justify leaving.

It is also okay to walk away from your situation and your abuser. Please do not use the justification that it could be worse as a reason to stay in an abusive relationship.

Abuse is abuse, and healing is needed!!

A Life-Saving Epiphany in the Midst of Narcissistic Abuse

An Epiphany

An epiphany is a light bulb moment. It is a sudden intuitive grasp of reality, an illuminating discovery, realization, disclosure, or insight, or a revealing moment in time. My favorite definition that I ran across is "a moment of sudden or great revelation that usually changes you in some way."

I have one particular epiphany that has floated in and out of my awareness over the last year. It was a realization that hit me one day right between the eyes. It has become more valuable to me than anything else in the midst of this narcissistic nightmare that I am living. I am going to try to describe this epiphany to you. It is rather elusive at times, so bare with me.

The epiphany is that I am allowed to walk this Earth in peace just like everyone else, that the gift of a peaceful life is every bit as present for me as it is for anyone and everyone else. I am not obligated to live under stress and abuse. I CAN choose to spend each individual moment of my life doing things that are peaceful and that make me happy. I CAN choose to spend my time and energy on things that make me feel positive, productive, compassionate, and connected to others.

If I get to choose how to spend my time and energy (and I do get to), how would I spend it?

I would spend it on things that are:

• Meaningful

• Peaceful

• Full of Connection and love

• Helpful to others

• Genuine and real

• Pure and true

• Full of life

This epiphany creates the most amazing feeling inside me when I truly connect with it. It is an overwhelming feeling of peacefulness. Each time I find it, it releases a little bit more tension and stress that has been in my body for years and years. It frees me from the effects of the narcissistic abuse. It feels so wonderful that I want to cling to it forever.

Keeping it Requires Effort

This epiphany, as wonderful as it is, is impossible to keep within my grasp. It behaves like a flickering light bulb, one that isn’t tight enough in its socket. It flickers in and out. Sometimes it is shining so brightly and clearly, while at other times it goes completely dark, providing no light at all. It is extremely fleeting, getting away from me so quickly, and I find myself wrapped up once again in the stress of life.

So I consciously and purposefully keep bringing myself back to this epiphany. It takes conscious effort, and I assure you that it is well worth that effort. Every time it comes back, the peace it brings is stronger and clearer. It is amazing and enticing. When I truly connect with it, I feel like life all of a sudden makes sense. It is like seeing the sky for the first time through a break in the fog.

This epiphany motivates me to keep pushing forward towards it. I want to create a life where I can spend my time on these positive things I have listed. That is the way of life that I desire. This very desire drives my every step towards freedom, no matter how difficult, one step at a time.

The FOG

Each time I return to this epiphany, it seems as though I am seeing life clearly for the first time ever. I have said many times that I feel like I have been living in a fog. Narcissistic abuse keeps your head spinning so fast that life is not clear and nothing seems to make any sense. It is exactly like living in a fog.

I recently heard FOG defined as living in Fear, Obligation and Guilt. This comes from the book titled Out of the Fog by Dana Morningstar. I have not yet read this book, but am eager to do so soon. In fact, we will be reading it soon in my brand new Covert Narcissist Book Club. Feel free to join us in our closed Facebook group.

This concept of living in a fog completely resonated with me. It is absolutely where I have been living for the last 21 years. Here is how I would describe it.

Living in Fear

Fear drives your thoughts and behaviors when it is strong and dominant in your life. When you are shown repeatedly that you cannot trust your partner to react to you in a kind and loving way, it instills fear in you. What is it that I feared?

• His silence, wickedly evil silence!

• His disapproval and disappointment

• His reactions to anything and everything

• His anger and harshness

• His withheld love and condescending attitude

• His accusations and blame

• His lectures and verbal assaults

• His guilt trips

• His circular conversations

To say that these things drove my actions and controlled my thoughts is a huge understatement. I did everything I could to dodge these things and hated it when I got caught by any of them. Absolutely hated it! I will never forget the pit in my stomach that was my constant companion. This is not a way to live.

Living in Obligation

Obligation hits you hard when you think that it is your job and duty to help them. I was his wife, after all. Wasn’t it my job to keep him happy? Wasn’t it my job to make sure he connected with his kids? Wasn’t it my job to keep the bear in the house peaceful? I tried so hard to keep him from being angry because I thought it was my job. As crazy as it sounds now, I felt obligated to help a full-grown man with the basics of human interactions, simply because he clearly wasn’t capable of it himself.

For years, I thought it was my job to help him to have a relationship with his two boys. I would work so hard to come up with things they could do together and then encourage him/them to do it. This always backfired though because he brought so much anger and manipulation into every activity with them. It ended in disaster again and again. So I decided I had not done a good enough job coming up with the “right” activity for them to all do, and I started the process over. This went on for years. Again, this is no way to live.

Living in Guilt

Guilt goes deep inside us. It digs to our very core. It is very internal and very personal. It is when you allow yourself to carry all the blame and all the fault. Maybe most or all of this is actually my fault, we ask ourselves. Maybe I don’t deserve better because something is wrong with me. This is a tough one to get rid of and clear out of your system.

One sign that you are living in guilt is when you tell yourself, “If I could just be a better ________________, then he/she would love me and our relationship would be strong.”

Fill in that blank however you choose.

• Wife/husband

• Cook

• Dancer

• Lover

• Provider

• Friend

• Mother/Father

Another such statement is, “If I was _____________, then he/she would treat me better.”

• Prettier, better looking

• Smarter

• Funnier

• Quieter

• Skinnier

• Better able to express myself.

• Less annoying

What naturally follows is, “I just have to try harder.” How many of us have worn ourselves out trying to be “perfect?” We have tried to be the best we could possibly be, and yet we still aren’t good enough.You do everything you can and work so hard at it, but nothing ever changes. So you decide that you have ruined everything and feel completely worthless, overwhelmed with guilt. This is absolutely no way to live.

Time to come out of the FOG

You have been conditioned to live in thick fog. You have been made to believe that he/she is better at everything than you and knows more about everything than you. You have been conditioned to care for all of his/her needs and feelings and to accept a complete disregard for your own needs and feelings. You have been taught to fear his/her anger and silence. You have been taught that it is your job to care for his/her every whim. You have been made to feel guilty and responsible for any and every bad thing that has ever happened or ever will happen.

I have news for you. None of this is true!! They are not better at everything than you. They do not know more about everything than you. It is not your job to care for their every need. You should never accept the total disregard for your own needs and feelings. You do not need to fear their anger. You do not need to care for their every whim. And you are not responsible for everything! You are allowed to walk this Earth in peace and happiness.

Get your eyes out of the FOG!

When you feel this fog, remind yourself these things.

Fear - You are stronger than you think you are. You are allowed to live without fear.

Obligation - It is not your job or duty to “build” or “fix” him/her. They are an adult, and the responsibility lies with them. You are responsible only for you.

Guilt - You are allowed to just be you. No one made the rule that you had to be a superhero. It is okay to not be the best at everything or to not have all the answers. Take the guilt you feel and throw it away again and again.

Keep returning to that epiphany of walking the Earth in peace. That gift of a peaceful life is every bit as present for you as it is for anyone and everyone else. You do deserve it. You are worthy of it. And you CAN have it. Hang onto this epiphany as if to your very own lifeline.

For more on healing from narcissistic abuse, read my post From Victim to Survivor to Victor.

Other posts to check out

Why do narcissists give only misery?

How did I know it was time to file for divorce?

Don't Over-Compensate for the Narcissistic Parent

A huge mistake often made by the non-narcissistic parent is over-compensation.

When our co-parent is abusing our children in any way, it is extremely easy to over-compensate by trying to erase all the bad feelings in our child. Our intentions are good. We know that those bad feelings are coming from the way they are being treated. So if we can erase those bad feelings, then maybe we can erase the damage they are suffering. However the results may not be quite what we hope for.

One definition of a narcissist is an empty shell wrapped in a façade of grandiosity. That empty shell comes from all the abuse, but the façade of grandiosity comes from the over-compensation.

Empty Shell

Kids cannot emotionally comprehend the abuse of a parent who is supposed to love them. They internalize it, believing that they themselves are to blame. This leaves them feeling worthless and hopeless. These feelings are too overwhelming for kids and leave them numb and closed off to their own feelings. In other words, an empty shell.

Façade of Grandiosity

When the other parent over compensates by telling them how wonderful, beautiful, amazing and so on that they are, this does not line up with the empty feelings they are experiencing. But it feels better, so they try to cling to this. However, this then becomes a false sense of security for them. It is often easier to ignore bad internal feelings than it is to face them. So it is easy to cling to those feelings that they are great and wonderful, even though they don’t truly believe them. They become that empty shell wrapped in a façade of grandiosity.

So how do we help them instead?

Obviously we can’t always or even often change the behavior of our narcissistic counter parent. So we have to focus on our own parenting skills. The goal is to create a healthy sense of self in our child. What does that look like?

·        Self-awareness

·        Self-perceptiveness

·        Self-value

·        Acceptance of personal strengths and weaknesses

·        Acceptance of one’s humanness

Emotional Muscle Building

Kids need emotional muscles in life. If you carry your child everywhere, they will never learn to walk on their own. Their own leg muscles will atrophy and, over a long enough period, walking will never be an option for them. If you “fix” everything for them so they never build emotional muscles, then this same thing happens.

Quit protecting them from ever feeling disappointment or sadness. Quit protecting them from feeling shame when they deserve it. Quit making them believe that they are above others. Quit rescuing them from the consequences of their actions. Start calling them out on their self-centeredness. Start holding them accountable for their words and actions. Take away their emotional handicaps and create emotional resilience. They are stronger than you think they are. Have confidence in their hearts and in their potential.

Fill the Inner Emptiness

So how do you fill that inner emptiness? Let’s start by looking at how many of us try to fill it and fail. We tell them that they are wonderful. We tell them how great they are, how smart they are, how handsome or pretty they are. None of this ever seemed to work for my kids. They blew it off and never believed me anyways. This is empty praise and does not make help them to fill that emptiness.

I teach martial arts to kids. I see this empty praise often at my school. A parent will sit in the viewing chairs, with their nose in their phone. They don’t pay any attention to what their child is doing in the class. In the meantime, I am having to correct their child repeatedly, calling them out for bad behavior and lack of focus. Much to my surprise though, as we dismiss and the child leaves the floor, the parent will happily exclaim, “Great job today son/daughter. You did great!” I want to say, “Did you see the class? Were you watching how they did?” That child knows they were called out and corrected. They may not be able to verbalize this, but they feel that parent’s empty praise for what it is. While they can’t put it into words, they know that it doesn’t feel right.

Empty praise makes us feel even emptier.

Teach them the feeling of mattering

When my oldest son was around the age of 10, he had a day that was feeling particularly off to him. He was down and completely unmotivated. He was home all day and completely bored, adding to his lack of motivation. I gave him a small list with a few options of productive things to do. On that list were things like bathe the dogs, vacuum the house, wash the windows, and so on. He decided to bathe the dogs. I was extremely glad he chose that one because it was one chore that I really did not like doing, as it was hard on my back. When he got done, I told him how much I appreciated him doing that and how much it helped me. He actually told me, at that young age, that it had really made him feel better. He felt like he had done something very useful and beneficial. I used this opportunity to teach him about the value of productivity.

On his own, he applied this later in his childhood. As any normal kid does, he had other days when he was off. But he noticed it in himself. So, on his own, he chose to go bathe the dogs. He felt the value of this action and felt like he mattered in our world. He did not need a reward of ice cream, money, or anything else. In fact, sometimes those rewards interfere with a child feeling the more internal rewards. He needed to FEEL productive, helpful, and appreciated.

Your kids need to feel that they matter in your world. Don’t do this through excessive praise. This so easily gets shallow and meaningless. They need to have chores and responsibilities. They need to feel like a necessary and valuable part of the family. If it is their job to feed the pets, then they need to feed the pets. When they forget, simply remind them and have them do it. Resist the temptation to just do it for them. I know that is quicker and easier, but it does not teach them responsibility and value. Those pets are relying on your kids for their nourishment. Explain that to your child. Most pets will show great appreciation to the one that feeds them. Let your child experience that. It helps them to feel like they matter, which of course, they do.

You are NOT a superhero!

One final note here. Please remember that you are no different than any other parent struggling through parenthood. I got wrapped up in trying to make sure I did everything right for my kids. I so badly wanted to, as I’m sure you do. I don’t question your desire to be a great parent. That is a wonderful desire. But it is easy to get so caught up in trying to do everything right that we end up making a complete disaster of it.

Give yourself permission to be human. You can’t fix everything. You can’t help them with everything. This isn’t all bad. They NEED to learn some things for themselves as well. They NEED to learn to rely on themselves as well. That’s okay.

If someone would have just told me what to do in order to ensure my boys have a bright, healthy and happy future, I would have walked through fire for them. Trouble is that there is no blueprint, no sure way, no guidebook with all the answers. You do the best you can and then let them go. Trust your heart and learn to trust theirs too!

What Happens when a Narcissist Tries to “Fix” that Broken Relationship?

When does a relationship with a narcissist get worse? When that narcissist decides that they must “fix” the relationship. When they decide to “take charge” of making things right. This is a disaster!

What Does “Fix” the Relationship Mean to a Narcissist?

It means:

• They tell you all the things you have ever done wrong so that you can change.

• They tell you all the things that they have ever done right so that you can finally show appreciation.

• They tell you how they have poured so much effort into fixing things and you have done nothing.

• They tell you how great of a person they are and how bad of a person you are.

• They tell you why this is all your fault and your job to change and fix it.

• They make you feel worse and make them look better, you feel bad and they feel good.

• They use everything you say, everything you have said, and everything you have not said against you.

• They circle and deflect, keeping you in the wrong and them in the right, at all times.

• They barely acknowledge your feelings, if at all. But they are the first ones to tell you about how they feel.

When they say things like, “If we all just talk nicer to each other, then we could get along better,” they mean that everyone should talk nicer to them. They hide behind this statement and its deeper meaning. It means, “Everyone talk nicer to me.” They will still talk however they choose to talk. You can’t call them out on it because we all agreed that we would talk nicer, and that’s not being very nice.

Whey they say, “I feel disrespected and lonely,” they mean that you are not doing your job to make me feel good enough about myself. Problem is it isn’t possible for them to feel good about themselves. So no matter how much you do and how genuine your effort is, you will always fail in their eyes.

When They Come Looking for Validation and Compliments

Mine put me on the spot in one of “those” conversations. He asked me, “Can you give me one compliment? One thing you like about me?” This created a problem in me. All these different adjectives went through my head.

• Helpful? No

• Compassionate? No

• Patient? No

• Fun-loving? No

• Kind? No

• Easy to be around? No

• Fun to be around? No

• Easy to talk to? No

• A good father? No

• Happy? No

This list went on and on in my mind. I finally said to him that I was grateful for 2 things. I am extremely happy with the 2 boys that this marriage has given me. They are amazing boys, and i am very proud of them. The other thing is that I am grateful to him for providing for the family so that I could stay home and raise our boys. He responded, “So I am a paycheck to you? And you can’t even come up with one nice thing to say about me?”

I did feel a little bad about not being able to come up with something nice to say about him. So I gave it some more thought later. And even with some time to ponder, I still could not come up with positive and truthful compliments.

Instead the list was:

• Selfish

• Lazy and unmotivated

• Mean and rude

• Quick to anger

• Hard to be around

• Hard to talk to

• Angry

• Harsh and abrupt

They are Not the Relationship Guru

When someone with these characteristics tries to fix their broken relationship, it just doesn’t turn out so well. What I don’t understand is when they have all these negative traits and are missing so many positive ones, then why are we so quick to listen to them and believe them? I assure you that they are not the relationship guru. They do not have all the answers.

Oh….and by the way….when you step in and try to fix the relationship instead, the results are still about the same. They are going to rub your nose in all the things you ever did wrong.It doesn’t matter who starts the conversation, it will end the same way.

You may feel like you have to put effort into fixing the relationship. I understand that. I never tried so hard at anything in my life. I gave it everything I had. You will not find someone more determined than I was at fixing my broken marriage. So put in the effort, and see how it goes. Listen to their words and their attitude. It takes two to fix a broken marriage. If they are laying all the blame on you, then you are playing solo.As long as that is the case, this isn’t fixable.Simply walk away.

From Victim to Survivor to Victor

When you are dealing with a covert narcissist, it is so incredibly hard to see the abuse, especially at first. You may know that something is wrong in the relationship, but you are just as likely to blame yourself as you are to blame your partner. In fact, you are probably more likely to blame yourself. I think all of us begin in denial.

The Denial

“I’m not being abused. This doesn’t apply to my relationship. He’s just…… or she’s just…….” Fill in the blank. Tired, cranky, busy, angry, not feeling well, socially awkward, recovering from an abused childhood, and so on. How many years can these excuses go on? For me, it was 17 years. For others, I have heard as many as 45 years. Excuse after excuse after excuse. At some point, I started to realize that the “He’s just….” was not an excuse but rather a definition of who he was.

If I’m always making excuses for him because he is cranky that day, but it’s every day, at some point I have to realize that cranky is just who he is. That “recovering from an abused childhood” becomes an excuse and a crutch when it explains their bad behavior for years and years. He is never going to get better. He likes his crutches and hides behind them.

The Victim

So the fog started to clear from my mind. I felt like a beaten down puppy, living with a justified owner who could talk to me anyway he pleased without a care in the world. The denial went away, and I ran head first into the realization that I was a victim! It took one visit to a therapist to really get me to see it for myself.

“OH, $^*&^%*&^*&!!! What is really going on here?!?” This realization was incredibly painful! I thought he loved me. I committed my life to him. I thought we were teammates, facing the battles of life together.

As quickly as the clarity came, it would also disappear just as fast. One minute the abuse was clear in my mind. I could see it. I could explain it. But the next minute, it vanished into thin air. I couldn’t grasp it anymore. I couldn’t explain it. Instead I doubted myself and blamed myself, for the millionth time.

But I continued pondering, watching his attitude, listening to his words, observing my feelings and reactions. He was the reason that I felt beat down and insecure. He was the reason my anxiety level and exhaustion were so high. At this point, I found myself all over the board emotionally. I rotated between disbelief, resistance, despair, grief, denial, anger, even rage. This was the roller coaster from hell!

At this point, the need for external validation is incredibly strong! You have received practically no validation from your partner or anyone else up to now. Many victims, including myself, will desperately try to get their partner to see how they are treating them. You want them, so badly, to see the abuse they are dishing out for what it is. Maybe this is in hopes that they will change. Maybe it is because you want them, just once, to finally feel bad about it.

In this stage, anger is strong in the victim. They vent to anyone who will listen. The desire to expose the abuse is huge. Revenge is screaming at their heart. “Look at what they did to me! This isn’t right! It isn’t fair! Look how much it has hurt my children!” Daily, you gather more evidence and more examples of the abuse. You want to scream this from the rooftop!

A problem arises though, your friends and family don’t see it. They don’t understand what you are saying. They don’t agree that you have been abused. They tell you that you are over-reacting or being petty. This is incredibly painful!!! A harder hit than some of the abuse itself. Despair and self-doubt replace the anger.

What do I do now??

The Survivor

The second phase is that of the survivor. When does it hit? It hits when you run out of fuel in the victim phase, when you just have no energy left and can’t take it anymore. This is when you fully realize that they are never going to get it and you stop trying to explain it to them or change them.

Everyone stays in the first phase of being a victim for different lengths of time. How long you stay is based on various factors:

• Your own awareness of the abuse

• Length and intensity of the relationship

• If you have kids with them and the age of the kids

• How hooked you were by their love-bombing

• The extent of your own support group

• How secure or scared you feel about leaving

• How determined you are to change them

• Your willingness or unwillingness to accept that they will never get it and move on

• Your willingness to stand up for yourself

None of these things make you a bad person or the one responsible for the break-down of the relationship. They do however play a huge role in determining the amount of time you remain hooked in the narcissistic relationship. Some people run for their lives early in the relationship, maybe one year in and before marriage or kids. Others, however, remain for decades, as many as 40 or 50 years.

For me, the survivor phase hit when my energy tanked out. I had nothing left inside me. My fuel tank was empty, and I hit rock bottom. I no longer had any desire left to try to explain anything to him. I had tried so hard, and he combatted everything I said, all the time. I was done!

At this point, I realized that this was having a huge effect on my physical health and mental and emotional well-being. So survivor mode kicked in. It was time to quit trying to help him and instead to focus on helping myself. I became completely indifferent to him. I no longer cared what he thought or said. I no longer reacted to his attempts at baiting me. I no longer wanted revenge, as this just kept me trapped in his web. I just wanted out. I later discovered that this is called going Grey Rock. I didn’t know it had a name until much later. For more on grey rock, read my recent post When I told my Covert Narcissist that I was Done

One other gigantic step to move from victim to survivor is to quit gathering evidence of the abuse! This is extremely necessary. Yes, in the beginning, you need to gather the evidence. You need to prove to yourself that you aren’t crazy and that he/she is abusing you. You need to get clarity in why you feel the way you do. But at some point, in order to move forward in your own healing, you have to stop gathering evidence. You need to trust what you have learned and close your case. You must be able to say, “Now, the prosecution rests.”

The realization that they are never going to get it is a tough one, but also a very freeing one. You no longer feel responsible to be the one to show them. It wasn’t my job anymore. I can’t change him, but I can change me. So I started taking steps toward moving one. Everyday I simply did the next right thing, whatever that was. Sometimes they were small things and sometimes they were huge things.

It is easy to get stuck in the victim phase. Move on!! You have much better ways to spend your time and energy. You have other things to think about and do. You have other people that need you in their life. Your thoughts and feelings do matter in this world. They don’t matter to your narcissist. So staying in the victim role, still battling with him/her, will keep you feeling like you don’t matter. You will continue to desperately try to prove that you do. There is life outside of narcissism. Start taking care of you and your family because you deserve it.

The Victor

The Victor phase is amazing!! This is a phase of empowerment and growth. You have truly moved on in life and no longer think about this narcissist thing.

How do you know when you have reached this phase?

• When you no longer wake up every morning with him/her on your mind.

• When the constant internal arguments are gone.

• When you all of a sudden realize that you haven’t thought about him/her in a long time.

• When you realize that you carry positive energy for a change.

Please know that it is impossible to get entirely to the phase of victor if you cannot get him/her completely out of your head. If you are still seeking revenge, you won’t get there. If you are still holding on to the anger, you won’t get there. If you are still checking their social media, you won’t get there. Unfortunately, if you are still raising kids together, you won’t get there….not entirely….not yet.

If you are not quite to this phase yet and want to be, you might ask yourself these questions.

• What would I be thinking about if I wasn’t thinking about him/her and all this narcissistic garbage?

• What would I be doing with my day if he/she had never been a part of it?

• What would I be researching on the internet if I wasn’t googling narcissism, emotional abuse, unhappy marriage, etc?

Find a few things in life that you really enjoy, things that make you feel happy and satisfied. Think about these things. Ponder them and explore them. Learn more about them. Make them a hobby and use them to begin to occupy that time you are trying to fill with other things. Learn about the resources out there. Find others who share this interest. What kind of things? you might ask. I don’t know where to start. Here are a few suggestions: dancing, nature, reading, music, sports, cultural history, photography, a new language. There are so many wonderful options out there.

In this process, pay close attention to your thoughts. They will try to wonder back to all the garbage of your past, especially at first. Don’t sweat that too much. It is that way for everyone. Just be aware of it and purposefully shift your thoughts back to your new positive things to ponder. There are a ton a great resources out there on mindfulness. To get started, check out my Resources page. Give yourself permission to move on and enjoy life once again.

There is life after narcissism!!

When I Told my Covert Narcissist that I was Done

You can read in my last blog post what lead up to the actual decision to file for divorce. The emotional energy in the house had reached an all-time high. This family was about to explode! I was about to explode!

I told my family that I was ready to tell him that I am truly done. It is time to file for divorce. I waited until the weekend, so we had more time to talk. Everyone was nervous about how he would react. Would he explode in a rage? Would he turn violent? Would he meltdown with crocodile tears? I didn’t know, but I had reached a point that I didn’t care anymore.

So on Saturday afternoon, September 8, 2018, I told him. I said that I want out of the marriage and that it was time. I don’t want to try any longer to fix this. I don’t have the energy to pour into it anymore. I’m exhausted and done. I told him that I was sorry, that this was not what I had planned when we married 20 years ago.

Grey Rock

Now you want to know what grey rock is? It is the art of not reacting to them. Read on.

Then I waited for his response. Tears started forming in his eyes, tears that I haven’t seen through almost our entire marriage. He calmly said to me, “I have to admit that I am not surprised.” He went to say that he hated this and really doesn’t understand how we ended up here. He cried actual tears, saying, “I’m going to miss your family so much.” My family??? Really?? The family that when we spend time together, he hides in a corner to play games on his phone or sleep on the couch. He’s going to miss my family?? But I did not react, grey rock.

So he changed his approach. He cried more tears saying how much he will miss this house. Really?? The house that he has been trying to get us to move out of, almost since the day we moved in. A year or so ago, he finally talked me into considering building a brand new home together. We had chosen a lot, a floor plan, and even started selecting the decor, when he backed out. He isn’t going to miss this house! But I did not react, grey rock.

I didn’t give any attention to his tears. I simply sat there, boring, with no reaction. So he moved on. Now he calmly told me that he thinks I am a very angry person. He said that he thinks I don’t realize how angry I am and that it is on a subconscious level. Really?? Me? The one he has repeatedly told is the single best person he has ever met. Again, I did not react, grey rock.

So he shifted once more. He told me how he thinks that he has done nothing but show support and love to this family. He stated that he has supported us in all our endeavors. He talked about how he has gone to all of our Taekwondo tournaments. You mean the ones where you sat in the corner on your phone and even slept in the corner of the gym? Once more, I did not react, grey rock.

So now he wanted to be Mr. Nice Guy. He told me that the one thing his parents did right was that they divorced peacefully. He said that he wants to do that too. He wanted to know if we could work through one attorney and make all the financial decisions ourselves. I told him that I was fine with that, for the most part. I told him that his financial knowledge is far greater than mine and that makes me nervous. I do want to hire an attorney for me, so I have someone to run questions by. He asked for one week to process all this before I filed. Very reluctantly and after some persistence from him, I agreed.

The conversation ended there, and I left the house to run some errands. There is a ton of power in not reacting to them. That has taken me years to fully learn, but it definitely worked that day.

When I returned a few hours later, I offered to make some dinner. He said, “No thanks, I don’t think I could eat.” “Ok,” I said, “suit yourself.” I was starving for the first time in over two weeks. I fixed a great dinner for my son and me, and I chowed down.

Here we go again

Two days later, he wanted to talk. He asked me to tell him again why I am so unhappy with him. I said no, that I was not going to try to explain it anymore. He said that he firmly believes if he could just understand what it is that he needs to do or not do that he would fix this. After he kept pushing, knowing that I shouldn’t, I finally tried again. I said, “I strongly feel that you do not communicate with compassion. You do not recognize how much you hurt other people's feelings. When we try to express to you how you have hurt our feelings, you barely acknowledge that. You don't apologize and you then tell us that everything is our fault. These are the same words that I have been saying to you for years.” And what happened? You already know. We looped right back into one of those circular conversations from hell.

He said, “I see pain in you and the boys that I somehow caused.” He went on to explain that he has done nothing but try to make us feel safe and loved. I said, “I truly wish you understood. I wish you could see it. We could have had such a beautiful marriage together.”

I told him that I am emotionally exhausted and empty, that I reached a point that I just quit trying. That doesn't make me right or completely wrong, just exhausted. He then shot at me, “I think you gave up much sooner than you think you did.” With instant tears in my eyes, I fired back, “Don't you dare say that!” He immediately apologized saying, “I'm sorry, I'm not supposed to go there,” in his pompous way.

I said several times, “We aren't even close. I think I have tried so hard to help and explain. You don't even think I've tried. And vice versa.”

I told him, once again, that he doesn't ever apologize. He couldn't believe that I felt this way. He said that he thinks he is quick to apologize when he is wrong. (Maybe that's it. He just believes that he is never wrong) He asked for an example. I told him about once when I was talking to him about spending too much time on his games and electronics. Instead of apologizing or validating my feelings in any way, he said, “Well, you lay on the couch and stretch.” I said, “I didn't even know how to respond to that.” He said, “I don't remember that. If that is what I said, then I am sorry. That was a poor response, but it doesn't sound like me. That's not the sort of thing I would say.” That’s exactly the sort of thing that he would say!

I knew better than to get back into this loop with him. But I guess I decided that I would give it one last effort. Unlike my past, the circular conversations from hell no longer churn my stomach and send my head in a downward spiral. I walked away, ate a healthy dinner and slept great.

Round 3,784

The night before I filed for divorce, he asked if we could talk. Here we go again! How many circular conversations have I lived through?? Who knows?

He started by telling me that he doesn’t want to interfere with my plans, that when I ready to file for divorce I should. I simply said, “Ok.” Then he went on to tell me that he can’t believe that our marriage is going to end at 20 years when his dad made it to 23 years. He can’t believe that he is worse than his dad. He actually said this. I could not believe my ears. I responded, “This isn’t a competition! Please don’t compare us to them.” He said, “I know it isn’t, and I’m not comparing. But if we had just made it 23 years and 6 months, then I could say that I am better than my dad.” WHAT!!!

He said that he is reading the book, After the Tears, again. It is a book for Adult Children of Alcoholics. He has read it before. He said that this time he is thinking about him instead of about how to fix me. In the past, when he read it, he was applying it to me, but not this time. He went on to say that he thinks that part of our problem is that I read books trying to fix him, instead of me. I started to tell him about all the many books I have read for becoming a better person. He interrupted me, saying, “I don't want you to think that I haven't read many books or listened to tapes for how to make myself a better person.” I didn’t respond. Then he hesitated, like he had caught himself, and said, “Oh, I'm trying not to get defensive here.”

He told me that he doesn’t know how to have fun anymore. He said that both his parents gave him money for Christmas with the instructions to spend it doing something fun. This is September. He still has the money in his wallet because he can’t find a way to spend it.

He said, “I'm realizing that I might be the problem here. My eyes are opening to this. If you were the only one telling me, then I could still say it is you. But now the boys are telling me. I see that I blame things on everyone else. I see my reactions to things and realize that I haven’t let go of the past as much as I thought. I thought I had worked through my issues from childhood, but I think maybe I haven’t. I’m reading this book and realizing that a lot of what it says are things that you have been saying to me for years.

I want to go to counseling and get help. I think when I went to the counselor with you, it was like when I went as a teenager. I thought I had everything fixed already and didn’t need him. After I get help, then maybe we can do marriage counseling to fix our communication issues.”

Even with all that he said, there was still no apology! Never once did he simply look at me and say, “I’m sorry.”

So I filed for divorce the next day. I felt so at peace. I know this is the right time.

Round…..? Who knows? I lost count years ago!

A couple of days later, he came and sat down at the table while I was eating dinner. Once again he sat there, pensively, in silence. He holds such an uncomfortable place of silence, clearly wanting to say something. He holds you there, trapped like a prisoner. Finally he spoke up, “I've been trying to figure out how we got to where we are.” He says this 3 days after telling me that he recognizes the problems in him. He now goes on to say, “You don’t ever seem to think that I apology, and I think that I am quick to apologize. So I went to the library and got a book about apologizing. You know, apologies common in  different shapes and sizes. I believe that I am quick to apologize. I think the problem we are having is step two in this book, that you don’t accept my apologies. I think that is the piece that is missing. So I'm sorry. Now do you accept my apology?” Does he really think that clears everything up?

I looked him straight in the face and said, “Honey, I forgive you.” I then explained that this isn't going to change anything because this is far more complicated than the issue of apologizing. When I said a lot of this goes back to the issue of communication, he said if that is the case, then I'm going to go back to saying that we need to go together to a marriage counselor.

Everything he said 3 days ago has gone right out the window. He didn’t believe any of those words about his responsibility in this. He used to tell the boys often, “I know that you're just sitting there trying to figure out what to say to get me to shut up.” That was simply projection, because that is exactly what he does. He is just trying to figure out what to say to get me to shut up and not go through with divorce. Nothing comes from the heart, and nothing has any meaning. These conversations might cause many people confusion inside themselves. For me, they brought clarity. This is the right direction! I’m done!

A New Direction

Many of the conversations that came after filing for divorce were the most honest and productive conversations we have had in years. As the attempts at “fixing” our marriage went away, things were so much calmer. He was far more cooperative and peaceful than I expected. Yes, he would still take shots, making sure that I knew this was all my fault. But I have become extremely skillful at not reacting!

He quit pushing on our youngest son. He started working on a plan for my son and me to stay in the house. He wants us to keep the pets with us and have a place for our oldest to stay when he comes home from college. He is trying to balance the finances between us in a way that is fair. When I proposed an alimony amount, he offered to pay more. He is open to me asking questions about it and isn’t making me feel stupid or uncomfortable. He seems to really want what is best for me and the boys.

Confusing?? Not really. This is the man that I fell in love with, the one I married. I haven’t seen him in years. It is refreshing to know that there is something there that was valid and promising. I didn’t marry the “monster” that I ended up living with for 2 decades.

Do I want to take him back? Hell no! While it is refreshing to see all this, it does not make me want to take him back. I can’t. He is simply too painful to live with. He has a project now, a mission, to make this divorce work. He is good at projects. But he is simply not capable of caring for the emotional needs of another person. I can never go back!

When you decide that you are done, be done. They will try every approach they know to convince you to stay. Don’t react. Remember all the frustrations, all the tears, all the harsh words, all the blame. A well-written speech does not erase all of that or fix them for the future. If you are having trouble holding your ground about leaving, start journaling. Write down the things you can remember about how you have been treated and about how your kids have been treated. Anytime you start to question, go back and read your own words.This should erase any doubt you have. When you are done, be done. Anything short of this means you aren’t really done!

How did I know it was time to file for divorce?

I am in a 20 year marriage, and divorce has been coming for a long time. For a few years now, my friends and family have been asking me when I am actually going to file. My answer has always been, “I don’t know, but I am confident that I will know when it is time.” Every day it just didn’t feel right yet. That was okay, because every day I did the next right thing to get me closer to ready. These steps ranged from packing up some sentimental family items that I didn’t want to fight over to taking one of the boys to our trusted and amazing counselor. It included documenting things that had happened that week and even talking with his mom about what was going on. One step at a time, I put things in place, not only for the impending divorce but also for the necessary healing for me and our boys.

My Heart Knew

About 3 weeks ago, the emotional tension in our house hit an all time high. As most of my readers know, we have 2 boys together in this marriage. In August this year, our oldest son went off to college. I was concerned about this change in our household dynamics. As I feared, our youngest son became the new target for my husband. For whatever reason, my husband decided that he now needed to “fix” his relationship with our youngest son. What this means in reality is that our youngest son needs to put more effort into the relationship and make his dad feel better about himself. The conversations that this brings are extremely painful to the victim. You get told that you are to blame for everything and that all the things you have ever done are wrong. Everything you say gets turned around and used against you. You feel absolutely not good enough, completely empty, and painfully worthless.

These conversations were starting to happen on a daily basis. I watched our youngest son as he more and more distanced himself from the world. A wall was going up around his heart and anger was winning. Absolutely not!! Not to my son! Maybe it was time??

I have known for several years that divorce was coming. I have poured EVERY ounce of energy I had into helping this marriage, into trying to connect with my husband on a deeper emotional level in hopes that we could draw closer. I have exhausted every resource I had, plus created some of my own. I reached out to everyone that I thought could help him and us. Nothing ever changed! My hopes have been crushed so many times that I feel like roadkill on the side of the highway. My fuel tank is completely dry.

Then that day came. The first day ever that I felt like the next step was actually to file for divorce. I couldn’t believe it. I always had said that I would know, and somehow now I knew. This was a day that I had been waiting for for years. How did I know? I just knew.

My Body Knew

As this realization came to me, I became aware that even my body had known. You see, about a month earlier, I ran a fever for almost a week. There was no apparent reason. I wasn’t actually sick. I didn’t have a cold or a bug. Each day, I woke up feeling okay, but by the afternoon I had a fever of 102. I drank a ton, took my vitamins and essential oils, slept extra, even took a couple days off work. But nothing was helping. Realizing that I wasn’t going to beat this, I finally went to the doctor. After checking me over, she said, “I’m not sure what this is, but I think you have some type of infection.” She could not figure out why I was running the fever but wanted to put me on antibiotics. The antibiotics immediately took care of it. I finished them out and didn’t think anymore of it.

However over the next few weeks, there were many times that I felt that fever was coming back. The back of my neck and inside of my head felt incredibly hot. I wondered if it was hot flashes. I am approaching that age and have never had those yet. But this feeling of a fever lasted for half a day. I checked my temp often, but it came back normal every time. On the inside, I felt like my blood was boiling. I could feel that fever burning hot. I asked one of my friends multiple times if I felt hot to her. Each time she said no. When I had asked her on repeated days, she finally asked me what was going on. I told her that the fever was back but only on the inside. I really felt like something was starting to be very wrong with my body.

I think I had finally reached a point that my body could not take the stress level anymore. It was reacting and trying to get my attention. If this continued, I believe I really would have paid a high price.

I Listened

So how did I know it was time? I listened to my heart, and I listened to my body. When I went to actually sign the divorce papers, I thought that I might be rather emotional. I really wasn't sure how I would react in that moment. As it turns out, I was not emotional at all. When the time came to sign, my hands were shaky, and my heart was pounding. But I was overwhelmed with a feeling of peace and a sense of relief. I knew it was time!

So where are you on this journey? Are you still fighting for your marriage? For your life? For your kids? I get it. I fought long and hard. Are you counting your days until you can get out? Is divorce hanging over your head?

No matter where you are on that journey, you are not alone! I am so sorry for where you find yourself. It is not a path that you planned or ever imagined would come your way. This is not what you signed up for. It isn’t what you wanted for yourself or your kids. Please continue to reach out for help. Find your support group. There are many out there who have traveled this road ahead of you. There is life after narcissism! Take it one step at a time. Brighter days are ahead for you!

Coming soon is my next post which is how he reacted to my filing for divorce. We are in the whole process now. I have lots to learn, but am still taking it one single step at a time.

Why do narcissists give only misery?

They seem to have the best of intentions. They say they love you. They say they want what is best for you. They say they want peace and happiness with you. Yet, everyone is miserable. Why??

You can only really give that which you have. If all you have inside is misery, then that is really all you can give to others. If you have jealousy, then you give jealousy. If you have anger, then you give anger. Sure you may be able to give glimpses of happiness when you do a favor for someone, but it isn’t sustainable.

If you have joy on the inside, then you give joy. If you have compassion, then you give compassion. If you have peace, then you give peace. Sure, even these people give glimpses of anger and crankiness, but it isn’t sustainable.

A miserable person may truly wish to help others on a deep level. This isn’t a question of good intentions. They may honestly WANT to make other people’s lives better and to serve others. The desire is there and real. They can serve the poor, help the sick, volunteer in hospitals and schools. They can even try to help their children and spouse. They can do chores around the house and do favors for their family. They can try to talk, counsel and give guidance. While some of these “things” may be useful to those around them, it will be shallow and short-lived. A miserable person cannot give genuine compassion to others. They can only give misery.

Again, I’m not saying that they don’t want to give compassion, that they don’t want to help. Some of them truly do. They are simply incapable of it. Many parents want to help their children, but instead are destroying them. Their parents destroyed them with their own misery and now they are destroying their own children with it. Thus misery continues, and the cycle continues.

A miserable person can and often will try to hide their misery. They cover it and mask it. They can do such a great job of this that it stays hidden for decades. They can even go so far as to hide it from themselves quite successfully. But eventually, those closest to them start to recognize that something is wrong. They start to feel uncomfortable and guarded around this person. Often at the beginning, they do not even know why. What is happening is that they are feeling the misery.

In my early marriage, I thought I had found the most wonderful husband ever. He seemed perfect for me. He appeared to really care about me and the world around us. My family loved him, and I loved his family. I felt truly blessed to have found such a great match and thought that we would be incredibly successful together. We got married, and things were great for quite some time.

Yet as the years went by, I began to feel more and more uncomfortable around him. I couldn’t put my finger on why though. I thought it was me. Maybe I wasn’t being loving enough. Maybe I wasn’t be forgiving enough when he hurt my feelings. Maybe I wasn’t trying hard enough. I knew that marriage takes effort. I remember telling myself, “Every marriage has issues. No matter who my husband might be, we would still go through phases of this. So it’s okay, and I just need to keep loving him.”

So I tried harder. But this never got better. In fact, it kept growing. I began to feel miserable around him. I didn’t like the way he talked to me and our boys. He seemed so cold and harsh so often. Yet, he always told me that he loved me and the boys.

I talked with him one day about compassion. He told me that he is an extremely compassionate person. When I questioned this, he got quite adamant about it. He told me that if I am going to tell him that he is not a compassionate person then that was going to make him very unhappy. He was so convinced. So I started asking myself, “If he is such a compassionate person, then what is wrong here?” He clearly “wants” to be a compassionate person.

Years of researching and exploring has opened my eyes. People in healthy relationships don’t spend their time googling words like toxic relationships, narcissism, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and so on.

It is quite simple - miserable people create misery for those closest to them. I realized that my husband desired to create a loving and positive environment, but that he simply wasn’t capable of it. His internal environment was full of turmoil and misery.

If you are in a similar relationship, with a spouse, a parent, a family member, etc, you may be asking yourself, “Do I really believe that they don’t love me?” You may be convinced that they do love you and yet the relationship is full of pitfalls. No, you aren’t crazy! It is very possible that they truly want to love you. They are like the clown that WANTS to cheer everyone up, but just can’t ever get their themselves.

Does this mean you need to have compassion for them, help them and stay with them?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having compassion for them. In fact, I think that is a wonderful and beautiful thing. You have compassion because of your own beauty inside of you.

Should you help them? No, absolutely not. You can’t! They will not hear it from you, and you will go crazy trying. If they are ever going to get help, it cannot come from those closest to them.

Should you stay with them? NO! Their misery is strong and it runs deep in them. Just think about how long it has been there. You can wish them the best and sincerely hope that they get help somewhere, somehow. But that misery will rub off on you if you stay. It is okay to have compassion for them and still leave.

You don’t have to hate them in order to walk away. You can recognize that they want a healthy relationship, but they simply aren’t capable of it. Not only that, they are not able to do the intense work that it will take for them to get there. You don’t have to fix them or this relationship. No one ever said that you have to be their miracle worker!