I Can't Change Overnight

Covert narcissists use hooks to take the heat off themselves and place the blame or responsibility back on you. Things that cause you once again to doubt yourself and your perspective.

One of these hooks is “I can’t change overnight! You’re going to have to be patient.”

With a covert narcissist, this statement means, “Get off my back! You are expecting too much! You are so demanding and expect me to be perfect all the time.” 

Change does take time. You desire to be a patient person. So you back off. You might even feel bad for being “too” demanding.

While change does take time, the first steps don’t.

Long-term changes take time and effort, sure. But listening to what your partner is saying does not take time. It simply requires the ability to listen. Validating what they are saying does not take time. It requires willingness to validate another human being. Being willing to have some give in your interactions with them does not take time. It requires the ability to be present.

At the very least, offering a genuine apology when they express that you hurt them does not take time. It requires an ability and willingness to be vulnerable. And in fact it takes less time than the defensiveness and 2-hour lectures that many victims receive.

I wore out the entire alphabet multiple times while he couldn’t even do step A. Yes, lasting change takes time. It takes repetition and reinforcement. However, step A doesn’t. It can happen right now. One small step. One small amount of give. That can happen overnight. But if someone doesn’t have any give, then they simply don’t have any give. In fact, their lack of give is devastating. They simply won’t give an inch, a smidge. 

Even to be able to say in a conversation, “Oh, that makes sense,” or “Ok, I can see that.” They just can’t do it. That would give you the slightest amount of understanding and validation. It won’t happen. So while change does take time, the first step does not. But they will never do it. 

Quit accepting this hook. Changes can happen overnight. Progress can take place and be visible very quickly. 

Make a list of changes you have made in life. Did these take time? Did the initial steps and commitments take time? When you were all in, did changes take place sooner?

Compassion or Empathy

Understanding the difference between compassion and empathy is important for anyone who is dealing with a non-empathetic person. Both are in response to the emotions and needs of another person. Both involve some level of awareness of the other person’s emotions and needs. 

Compassion

Desire to take action to help another person

Motivating to “do” things to help the other person

Involves recognizing the suffering of others

-death of a loved one

-loss of a job

Characterized by actions

You might care about someone’s situation and feel moved to help them, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you understand what they are going through. This does not require a connection with the person or an emotional reaction to their suffering.

Compassion can be motivated by the desire to look good, to do what one believes is the “right” thing, or to have one up on the person who is now indebted to you for your compassion. The show of concern or even pity allows one to still have a sense of superiority or entitlement to reciprocal treatment. It is not necessarily motivated by an emotional response.

Compassion is action based. Without empathy behind it, it feels fake and shallow. Altruistic behavior can certainly show up in people who do not have empathy. It is a “show” of care.

Examples of Compassion

Carrying someone’s groceries to their car

Helping a sick friend with yard work while they are down

Volunteering at a local charity

Donating money to organizations that help people

Extending forgiveness to someone who has harmed you

Listen to a friend who is going through a difficult time, but often listening to figure out how to help them, what to “do”

Empathy

Feeling the same emotions of another person from their perspective

Awareness of other people’s emotional experiences

Imagining yourself in the other person’s situation

Characterized by feelings

Empathy often acts as fuel for compassion. By empathizing with someone, you might experience feelings of compassion and a desire to help. Empathy can motivate one towards compassionate acts.

Empathy is feeling based. It encourages connection and understanding. It involves an attempt to understand and feel their emotions from their perspective. Not how I would feel in their shoes, but how they feel in their shoes.

Examples of Empathy

Actively listening when others share their feelings and experiences

Sensing other people’s emotions

Being attuned to the feelings of others

Being able to tell when someone is upset, angry, happy or sad

Feeling their feelings within you, as though you are absorbing their emotions

Perspective

Someone with empathy works to see things from the other person’s perspective.

Covert narcissists cannot see, understand or even acknowledge the other person’s perspective. They might show compassion when you have a death in your family. They can see the event that has happened that would clearly cause sadness and distress. But you may not receive any compassion from them when they have yelled at you or called you names. They do not see “from your perspective” why you would be upset.

It can lead to a lot of extra confusion when our partner, who shows us no empathy, has moments of compassion with us or others. Knowing this difference can help clear up that confusion.

Compassion is easily manipulated, which fits quite well with a covert narcissist. It can be used to make you look caring and good. But even still, a covert narcissist will help from their perspective, what THEY believe you need, what THEY think is best.

Empathy pushes one to understand from the other person’s perspective, acknowledging that their perspective is probably different from our own. With empathy, we work to find out what the other person believes they need, what that person thinks is best.

If a covert narcissist believes you should be suffering, then they might be quick to show compassionate acts. However, if they believe that you should not be suffering, there will be no sign of compassion. It is all about what THEY believe you SHOULD be feeling.

Name a few compassionate acts that the covert narcissist in your life did.

Did these acts feel genuine and real? Did they feel shallow and fake? How did their compassionate acts make you feel?

Did these compassionate acts get used against you? What did that look like? How did it make you feel?

Are they able to see things from your perspective? Is there an attempt from them to do so?

Do you work to see things from their perspective? Do you feel their feelings?

Compassions Verses Empathy

Are they the same? What are their similarities and differences?

Similarities

Both are in response to the emotions and needs of another person. Both involve an awareness of some sort of the other person’s emotions and needs.

Empathy

Feeling the same emotions of another person from their perspective

Awareness of other people’s emotional experiences

Characterized by feelings

Imagining yourself in the other person’s situation

Being open to their perspective being different than yours and trying to understand from their perspective

Empathy often acts as fuel for compassion. By empathizing with someone, you might experience feelings of compassion and a desire to help.

Can motivate one towards compassionate acts

Compassion

Desire to take action to help another person

Recognizing the suffering of others

-death of a loved one

-loss of a job

Characterized by actions, motivated to “do” things to help though you still may not understand the emotions of the other person

Sense of concern and pity

Allows you to still have a sense of superiority

You might care about someone’s situation and feel moved to help them, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you understand what they are going through.

Can be motivated by the desire to look good, to do what we believe is the “right” thing

Not motivated necessarily by an emotional response

My husband had compassion. He had the desire to help if he thought I was suffering. He did not have the understanding and acceptance that I was suffering. He couldn’t understand why I was suffering and acknowledge that I was suffering.

Differences Between Compassion and Empathy

Effects

Compassion tends to be based on taking action, whereas empathy is rooted in feeling. Because compassion is action-based, people are more likely to feel that their efforts have been useful. 

Empathy, while important, can sometimes contribute to greater feelings of burnout. Constantly feeling other people’s emotions can be overwhelming at times, and because it may not be linked to efforts to help, people may feel helpless or hopeless. In addition to causing feelings of personal distress, empathy can sometimes cause people to feel guilty or engage in avoidance behaviors, including social withdrawal.

Research has also found that people are often more likely to empathize with people they relate to. This might include people they actually know or even those who are similar to them in some way.2

On the other hand, compassion is something that people can extend to others without necessarily needing to have a personal connection to the situation.

Compassion

• Involves sympathy and concern for someone who is suffering

• Leads to action and helping behaviors

• Can inspire positive feelings

• Creates prosocial motivation

• Altruistic response to suffering

Empathy

• Feeling the emotions of others

• Leads to understanding

• May inspire negative feelings

• Can sometimes create withdrawal behaviors

• Affective response to suffering

Similarities Between Compassion and Empathy

Both compassion and empathy can sometimes be overwhelming, particularly when people are exposed to situations that require these emotions for prolonged periods. When it comes to empathy, people can sometimes experience burnout, a type of exhaustion often caused by exposure to chronic emotional, physical, or mental stress. It can leave people feeling drained and unable to muster empathy for others.

"Burnout usually has a gradual onset in which we tend to feel physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted after having been in a prolonged state of stress," Stone says.

Compassion can lead to a type of burnout known as compassion fatigue. This emotional and physical exhaustion leads to reduced feelings of empathy, increased cynicism, detachment, emotional numbness, and apathy.

People who work in healthcare settings that involve prolonged exposure to other people's suffering, such as nurses, first responders, and therapists, are more prone to experiencing compassion fatigue.3

When giving/caring/showing up for someone else feels more frustrating, stressful, and anxiety provoking for you—often to the extent that you struggle to access the empathy and compassion that once fueled your initial drive to help—it’s likely that you may be experiencing compassion fatigue. 

— MIRIAM STONE, LCSW, SENIOR CLINICAL DIRECTOR, LIFESTANCE HEALTH

To try to prevent this, be mindful of how you are feeling. If you notice you are struggling to access your empathy and compassion, or it feels like it's too much for you, take a step back. Remember that your mental health is also important and that you can't help others if you don't take care of yourself.

Examples of Compassion and Empathy

Examples of compassion vs. empathy can further illustrate some of the key differences between the two concepts.

Examples of Compassion

• Offering help to someone in need: This might include aiding someone with a task, such as carrying someone's groceries to their car. Or it might involve offering other types of assistance, such as performing household chores for a friend who is experiencing depression.

• Volunteering for a cause: Compassion also often leads people to volunteer their time, skills, and effort for causes they care about. This might involve donating money or resources to an organization that helps people or volunteering to provide more hands-on assistance to a community organization.

• Listening and being patient with others: Compassion can also cause people to listen to the concerns or experiences of others and extend greater patience as a result. For example, you might listen to someone talk about their recent challenges or give someone more time to work on a project because of something they have been going through in their personal life.

• Forgiving others: The ability to forgive people who have wronged you is often rooted in compassion. While empathy might allow you to understand what they have experienced, compassion causes you to want to take action by extending forgiveness for the harm they have done.

Examples of Empathy

• Actively listening to others: Empathizing involves listening carefully when others share their feelings and experiences. People who experience empathy in such situations may also ask questions or reflect on what someone has shared. 

• Being able to sense other people's emotions: Empathy is characterized by being attuned to other people's emotions. Examples include being able to tell when someone feels sad, happy, upset, or angry.

• Feeling what others are feeling: In addition to being aware of what others are feeling, examples of empathy include actually being able to feel these same emotional reactions. It might feel like you are absorbing these emotions so that you end up experiencing the same feelings.4 

How Do You Turn Empathy Into Compassion?

Compassion and empathy can be thought of as existing on a spectrum along with sympathy. Sympathy focuses on thoughts; empathy adds feelings; and compassion encompasses thoughts, feelings, and actions. It is possible to turn empathy into compassion by consciously turning your feelings into prosocial actions:

• Build self-awareness: Utilize mindfulness to build greater awareness of your own thoughts and experiences. This can help you become more attuned to your own responses to different situations. Researchers have also found that people tend to be more self-compassionate when they engage in mindfulness-based interventions.5

• Acknowledge the problem: Part of turning empathy into compassion is recognizing someone else's feelings and acknowledging that they need help.

• Avoid judgment: Practice accepting people for who they are without trying to make judgments or assumptions. You are more likely to feel compassion for people if you avoid blaming the victim for their own suffering.

• Find ways to help: Once you recognize suffering and experience empathy, ask yourself what you can do to help. This might mean supporting them in various ways, treating them kindly, or offering practical assistance. 

• Cultivate a compassionate mindset: You can cultivate a more compassionate mindset with continued practice. Spend some time engaging in a practice that helps you gain greater empathy for others, such as loving-kindness meditation, which involves focusing on positive thoughts about others. As time passes, you may feel more in tune with other people's emotions and more motivated to take steps to help.6

This doesn’t have to mean taking it upon yourself to fix other people’s problems. Instead, it is about offering the type of assistance you can provide to alleviate someone else's pain, whether large or small. Taking such actions can also help turn the distress that empathy can sometimes create into more positive emotions that compassion can elicit.

Research has also shown that people can learn to be more compassionate and that short-term compassion training can increase altruistic behavior.7

Coping With Compassion and Empathy

Prolonged exposure to other people's pain and suffering can also contribute to feelings of burnout or compassion fatigue. In such cases, taking a step back and caring for yourself is essential. Stone recommends:

• Practicing self-care: This can involve whatever helps you feel fueled and restored, whether journaling, meditating, mindfulness, yoga, walking, or just getting a good night's sleep.

• Getting support: Reach out to friends and family or consider talking to a mental health professional.

• Establish boundaries: Creating healthy boundaries in relationships can be a helpful way to manage emotional stress.

Recognizing when you might be emotionally overextended and taking on too much is key. It will allow you to take a step back, set some healthy boundaries, and ultimately take the steps necessary to reprioritize your own physical, mental, and emotional well-being.

— MIRIAM STONE, LCSW, SENIOR CLINICAL DIRECTOR, LIFESTANCE HEALTH

Give and Take

Give and take is a normal and healthy part of a relationship. Everyone needs it. It is validation that the other person matters, is heard and cared for. We all need confirmation that we are being heard. We need to know that they get what we are saying, and we need to know that we matter to them.

This confirmation comes in little remarks and gestures. Nodding when they agree or understand what we are saying. Saying things such as, “That makes sense.” “I see what you mean.” “That’s true.” This sort of interaction validates the other person and helps them to feel heard and understood. It is a valuable part of our relationships.

The stone cold silence and quick, sharp tongue of a covert narcissist torments the victim, you. It leaves deep wounds of insecurity and feelings of worthlessness. You feel unworthy of their time and attention. You doubt what you are saying. You feel like you have to explain everything just to be heard or understood. You truly feel that you do not matter in their world.

How a person interacts with you affects how you feel. You may not remember exactly what a person says, but you will remember exactly how they made you feel.

Don’t be mad at yourself for feeling insecure and unworthy. Don’t judge yourself for your own doubt and defensiveness. You have been taught to feel this way in little ways that you probably didn’t even notice at first.

Understand where these feelings came from and allow them to fall away. If needed, validate yourself with your own internal words. Say to yourself, “I can see why I feel this way.” “This makes sense.” “Of course I feel insecure. Who wouldn’t?” See the interactions for what they were and the effect they had on you.

Gaslighting

What is gaslighting? It is defined as making someone question their own reality. It is when a person effectively puts forth a false narrative that leads another person to doubt their own perceptions and become confused.

Covert narcissists are experts at making you question everything. They add just enough truth in what they say to truly make you doubt yourself. “I didn’t say it that way.” “I was only joking. You took it too seriously.” “I would never say that. You are remembering it wrong.” They deny they said something, that you know they said, causing you to question your memory. But they are so convincing, and you want to believe them.

They tell you that you misunderstood them, causing you to question your perceptions. They will convince you of things that simply are not true. They twist reality so subtly and quickly that you are left completely unsure. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I heard it wrong. Maybe I wasn’t paying attention.

In addition, their actions do not match their words, telling you how much they love and cherish you one minute and yet treating you horribly the next, causing you to question your own feelings. They say they love me. Maybe I’m reading too much into the negative moments. Maybe I’m expecting too much.

You question yourself over and over. You used to be a confident person, trusting your intuition. But not anymore. Now you feel unsure about everything in your daily life with this person. You get lost in self-doubt and confusion, not seeing this as abuse, and continuing to make all sorts of excuses for your abuser.

It is time to STOP!! It is time to trust yourself again. You can listen to your intuition. Your heart has been telling you that something is wrong here. Listen to it! It has been right all along.

Finding Those Mystical Words

Are you doing all the work for fixing this relationship?

How much effort have you put into communicating with this covert narcissist in your life? How hard have you worked to learn their “language?” To find the “right” words?

Now another question to consider! How much effort have they put into communicating with you? To learning your “language?” To finding the “right” words to communicate in a healthy way with you?

If you are with a covert narcissistic person, then you have probably put years of your life into finding the right way to communicate with them and they have done none of that themselves. They do not reciprocate that effort. It never even occurs to them that maybe, just maybe, they should.

You put all this effort into trying to learn their “language,” but they put NO effort into trying to learn yours. They put NO effort into trying to understand what you are saying, and instead work to make things difficult. Then they sit back and watch you struggle. Come on! This is them choosing not to listen, not to understand.

It isn’t about that they don’t mean to misunderstand you. It is about that they do not put effort into actually understanding you. They don’t put effort into figuring this out and helping the relationship. They don’t work to NOT talk mean and harmful to you. 

So, if you think that it is your fault for not being able to explain yourself to them and to not be able to get the abusiveness stopped, you need to take a strong look at reality. This is a huge sign that you are in a relationship with a toxic person, potentially a covert narcissist. It is NOT your fault that they talk so mean to you. It is not YOUR responsibility to make it stop!!!

Everyone Has Wounds

Everyone has wounds from childhood. This is true. But the more educated we can become about the types of wounds and specific nature of the wounds, the better we are able to heal our own wounds and also the better we are able to help our children.

I cannot express enough how important it is to live a life of growth, recovery, healing, self-reflection, accountability, vulnerability in front of your kids. Children learn by mimicking those around them. They copy behaviors to find what works for them and what doesn’t. 

So in this situation, you already have one parent who is manipulative, coercive, controlling, passive aggressive, hyper sensitive, overly reactive, and taking no personal responsibility. Often in these homes, the non-narcissistic parent over-compensates. We try to control what our kids see and experience. We try to fix everything. We try to deny the reality that they are already living with the narcissistic parent in an effort to protect them from it. We try to be “perfect” for them.

What we are missing though is that our kids don’t need perfect, they need human!

https://www.podbean.com/eas/pb-gakqw-159b529

Finding the Right Words

“If I could just find the right words, then they would stop treating me this way.”

“The right words will help them to understand why what they are doing is hurting me, and they will stop.” 

I absolutely wore my brain out trying to find those magical right words! There simply was not an angle left that I didn’t try. “Maybe these words, this approach, this tone of voice, this perspective, etc.” It was an endless effort and extremely taxing on both my head and my heart. To top it all off, it never did any good! After 20 years of marriage, I had no words left.

All of this effort just kept all the responsibility on my own shoulders. I used to think, “If I am not able to find the right words, then I cannot be mad at him for not getting it.” What!! Since when did I become the counselor? I am telling you now that it is NOT your job to help them understand. I am not saying don’t make any effort when someone has hurt your feelings. 

But I am saying that when you explain how you feel and the other person works hard to NOT understand you, then this is not your responsibility. It is not your job to keep explaining it to someone who doesn’t get it and isn’t putting any effort into getting it. In fact, they work against you every step of the way, explaining all the ways that you are wrong and having an answer for everything. They clearly don’t WANT to get it.

Quit explaining it to them. Quit searching for those magical words. Quit blaming yourself for not explaining it “right.” They are actively working against understanding, making all sorts of excuses and counter arguments. You CANNOT possibly explain something to someone who does NOT want to understand. Don’t blame yourself for this!!

Becoming a Scorekeeper

They have a total disregard for the possessions or rights of others. This applies to taking your things whenever they choose or touching you whenever they please. They use your stuff whenever they want, and yet have a fit if you use anything of theirs. There is no give and take in the relationship.

“You might ask before you use my coat!” They snap at you. 

“That’s mine!!” They sharply proclaim when you reach for a cup in the cupboard.

But yet they repeatedly use your things without asking or respecting your stuff. So you find yourself keeping score mentally. “That’s the second time this week they have used my speaker.” You think to yourself. You know that if you say anything about it, however, then this will lead to a 3-hour circular conversation. It just isn’t worth that price, so you keep it to yourself. So while I am not a scorekeeper in any other relationship, I became one in my marriage. I don’t want to be a scorekeeper!!

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/o1lcOenl6zg

Fight or Flight

The fight or flight reaction is a normal trauma response to a perceived dangerous and threatening situation. It is absolutely life-saving in extreme situations, such as running from a bear, escaping an intruder, or fleeing from a fire. Your stress hormones kick in. You are full on in survival mode. You have super strength, heightened senses, incredible focus, and an over abundance of energy. In the history of mankind, this reaction has saved countless lives and serves a great purpose.

When you are living in an abusive environment, the fight or flight reaction is not so life-saving and wonderful. You are in a perceived dangerous and threatening situation. Because you never know when the attack will come or what will trigger it, this threatening situation is ALL THE TIME. Remember, the fight or flight reaction is a NORMAL trauma response. When it is turned on for lengthy periods of time though, this reaction causes damage to you!

What happens in your body during a fight or flight reaction? 

Stress hormones pump through your body.

Regular hormone production is halted.

Your heart rate and blood pressure increase.

The digestive process is shut down.

Tissue repair stops.

Your body is now using all of its energy to survive this threatening and catastrophic situation, and this situation doesn’t ever go away. Thus it just takes its toll on your body instead. All sorts of medical issues arise in victims of covert narcissistic abuse. Heart issues, digestive issues, blood pressure issues, inflammation problems, immune weakness, autoimmune diseases, and the list goes on.

If you are not in a position to remove yourself from the “threatening” situation just yet, then at least begin working on how you perceive this threat. Our body reacts to perceived threats just as much as to actual threats. If you no longer perceive this person as an actual threat to you, your body will begin the healing process.

To eliminate your perception of this threat to you, learn to change your expectations of them.

Feeling of Superiority

Covert narcissists carry a huge feeling of superiority. Their attitude is, “I’m special, no one understands me, I’m ahead of my time, others can’t keep up.” This includes you. They feel that they are your superior and that you have to be “helped” by them. They feel that they are light years ahead of everyone else and that no one else can possibly keep up.

My ex used to say, “I always figure things out way ahead of everyone else. So I have to feed them little pieces of information until they catch up. If I give them too much, they shut down and get mad at me, because they can’t understand. But I’ve already got all the answers. I spend so much time just waiting on everyone else to catch up.”

Just because they feel this way certainly does not make it true. However, it is very easy for a victim of covert narcissistic abuse to feel inferior to this person. You choose to trust them as your partner, so you trust their knowledge on things. Add to this their repeated communication, both passively and assertively, that they are superior to you. Over time, you will doubt yourself, your own ability to figure things out, to be independent, or to even be right about something.

You have been conditioned to feel this way! Take back your right to trust yourself. You have the ability to figure things out and to think independently. When you doubt yourself, remind yourself that you were taught to feel this way and by whom. This abuser in your life created a perfect environment for you to live in doubt and insecurity. You played that part, but NO MORE!! Throw those thoughts out, and go do what it is you want to do!! Take your life back!

Feeling of Entitlement

The rules of life simply do not apply to a covert narcissist. They carry huge amounts of entitlement, superiority, and hypocrisy.

Covert narcissists are extremely entitled. They want what they want, when they want it, and how they want it. When they ask a question, they want an answer in the specific format that they want and anything else will make them mad. For me, he always wanted a yes or no answer. It didn’t matter if I had something else to say about it that made the answer more complicated than that. This just made him mad, and he would yell, “Just answer yes or no!” Like I have said before, normal conversation just does not happen with a covert narcissist.

Rules of the road don’t apply to them. They can drive however they want, whenever and wherever they want. BUT, no one else is allowed this. They are the first to complain and react when someone does the exact same things that they do.

My covert narcissist husband would pull out in front of people. Then when they rode on his bumper, flashed their lights, or had any other reaction, he became extremely mad. He would brake check them, flip them off, and glare at them when they drove by. And yet, when someone pulled out in front of him, he would speed up to make it more of a problem. He would ride on their bumper, flashing his lights, honking the horn, flipping them off, and yelling. He would even stay on their bumper for a while, making everyone nervous.

Covert narcissists are entitled to what they want, but they do not give space for anyone else to get what they want, unless of course, this serves a purpose for them as well. If it serves value to them, they will help you to get what you want. But when it no longer serves a purpose for them, they will be the first to turn against whatever it was, no matter how you feel about it.

Exist Outside of Narcissism Too

When you discover that your marriage is emotionally and psychologically abusive, it becomes consuming! You read like a madperson. Googling words like narcissism, emotional abuse, gaslighting, grey rock, projection, PTSD, and so on.

You dive into the research like your life depends on it. And in a way, it does. A relationship with a covert narcissist will absolutely put your own health at risk. The unresolved tension inside of you builds massive amounts of inflammation. This leaves you in a constant state of stress and tension, affecting every aspect of your life, and leaving you vulnerable to things that otherwise your immune system could fight off.

You are so desperate for validation that you talk about it all the time, to anyone who will listen.

You feel crazy and want to know that you are not crazy! If you had only studied in school with the same passion you now study, you would have been an amazing student!

I understand this. I have been there too. I understand what they mean when they say, “I got a marriage license and ended up with a degree in psychology!”

But listen to what I say here. Take a break from all of it too! Being absorbed in this 24/7 will drive you insane. Purposefully take some time where you are not talking about, thinking about it, reading about it, and so on.

Go out with a friend and refuse to talk about narcissism, your relationship with a covert narcissist, or anything related. Let yourself simply enjoy the time with your friend. No narcissism, no abuse. For this window of time, none of that exists!!

Read a book that has nothing to do with it. Watch a movie. Go for a walk. But don’t think about narcissism!! Ask yourself, “If I were not thinking about narcissism, what would I be thinking about?” Put it all on the back burner and let it sit there. It will still be there when you go back, but you need a break from it!!

Exhaustion-Rest

You are exhausted!! To the point of no longer being able to function. Even making small decisions such as what to fix for dinner is beyond your current capabilities.

I’m not talking about exhaustion after a full day of work, after a hard workout, or after a day of playing with the kids. I’m not saying you just need a good night’s sleep here. This exhaustion is much much deeper than that. This is a bone-dry exhaustion that makes your insides scream in pain. You are empty! Nothing left in the tank, and no way to fill it back up again!

The only people who know what I am talking about here are those who have experienced it. You know if you have. You know what I mean. Anyone who has not lived this cannot possibly understand this level of exhaustion. 

Maybe you have tried to explain this to someone who doesn’t get it. They will tell you that they have been tired too. They will tell you that you need to rest or that you need a vacation. They don’t understand that you can’t rest and that you don’t get a vacation! If you are still living with your covert narcissist, you don’t ever get a break. This is every day, every moment of every day. 

Even if you are out of the relationship, rest can still be incredibly hard to find. Your mind is still in overdrive. You are doubting yourself, your choices, your actions, even your own memories. You are obsessed with trying to figure out what happened. Is this my fault? Am I the problem? Your emotions are all over the place. You can’t rest because you have no hope or trust left. Even functioning can be extremely difficult.

A relationship with a covert narcissist requires enormous amounts of energy from the victim. 

Covert narcissists steal your life energy. They have none of their own and live off the energy of their victims. You have been trying to hold up not only yourself, but your abusive partner as well, and children if you have them. You have been providing the energy supply for at least 2 people for quite some time.

Think about it. You are the one who has been providing the motivational energy in the relationship. What I mean by this is that you were the one trying to push things in a positive direction all the time. You were the one watching for the problems, trying to divert them, and picking up the pieces afterwards. You were the one caring for everyone’s emotions. You tended to your abuser’s emotional needs even more than your own, and they not only allowed you to do all the work but actually expected it. When you let down on your own efforts for even a moment, the world blew up in front of you!

I know you are exhausted! I completely understand. Even getting out of bed can be a challenge. This is a phase. It isn’t forever. But if you are at this level of exhaustion or even a smaller level, you need to listen to your body. Ask yourself, what does my body need right now? If it needs rest, let yourself rest. Do the bare minimum in life and let your body get what it needs. Don’t worry, it won’t need this forever. You have been through a traumatic experience, and you need healing time.

When someone has been badly injured, one of the first steps in healing is rest. Let yourself rest!! We will be discussing the next steps soon. In the meantime, enjoy that rest and listen to how it makes your body feel.

Everyday Do the Next Right Thing

I was in a 20 year marriage, and divorce had been coming for a long time. For a few years, my friends and family kept asking me when I was actually going to file. My answer was always, “I don’t know, yet but I am confident that I will know when it is time.” Every day it just didn’t feel right yet. That was okay, because every day I did the next right thing to get me closer to ready. 

These steps ranged from packing up some sentimental family items that I didn’t want to fight over to taking one of the boys to our trusted and amazing counselor. It included documenting things that had happened that week and even talking with his mom about what was going on. Some of the steps were spending some positive quality time with my boys or even for me to spend that same positive time with a close friend for my own mental health. Some steps were meeting with a divorce attorney, getting questions answered, and learning about our finances. One step at a time, I put things in place, not only for the impending divorce but also for the necessary healing for me and our boys.

I knew I would know when the time was right. Then that day came. The first day ever that I felt like the next step was actually to file for divorce. I couldn’t believe it. I always had said that I would know, and somehow now I knew. This was a day that I had been waiting for for years. How did I know? I just knew. My heart knew, and it finally felt right to go file. So I did.

Every Relationship has Struggles

This very thought can keep you hooked in a bad relationship for years!

I used to think to myself, “It would not matter who I was with, there will always be problems, disagreements, issues. It could be far worse. I can stick this out.” I trusted my ability to endure these unexplained rages and circular conversations. Though I did not know that phrase at the time. I only knew that these conversations were incredibly painful, unproductive, and extremely lonely!

While it is true that all marriages have struggles, not all marriages are like this! In healthy relationships, partners don’t gaslight and manipulate each other. When people in a healthy relationship have a disagreement, they find reconciliation. They take mutual blame and meet in the middle. They have give and take!

Not when you are with a covert narcissist!! You don’t get an inch! Ever! You will never find reconciliation and resolution. You don’t walk away from these conversations feeling closer, safer, more trusting, and more at peace.

So while it may be true that all relationships have issues, this does not mean that you have to endure abuse of any sort. Abuse is abuse, and abuse is wrong! See it for what it is, and don’t use the excuse that all relationships have their struggles. Is this the way you really want to live?

Every Conversation is a Competition pt. 2

To a covert narcissist, conversations are transactions, and ALL transactions must end in their favor. In business transactions, the narcissist values winning far more than playing fairly. They must “win” at all costs. 

What do they define as a win? Healthy partners see a win when both people can walk away happy and peaceful. Both sides get a little of what they want, and both sides give a little to help the other person out. This brings deeper connection and deeper love into the relationship.

With a covert narcissist, if they give a little, they already see themselves as losing. They cannot give even an inch. So it is not possible for both sides to walk away happy and peaceful. The covert narcissist can walk away happy, well, sort of….they are never actually happy...satisfied might be a better word for it. They see themselves as a WINNER! But the victim will never walk away happy and peaceful. Instead, you are full of confusion and frustration, every time.

You are seeking desperately for a deeper connection with them. You are working so hard to find a way to their heart. You want nothing more than to love them and be loved by them. But it always seems unreachable. You just can’t ever actually get there. Why not?? What is SO wrong?? To the covert narcissist, it is always a competition, and they must always win! You are NOT a teammate, but rather you ARE a competitor!

The easiest way to not lose a competition is to not play. Stop trying to compromise or negotiate with the covert narcissist. Stop trying to turn conversations to a win-win. Stop trying to find a middle ground. There isn’t one to be found!!!

Don’t try to get them to understand your point of view. They won’t!

Don’t wait for them to agree or validate what you are saying. They never will!

Don’t expect them to be happy and peaceful in a normal conversation. They can’t do it!

Say what you need to say. Don’t worry about how they react to it. Their reactions are illogical and manipulative. If you feel you need to, listen one time to what they are saying. Don’t react to it. Then, as soon as possible, leave the conversation. You don’t have to justify leaving. You are allowed to simply walk away.

Every Conversation is a Competition

A covert narcissist must always be right about all things. They already know everything you are telling them before you even speak a word. They know what everyone is going to say, what everyone means behind their words, what everyone is going to do, and what should be done in every situation. Their great knowledge is clearly far superior to everyone else’s. They are right about it all.

Add to this great knowledge, a covert narcissist will never give you the space to be right about something. They will never give you that validation. They cannot simply say, “Yeah, you are right” or “I never thought of it like that.” 

They may actually get to a point that they admit you are right, but only in a back-handed way. They will make it very clear that what you are saying is stuff they already knew. Their knowledge must be greater, faster and stronger. You will hear things such as,

• “I know! I had that thought a week ago. Glad you caught up.”

• “You’re right, you must have been listening to me.”

• “I knew that was the case.”

• “I already know that, and I’ll take it a step further….”

  A simple “Hey, you have a good point there,” and leaving it at that is not within their capabilities. It threatens their ego too much. For that tiny instant, they would feel inferior to you. To admit that you are right means to them that they have to admit that they are wrong. There simply is no in-between ground. Win-win does not exist. It is only win-lose, and they must win!

Don’t forget, for them, this isn’t conversation. It’s combat! Every interaction has a winner and a loser, and they must be the winner, no matter how insignificant the conversation really is.

Enmeshment

With the spreading issues of narcissism and codependency, it has become common for marriage to mean enmeshment. The narcissist expects it with them being the dominant figure. The codependent expects it with them being the submissive figure.

What does this look like from the codependent? A person who is more codependent will sacrifice who they are to keep those around them happy. They sacrifice their own hobbies, desires, needs, and boundaries. They feel happy and secure when they are able to meet the other person’s needs. Thus their entire identity revolves around the feelings of the other person.

What does this look like from the covert narcissist? A person who is covert narcissistic will not make any sacrifices for the happiness of those around them. They feel happy and secure when others are able to meet their needs. So they encourage this, and even demand it. They want everyone’s focus to always be on them. Thus their entire identity revolves around themselves.

Marriage is not supposed to be an enmeshment. You don’t have to do everything together. In fact, I recommend that you don’t. You have your likes and dislikes, and they have theirs. You have your hobbies, and they have theirs. It is okay to do some things together, but each of you still has your own personality and desires. It is vitally important to both parties that marriage not become an enmeshment.

Emotionally Challenged

Covert narcissists are emotionally unavailable, extremely locked up with a monstrous wall around their heart. They are not reachable behind this wall. You always feel like there is a giant abyss between you and them. Often, the only emotion that is able to break through that wall is their own anger. All the other emotions are bottled up inside them. They commonly learn to mimic emotions from others, but these remain shallow and manipulated.

They are emotionally blind, with no ability to see the emotions of another person. They have no ability to distinguish between when you are upset or happy. You can be in a great mood, having a wonderful day, and they will ask you, “Why are you upset?” When you are talking with them, it can certainly feel like they don’t hear anything that you are saying. They hear the words, but nothing more. They have no recognition of your feelings and emotions.

They are emotionally challenged. They are unable to genuinely connect with people. They cannot build a relationship of trust, which requires vulnerability. They are not capable of being vulnerable in any way and thus have no ability to compromise or “give” in the relationship. Your explanations of emotional pain simply don’t make sense to them.

They are emotionally needy, wanting everyone else to make them feel better about themselves. It is everyone else’s fault that they are unhappy, and it is everyone else’s job to make them happy, which of course is not possible. They feed off of your emotional energy because they have none of their own. Victims find themselves completely drained and exhausted.

They are emotional vampires, robbing you of all your emotional energy. Feeding off your positive feelings, stealing all your emotional energy, and projecting their emotional negativity onto you. They have no ability to create an environment of emotional safety, leaving you walking on eggshells with your guard on high alert.

None of this creates an environment where you can grow emotionally. You need emotional safety. You need emotional warmth. You need emotional connection. You need emotional freedom. You need emotional strength.