Emotional Validation

“I get all my emotional validation from you.” 

These words were spoken by my covert narcissist husband. At the time, we had been married about 18 years. I had been holding him up emotionally for all of our marriage, catering to his feelings, tap dancing around his moods, and working hard to make him feel good about himself. 

Over and over, we went on this never ending loop. He would get his feelings hurt, and I would work hard to boost him back up. I never knew what was going to upset him or what was going to hurt him, but I always knew that something would. He constantly found a reason to need me to pump him back up emotionally. No matter how hard I tried and how much energy I poured in, it was never enough.

I reached a point of deep exhaustion, totally depleted of any emotional energy. For my own sanity’s sake, I began to pull away from this role of an emotional pump. I desperately needed space for myself, for my needs, for my feelings. I had finally realized that I was not responsible for his feelings!

This all led up to the day when he said to me, “I feel like you are pulling away. You can’t do that. I get all my emotional validation from you.”

I told him that this isn’t fair. Your emotional validation should come from within yourself. No one else can provide that for you. It is too much to ask. It’s not fair to put that on anyone! 

Covert narcissists do not have what it takes to find emotional validation within themselves. They will take it from you as long as you are willing to give it. Stop taking responsibility for their feelings. Their emotions are not your job. The sooner you stop playing that role, the sooner you can focus on your own healing!

Emotional Abuse

Is emotional abuse really abuse? I mean, they don’t hit me. I don’t have bruises or broken bones. They just talk mean to me! Or they just invalidate me, over and over. Or they just ignore me and refuse to talk to me for days on end.

My verbally abusive husband once said to me, “How can I be a bad husband? I have never hit you.” Really? That is your measuring stick. I’ve never tried to run you over with the car. Does that make me a good wife? I would like to think that we have higher standards and expectations than this!

Abuse is defined as cruel treatment. It is defined by physical contact. Emotional abuse is just as bad as if he/she punched you in the face. It is a punch to your heart, to your soul. It is cruel treatment, and it leaves scars. Just because the bruises and scars are internal does not mean that they are not there. In fact, the internal wounds often take much longer to heal because they are so much harder to see.

So yes, it is abuse! It counts, and you can absolutely stand up against it. You can and should stand up for your feelings. You can walk away if you choose. Your feelings matter!! Your feelings count!!

Easier to Do the Work for Them

Covert narcissists are extremely emotionally challenged. They are simply not capable of building healthy, intimate relationships. Their own survival tactics get in the way again and again.

Many victims work so hard to cover for their deficiencies. We do so much extra work to help them build decent relationships. This might be with us, the victim, or with others, such as family members, close friends, even their own kids.

I worked so hard to create a relationship between my husband and his own two boys. Even though he talked so mean to them, I told them that he loves them and cares for them. I came up with so many activities that they could do together in hopes that it would bring some connection. I encouraged the activities, setting things up for everyone, making sure it happened, and even participating too just to help keep the peace. All of this was for the purpose of creating a good relationship between the three of them.

Of course, none of that worked. The relationship between my husband and his boys has always been extremely strained. But why did I do all that work?

After many years of trying to get my husband to interact with kindness and compassion, I became incredibly frustrated and exhausted. I worked so hard to help him to understand, so that he could turn the relationships in a positive direction. None of it helped, and I ran out of ideas. It simply became easier to do the work for him. It was easier, quicker and less frustrating than enduring circular conversations, gaslighting, blame shifting, projecting, and so on. It was the only way I could keep even a small amount of my sanity.

Change Your Expectations

You get mad at him/her because you still expect them to behave like a reasonable person. They have shown over and over that they are not going to do this.

I get asked often, “How do I stop getting mad at them? How do I just ignore the bad behavior?

Stop expecting them to behave like a decent and reasonable person. 

When they show their true colors, instead of getting angry, just say to yourself, “Yeah, here we go again. Some things never change.”

Your own expectation that they treat you with goodness and respect is what allows you to continue to get stabbed in the heart again and again.

Change your expectations. Expect him/her to behave like a jerk. They have shown that over and over. Why wouldn’t you expect it at this point?

Your expectations that they not be that way is actually your own desires coming through. You want them to be reasonable, loving, caring, and respectful. I understand this. I get it. I desired all that too, more intensely than I have ever desired anything in my entire life! 

But this says more about me and who I am than it ever did about my husband. I had to change my expectations to better match my reality.

When you change these expectations, the abusive behavior no longer surprises you. This helps tremendously to keep your anger from rising and to allow you to handle life more peacefully. You can certainly still call them out for the behavior, which of course they will object to. You can still leave the situation, choosing to not engage in their abusive behavior, which will enrage them. But you don’t have to be mad to walk away. You can just choose to not be there.

Don't Give Them This Power

Don’t let them be in control of what kind of person you are. No one should ever have that power in your life.

Who do you want to be? 

A peaceful person?

A compassionate person?

A respectful person?

Who do you want to be for your kids? What do you want them to see in you? You get to decide who you are.

The covert narcissist in your life is showing their true colors over and over. That’s on them! That is theirs to endure. So be it. Let them.

But don’t let them change you. Don’t give them that power. You get to decide who you are.

Be the peaceful and respectful person you want to be. Not because they deserve it. It isn’t about them. Do it because you deserve it. You have the right to be peaceful and happy.

I can treat him with respect because that is who I am.

I’m not saying you should stay. I will NOT stay and let him continue to treat me that way.

I simply walk away. I have better things to do with my time than to stay in any abusive conversation with anyone. I have better things to do with my time than to stay and argue with an abusive person or defend myself against an abusive person.

That is a waste of my time, and a waste of your time.

I want to put my time and my mental energy into positive things in life. Into relationships that matter. My children, my friends, my family members that aren't abusive, my hobbies, my work, and so on.

If they want to be an abusive jerk, let them. But don’t let them turn you into anything you don’t want to be. Don’t give them that power, or anyone else. You get to decide who you are.

Don't Focus On a Diagnosis

Narcissistic people do not go to therapists to get help for themselves. They don’t go to figure out if something is wrong with them. They might go to a therapist, yes. 

Will they be truthful with that therapist? No

Will they be truthful about what the therapist said to them? No

Will they twist everything to their advantage? Yes

Will they charm the therapist, putting their mask on securely? Yes

Toward the very end of my 21 year marriage to a covert narcissist, my husband finally went to a therapist. This was after years of me encouraging him to go talk to one. He had one session. He came home and told me that he had gone. He said that he told the therapist about my theory of narcissism and that the therapist told him that he didn’t see any narcissism in him. He snapped at me, “In fact, he didn’t even see ANY anger in me! All he saw was how hurt I have been by YOU!” 

Do I think for a minute that my covert narcissistic husband showed his true self at that session? Absolutely not! He played his victim role that he is SO good at. That same victim role that hooked me in the first place, seeming so genuine and sincere. So I was not surprised when the therapist didn’t see it. I simply said, “Ok,” and walked away. There was nothing more to say.

Getting an actual diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder is incredibly difficult for so many reasons. You might be asking yourself, “Is my partner actually a narcissist?” You can wear your mind out trying to answer this.

Ultimately it does NOT matter. Whether he/she is or isn’t does NOT actually matter. What matters is how they treat you, day after day. What matters is how they talk to you, how they care or don’t care for your feelings, thoughts, and opinions. What matters is whether you matter to them or not. If you don’t matter to them, if your feelings don’t count to them, that’s abusive! Whatever the label, abuse is abuse, and abuse is wrong!

Do They Mean to Do Harm

"One doesn't have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient."  Charles M. Blow

I made so many excuses for my husband while we were married. I truly believe that he did not mean to harm us. He never struck me or the kids, or even threatened to. He never cussed at me or called me mean names. Yet he did SO much damage to me and to our boys.

It certainly seems that many covert narcissists do not MEAN to inflict harm and pain. Some do, so this may not apply to your situation. In my world, he was not a malicious person.

I hear victims say that they believe their abuser doesn't mean to harm them. I believe what they are saying because I lived it....for multiple decades. In these situations, we end up in a quandary. How can I leave when I believe that he/she doesn't mean to harm me?

Whether they mean harm or not is not the point! It isn’t that they don’t mean to harm you. It is that they don’t mean NOT to harm you! They don’t put effort into taking care of your feelings. They don’t put effort into talking in a way that makes you feel validated, loved and happy. They don’t take to heart the things you are saying to them, reconcile with you and work towards resolution. They may not “mean” to harm you, but they don’t mean to help you either!

The Deep Wounds of Covert Narcissistic Abuse

Covert narcissistic abuse is a very unique type of abuse. Those who have never lived it cannot fully understand the complexities of this abuse. As a victim of it, I can certainly tell when I am talking to someone who has lived it too. They just get it!

One of the extreme complexities of covert narcissistic abuse is that you, the victim, actually join the abuser in abusing yourself! Let me explain what I mean.

You accept the blame, guilt and responsibility that the abuser dishes out to you. You in fact join him/her in blaming yourself and taking full responsibility for fixing the relationship.

You work so incredibly hard to be perfect, losing touch with who you are just to keep this abuser happy or try to. You allow this person’s thoughts, feelings, and opinions matter more than your own and neglect your own needs and desires entirely.

You believe what they say, accepting that they are right, and doubting yourself again and again. You accept their reality, either just to keep the peace or because of your own self-doubt. Either way, you continue the abuse of wiping out your right to matter as a person.

Covert narcissistic abuse leaves deep internal wounds. It not only challenges your right to have thoughts and feelings of your own, but it challenges your right to even exist in the first place. It creates an environment where you join the abuser in hurting yourself, and this has to stop!!

You have NO control over the covert narcissist abuser in your life, but you DO have control over you! Pay attention to that little voice inside your head. That voice that echoes your abuser’s words and attitudes. When that voice speaks up, tell it NO! Tell it to STOP!

That voice will listen, but you must be persistent! At the beginning, it may take 100 times an hour. But it will get much easier as you go! With practice, you will reach a point where a simple nudge will quiet that voice back down.

Criss-Crossed

Life with a covert narcissist is a mixed up life. You try to live in a way that shows love and care for the needs of others. But this gets used against you. You put the needs of others before your own, but they play this to their advantage. You overlook the faults of others, but this blows up in your face. This is life with a covert narcissist.

Unfortunately, victims often completely neglect caring for their own needs. They find themselves completely worn down and empty from the abuse and consequential self-neglect. Here is how it looks. Each first statement is about you, the victim. The second statement is about the covert narcissist, the abuser.

I am willing to take care of the needs of others but not willing to take care of my own needs.

They are willing to take care of their own needs but not willing to take care of the needs of others.

I am willing to overlook the faults of others but not willing to overlook my own faults.

They are willing to overlook their own faults, but not willing to overlook the faults of others.

I am willing to forgive others but not willing to forgive myself.

They are willing to forgive themselves but not willing to forgive others.

I treat others with compassion and understanding, but I treat myself with judgment and harshness.

They treat themselves with compassion and understanding, but they treat others with judgment and harshness.

Let’s make this even more appropriate to the situation (using he because it was my husband, put in whatever pronoun is appropriate for you):

I am willing to care for his needs but not my own.

He is willing to care for his needs but not my own.

I am willing to overlook his faults but not my own.

He is willing to overlook his faults but not my own.

I am willing to forgive him but not me.

He is willing to forgive him but not me.

I treat him with compassion and myself with judgment.

He treats himself with compassion and me with judgment.

Do you see why you are hurting here? Why you are empty and feeling unloved? No one can live like this forever. It is no wonder that you are exhausted and spent! If you don’t start caring for yourself, who will?

Change your sentences to:

I am willing to care for the needs of others AND my own.

I am willing to overlook the faults of others AND my own.

I am willing to forgive others AND myself.

I treat others with compassion and understanding AND myself.

In Love With An Idea

One thing I definitely have learned - They are more in love with the “idea” of being a great person than in actually being one. More in love with the idea of being a great parent than in actually being one. They just want the admiration.

They do not do the necessary work to actually achieve the role of being a great husband/wife or parent. They don’t believe that they need to. They are great just because of who they are. If you don’t support that, then once again they are just a misunderstood victim, their greatness being overlooked once again.

Imagination Burst

The other extremely useful tool is Imagination Burst. Your own imagination is very effective in dealing with all the pain. If you stay with those intense emotions burning all the time, you will exhaust yourself and go crazy. You simply cannot maintain that emotional burn for the long-term. You need to purposefully take a break from it. This is that break!

I want you to use your imagination and imagine what it would be like if none of that abuse actually happened to you. Imagine who you would be right now if you had not gone through all of this. What would you be doing? What would you be thinking? Who would you be? How would you be spending your time and energy?

Do not confuse this with trying to live in denial. You are not trying to convince yourself that none of the abuse happened. You know without a doubt all the abuse that you have suffered. This is using your imagination to your advantage, to push you to better places. It is consciously taking a break from all the hard work of processing the emotions and looking at your life outside of them. Yes do the work, but you must allow your heart and mind to rest and enjoy who you are.

Couples Therapy

I actually tried couples therapy with my husband, a covert narcissist. It did no good for our marriage, but it did validate for me, even more so, what was going on. He threw me under the bus to the therapist, saying things I had never heard before, taking credit for things I had done, and causing me to look pathetic if I objected. Everything was my fault and my responsibility to fix. This became very clear. It was so eye-opening and validating to me that I was in fact dealing with covert narcissistic abuse. I could no longer deny it at all. However, it did nothing to help our marriage.

Covert narcissists use therapy as a way to justify their behaviors and to turn the tables against you. They manipulate anything you say as well as anything the therapist says. I have seen this myself and heard it from many victims too.

If the therapist is not educated about covert narcissism, marriage counseling can certainly work against and actually feed the narcissism. They often charm the therapist and convince them that they are doing all they can to help this marriage. This often causes the victim to get quite frustrated and reactive, giving the therapist even more reasons to believe the narcissist. The therapist then tries to work with you on how you can communicate better, handle your reactions better, and so on. 

When you have been pouring years of intense effort into this marriage and then get told, in front of the covert narcissist, by a therapist that you need to do more, this is maddening. It can often cause the victim to further doubt themselves and pour even more of their quickly dwindling energy into the relationship. This just fuels the covert narcissist even more, as they will continuously throw the therapist’s words in your face to remind YOU of your responsibility.

The only way for couples therapy to be effective is for both people to be willing to carry some of the blame, reflect honestly on their own behaviors, take ownership of their own faults, and be genuinely sorry for ways they have hurt the other person. This can happen in non-narcissistic relationships but is not possible in narcissistic relationships.

Conversations as Competition

Covert narcissists don't use conversations to find understanding, reconciliation, or compromise. They don’t use them to get to know someone better or to connect with another person. Sitting around and just visiting with others is a complete waste of time to them!

Conversations are a tool to be used to their advantage. They are transactions that can be manipulated. They are seen either as an exchange, I give you something and you give me something, or as a competition, I win and you lose. They use conversations to win or gain an advantage.

Conversations are verbal competitions. Most of the time, they seem to want communication to be difficult and a problem. They don’t want to understand. They want only to maintain their position of superiority. In order to truly understand and sympathize with someone, you must allow a moment or two to be about the other person. Narcissistic people absolutely cannot do this. Not even for a tiny moment can life be about someone else. When they can keep the conversation confusing and difficult, it can stay centered around them. Then they have a “duty” to explain and educate the other person, which maintains their superiority and arrogance.

These conversations are antagonistic, combative, and extremely uncomfortable. I reached a point where I said to my friend, “I don’t even know how to have a normal conversation with my husband.” You see, with narcissistic people, there is no such thing as normal conversation. Anyone who has lived this knows exactly what I mean! Stop trying to have normal conversations with them. It is painful and exhausting!

Constantly Defending Yourself

When with a covert narcissist, you learn to defend yourself constantly. You are always under attack and never feel emotionally safe. Things can blow up at any moment, so your guard is always up. The tiniest little thing can set everything off, so you are on constant watch.

You are on the defense before anything has ever even happened. Before one word is spoken, you are already defending yourself. Rightly so. You  have been taught that you will have to defend everything you ever say or do.

This is not normal. This is not how non-narcissistic people interact. Healthy relationships don’t work this way. You are allowed to just talk, to be yourself, to be less than perfect, and to not be judged.

This abuse and the defensiveness it causes in you affects other relationships until you become aware of it and work to stop it. Here is an example:

My friend and I were texting after she had just gotten home from a road trip. When I told her that I hope she had some time to rest that day, she responded, “Me too!” My past abuse kicked in. It caused my mind to defensively take that comment to mean, “Leave me alone so I can rest now.” So I apologized for bothering her. She immediately responded, “You are not bothering me at all.” I know this was my past defensiveness showing its ugly head. 

I purposefully stopped this reaction inside me and continued a normal, healthy interaction with my friend. No judgment. No hidden agendas. No need for defensiveness. And my friend interacted with me in a normal, safe and accepting way. This is how life should be. This is how life is! Once you find freedom from narcissism!

Start identifying your defensive reactions. Call them out for what they are and watch them begin to fade away!

Healthy Relationships

When a healthy individual harms someone that they love, here are some things that typically happen:

• The person who made the mistake feels remorse for hurting the other person.

• The person who made the mistake apologizes with sincerity and without excuses.

• The person who made the mistake tries to not continue repeating the offense.

When genuine forgiveness happens, the following are typically experienced:

• Forgiveness and reconciliation occur.

• Genuine connection and openness is felt by both parties.

• This leads to changes in behavior and attitude of the person who made the mistake.

• These changes lead to a more stable environment and a happier future for all involved.

However, you just can’t reconcile with a narcissistic person. It simply can’t be done. All of these steps require give

Compare the things the healthy individual does above with these common reactions from narcissistic individuals:

• The narcissistic person defends their actions and words, feeling no remorse for hurting someone.

• The narcissistic person makes excuses and accusations, rather than apologies.

• The narcissistic person continues repeating the offense because they see nothing wrong with their behavior.

So instead of the positive environment mentioned above, the following are typically experienced:

• Resentment and dissension occur.

• Disconnection and internal mental battles occur.

• The behavior and attitude never change.

• The environment becomes more unstable as time goes by.

• Happiness seems far out of reach.

Come Out of the Fog

You have been conditioned to live in thick fog. You have been made to believe that they are better at everything than you and know more about everything than you. You have been conditioned to care for all of their needs and feelings and to accept a complete disregard for your own needs and feelings. You have been taught to fear their anger, silence, and rejection. You have been taught that it is your job to care for their every whim. You have been made to feel guilty and responsible for any and every bad thing that has ever happened or ever will happen.

I have news for you. None of this is true!! They are not better at everything than you. They do not know more about everything than you. It is not your job to care for their every need. You should never accept the total disregard for your own needs and feelings. You do not need to fear their anger. You do not need to care for their every whim. And you are not responsible for everything! You are allowed to walk this Earth in peace and happiness.

Get your eyes out of the FOG, out of the Fear, Obligation and Guilt!!

Fear - You are allowed to live without fear. I know that facing this abuse is frightful. The unknown future in front of you on this journey can certainly be scary, but you are definitely not alone. Many have gone in front of you, many are going with you, and many will come behind you. You are stronger than you know!!

Obligation - It is not your job or duty to “build” or “fix” them or this relationship. They are an adult, and the responsibility for them lies with them. Their choices, their attitudes, their actions, and their words are NOT your fault or responsibility. You are responsible only for you.

Guilt - You are allowed to be human, to just be you. No one made the rule that you had to be a superhero. You do not need to be perfect, and in fact cannot be. It is okay to not be the best at everything or to not have all the answers. Take the guilt you feel and throw it away again and again.

Keep returning to that epiphany of walking the Earth in peace. That gift of a peaceful life is every bit as present for you as it is for anyone and everyone else. You do deserve it. You are worthy of it. And you CAN have it. Hang onto this epiphany as if to your very own lifeline.

Clinging to the Breadcrumbs

Have you ever said...But we have some good times together. Remember that one day…. Remember that one time….We had so much fun. We were so happy that day.

Are you building an intimate relationship on single day events? Are you building a lifelong relationship on breadcrumbs of good times?

Sure, we had some good times together. We had occasional evenings that were successful and happy. We had the random weekends where his anger stayed in check. But I came to the realization that I was hanging on to those all-too-rare times and pretending that they were our reality. I was desperately trying to build a home and raise kids around that illusion. It wasn't working.

I finally realized that if I was always making an excuse as to why he was angry and mean, then I might need to consider that he is just angry and mean. When the good behavior stands out, that isn’t a good sign. When it’s the good behavior that causes you to be surprised and think, “That’s really not like him/her,” that causes you to be incredibly grateful for a change, then you need to take a long, hard look at the relationship.

In a healthy, non-toxic relationship, it’s the bad behavior that causes one to think, “Wow, that’s really not like you.” The quick temper and sharp tongue are rare and thus brought on by external factors. Not a daily part of life.

Building a lifelong relationship, a marriage, a family on breadcrumbs does not work. The relationship is not sustainable. You have to have more than breadcrumbs of peace and happiness.

Circular Talk

When you are with a covert narcissist, everything you say can and will get used against you

It’s no wonder we start grey-rocking. Do you know what this is? I was doing this long before I ever knew there was a name for it. Grey rock is when you become as boring as a grey rock to them. You give them no emotional reaction, no extra dialogue, no questions, nothing that will ever extend any conversation. You don't defend yourself, which only gives them fuel. You don't explain yourself. You don't try to help them see your side of things. You stop engaging!

Why do we do this? Because we have learned from experience. Everything we say does get used against us. Everything gets thrown back in our face. They never see our side of things.  They never validate what we say or how we feel. They take everything we say, flip it around somehow, and use it against us.

He was mad at me one day for how I answered his question in what was just a normal everyday conversation. Now because of our past circular conversations, I had been very careful to make sure I answered nicely and graciously. It was a simple answer and a safe one, I thought! Yet he found a way to be completely offended by my answer.

Later, he brought this up and told me how much I had hurt him with my answer. What?? Here we go again. Every word I say somehow manages to hurt him. I no longer knew how to talk with my own husband in any way. So again, trying to make peace with him and trying to understand, I gently told him, “I answered you like I would my best friend.”

His response, “I thought I was your best friend! Am I not?” And he was all offended and upset again!!

You have got to be kidding me!! What are we in middle school? We were in our 40’s with 2 teenage kids! And we are really having this conversation! Seriously!

Conversations with covert narcissists loop and loop endlessly. There is no ending in sight, no point of reconciliation, no closure. Everything you say can and does get used against you. It gets thrown back in your face. You start by explaining that what they did really hurt you and yet you end up defending yourself and apologizing for anything, like not calling them your best friend! Any words or acts that they can misinterpret, they do.

These conversations just leave a victim in total confusion about what is going on. You think you are making progress, and then WHAM! All of a sudden, you are right back in the thick of it. Are things getting better or not? I have no idea! One minute I say yes and the next minute not at all!

Circular Conversations

I have heard these circular conversations referred to as gaslighting, word salad, and verbal vomit. I prefer to call them circular conversations from hell. 

It is the single most painful place I have ever been, the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I have never felt so alone and destitute as when trapped in one of these. And I do mean trapped, held prisoner. There is no way out. Nothing you say will change the course. Nothing you say will turn it in a positive direction. Nothing makes this better, and I have tried everything! The covert narcissist will unceasingly turn everything around and around, spinning forever in a bottomless pit of negativity. One minute you might feel like you are making progress, going in a good direction, and then WHAM!!! You are right back where you started. Right back to the hurt feelings. Right back to the anger and despair. You find yourself wondering, “What just happened? How did we get back here?” You find yourself defending everything you have ever done, said, or even thought. You are defending a look you had or the way you breathed. You are defending things that were positive things at the time that have now been twisted against you. Guards are up and engaged. Spontaneity does not exist. Reconciliation does not exist. Give and take does not exist.  Staying relaxed is impossible! If you have ever been in one of these conversations, you know exactly what I am talking about. When you talk to others who have been there, you know it.  How do you get out of these conversations? You walk away!!! Tell them you aren’t talking about this right now, shut your own mouth no matter what comes out of theirs, and walk away. Leaving is the only out! Anything you say can and will get used against you!

Can I Love Them and Still Walk Away

Many victims ask, “But what if I still care for them? How can I leave then?” They feel they must stay because they still care. Or they keep returning to the relationship because they care about them.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having compassion for them. In fact, I think that is a wonderful and beautiful thing. You have compassion because of your own beauty inside of you. You care about him/her. But you do not have to stay just because you care about them. If they are continuously abusing you, you can love them and still walk away.

Should you stay and help them? No, absolutely not! You can’t! It isn’t possible for you, the victim, to help them. They will not hear it from you, and you will go crazy trying. They will manipulate everything you say or do to work against you. You are fuel to them, feeding their sense of superiority and entitlement. They will see you no other way! If they are ever going to get help, it cannot come from those closest to them.

Should you stay with them? NO! Their misery is strong and it runs deep in them. Just think about how long it has been there. You can wish them the best and sincerely hope that they get help somewhere, somehow. But you don’t have to stick around while they do it, or don’t do it. Their misery will rub off on you if you stay. It is okay to have compassion for them and still leave. It is okay to want what is best for them and still walk away.

You don’t have to hate them in order to leave. You can recognize that you want a healthy relationship in life. Be prepared - they will say that’s what they want too, but they simply aren’t capable of it. They are not able to do the intense work that it will take for them to get there. You don’t have to fix them or this relationship. No one ever said that you have to be their miracle worker!