They Want to Be a Compassionate Person

A miserable person can and often will try to hide their misery. They cover it and mask it. They can do such a great job of this that it stays hidden for decades. They can even go so far as to hide it from themselves quite successfully. But eventually, those closest to them start to recognize that something is wrong. They start to feel uncomfortable and guarded around this person. Often at the beginning, they do not even know why.

 “If he is such a compassionate person, then what is wrong here?” He clearly “wants” to be a compassionate person.

Years of researching and exploring opened my eyes. It is quite simple - miserable people create misery for those closest to them. I realized that my husband desired to create a loving and positive environment, but that he simply wasn’t capable of it. His internal environment was full of turmoil and misery.

If you are in a similar relationship, with a spouse, a parent, a family member, etc, you may be asking yourself, “Do I really believe that they don’t love me?” You may be convinced that they do love you and yet the relationship is full of pitfalls. No, you aren’t crazy! It is very possible that they truly want to love you. They are like the clown that WANTS to cheer everyone up, but just can’t ever get there themselves.

Brinkmanship

I remember my husband telling me in our early marriage that brinkmanship was his favorite word ever. I thought it was odd and didn’t even really know the word. I looked it up and found this even weirder. I had no idea what this would come to mean for me.

Brinkmanship is the art or practice of pushing a dangerous situation or confrontation to the limit of safety, especially to force a desired outcome. It is the technique or practice of maneuvering a dangerous situation to the limits of tolerance or safety in order to secure the greatest advantage, especially by creating diplomatic crises. 

He said that he would push his friends just far enough to make them really mad but not quite far enough to send them over the edge. He enjoyed watching them squirm in their discomfort, as well as having the power to pull them back down. He was quite proud of his skills in brinkmanship.

This played out in our 21 year marriage. He pushed situations to their breaking point. He pushed me and our kids to the brink, the edge of a cliff to get the outcome he wanted. He repeatedly made us as uncomfortable as he possibly could until we gave in.

He often made us miserable with his attitude, reactions, short comments, snippy-ness. It got what he wanted though, for all of us to tap-dance around HIS moods, for us to bend over backwards to accommodate HIS wants and desires. We all took responsibility for any situation just to make peace. I would be the one apologizing to him just to make things calmer and bearable.

He got what he wanted by pushing us past the point of tolerance and emotional safety, over and over. This is no way to live!! It destroys all the relationships involved and each individual person as well.

If you are living this way, you need to step back from that edge. Step around this abuser in your life and make your own space of safety. You will never find your safety in a person who enjoys brinkmanship. 

Where does this precious safety lie? In a couple safe friends that you can open up to. In a few safe family members. In a therapist or counselor. In group coaching sessions. In online support groups. Most importantly, in yourself, learning your value as a person and that you deserve a peaceful and safe environment. 

Breadcrumbs

They give you just enough breadcrumbs to make you believe in them.

One good evening can erase a whole lot of bad in your mind. This is who he really is. See, he really is a good person. A small glimpse of goodness can erase several days, weeks, or even months of bad behavior. Finally, he is back! This is what I have been waiting for. You feel relieved, even ecstatic. You drop your guard and relax, only for the cycle to start all over again.

There is just enough truth in what they say to make you feel like everything is good. They point out something they just did for you or the kids. Something they said that you liked. And they are right. You admit that in your mind. All of a sudden, you are now doubting that there is even a problem at all. Maybe you are imagining it. Maybe things aren’t that bad.

Then they also throw in just enough truth to make you think that everything is truly your fault. They point out something you did or said. And they are right. You did do that. STOP right there though. Yes, maybe you did do that, but that doesn’t change anything about all the things they have done or said or not done or not said. It is just another way for them to take the focus off themselves and put it all back on you.

One of the reasons we give them the benefit of the doubt so much is because of our intense desire for them to be the good person we see in those breadcrumbs. We so badly want that to be the person we married or are in a relationship with, so we cling to those glimpses of good and build our whole life around them.

One of the best tools for for dealing with this is to make a list of the good behavior and make a list of the bad behavior. Be honest with these lists. Compare them to each other. If the good behavior outweighs the bad, then be grateful and enjoy the good times. However, if the bad behavior far outweighs the good, then you are living on breadcrumbs.

Defending Yourself

As a victim of covert narcissistic abuse, you have a mind that is going a million miles per hour. When you have a need or desire and actually want to express it, you do not feel that you can do this. You have been taught that your needs and desires do not matter and that you are wrong for even having them in the first place.

So when you want to express a need or desire, you are already defending it before you even utter a word. Your mind is already coming up with 50 reasons why you need this, whatever it is.

For example, you can’t just go out with a friend because you want to. You have to have a reason, a justification. Something like “They are going through a rough time and need support” (whether this is actually true or not). “They need a night away from their kids.” (It can’t ever be about what you need) “It’s the only night they can do it. We’ve been trying to get together for several months.” (Even if this just came up at the last minute)

Again, you can’t be honest and just say that you simply want to go out with this friend. You make excuses for going out with other people, friends and/or family, even your own kids. You have been taught repeatedly that your own needs and desires don’t matter. The jealousy of a covert narcissist is extremely high when you are getting your needs met and they are not. When you go out with that friend, you pay a very high price when you get back.

Another example of this is when we feel we can’t say no to the covert narcissist. The simple answer of “no” is not sufficient. We feel we have to justify why we don’t want to do what they are suggesting. If they want to go out to eat, but we really aren’t wanting to, we can’t just say, “No, I would rather stay home tonight.” We have to have a reason and are already prepping that in our mind. “I don’t feel good. It’s too expensive. I don’t like that restaurant’s food.” Your mind spends so much energy coming up with the “right” way to say no.

Even when you are out of the relationship, you can still feel the need to always explain yourself and defend yourself. You do not have to defend yourself to anyone!! You do not owe anyone an explanation! No can simply mean no. You are allowed to have your own opinions and desires. But you will probably need to purposefully stop defending yourself and your choices. 

But it Could be Worse

I know other people have it worse, so my situation just isn’t that bad. I should be grateful that it isn’t worse.

Maybe I am making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe it really isn’t a problem. I have heard these exact words from many victims of covert narcissistic abuse. In fact, I have even said them myself.

So, let me ask you something. If you have a broken leg, do you think, “Well, some people lose their leg entirely, so since it could be worse, I’ll just tough it out and keep my mouth shut about it.” Do you choose to not seek medical help because someone else, somewhere, has it worse than you do?

You don’t decide to just be grateful and thus not fix your broken leg simply because their situation is worse. This wouldn’t make sense to anyone around you. Your entire family and circle of friends would be all over you to get yourself to the doctor and take care of your leg.

Pain is pain, and healing is needed!

It is, of course, okay to recognize that things could be worse. Let me be clear, there is nothing wrong with being grateful that things aren’t worse, or more dire. But this doesn’t mean you have to stay or put up with abuse just because it could be worse. This doesn’t mean that you don’t need support and help. It doesn’t mean that you don’t need answers. A broken leg still needs attention and care!

Belief in the Goodness of Others

Your belief in the goodness of others is not a bad thing, but it can certainly cause problems. It can lead you to be willing to overlook the faults of others and set you up for abusive relationships.

For many years of my marriage, I never considered that my husband was abusive or NOT a good person. Of course he was a good person. How could he not be? I made excuses for his bad behavior. He doesn’t feel good today. He is stressed from work. He’s tired. He’s worried about a big project.

My belief in the goodness of him says more about me than it does about him. I want people to be good. I want people to care for each other, to love each other, to live in peace with each other. I so badly wanted him to be a good person, and I refused to consider otherwise. So I overlooked all the red flags for years.

If you grew up under an abusive parent, this can certainly magnify the problem. It causes so much confusion in a youngster. The thought that your parent could be a bad person isn’t even considered. This is your mom or your dad. You believe in them and turn to them for love and support. So you grow up believing that a bad person is truly a good person. This leads to a lot of internal confusion, and you aren’t even aware of it. So later in life, someone can be abusive to you and you might remain convinced for years that they are a good person.

Hang on to that desire for others to be good people, loving and peaceful. Nothing wrong with that. Just keep a reality check with it. Just because you want someone to be a good person does not mean that they are. Look at their attitudes, behaviors, words, actions and see them for what they are. You can be sad that they are a bad person, but you cannot “will” them into being a good person.

Don't all Relationships have Their Problems Though

I remember early in our marriage when things got ugly, I would think to myself, “Every marriage has issues though. It would be the same with anyone else.”

He snapped at me because I told him that he had toothpaste on his mouth.

He got angry because I hung pictures in the house without asking him, even though he had told me that he didn’t care.

These seemed so minor and just like any other marriage. I knew my parents had times they got mad at each other, and they have been happily married over 50 years. My friends had conflicts in their marriages. Isn’t this normal? Wouldn’t it be like this no matter who I married?

What I didn’t realize at the time was that we never reconciled. He blew up over something trivial, I made apologies, but we never made amends. He never offered any apologies. He never carried ANY of the blame with me. I did all the apologizing, and then I swept everything under the rug as fast as I could. 

There was no mutual forgiveness and no reconciliation with each other. Instead, as everything just got swept under the rug, it was never talked about again. I remember laying in bed at night, thinking to myself, “I will NEVER bring that up again!” I always paid a high price anytime I tried to clear things from under the rug, so that pile under the rug just got bigger and bigger.

When I had a disagreement with a friend or a family member, it didn’t seem to be as big of a deal. We would apologize and forgive, and no hard feelings lingered. I used to think that maybe this is just because of the complications of being married. It’s harder when it is on an intimate level. I guess all marriages are like this. I just have to keep working at it. Maybe someday we will get it.

I sure was wrong!! Not all marriages are like this. It isn’t because of the intimacy of the relationship. It is because we could never find a place of reconciliation. When you are in a truly loving relationship, reconciliation is something you experience often. The issue wasn’t about all the little disagreements and trivial problems. Yes, we sound trivial when trying to explain what is going on in our marriage. This is because the real issue is the lack of reconciliation, not the trivial little disagreements.

When your friend explains a similar trivial problem in their marriage and is able to laugh about it now, it is because they found reconciliation afterwards. They carried mutual blame and understanding. They found middle ground and resolved it. The problem is gone, never to be thought of again. It doesn’t linger, it doesn’t add up, because it was resolved.

When you are with a covert narcissist, that resolution and reconciliation never comes. Can you picture your spouse in the heat of the moment actually saying, “Oh, that makes sense. I can see why you would have thought that? I’m sorry for misunderstanding.”??? Or can you see them saying, “Hey, it’s okay that you misunderstood me. It happens. I’m sorry for not being more clear.”??? These are words that lead to resolution and reconciliation, and they are words that you will never hear from a covert narcissist.

You're the Only Person Who Thinks Like That

I was told that I am the only person who sees anger in him. He said that he asked his friends and co-workers. Friends?? He has no friends. He doesn’t do anything with anyone, ever. He sits in the house and plays video games, night after night and all day on the weekends.

When I finally asked him who he was talking about, he named friends from high school that he hadn’t seen in years. He named a friend who lives on the other side of the world, with whom he stays connected through email. Of course these friends don’t see anger in you. They don’t even see you!

Then he named his coworkers. Ok, at least these are people you see in your daily life. However, they have no social interactions outside of work. They only know him in the work environment, and most of that is computer interaction. They certainly don’t live with you.

Saying that you are the only person who thinks like that completely invalidates your feelings. It is an attempt to devalue what you are saying and prove you wrong. But again, these are people who do not live with you behind closed doors and are not a part of your intimate relationship. Even close friends are not IN the relationship. Their knowledge of all that is going on is still very limited.

In reality, it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. This relationship with this person is your relationship. No one else’s. If you don’t like the way you are being treated, who cares what the friends and coworkers think? This isn’t about them in the first place.

An Epiphany

You are allowed to walk this Earth in peace just like everyone else. The gift of a peaceful life is every bit as present for you as it is for anyone and everyone else. You are not obligated to live under stress and abuse. You CAN choose to spend each individual moment of your life doing things that are peaceful and that make you happy. You CAN choose to spend your time and energy on things that make you feel positive, productive, compassionate, and connected to others. You ARE allowed to be you!!

This epiphany hit me right between the eyes one day. Of course, it is true!! This is my life! I am allowed to live it! This realization became more valuable to me than anything else in the midst of the narcissistic nightmare that I was living. It floated in and out of my grasp and remained elusive at times. But I continued to bring myself back to it over and over.

This epiphany creates the most amazing feeling inside when you truly connect with it. It is an overwhelming feeling of peacefulness. Each time you find it, it releases a little bit more of the tension and stress that has been in the body for years and years. It frees you from the effects of narcissistic abuse. It feels so wonderful that you will want to cling to it forever. 

Am I the Narcissist

Just because you do something athletic does not make you an athlete. 

-Throwing a ball

-Kicking a ball

-Running (to catch a bus)

Just because you do something musical does not make you a musician

-Singing in the car

-Dancing in the living room

Just because you do something narcissistic does not make you a narcissist

-Silent treatment because everything you say is being used against you

-Getting overly defensive about something because you are tired of being attacked

-Having a moment of jealousy

-Over-stepping your boundaries

-Standing up for yourself

-Desiring for life to be about you for even a moment because you want to matter

-Greyrocking - short answers, not engaging, emotionally shut down

-Feeling like a victim

Yes, these are traits we see in covert narcissists. They show up in victims too as trauma responses and survival skills. Just because they show up in your struggle to survive this does not make you a covert narcissist!

We all have selfish moments. That does not make us a selfish person.

The narcissist in our life has generous moments. Does that make them a generous person?

My ex even had compassionate moments. He certainly was NOT a compassionate person.

When you see glimpses of narcissism in you and question this, remember that if you are asking if you are a narcissist, then that is a huge sign that you are not. Narcissistic people do not genuinely ask themselves if they are narcissistic. They may ask another person simply to receive validation that they are not. But they will not ask themselves and self-reflect within.

What you are experiencing when you see those moments of narcissism in you is reactive abuse. When you have been pushed to an edge over and over and can’t do anything right, it is very normal to react. That reaction can be explosive and scary, yelling, hitting, throwing things, etc. It can make you look crazy and even make you feel that maybe you are. See it for what it is. You have been cornered enough times, and eventually the intense bottled up frustration comes out!

All My Fault

How do we rationalize that all this blame is ours?!?

I reached the point that everything he did wrong was my fault. Here are some examples, and the rationale that allowed me to accept the blame.
It was my fault he was addicted to gaming. I should have fussed at him more for being on the electronics.

• It was my fault he got mad at the other driver. I should have warned him and calmed him before they cut him off. Or I should have been the one driving.

• It was my fault he stormed out of the volleyball game. I should have called that shot, telling everyone whether it was in or out, playing the peacemaker that I am.

• It was my fault he verbally abused our kids. I should have kept our children quieter around him, making sure they were only peaceful and happy in his presence.

• It was my fault that he was being a jerk. I should have anticipated all these little offenses and stopped them before they reached him or before he started to react.

Taking this blame is what pushes a victim to overthink and overanalyze everything. You are constantly trying to stay three steps ahead of them. Trying to anticipate everything that could possibly go wrong so that they never get upset.

This way of living is simply not sustainable. It is exhausting and takes a horrible toll on your life, your energy, your health, your relationships, everything.

Make a list of the things you blame yourself for. Write them all down. Cross off the ones that are NOT your fault. Rewrite them!!

• It was not my fault he was addicted to gaming. He chooses how he spends his time.

• It was not my fault he got mad at the other driver. He chooses his own interactions with others.

• It was not my fault he stormed out of the volleyball game. I’m not the referee.

• It was not my fault he verbally abused our kids. He chooses how he parents.

• It was not my fault he was being a jerk. He chooses his own behaviors.

At the end of your list, write “That’s on him!!” (Or her if the case may be)

Abuse is Abuse and Abuse is Wrong

So how many traits do they have to carry in order to be a covert narcissist? I get asked this by a lot of victims. My partner does this one and that one, but not these. I hear so many people say that covert narcissists do this, but mine doesn’t do that. Does this mean they aren’t a covert narcissist?

People are trying desperately to make sense of their situation. They want clear cut answers. They want to know so they can validate their decision to leave the relationship or not. Trouble is there are no clear cut answers with covert narcissism.

Yes, there are many similarities in all our stories. At times, we can all feel like we are talking about the same person. I have heard from so many people that I could be talking about their own life when I tell my story. It is like they all took the same course on how to be a nightmare.

Yet covert narcissism is not one size fits all. Differences still remain. Knowing the similarities definitely helps us to not feel crazy. Hearing others describe the same situations we have been living makes us no longer feel so alone and isolated.

It isn't a clear cut formula. There is no magical "number of traits." It just isn't that simple. And it doesn't entirely matter. Whether they are actually a narcissist or not is not what matters. What matters is how they are treating you!

Don’t get caught up in trying to determine if he/she truly is a covert narcissist or not. Don’t count the signs, comparing how many they have and how many they don’t. There is no one single formula for this! Even one abusive trait can be enough to chase you out of the relationship.

Look at how they treat you. Look at how you feel around them. Are you genuinely happy to see them? Or does your heart sink when they get home? Listen to your heart! It already knows how you feel! It is trying to tell you!

A Thousand Bee Stings

The covert narcissist is a master at subtleness. Their attacks are not outright and in your face. But they are experts at making you feel stupid, worthless, despicable and miserable. Trying to explain their actions to others makes us sound trivial, petty and crazy. This is because most single occurrences with a covert narcissist are small and petty. But it isn’t about a single event. It is over and over for years and decades.

Their abuse is like a thousand bee stings. One or two bee stings here and there over the course of a lifetime would not be a problem. We wouldn’t even remember them over time. But imagine getting stung every single day of your life, multiple times a day, for years and years. For those who are living or have lived with a covert narcissist, we don’t have to imagine it. We have experienced it. It is unbearable!!

Imagine this - you get stung by a bee. You tell your best friend about it. You might get a moment of sympathy from your friend, but it would be extremely small and short-lived. The conversation would move on. Later that day you get stung again. You tell your friend. She might respond, “Wow, twice in one day. You sure are unlucky today.” Again, sympathy would be small, and life would move on.

Now a couple of days later, this cycle repeats itself. Your friend, who maybe has never been stung by a bee, is already slightly tired of hearing about it. She wants to talk about things other than bees. As this continues, you become obsessed with the bees that keep stinging you. At the same time, your friend is annoyed by it and thinks you are crazy. You have no scars or visible marks of any sort. To your friend, this seems like something that can easily be overlooked.

Your friends may try to convince you that bees are little and fairly innocent. Or that a bee sting doesn’t hurt that bad and you should get over it. They might even tell you that you are imagining this because no one gets stung that often. Or they might point out the great things that bees do for us, such as make honey and pollinate the flowers.

But you don’t want to hear any of this. After years of being stung, you want to extinguish every bee on the face of the earth!!!

This is like dealing with covert narcissism. The stings might seem small and insignificant in this world of violence. Everyone who watches the nightly news full of beatings and murders might tell you that this is nothing and you are over-reacting. You will hear from others that you are seeing things wrong and your perception is off. These individual events with your covert narcissist will seem so small and insignificant by themselves, like a single bee sting.

You will be told that it’s not really that big of a deal. They say things like, “What are you so upset about?” “You’re over-reacting!” “At least he isn’t hitting you!” “That’s nothing, let me tell you about what happened to me.”

This is crazy-making stuff!! In the “bee” situation, you would think you are losing your mind if you were being stung every single day. You would stop going outside. You would be constantly on the lookout for a bee. This would consume your mind.

It would be incredibly frustrating to keep trying to explain this to people who don’t believe you or don’t validate your feelings. Whether people believe you or not, you would eventually have to take it upon yourself and try to figure out why the bees keep stinging you. Why are the bees attracted to me? Why are they mad at me? Where are they coming from? What can I do about it? How do I get this stopped!?

Being with a covert narcissist is no different. You will be stung every single day, and maybe even every single conversation. You will be made to feel stupid and worthless all the time. They will manipulate everything to make you feel like every problem in the world is your fault. You will find yourself apologizing and don't even know why. Their words come out harshly and accusatory. When you try to make peace, they defend themselves aggressively and attack you at the same time. There is never any time that you feel safe from being stung.

People who have never been stung by covert narcissism are not going to be able to understand. They either won’t believe you or won’t validate your feelings. You can’t wait for them to get on board with you. Eventually, you have to take this into your own hands and try to get some answers. Why is he/she attacking me? Where is all this coming from? What can I do about it? How do I get this stopped!?

I assure you that you are not losing your mind. Your frustrations, your confusion, your hurt….it’s all real. You have a reason to feel the way you do. You have a reason to be searching for answers. You have a hurt soul that needs to be healed. The pain is real. The scars are real.

Don’t stay and just keep getting stung. Don’t try to convince yourself that it isn’t real. Don’t try to ignore it or grin and bear it. Don’t wait for everyone else to see it. They may never see it for themselves. You have to take action for yourself. No one can do it for you, but you can! You are stronger than you know!

A Strategic Communication Tool

Covert narcissists absolutely hate for the other person to be right. Especially if that person is a spouse, significant other, parent or child. They will disagree with you simply for the sake of disagreeing. Their immediate reaction to most of what you say is to tell you that you are wrong. Then they will explain their own point of view, saying the exact same thing you did. If you try to tell them that is the same as what you said, they will adamantly deny that and explain their point of view all over again. They will put words in your mouth, saying, “No, you said….” Those words will often not be anything like what you said. If you confront them on this, they often have a standard cop-out, “Well, I don’t remember exactly word for word, but it was something like that.” Their insistence of explaining how they were right and you were wrong is never-ending. You will go in infinite circles around and around. You will get absolutely nowhere!

If you must interact with him/her, one very effective tactic is to beat them at their own game. Anticipate their irrational reactions before they happen and call them out on it ahead of time. Use their own desire to always be right and to always prove you wrong against them.

Let’s say you know you have a tough conversation coming with your covert narcissist. Before the conversation even starts, simply say, “Now I know you are going to react hard to this, but I need to tell you something.” Then tell them. Now they are in a bind. Their own burning desire to prove you wrong will keep their reaction in check. If they blow up now, then you will be right, and they CANNOT allow that to happen.

Some examples of these pre-emptive statements include:

• I know you are not going to like this, but ……

• I know you are going to get mad, but …...

• I know this is going to set you off, but …….

As soon as the words “I know” come out of your mouth, their mind is already triggered to prove you wrong. Watch them nearly bite their tongue in half just to prove you wrong! Enjoy it! They might even say, “See, you were wrong. I didn’t get mad.” Your response is, “Wow, ok thanks.” And walk away. You got what you wanted, to say what you needed to say without them blowing up at you.

Often, we still are caught in interactions with these covert narcissists. Maybe you have kids together and are co-parenting, otherwise known as counter parenting. Maybe you simply aren’t out of the relationship yet. Maybe it’s your parent, and you don’t want to completely cut ties. If you must keep interacting with them, then you should start finding ways to do it without losing your own mind.

A Single Compliment

Late in our marriage, during a circular conversation that had gone round and round about all the bad things I’ve ever done in my life, I was defending myself and desperately trying to take this conversation in a productive direction. For several weeks, I had been honest with my husband about how I was feeling, trying so hard to get him to understand how much he was hurting our kids and me. Here I was again, trying to communicate effectively with him, trying to find the right words, trying to connect with my husband.

In the middle of this scenario, while I was pouring everything I had into genuine attempts at improving our relationship, my covert narcissistic husband asked me, “Can you even give me one compliment? One thing you like about me?” “Wait! What?” A compliment? You want a compliment? Like “your hair looks good today?” Or “I like that shirt.” I knew this wasn’t what he wanted. He wanted me to tell him something I liked about him. This, after 18 years of an emotionally abusive relationship, and our marriage was truly struggling.

This question really created a problem in me. All these different adjectives went through my head.

• Helpful? No

• Compassionate? No

• Patient? No

• Fun-loving? No

• Kind? No

• Easy to be around? No

• Fun to be around? No

• Easy to talk to? No

• A good father? No

• Happy? No

This list went on and on in my mind. What could I say??

I finally said to him that I was grateful for 2 things. I am extremely happy with the 2 boys that this marriage has given me. They are amazing boys, and I am very proud of them. The other thing is that I am grateful to him for providing for the family so that I could stay home and raise our boys. He responded, “So I am a paycheck to you? And you can’t even come up with one nice thing to say about me?”

I did feel a little bad about not being able to come up with something nice to say about him. So I gave it some more thought later. And even with some time to ponder, I still could not come up with positive and truthful compliments.

Instead the list was:

• Selfish

• Lazy and unmotivated

• Mean and rude

• Quick to anger

• Hard to be around

• Hard to talk to

• Angry

• Harsh and abrupt

It wasn’t my fault that this was who he was. This was our daily life with him, and it was truly hurting all three of us badly!

A relationship without give

A relationship without give is a relationship full of hurt. With a covert narcissist, there is no give, no wiggle room, no slack in the line they have around your neck. They pull tighter and tighter and give you no breathing room. No room to be human, to be spontaneous and genuine. They give you no room to be you!

Here are some examples of statements that have no give in them:

• You ALWAYS talk so mean to me! You NEVER show you care!

• I can’t even talk to you because you NEVER listen!

If you are trying to talk with them about how they interact with you, you hear:

• I DIDN’T YELL!!

• I NEVER said that!

• WHY should I apologize?!?

A person with give says things very differently. It's the difference between saying:

• “You ALWAYS talk so mean to me!” and “Those words hurt. I don’t like it when you say things like that.”

• “I can’t even talk to you because you NEVER listen!” and “I don’t feel like you are listening to me right now.”

• “I DIDN’T YELL!” and “Oh, I sure didn't think that I was yelling.”

• “I NEVER said that!” and “I really don't remember saying that.”

• “WHY should I apologize?!?” and “I’m sorry.”

Watch normal everyday conversations with your loved ones and friends. People function with give. They cut the other person some slack, give some margin and benefit of the doubt. They leave space for the other person to feel better about themselves even if they messed things up. 

Not with a covert narcissist! There is no slack, no margin, no benefit of the doubt. There is no give! The slightest error, and they will pounce. The smallest room for a mistake, and they attack. There is no space for you to be human and anything less than whatever version of perfect is in their eyes at the moment. You are being held hostage by your own humanness.

A Match Made in Heaven? I Don't Think So!

So in his eyes, our early marriage was a match made in heaven. He thought it was great! I worked so hard to keep him happy. I met his every need. I noticed his every mood and adjusted my behavior accordingly. To him, this was perfect!

Not so much in my eyes. I cried myself to sleep many nights, thinking, “I’ll never bring that subject up again….ever!” . I carried horrible pits in the bottom of my stomach, wondering when his next explosive reaction would be. I cringed at the slightest disagreement or the smallest hint of anything that would offend him. All the while, I also convinced myself that I was capable of keeping this marriage strong. I could do this!

So how did I spend my time? Working overtime to keep him happy, to shield him from anything that would upset him, to make sure he felt good about himself and life, to validate all his emotions, to meet his every need.

So YES, he thought this was great! Who wouldn’t? He had someone who committed all of her time to making him happy, to baby-sitting his feelings, and to smoothing over all his relationship boo-boo’s. It was a great deal for him. He gets to act like a jerk and have someone to sweep up after him all the time.

Look at your relationship with open and honest eyes. If you are doing all the work and making all the changes in you for this person, and they are not meeting you in the middle with work and changes on their end, then this is a toxic relationship and is not sustainable. In a healthy relationship, both sides are willing to give. Both sides make themselves vulnerable to each other, admitting faults and carrying blame, and both sides give forgiveness and compassion.

A Different Type of Abandonment

I would never have said that abandonment was a concern for me. I never felt like he was going to run away with another woman. I knew that he would always be home in the evenings and on the weekends. But then I realized that there was a different type of abandonment going on.

In my marriage, abandonment came within the home itself. He completely isolated himself constantly. He lost himself in video games and movies for hours on end. This was every evening after work, every weekend, every holiday, every vacation, no matter where we were or who we were with. This happened whether we were alone just the two of us or at social events with our friends and family. It didn’t matter whether we were on the Oregon Coast visiting his own mother, having Christmas activities with my family, or in Paris on a family vacation. This was on the beach, in the hotel rooms, in the restaurants, and even on a beautiful dinner cruise in downtown Paris on the Seine River. He disengaged from our lives. He checked out completely again and again and again!

Our 15-year old son spent three weeks in France. When we picked him up at the airport, we learned that his luggage missed the flight. We had to wait one hour for it to arrive. So we found a quiet corner where we could sit and chat. I was so eager to hear all about his trip, and he was eager to tell us. Within the first five minutes of our son telling us about his excursions, my husband got up, pulled out his phone, and walked away. We didn’t see him for the next 45 minutes. No explanation, no interaction, just abandonment. To this day, he has still never heard about all the exciting things our son did on that trip. This is rejection and abandonment and happened so many times throughout the years.

For a long time, I didn’t recognize it as abandonment. I only thought of people moving out and leaving their families. But he absolutely abandoned us, day after day, over and over. All the while telling me that he would never leave his family and how wonderful of a husband he was. This daily abandonment was incredibly painful and emotionally damaging.

I Can't Change Overnight

Covert narcissists use hooks to take the heat off themselves and place the blame or responsibility back on you. Things that cause you once again to doubt yourself and your perspective.

One of these hooks is “I can’t change overnight! You’re going to have to be patient.”

With a covert narcissist, this statement means, “Get off my back! You are expecting too much! You are so demanding and expect me to be perfect all the time.” 

Change does take time. You desire to be a patient person. So you back off. You might even feel bad for being “too” demanding.

While change does take time, the first steps don’t.

Long-term changes take time and effort, sure. But listening to what your partner is saying does not take time. It simply requires the ability to listen. Validating what they are saying does not take time. It requires willingness to validate another human being. Being willing to have some give in your interactions with them does not take time. It requires the ability to be present.

At the very least, offering a genuine apology when they express that you hurt them does not take time. It requires an ability and willingness to be vulnerable. And in fact it takes less time than the defensiveness and 2-hour lectures that many victims receive.

I wore out the entire alphabet multiple times while he couldn’t even do step A. Yes, lasting change takes time. It takes repetition and reinforcement. However, step A doesn’t. It can happen right now. One small step. One small amount of give. That can happen overnight. But if someone doesn’t have any give, then they simply don’t have any give. In fact, their lack of give is devastating. They simply won’t give an inch, a smidge. 

Even to be able to say in a conversation, “Oh, that makes sense,” or “Ok, I can see that.” They just can’t do it. That would give you the slightest amount of understanding and validation. It won’t happen. So while change does take time, the first step does not. But they will never do it. 

Quit accepting this hook. Changes can happen overnight. Progress can take place and be visible very quickly. 

Make a list of changes you have made in life. Did these take time? Did the initial steps and commitments take time? When you were all in, did changes take place sooner?

How to Turn the Table on a Narcissist

This is one extremely effective tactic for when you are forced to communicate with a narcissist in your life.

Narcissists absolutely hate for the other person to be right. Especially if that person is a spouse, significant other, parent or child.

They will disagree with you simply for the sake of disagreeing. Their immediate reaction to most of what you say is to tell you that you are wrong. Then they will explain their own point of view, saying the exact same thing you did. If you try to tell them that is the same as what you said, they will adamantly deny that and explain their point of view all over again. They will put words in your mouth, saying, “No, you said….” Those words will often not be anything like what you said. If you confront them on this, they often have a standard cop-out, “Well, I don’t remember exactly word for word, but it was something like that.” Their insistence of explaining how they were right and your were wrong is never-ending. You will go in infinite circles around and around. You will get absolutely nowhere!

When a narcissist does occasionally find themselves in a place where the other person is right, they absolutely will not admit it. They cannot simply say, “Hey, you are right” or “I never thought of it like that.” They may actually get to a point that they admit you are right, but only in a back-handed way. They will make it very clear that what you are saying is stuff they already knew. Their knowledge must be greater, faster and stronger. You will hear things such as,

• “I know! I had that thought a week ago. Glad you caught up.”

• “You’re right, you must have been listening to me.”

• “I knew that was the case.”

• “I already know that, and I’ll take it a step further….”

A simple “Hey, you have a good point there,” is not within their capabilities. It threatens their ego too much. For that tiny instant, they would feel inferior to you. To admit that you are right means, internally, they have to admit that they were wrong. There simply is no in-between ground. Don’t forget, for them, this isn’t conversation. It’s combat! Every interaction has a winner and a loser, and they must be the winner, no matter how insignificant the conversation really is.

So what do you do if you are in such a relationship and you can’t walk away, at least not yet? How do you avoid these combative interactions and their narcissistic rage?

One very effective tactic is to beat them at their own game. Anticipate their irrational reactions before they happen and call them out on it ahead of time. Use their own desire to always be right and to always prove you wrong against them. 

Let me explain. Let’s say you know you have a tough conversation coming with your narcissist. Before the conversation even starts, simply say, “Now I know you are going to react hard to this, but I need to tell you…..” Then tell them. Their own burning desire to prove you wrong will keep their reaction in check. If they blow up now, then you will be right, and they CANNOT allow that to happen.

Some examples of these pre-emptive statements:

• I know you are not going to like this, but ……

• I know you are going to get mad, but …...

• I know this is going to set you off, but …….

As soon as the words “I know” come out of your mouth, their mind is already triggered to prove you wrong.

Yes this is a bit manipulative and purely intentional. But it is also a way of self-protection. Often, we still are caught in interactions with these narcissists. Maybe you have kids together and are co-parenting, otherwise known as counter parenting. Maybe you simply aren’t out of the relationship yet. Maybe it’s your parent, and you don’t want to completely cut ties. If you must keep interacting with them, then you should start finding ways to do it without losing your own mind.

Whatever the circumstances, use this tactic and watch them nearly bite their tongue in half just to prove you wrong! Enjoy it!