Keeping the Peace... at What Cost? How Covert Narcissists Make Everyone Pay for Their Unhappiness

When you’re in a relationship with a covert narcissist, “keeping the peace” isn’t really about peace—it’s about survival. It’s about doing whatever it takes to avoid setting them off.

And often, that means sacrificing your needs, silencing your voice, and teaching everyone around you—especially your kids—that their comfort matters more than your own.

The Emotional Climate They Control

In homes ruled by covert narcissists, their mood determines everyone else’s day.

If they’re happy, you can breathe.
If they’re upset, you’re on edge.

Dinner plans get canceled.
Family fun gets sucked into a black hole.
Conversations feel like walking a tightrope.

You may even find yourself thinking, “Let’s just do what they want. It’s easier.”

And in the short term? Maybe it is.

But over time, this cycle of appeasement erodes your self-worth, silences your voice, and passes down a dangerous lesson:
We’re only safe when they’re happy.

A Real-Life Example: The Pizza Night That Wasn’t

It’s Friday night.
The kids are excited.
You’re all set for pizza and a movie—a little joy at the end of a long week.

The kids are laughing, choosing toppings, queuing up the film.

And then… your partner walks in.
Looks at the menu.
And says, “I don’t want pizza.”

But instead of offering a solution, they sulk.
Every option you suggest is met with silence or rejection.

Eventually, you turn to the kids and say:
“Let’s just get what your dad wants. It’s not worth the argument.”

And just like that, another lesson is reinforced:
Their discomfort matters more than your joy.

The Path of Least Resistance—We All Know It

This isn't just a narcissistic dynamic—it's a human one.

We’ve all been there:
You’re at a family gathering. Someone makes an off-color remark. You think, “I should say something…”
But instead, you change the subject or nervously laugh.

Because keeping things calm feels safer than speaking truth.

But in narcissistic relationships, this pattern becomes a way of life.
Not just a moment.
A survival strategy.

The Hidden Toll on You—and Your Kids

When peacekeeping becomes your full-time job, here’s what it costs:

• Chronic anxiety from constantly monitoring their mood

• Loss of identity from putting your needs last

• Resentment that simmers just beneath the surface

• False guilt every time you dare to speak up

And if you’re asking your kids to tiptoe too?
They’re learning those same lessons.
They’re absorbing the message that someone else’s comfort always comes first.

That’s not peace.
That’s emotional conditioning.

What You Can Do to Break the Pattern

Here are a few ways to start shifting this dynamic:

1. Name it. Call it what it is. “I’m about to give in just to avoid their reaction.”

2. Stop recruiting others. Especially your kids. Let them know it’s not their job to manage an adult’s emotions.

3. Set small boundaries. Start with one tiny thing you can hold your ground on this week.

4. Tolerate their discomfort. Let them be disappointed. Let them sulk. It’s not yours to fix.

5. Get support. You do not have to untangle this alone. Community and coaching are vital.

Final Thoughts

Keeping the peace shouldn’t mean keeping yourself small.
You’re allowed to speak.
You’re allowed to need.
You’re allowed to stop catering to someone who has made their happiness everyone else’s responsibility.

True peace isn’t won through silence and sacrifice.
It begins with truth, boundaries, and courage.

Rent Free in My Head: How Covert Narcissists Keep Controlling You After You Leave

You left.
You blocked them.
You moved out.
You even started therapy.

And still… somehow… they’re right there.
Not in your house.
Not in your inbox.
But in your head.

Welcome to the maddening aftermath of covert narcissistic abuse — where the relationship ends, but the control doesn’t.

If you’ve ever said, “He’s no longer in my life, but he still lives rent free in my head,” this post is for you.

🎯 Why the Covert Narcissist Still Lives in Your Head

When you’re in a relationship with a covert narcissist, the manipulation is subtle — but it cuts deep.

They don’t scream.
They don’t throw punches.
They chip away at you with blame, guilt, confusion, and gaslighting — until you no longer recognize your own thoughts as yours.

Over time, their voice becomes internalized. And long after they’re gone, you may still hear:

• “You’re too sensitive.”

• “You’re the problem.”

• “No one else would put up with you.”

Even though you’ve left, they’ve taken up residence in your inner monologue.

🧠 Emotional Abuse Rewires the Brain

Here’s why this happens — and why it’s not your fault.

1. Trauma Bonds

Covert narcissists are masters of intermittent reinforcement: kindness, then cruelty. Attention, then withdrawal. It creates a push-pull dynamic that mimics addiction. You become chemically and emotionally hooked, even when you know they’re harming you.

2. Chronic Hypervigilance

When you live in survival mode, constantly anticipating their moods, your nervous system adapts to stay alert. After they’re gone, your body stays stuck in that fight-or-flight state — still looking for danger, even in silence.

3. Internalized Gaslighting

Over time, you start to question your reality so often, it becomes automatic. You doubt yourself even when no one’s questioning you. Their voice becomes your voice.

🚩 Signs They’re Still Controlling Your Mind

Not sure if they’re still “living rent free” upstairs? Here are a few signs:

• You rehearse imaginary arguments in your head, trying to get closure.

• You seek validation, wondering if you were the narcissist.

• You feel shame or anxiety over your own joy, as if you’re being watched.

• You find yourself explaining your story to people who don’t understand — desperate for someone to say, “That was abuse.”

Even when they’re physically gone, they still feel present. That’s not weakness. That’s trauma.

🔨 How to Start Evicting the Narcissist From Your Head

The good news? You can get your mind back. It takes conscious, compassionate work — but it’s absolutely possible.

1. Name the Intruder

Start identifying which thoughts are yours… and which are echoes of them.
Try saying aloud:

“That’s not my voice. That’s the one they trained me to hear.”

2. Set Mental Boundaries

You’ve blocked them on your phone. Now block them in your thoughts.
When intrusive, self-critical thoughts come up, pause and ask:

“Is this true — or is this residue?”

3. Use Trauma-Informed Healing Tools

• EMDR: Reprocess trauma so it loses its grip.

• IFS: Understand the parts of you still stuck in survival.

• Somatic Work: Help your body finally feel safe.

4. Flood Yourself With Truth

Their voice was repeated enough to feel real. You can do the same with truth.
Surround yourself with affirmations, podcasts, books, and people who speak your reality back to you.

5. Reclaim Your Voice

Journal. Cry. Sing. Speak.
Write the words you were never allowed to say.
You don’t need permission.
You only need to choose your voice over theirs — again and again.

🎆 What Freedom Really Means (Especially This Week)

As the U.S. celebrates Independence Day, I want to remind you:

Freedom isn’t just about fireworks.
It’s not just about leaving the relationship.
It’s about reclaiming your mind — your inner world.

And if you’re still in the relationship?
If you can’t leave just yet?
You can still begin your own revolution.

Kick them out of your head — even if you can’t kick them out of your home just yet.

You have the right to emotional freedom.
You have the right to your own thoughts.
And you have the right to rebuild a self that no longer makes room for their voice.

📝 Final Thoughts

They left — or you left them. But the mental residue remains.
That’s not weakness. That’s trauma.

But healing is real.
Peace is possible.
And your mind is your territory now.

This week, take one step toward reclaiming it.
Light a sparkler. Burn a lie. Write a truth.
Do something that says:

“This is my space. You don’t get to live here anymore.”

💬 Want Support?

If you're ready to go deeper in your healing, I’d love to support you.
Check out my coaching services at www.covertnarcissism.com

And don’t forget to share this post with someone else who's ready to reclaim their mind — and their life — after covert narcissistic abuse.

Implode or Explode: How Narcissists React When You Call Them Out

It doesn’t matter if you just asked them why they forgot to grab milk on the way home or if you just caught them in a massive lie.

The reaction feels the same.

Disproportionate.
Confusing.
Emotionally exhausting.

Because when you confront a narcissist—especially a covert narcissist—you’re not stepping into a healthy, honest conversation. You’re stepping into a minefield.

And their most common response?
They either implode in shame… or explode in blame.

Sometimes both.

In this post, we’ll explore the two typical reactions narcissists have when exposed, why these reactions happen, and how to protect yourself when they do.

The Implosion: When Shame Turns Inward

Let’s start with the implosion.

This is when the narcissist collapses emotionally. Not in accountability—but in self-pity.
They spiral into a performance of shame and guilt that seems, at first glance, like remorse.

They may cry.
They may say things like:

• “I’m the worst person in the world.”

• “You’re right, I ruin everything.”

• “Why do you even stay with me?”

And for a moment, it feels like they’re taking responsibility.

But it’s a trap.

This isn’t true ownership.
It’s a distraction.
One that pulls you into the role of comforter, caretaker, or rescuer.
Suddenly, you’re trying to make them feel better—and the original issue you were confronting is now buried under a wave of their emotional collapse.

The Explosion: When Shame Turns Outward

The second reaction is the explosion.

This one’s loud. Hot. Unpredictable.

They lash out.
Deflect blame.
Gaslight you.
Twist your words.
Bring up every mistake you’ve ever made—even ones you’ve long since forgotten.

Common phrases in this explosion might sound like:

• “You’re too sensitive.”

• “You’re always trying to make me the bad guy.”

• “You twist everything I say.”

• “This is why no one can stand you.”

Instead of accountability, you’re now defending yourself.
And again—the original issue gets lost.

Analogy Time: The Whirlpool and the Volcano

Think of these two reactions like this:

• Implosion is a whirlpool.
  It’s quiet at first. But once you’re caught in the spiral, it pulls you down. You’re drowning in their emotions, trying to rescue them, trying to calm them, trying to fix the brokenness they’re showing you. But the more you try, the deeper you get pulled in.

• Explosion is a volcano.
  It’s hot, violent, and immediate. You’re suddenly standing in the blast zone, dodging emotional lava—accusations, insults, and blame flying at you. You’re scrambling to protect yourself from the emotional fallout.

Either way, you’re left depleted and disoriented.

Why Are These Their Only Two Reactions?

At the core of narcissism is a fragile ego.
A self-image so carefully constructed that any challenge to it feels like annihilation.

When you call them out, you’re threatening that image.
And they don’t have the emotional tools to sit with the shame, own their behavior, and work through it.

So what do they do?

• Implode into self-pity to make you feel guilty.

• Explode into rage to make you feel small.

Both reactions serve the same purpose:
To avoid responsibility and regain emotional control.

This Is Why You Feel So Confused

If you’ve ever left a confrontation with a narcissist feeling worse than when you started—this is why.

You start questioning:

• Am I being too harsh?

• Maybe I should have said it differently.

• Am I overreacting?

• Was it really that big of a deal?

They’ve trained you to doubt yourself.

Whether they implode or explode, you end up walking on eggshells, stuck in circular conversations, or consoling someone who just hurt you.

What Real Accountability Looks Like

Let’s compare.

In a healthy relationship, when someone is confronted about hurtful behavior, their response might be:

• “You’re right. I didn’t handle that well.”

• “I hear you. I want to understand.”

• “I’m sorry. How can I make this right?”

There’s no collapse.
No attack.
Just ownership.

They may not like the confrontation, but they don’t try to make you pay for speaking up.

How to Protect Your Peace

Here’s what you need to remember when the implosion or explosion starts:

1. Pause and name it.
   You’re not dealing with true accountability. You’re watching a defense mechanism.

2. Don’t get pulled in.
   You’re not responsible for soothing their collapse or surviving their explosion.

3. Set boundaries.
   Walk away. End the conversation. You don’t have to stay in the emotional blast zone.

4. Protect your reality.
   Journal, talk to someone safe, ground yourself in what actually happened.

5. Get support.
   These patterns are hard to break alone. Coaching, therapy, and community can make all the difference.

Final Thoughts

When a narcissist is exposed, they rarely say,
“You’re right. I need to take responsibility.”

Instead, they fall apart or blow up—both ways to put the spotlight back on you and off of their behavior.

But just because they can’t face the truth…
Doesn’t mean you stop speaking it.

You deserve to be heard.
You deserve to feel safe in your own truth.
And you don’t have to carry the weight of their reactions anymore.

💬 If you found this post helpful, share it with someone who needs to hear it. And if you're ready to go deeper in your healing journey, check out my coaching programs at www.covertnarcissism.com

Is This Really Healing… or Just Behavior Management? The Dry Drunk Parallel in Covert Narcissistic Abuse

The Illusion of Peace

She stood at the kitchen sink, coffee growing cold in her hand.

The yelling had stopped. The gaslighting had gone quiet. The emotional landmines? Fewer and farther between.

By all accounts, he had “changed.”

He was sober. He wasn’t disappearing into late-night arguments. He didn’t rage when she brought up a concern.

She had begged for this—for peace. And now that it was here?

She felt worse.

Not in obvious, explosive ways. But in that quiet, gnawing, “something’s still wrong” kind of way.

What Is a “Dry Drunk”?

In recovery circles, a dry drunk refers to someone who has stopped drinking but hasn’t done the emotional work that led them to alcohol in the first place.

They may be sober, but they’re still bitter. Angry. Shut down. Controlling.

They haven’t touched the wounds underneath the addiction—childhood trauma, shame, abandonment, fear. They’ve just removed the painkiller.

And what’s left is a person who’s technically not drinking… but who’s also not growing. Not evolving. Not becoming emotionally safe.

They’re sober, but still unsafe to be close to.

The Lie of “Better Behavior = Healing”

I see this exact dynamic all the time in my coaching work—not just with addiction, but with survivors of covert narcissistic abuse.

Clients tell me things like:

“He stopped lying and raging. I should feel relieved… but I don’t.”
“She’s not gaslighting anymore… but she feels miles away.”
“It’s peaceful now, but I feel emotionally abandoned.”

The outside world sees improvement. The partner sees a polished version of who they once were. But your body knows:
This isn’t healing. It’s behavior management.

And in many cases, it actually feels worse.

Because now you don’t have “proof” of the dysfunction. Now you’re gaslighting yourself.

Covert Narcissism and the Emotional Void

Here’s the truth: people don’t become manipulative, controlling, or emotionally abusive out of nowhere. Those behaviors come from deep internal dysfunction—often rooted in:

• Childhood trauma and attachment wounds

• Shame and fragile self-worth

• Emotional immaturity and dysregulation

• Fear of intimacy and vulnerability

• A distorted sense of control and identity

When a covert narcissist stops the visible behaviors—lying, guilt-tripping, stonewalling, raging—it doesn’t mean those wounds are gone.

Most of the time, it just means the dysfunction has gone underground.

Instead of yelling, they give you the cold shoulder.
Instead of gaslighting, they stay quiet and bitter.
Instead of cheating, they disconnect and disappear emotionally.

They look calmer, but the emotional energy hasn’t changed. They’ve learned to manage the optics—not do the work.

Why It Feels Worse After They "Get Better"

When the overt abuse stops, it creates a disorienting vacuum. You should feel relieved. Everyone around you might think you’ve finally reached peace.

But in reality, what used to be chaos has now become emptiness.

It’s silent, cold, and distant. There’s no connection. No empathy. No accountability. Just emotional vacancy.

And this is where many survivors spiral—because they think something must be wrong with them for not feeling happy.

But here’s what I need you to hear:

You’re not ungrateful. You’re not too sensitive. You’re not the problem.
You’re just finally sitting in the truth: surface-level behavior change doesn’t equal deep, relational healing.

What True Healing Actually Looks Like

Healing isn’t just about stopping bad behavior.

It’s about building something safe in its place.

True healing looks like:

• Genuine self-reflection

• Ownership of past harm without defensiveness

• Emotional regulation—not suppression

• Vulnerability and empathy

• The ability to stay present and connected in discomfort

• Consistent safety—not just short-term behavior shifts

It’s not about perfection. It’s about emotional availability, growth, and integrity.

If your partner has stopped yelling but still avoids you emotionally…
If they’ve stopped lying but refuse to talk about the past…
If they’ve stopped hurting you overtly but leave you walking on eggshells…

That’s not healing. That’s hiding.

You Deserve More Than the Absence of Harm

If you’re stuck in a relationship that “looks better” but still feels wrong, I want you to know this:

Your nervous system isn’t confused.
It’s telling you the truth.

Just because someone stopped doing the bad doesn’t mean they’ve started doing the good. You don’t have to settle for someone who isn’t hurting you if they’re still not showing up for you.

You deserve more than behavior change. You deserve connection. Honesty. Accountability. Growth. You deserve healing—not image repair.

❤️ Ready to Heal on a Deeper Level?

If this resonated with you, and you’re navigating the aftermath of covert narcissistic abuse or trying to make sense of a partner’s so-called “growth,” I’d love to support you.

I offer 1:1 and group coaching, as well as a full healing program for survivors like you. Learn more at www.covertnarcissism.com.

And if you haven’t already, be sure to subscribe to The Covert Narcissism Podcast for more deep-dive topics like this one.

The Birthday That Broke You: Why Covert Narcissists Ruin Special Occasions

Some birthdays you never forget—not because they were magical, but because they were devastating.

If you've ever walked away from a birthday dinner in tears, spent Christmas feeling like a burden, or watched your anniversary unravel into silence or sabotage, you’re not alone. When you're in a relationship with a covert narcissist, special occasions often become emotional battlegrounds.

And the pain? It sticks.

Why Do Covert Narcissists Ruin Holidays and Celebrations?

For most people, birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays are about connection, love, and celebration. But for the covert narcissist, these events are threatening. Not because they don’t understand the significance—but because they aren’t the center of it.

Special occasions trigger a deep sense of envy and insecurity for covert narcissists. They might feel unseen or unimportant unless everything revolves around them. So rather than celebrating you, they punish you—for being celebrated.

Here are a few common ways this shows up:

• They “forget” your birthday or act like it’s no big deal.

• They pick a fight the morning of a special event.

• They disappear emotionally or physically when you were hoping to feel close.

• They give you a gift that’s clearly about them, not you.

• They sabotage your plans with passive-aggressive behavior or last-minute drama.

It’s confusing. One minute, you're trying to blow out candles or toast with family—and the next, you're navigating a guilt trip or a cold shoulder that overshadows everything.

The Pattern That Breaks You

One client shared, “Every year on my birthday, I hoped it would be different. I told myself he just didn’t like celebrations or forgot. But then, every year, something happened. A fight. An ‘accidental’ oversight. Or a wave of silence so heavy I felt like I didn’t exist.”

This is more than being forgetful or insensitive. It’s emotional sabotage.

Over time, it breaks you down. You stop looking forward to holidays. You lower your expectations to avoid disappointment. You tell yourself it’s selfish to want to be celebrated.

But it’s not selfish. It’s human.

What It Steals from You

Covert narcissistic abuse robs you of joy in the moments that should fill you up. It turns milestones into minefields. You may begin to dread your own birthday, not because of age, but because of the predictable pain that comes with it.

It can make you question your worth, your memories, your sanity.

And it’s not just about the occasion—it’s about what it represents. These days highlight what’s missing in your relationship: empathy, attunement, mutual care.

Reclaiming the Days That Matter

If this resonates with you, I want to offer something different: Create your own holiday.

Yes, a real day—just for you.

Make it the day you left. Or the day you chose peace over pretending. Or maybe the day you realized, I deserve to feel loved—especially by myself.

Here are some ideas for your personal celebration:

• Take yourself on a solo date. A hike, a nice dinner, a beach day—whatever makes you feel alive.

• Write a letter to your past self. Thank them for surviving. Acknowledge their pain.

• Gather with friends who truly see you. Create your own tradition.

• Do something symbolic. Burn an old card. Plant something new. Buy a piece of jewelry you would’ve wanted from them—and give it to yourself.

And if you want to take this even deeper…

At Our Annual Retreat…

Each year at our in-person retreat for survivors of covert narcissistic abuse, we hold a special holiday dinner. We call it the Celebration of the Uncelebrated.

Everyone picks the holiday they want to dress up for—the one they always loved or the one that was always ruined. We decorate. We laugh. We eat food from all the major holidays throughout the year.

It’s a time to reclaim joy on our own terms. To rewrite the script. To say: I matter. My milestones matter. And I will never again let them be stolen from me.

If you’re ready to join us for a weekend of healing, laughter, and powerful reconnection, you can find all the details here.

You Deserve Better

The birthday that broke you may have felt like the final straw—or maybe it was just one more crack in the foundation.

But it doesn’t have to define you.

There is healing. There is celebration ahead. And most importantly—there is a version of you who finally gets to feel seen, cherished, and whole.

And that is worth celebrating.

Want more support?
Subscribe to The Covert Narcissism Podcast for more healing tools and real conversations.
Your story matters, and you deserve to be heard without judgment.

What’s in Your Basement? How Childhood Trauma Sabotages Adult Relationships

We often think our struggles in relationships are about what’s happening now. We analyze the arguments, the silence, the panic, the pullbacks. We try to communicate better, set stronger boundaries, or “just let things go.” But what if the real issue isn’t on the main floor of your emotional house at all?

What if the problem is in the basement?

In this week’s episode of the Covert Narcissism Podcast, I explore how childhood trauma quietly sabotages adult relationships—not because you’re broken, but because you’re wired for survival.
👉 Listen to the full episode here.

Your Emotional House Has a Basement

Most of us live in the “main floor” of our emotional lives—managing adult responsibilities, relationships, and communication. We’re doing the best we can with the tools we have. But under that main floor is a basement—full of old wiring, hidden systems, and emotional dust we don’t often acknowledge.

That basement is where childhood trauma, emotional neglect, or early abuse lives. And unless we’ve taken the time to examine what’s down there, those outdated survival systems continue to run the show.

When Childhood Survival Responses Replace Emotional Growth

Here’s what happens:
When trauma occurs in childhood—whether overt abuse or subtle emotional abandonment—our development doesn’t just pause. It reroutes.

Instead of learning trust, safety, and emotional connection, we build survival strategies:

• People-pleasing to avoid punishment

• Emotional numbing to avoid pain

• Hypervigilance to monitor danger

• Avoidance of intimacy to prevent abandonment

These strategies work beautifully in a toxic environment. But when we carry them into healthy relationships, they become roadblocks. They’re instinctive, subconscious, and incredibly hard to let go of—because we learned them when we were small and scared.

How the Basement Sabotages Healthy Love

Without examining your emotional basement, your childhood beliefs start defining:

• How you see others: as potential threats or abandoners

• How you see yourself: as too much, not enough, or responsible for everyone’s emotions

• How you see love: as something to earn, protect, or fear losing

So even when you’re in a safe, supportive relationship…
You might panic when someone pulls away.
You might sabotage when someone gets too close.
You might numb out or overreact or overthink—and not understand why.

It’s not because you’re weak. It’s because you were wired to survive, not to connect.

How to Start Rewiring the Foundation

If this resonates, here’s what I want you to know:

1. Acknowledge the Basement Exists

Your past does impact your present. You’re not crazy. You’re not overreacting. You’re responding to old emotional blueprints.

2. Get Curious, Not Critical

Instead of asking “What’s wrong with me?”, ask “Where did I learn this?” Your triggers are often echoes of childhood fears, not reflections of your current reality.

3. Take Gentle Steps into the Basement

You don’t need to dive headfirst. But begin to explore the beliefs and survival strategies that still live there. And if it feels overwhelming, please seek a trauma-informed therapist or coach to walk with you.

You Can Rewire Your Emotional Life

Emotional sabotage doesn’t come from brokenness—it comes from protection.
And now, you can learn to protect yourself without pushing love away.
You can put down the old tools and build something new.

You can stop surviving… and start connecting.

🎧 Ready to explore this more deeply?
Click here to listen to the full episode: What’s in Your Basement? How Childhood Trauma Sabotages Adult Relationships

If you’re on this healing journey and want support, feel free to reach out at renee@covertnarcissism.com. I’d be honored to walk alongside you.

How to Raise Emotionally Healthy Kids Amidst Covert Narcissistic Abuse

How do you raise emotionally grounded, confident, self-aware kids when you’re still trying to navigate the wreckage of covert narcissistic abuse — or healing from it yourself?

If you’ve ever found yourself asking “How do I help my kids have the relationships I never got to have?”— you are not alone. And you're not failing. You're doing something incredibly brave.

This blog post is based on one of our most important podcast episodes to date. If you'd prefer to listen, you can find the full episode of the Covert Narcissism Podcast titled How to Raise Emotionally Healthy Kids Amidst Covert Narcissistic Abuse here.

Let’s walk through it together.

1. You Can’t Heal It All for Them — But You Can Show Them the Way

Let’s start with a deep breath: You don’t have to be perfect.

You’re going to raise your voice. You’re going to miss cues. You’re going to react in ways that later make you cringe. That doesn’t disqualify you from being a healing parent — it makes you human.

The difference is awareness. That awareness is the cycle breaking.

Covert narcissistic parenting is rooted in denial, deflection, and domination. Conscious parenting is rooted in honesty, humility, and repair. You don’t have to fix everything — you just have to model something new.

2. Name It to Tame It — The Power of Language

Kids don’t need psychological terminology. They need truth in a way that makes sense.

They need language for what they’re feeling. For the things they’ve experienced but don’t yet understand.

Try:

• “You seem really sad right now. Want to talk about it or just sit with me?”

• “It’s okay to be upset. Your feelings make sense.”

• “When someone says something mean and then tells you you're too sensitive, that’s called gaslighting. It’s not your fault.”

When children grow up around emotional manipulation, giving them language becomes a lifeline. You’re helping them reclaim their internal compass.

3. Teach Emotional Safety — Not Perfection

Most of us didn’t grow up with emotional safety. We were taught to shut down or explode — to hide our pain or use it as a weapon.

Your kids don’t need to be perfectly regulated. They need to know they’re safe being human.

That means:

• Letting them express anger without shame

• Letting sadness be felt, not rushed

• Modeling calm rather than threatening love or connection

Emotional safety is the bedrock of healthy adult relationships. When your children feel safe telling you the truth, they won’t need to manipulate or hide to feel loved.

4. Navigating Nature and Nurture in Real Time

It’s completely normal to worry when you see your child showing traits that resemble the narcissistic parent — entitlement, emotional outbursts, control-seeking behaviors.

Here’s the truth: Traits aren’t destiny. What matters is what gets nurtured.

You can support emotional growth by:

• Mirroring their efforts and emotions honestly, rather than inflating or minimizing

• Helping them value internal validation over external praise

• Letting them experience discomfort without rushing in to fix it

• Modeling accountability without shame

Your consistent, emotionally grounded presence has more power than you think.

5. Undoing the Messages They Absorbed from the Other Parent

Co-parenting with a narcissist is one of the most painful, disorienting challenges there is. And yes, you may see your child mimic some of those behaviors — gaslighting, blame-shifting, emotional avoidance.

But don’t panic. And don’t shame them.

Offer loving clarity:

• “In this house, we talk things through instead of giving the silent treatment.”

• “It’s okay to be mad. It’s not okay to be mean.”

• “You’re allowed to feel disappointed, but lying to get your way isn’t how we handle that.”

Boundaries + empathy = safety. This consistency reshapes their emotional blueprint.

6. Your Healing Becomes Their Safety

Your children are watching you.

They’re watching how you say no.
How you set boundaries.
How you apologize and repair.
How you take care of your own emotions.

So ask yourself:

• What do I want them to believe about love?

• About conflict?

• About their worth?

And then — as best you can — live that belief. Even imperfectly.

Final Thoughts

You didn’t create the dysfunction you came from. But you do get to decide what continues through you — and what ends with you.

You can’t protect your children from every hurt. But you can teach them how to recognize harm, stay rooted in their truth, and heal when life knocks them down.

This is the legacy you are creating.

🎧 Listen to the Full Episode

Want to dive deeper into this topic? You can listen to the full episode of the Covert Narcissism Podcast:
“How to Raise Emotionally Healthy Kids Amidst Covert Narcissistic Abuse” right here.

This episode includes examples, powerful language tools, and encouragement for parents walking this hard — but deeply meaningful — path.

Need more support?
Explore my coaching programs and resources for navigating parenting, healing, and recovery from covert narcissistic abuse at covertnarcissism.com.

You are not alone. And your kids are lucky to have you!

Addicted to the Fix: Why Covert Narcissists Keep Pulling You Back Into the Pit

You’re not addicted to them.
You’re addicted to the relief.

In a relationship with a covert narcissist, what looks like love is often something far more dangerous — trauma bonding. It’s a cycle of emotional highs and devastating lows, designed not to nurture connection, but to control it.

And if you've ever asked yourself why the bad moments keep getting worse, why you keep trying harder even when you're running on empty — this post is for you.

The Push-Pull Pattern of Covert Narcissistic Abuse

Living with a covert narcissist means living on a rollercoaster.

One moment, they’re adoring you — telling you you’re the best thing that ever happened to them, recounting every beautiful memory you've shared, declaring that you're their soulmate.

And then, without warning, the switch flips.

Suddenly, you’re the villain.
They say every memory is ruined, that you’ve only ever made their life worse.
They become cold, distant, even cruel.

This is the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde dynamic — and it’s not random. It’s engineered to destabilize you, confuse you, and keep you emotionally chasing the “good” version of them.

The Addictive Highs of Trauma Bonding

So why do you stay?

It’s not because you’re weak or naïve. It’s because you’re neurologically and emotionally bonded to the cycle.
This cycle releases dopamine — the same brain chemical activated by powerful drugs like cocaine.

Yes, you read that right.
When the narcissist offers you a moment of relief after chaos — a sweet word, a soft touch, a return to normal — your brain releases dopamine. It feels euphoric. You feel safe again. You feel “close.”

But it’s not love. It’s addiction — to the spike of emotional safety that follows emotional starvation.

The problem is, that high only comes after the crash.
And over time, you start to crave it. You start working harder to earn it.

That’s trauma bonding.

What They’re Really Addicted To

While you’re hooked on the ups, the covert narcissist is hooked on the downs.

They’re addicted to your Fix-It Mode — the energy you pour into them when things fall apart.
When they spiral, you show up. You cancel your plans. You make their favorite dinner. You validate every feeling. You prove your love. You center their pain.

And that attention? That emotional labor?
That’s their drug of choice.

They don't want consistent love and connection.
They want the flood of energy you give them when they’re in crisis — because that’s when they feel most powerful and most in control of you.

When Their Pit Stops Working

At first, it doesn’t take much for them to pull you in — a moody silence, a guilt trip, a little self-pity.
But then… something shifts.

You start waking up. You hesitate. You ask yourself, “Why am I the only one trying?” You pause before fixing.

And suddenly, their usual tactics don’t work anymore.

So what happens next?
They go deeper.

Now the pit isn’t just sadness — it’s weaponized despair.
They escalate with more intense guilt, threats of abandonment, accusations of betrayal, emotional shutdowns.

Because your Fix-It Mode has become harder to access…
they have to fall further to trigger it.

And every time you respond to that escalation, you reinforce the pattern:
If they fall apart big enough, you’ll show up harder.

This Is Not a Relationship. It’s a Cycle of Control.

Here’s the hardest truth of all:
They don’t want healing. They want your reaction.

They don’t want resolution.
They want your emotional servitude.

And they will keep creating chaos to activate the part of you that rushes in to soothe, stabilize, and fix.

It’s not that you’re too sensitive. It’s that your empathy has been exploited.

Breaking the Cycle: The Emotional Detox

The only way out is to stop playing the game.

Stop rushing to fix what they intentionally keep breaking.
Stop proving your love to someone who’s weaponizing your care.

Understand this:

• You can’t love someone out of the pit they keep jumping into.

• You can’t fix someone who’s addicted to being broken — because being broken guarantees your attention.

When you stop responding, they may escalate. They may rage. They may beg.
That’s not because they’ve changed — it’s because they’re losing access to your Fix-It Mode.

And that’s when your healing begins.

You Are Allowed to Stop Fixing

You are not here to rescue someone from pits they keep digging.
You are allowed to stop pouring your energy into someone who thrives in chaos.
You are allowed to choose peace over performance.

Because love shouldn’t feel like survival.
And if it does — it’s time to call it what it is:

A trauma bond. Not a relationship.

💬 Ready to Break Free?

If this resonates with you, know that you’re not alone. These patterns are deeply rooted, but they can be broken.

I work with survivors every day who are reclaiming their peace, identity, and energy after years of trauma bonding and emotional abuse.

If you’re ready to take your next step, click here to learn more about my coaching services.
And if this article helped bring clarity, please share it — your story may be the mirror someone else needs.

Circular Conversations from Hell: Trapped in the Loop with a Covert Narcissist

Before I Knew the Term “Covert Narcissism,” I Knew Something Was Off

Long before I ever heard the term covert narcissist, I knew something wasn’t right.
The conversations never made sense.
I always walked away feeling worse.
The more I tried to explain myself, the more confused and powerless I felt.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone — and you’re not crazy. You may be stuck in a circular conversation with a covert narcissist, one of the most subtle and destructive forms of emotional abuse.

What Is a Circular Conversation in a Narcissistic Relationship?

A circular conversation is a never-ending, logic-defying discussion where you keep trying to reach resolution — but it never happens. With a covert narcissist, the conversation loops endlessly, not because they don’t understand you, but because they don’t want to. Their goal isn’t clarity. It’s control.

Covert narcissists often avoid yelling or overt aggression. Instead, they use tactics like gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and shifting blame to keep you spinning in circles, doubting yourself more and more.

Signs You’re Trapped in a Circular Conversation with a Covert Narcissist

If you’re wondering whether this is happening in your relationship, here are some red flags to watch for:

• You feel like you’re repeating yourself over and over again, but nothing gets through.

• They twist your words or accuse you of things you never said.

• You walk away from the conversation feeling blamed or ashamed, even when you did nothing wrong.

• You feel more confused after the conversation than you did before.

• They dodge responsibility, minimize your feelings, or turn everything back on you.

These are all common traits of covert narcissistic abuse — and they’re designed to wear you down emotionally.

Why Conflict Feels Impossible to Resolve

Healthy conflict allows for resolution. You express, you listen, you work through it. But with a covert narcissist, conflict becomes an opportunity for control and resolution is out of reach. Your thoughts, logic, emotions, and needs are used against you.

You might even find yourself thinking:

• “Maybe I just didn’t explain myself well enough.”

• “Why do I always end up apologizing?”

• “How did we end up back here again?”

That’s the trap. The loop. The manipulative cycle of covert narcissistic behavior.

How to Step Out of the Narcissistic Conversation Spiral

You cannot have a healthy conversation with someone who isn’t seeking connection — only control. Here’s how you begin to break free from the cycle:

1. Name It

Recognizing that you're in a toxic communication pattern is the first step. Label it: This is a circular conversation. This is not healthy.

2. Pause It

You are allowed to exit conversations that are going nowhere. Say, “I need to step away. This conversation is not productive right now.”

3. Stop Explaining

You don’t have to keep defending your reality. Covert narcissists thrive on making you feel like your truth needs justification. It doesn’t.

4. Set Boundaries

Don’t respond to every accusation or guilt trip. Boundaries aren’t mean — they’re necessary when dealing with covert narcissistic manipulation.

Boundaries are for you, not them. Instead of “you won’t talk to me this way,” set the boundary of “I will not defend myself.” Boundaries are for the things you will and will not do. Another example is “I am not comfortable in this conversation and want some time to think about it, so I am walking away.”

This Is Emotional Abuse — Even If No One Else Sees It

Just because the abuse is quiet doesn't mean it's not real. Living with a covert narcissist often means enduring invisible emotional abuse that leaves deep scars. These patterns make you doubt your own memories, instincts, and voice.

But you’re not imagining it. You are not the problem. And you don’t have to keep engaging in conversations that only serve to confuse and diminish you.

You Deserve More Than a Loop

If you’re constantly trying to “get through” to someone who refuses to meet you with empathy, you are not in a relationship — you are in a cycle. Healing begins the moment you stop trying to resolve the unresolvable and start listening to your inner truth.

If you're trying to untangle yourself from the effects of covert narcissistic abuse, you're not alone. It takes time, tools, and support — but there is a way out. Your story matters. And you deserve to be heard without judgment.

You Want to See My Bruises? Look at My Kids

Why Emotional Abuse Leaves Invisible Scars—and How You Keep Showing Up Anyway

It took everything in me to finally say the words out loud:
“He is abusive.”

My voice trembled—not because I was afraid of him in that moment, but because I was afraid of not being believed. I had kept it inside for so long, trying to rationalize, minimize, survive. But this time, I needed someone to see me. To hear me. To validate what I knew deep down: this wasn’t normal, and it wasn’t okay.

But what came next always felt like a punch to the gut:
“Oh! I’m so sorry. Did he hit you?”

And when I said no, I watched their concern vanish. Their eyes scanned my face for black eyes, busted lips, any visible scars. When they found none, their expression shifted—surprise, doubt, discomfort. Not doubt of him—doubt of me.

Because in their world, no bruises meant no abuse.

The Scars They Couldn’t See

Suddenly I wasn’t a person in pain. I was someone being dramatic. Misunderstanding. Overreacting. I could hear the silent assumptions:

• It can’t be that bad.

• Maybe she’s just too sensitive.

• Sure, he’s difficult… but abusive?

That moment didn’t just steal my support—it threatened to steal my reality.

But I want to say this to anyone who’s ever asked, “Where are the bruises?”
If you really want to see the damage… look at my kids.

The Hidden Bruises of Covert Narcissistic Abuse

No, he didn’t leave bruises on their skin.
But he left them in far more devastating places.

• In their eyes when they were dismissed or ignored.

• In their questions: “Why doesn’t Daddy like me?”

• In their fear of expressing opinions.

• In their constant need to apologize—for things that weren’t their fault.

• In the tightness of their shoulders, the sleepless nights, the stomachaches before school.

These are the bruises that don’t show up in ER visits or police reports.
These are the bruises that live in the nervous system.

They show up in their obsession with being perfect, in their deep confusion about love, in their heartbreaking belief that they are the problem.
Because when one parent is a covert narcissist, the child learns a devastating truth early on: love is conditional.

Co-Parenting With a Covert Narcissist: The Battle No One Sees

If you’re parenting with a covert narcissist, you know this battlefield intimately.
You are doing the hardest job of your life—under siege. You parent in an emotional war zone. You are both the shield and the nurturer. There is no teammate. No soft place to land.

Instead of encouragement, you get undermined.
Instead of partnership, you get manipulation.

It’s not just that they won’t support you.
It’s that they are actively working against you.

They twist your words. Gaslight your children. Paint you as the villain while playing the victim. And while they do this, you’re left carrying the emotional weight of two parents, wondering every night if you’re doing enough.

You’re Not Just Surviving—You’re Showing Up

Let me be clear: Of course you screw up.
You lose your temper. You cry behind closed doors. You say things you wish you hadn’t. You’re human. And you're doing an impossible job with no manual and no backup.

But still, you show up.
You make the lunches.
You dry their tears.
You kiss scraped knees.
You teach love that is real—even if it’s imperfect.

You are modeling stability in chaos. You are showing them what it means to love safely and truthfully. You are breaking generational cycles brick by painful brick, even if you’re not sure they see it yet.

They will.

This Is Holy Work

This work—this quiet, invisible, relentless work—is sacred.
You are planting seeds of truth, safety, and love in soil that’s been scorched by manipulation.

One day, your child will look back and say:
“Thank you for protecting me.”
And on that day, you’ll see what all this pain was for.

You’ll realize that the bruises you carried—those invisible wounds no one else could see—they were never for nothing.

They were for freedom.
For healing.
For your child’s future.

You Are Enough

If you are feeling broken today, if you are exhausted from carrying it all, I want you to know something:

You are doing holy work. Invisible, sacred, life-changing work.

One day your child will walk away from dysfunction with clarity. One day they will know who saw them, who loved them, who stayed. And that will be the day your bruises finally begin to heal.

Your Love Is Not Invisible

If this message spoke to you, please don’t keep it to yourself. Share it with someone who’s struggling in the silence. Let them know they’re not alone.

And if you’re co-parenting with a covert narcissist and don’t know where to start, I can help.
💬 Visit covertnarcissism.com and explore my Individual Healing Program—designed specifically for survivors like you who are parenting in the middle of chaos.
Or email me at renee@covertnarcissism.com.

You deserve support. You deserve peace. You deserve to heal.

Parenting the Parent: How Covert Narcissists Steal Childhoods and How to Heal

Understanding the Dynamic

Were you forced to grow up too soon? Did you feel responsible for managing your parent’s emotions, household duties, or even their well-being? If so, you may have experienced parentification, a term that describes when a child takes on the role of a parent—either emotionally or physically—due to their caregiver’s unmet responsibilities.

For adult children of covert narcissists, this experience is all too common. Instead of being nurtured, they were expected to provide emotional support, household management, and even emotional regulation for their narcissistic parent. Many survivors express feelings like:

🔹 “I had to grow up too fast.”
🔹 “I carried responsibilities that were beyond my years.”
🔹 “My childhood was stolen from me.”

But what exactly is parentification, and how does it impact those who experience it?

What is Parentification?

Parentification occurs when a child is burdened with responsibilities that exceed their developmental capacity. This happens when a caregiver is emotionally or physically absent, neglectful, or incapable of fulfilling their parental role. It manifests in two key ways:

• Instrumental Parentification: The child takes on practical caregiving tasks such as cooking, cleaning, or managing household responsibilities.

• Emotional Parentification: The child becomes their parent’s confidant, therapist, or emotional support system.

While it’s normal for kids to help with household chores, it’s not normal for them to be responsible for managing their parent’s life, taking care of their siblings full-time, or being the emotional crutch for a struggling adult.

Real-Life Examples of Parentification

Many adult children of covert narcissists can relate to these experiences:

Becoming the Emotional Support System

"I remember sitting with my mom while she cried about her life, her job, her marriage. She told me things no child should hear—how unhappy she was, how she regretted her choices. I didn’t understand, but I felt responsible for making her feel better."

Instead of enjoying childhood, they were burdened with adult emotions and responsibilities.

Managing the Household

• Cooking dinner every night

• Ensuring siblings completed their homework

• Cleaning the house

• Taking care of a parent who was passed out from alcohol or exhaustion

• Putting siblings to bed and assuring them that everything would be okay

Years later, many survivors realize: "I practically raised my siblings. I wish I had just been their brother or sister, not their parent."

Keeping the Peace in the Home

• Acting as the negotiator between parents

• Protecting one parent from the other

• Becoming a people-pleaser to avoid conflict

Making Our Parents Look Good

• Getting good grades to make the parent feel accomplished

• Excelling in sports to win approval

• Behaving perfectly in public to avoid embarrassment

Without realizing it, many children of narcissists become an extension of their parent’s ego, rather than being valued for who they truly are.

The Impact of a Covert Narcissistic Parent

A Stolen Childhood

Many survivors describe the loss of a childhood filled with joy and exploration. Instead of playing and making mistakes like normal kids, they were expected to act like mini-adults.

One survivor shared:
"I didn’t have a childhood. I was too busy trying to be perfect to win my dad’s approval."

Even years later, some find themselves reclaiming childhood joys they never got to experience.

Emotional Scar Tissue

Even after healing, many survivors describe an emotional residue—reminders of the trauma that shaped them:

• Words that linger: “You’re too sensitive.” “You’re worthless.”

• Triggers from childhood wounds: Feeling uncomfortable even in moments of peace, because they were conditioned to expect chaos.

• Hyper-awareness of their own flaws: A voice in their head constantly telling them they’re not good enough.

One survivor recalled how, years later, he struggled with self-worth because his father used to berate him for something as simple as the sound of his footsteps.

Difficulty Trusting Self and Others

• Low self-esteem

• Chronic self-blame

• Constantly second-guessing their own judgment

• Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions

• Fear of being manipulated again

After years of gaslighting and emotional neglect, many survivors develop a deep fear of trust and connection.

Parenting Struggles

Those who become parents themselves often battle:

• Fear of repeating the same patterns they grew up with

• Overcompensating by being too permissive

• Struggling to set healthy boundaries

• Unintentionally allowing toxic family members to impact their parenting decisions

Many survivors of covert narcissistic abuse cut ties with toxic parents to protect their own children from experiencing the same cycle.

One parent shared: “If I had not left this marriage, my relationship with my kids would have ended.”

Healing from Parentification and Covert Narcissistic Abuse

Breaking free from the trauma of a covert narcissistic parent is not easy, but it is possible. Here are some steps to begin healing:

1️⃣ Recognize That It Wasn’t Your Fault

You were forced into a role you never should have been in. A child is not responsible for managing a parent’s emotions or responsibilities.

2️⃣ Grieve the Childhood You Lost

It’s okay to mourn what should have been. Give yourself the space to acknowledge the pain and release the guilt that was never yours to carry.

3️⃣ Set Boundaries with Toxic Family Members

You are not obligated to continue parenting your parent as an adult. Limiting or cutting contact with toxic parents can be necessary for your mental health.

4️⃣ Reparent Yourself

Give yourself the love, compassion, and care you didn’t receive as a child. This can look like:

• Speaking to yourself with kindness

• Allowing yourself to play and explore hobbies

• Surrounding yourself with people who validate and respect you

5️⃣ Seek Support

Healing is a journey, and you don’t have to do it alone. Consider:

• Therapy or coaching to work through childhood trauma

• Support groups for survivors of narcissistic abuse

• Educating yourself about narcissistic behavior to break free from toxic patterns

You Deserve to Heal

It is painful to look back and see how much was stolen from you, but you are not alone in this journey. Healing takes time, and the fact that you’re reading this means you’re already taking steps toward reclaiming your life.

Take those lessons you’ve learned and turn them into wisdom, strength, and a new beginning. Your childhood may have been stolen, but your future belongs to you.

Your story matters, and you deserve to be heard without judgment.

Unmasking Narcissism

Imagine a tornado ripping through a peaceful countryside. The tornado itself remains intact, untouched by its own ferocity. Yet everything in its path—homes, trees, lives—is left in ruins. The closer something is to the tornado’s core, the greater the destruction it endures. The storm doesn’t care about the devastation it leaves behind; it simply moves forward, consuming and discarding as it pleases.

This is the essence of a narcissist’s impact on those around them. Like a tornado, a narcissist rarely sees or acknowledges the harm they cause. Their words, actions, and manipulation wreak havoc on the lives closest to them. The deeper the relationship, the more vulnerable you are to the emotional, psychological, or even physical destruction they leave in their wake. Yet, like the tornado, the narcissist moves on, seemingly unscathed.

Understanding this dynamic is essential in recognizing the patterns of narcissistic behavior and protecting yourself from its impact. Today, we’ll explore the different types of narcissism and clear up the prevailing confusion about covert narcissism.

Categories of Narcissism

Grandiose Narcissism

Traits: Inflated self-image, entitlement, arrogance, and a need for admiration

Core Motivation: Desire for superiority and power

Vulnerable Narcissism

Traits: Fragile self-esteem, hypersensitivity to criticism, introverted, and full of self-pity

Core Motivation: Desire for validation, sympathy and attention

Malignant Narcissism

Traits: Combines traits of narcissism with antisocial behavior, sadism, and paranoia

Core Motivation: Desire for control and domination over others

Communal Narcissism

Traits: A focus on being seen as altruistic, caring, and socially responsible

Core Motivation: Desire to be admired for being a "good person"

Somatic Narcissism

Traits: Focus on physical appearance, fitness, or sexual prowess

Core Motivation: Desire to be admired for physical attractiveness

Cerebral Narcissism

Traits: Belief in intellectual superiority and disdain for "less intelligent" people

Core Motivation: Desire to be admired for mental capabilities

You will notice that I did not mention covert narcissism. Covert narcissism is not its own category. Covert narcissistic traits can be a part of any of these categories of narcissism. It is a description of how these categories of narcissism show up. Let me explain in more detail.

Grandiose Narcissism

Traits: Inflated self-image, entitlement, arrogance, and a need for admiration

Identifying Signs: Seeking attention, exaggerating achievements, and dominating conversations

Core Motivation: Validation of superiority and power

Overt Behaviors of a Grandiose Narcissist

1. Bragging About Accomplishments:

• “I closed the biggest deal in the company’s history. This is the best deal this company has ever had. There has never been a bigger deal. No one else could’ve pulled it off like I did.”

• They openly boast about achievements to seek admiration.

2. Dominating Conversations:

• Interrupting others with, “Hold on, let me tell you how I handled this situation. It was perfect,” steering all attention back to themselves and their greatness.

3. Demanding Special Treatment:

• Skipping lines at an event because they “know someone important” or claiming, “People like me don’t wait in line.”

4. Dismissing Others’ Feelings:

• Responding to someone’s struggles with, “Why are you upset? Look at everything I’ve done for you. You should be the happiest with me.”

5. Outbursts When Criticized:

• Yelling or belittling someone who points out a mistake, “You clearly don’t understand how much I contribute.”

Covert Behaviors of a Grandiose Narcissist

1. Passive-Aggressive Manipulation:

• Saying, “It must be nice to have all the free time you do. I’m always working so hard,” laying guilt and blame on you and pushing you to express your gratitude.

2. Feigning Humility to Fish for Compliments:

• “I don’t think I’m that great of a speaker,” when clearly they do think they are. They are fishing for responses such as, “Are you kidding? You’re incredible!”

3. Subtle Undermining of Others:

• “Your presentation was good, but next time you might want to try a more professional tone like I do.”

4. Exhibiting Jealousy:

• “You sure do get a lot of attention. No one ever appreciates all the hard work I put in,” to elicit praise and admiration and get all the attention back on them.

5. Backhanded Compliments:

• “It’s impressive you achieved that, especially with your background,” to solidify their superiority over you.

While overt behaviors of a grandiose narcissist are bold, loud, and attention-seeking, covert behaviors are more subtle but equally manipulative. Both styles aim to maintain their sense of superiority and gain admiration, either through blatant self-promotion or by quietly eliciting sympathy and validation.

2. Vulnerable Narcissism (a.k.a. Covert Narcissism)

Traits: Fragile self-esteem, no one ever appreciates them enough, hypersensitive to criticism, and full of self-pity

Identifying Signs: Passive-aggressive tendencies, withdrawal from challenges, and harboring resentment and anger

Core Motivation: Desire for validation, sympathy and attention, to the point of being coddled. Driven by an avoidance of shame and fear of rejection and abandonment

Overt Behaviors of a Vulnerable Narcissist

1. Openly Complaining About Being Misunderstood:

• “No one ever sees how hard I work. Everyone is always against me no matter what I do.”

• “I can’t believe I’m being treated like this. No one has it as hard as I do.”

2. Expressing Extreme Sensitivity and Defensiveness:

• “Why are you attacking me? I can’t believe you’d say that when I’m trying my best.”

• “It’s not my fault that I don’t know what you want from me.”

3. Demonstrating Obvious Self-Pity:

• “I always give so much, but no one ever does anything for me.”

4. Overtly Seeking Reassurance:

• Constantly asking, “Do you think I’m doing a good job? I feel like I’m just not good enough,” to elicit compliments and attention.

5. Lashing Out When Overwhelmed:

• Snapping at you, “You don’t even care about how much I’m struggling. You only think about yourself.”

Covert Behaviors of a Vulnerable Narcissist

1. Sulking to Gain Sympathy and Attention:

• Huffing, sighing to gain your sympathy and care or to guilt 

2. Quietly Holding Grudges or Resentments:

• Remaining silent but acting cold or distant toward you to “teach you a lesson.”

3. Subtle Guilt-Tripping:

• “I guess I’m just not as important to you as your other friend, but I hope you have a good time. I’ll just sit at home tonight and do nothing.”

4. Undermining your Successes:

• “Oh, I’m happy for you, but honestly, I don’t think I could ever take that much credit for something so simple,” to knock you down a few notches

5. Seeking Validation Through Self-Deprecation:

• “I know I’m not as talented as you are, but at least I try,” designed to elicit reassurances like, “What? You’re amazing!”

• “Clearly I’m just a horrible person.” Now you feel bad for saying anything at all and work to convince them otherwise.

Key Takeaway

While overt behaviors of a vulnerable narcissist tend to focus on obvious expressions of insecurity and sensitivity, covert behaviors are subtler and designed to elicit sympathy, attention, or validation without openly asking for it. Both styles are rooted in their fragile self-esteem and desire to feel valued or admired.

3. Malignant Narcissism

Traits: Combines traits of narcissism with antisocial behavior, sadism, and paranoia

Identifying Signs: Exploitation, manipulation, and a lack of empathy or remorse

Core Motivation: Desire for control and domination over others

Overt Behaviors of a Malignant Narcissist

1. Blatant Intimidation and Threats:

• “If you don’t do what I say, you’ll regret it. I can make your life a living hell.”

• They openly use fear to control others.

2. Publicly Humiliating Others:

• Criticizing or mocking a coworker in front of others, saying, “Why don’t you try doing something right for once?”

• They derive satisfaction from degrading others.

3. Exploitation Without Remorse:

• Forcing someone to work overtime and then taking credit for their results, bragging, “I run this place like a machine.”

• They overtly use others as tools to elevate themselves.

4. Aggressive Displays of Power:

• Boasting about connections or resources they could use to ruin someone’s reputation: “I know people who could make sure you never work in this town again.”

5. Outright Denial of Harmful Actions:

• After being caught in a lie or harmful act, responding with, “Prove it. You’re just trying to make me look bad.”

Covert Behaviors of a Malignant Narcissist

1. Undermining Others Privately:

• Spreading subtle but damaging rumors about a colleague to erode their credibility, such as, “I’ve heard they’re really unreliable. You might want to double-check their work.”

• They sabotage others without being obvious.

2. Feigning Concern to Manipulate:

• Pretending to be worried about someone\u2019s well-being while gathering personal information to use against them later: “Are you okay? You seemed really off during that meeting.”

• They mask malice with false empathy.

3. Gaslighting to Control Perception:

• “You’re imagining things. I never said that,” or, “You’re overreacting. You’re too sensitive.”

• They subtly distort reality to make others doubt their own experiences.

4. Weaponizing Vulnerabilities:

• Gaining someone’s trust by acting supportive, only to use their shared secrets against them later: “Remember what you told me about your financial issues? You really can’t afford to lose this job.”

• They exploit others’ trust to maintain control.

5. Playing the Victim to Avoid Accountability:

• “I’m always the bad guy, no matter what I do. Everyone’s out to get me,” after being called out for hurtful behavior.

• They deflect criticism by eliciting sympathy.

Key Takeaway

• Overt behaviors of a malignant narcissist are aggressive, domineering, and unapologetically harmful, designed to assert power and control in obvious ways.

• Covert behaviors are more insidious, involving subtle manipulation, gaslighting, and exploitation that allow them to harm others while maintaining a facade of innocence or concern.

Both styles reflect their lack of empathy and their drive to dominate and manipulate for personal gain, often leaving significant emotional and psychological damage in their wake.

4. Communal Narcissism

Traits: A focus on being seen as altruistic, caring, and socially responsible

Identifying Signs: Highlighting their contributions, moral grandstanding, and expecting recognition for their "generosity"

Core Motivation: Desire of admiration for being a "good person"

Overt Behaviors of a Communal Narcissist

1. Boasting About Good Deeds:

• “I organized that charity event all by myself. It wouldn’t have been a success without me.”

• They openly draw attention to their contributions to gain recognition.

2. Seeking Public Praise for Altruism:

• Posting on social media about a donation with captions like, “Making the world a better place, one step at a time! #BlessedToGive.”

• They thrive on public admiration for their supposed selflessness.

3. Comparing Themselves to Others to Feel Superior:

• “I don’t understand how people can be so selfish. I spend all my time helping others.”

• They emphasize their altruism by belittling others’ perceived lack of generosity.

4. Taking Credit for Group Efforts:

• “That project wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t stepped in to organize everything.”

• They dominate collaborative work to ensure they’re seen as the hero.

5. Using Charity to Gain Power or Influence:

• “Since I donated the most money, I think I should have the final say in how the funds are used.”

• Their “generosity” is often a means to exert control.

Covert Behaviors of a Communal Narcissist

1. Subtly Expecting Gratitude or Recognition:

• “I went out of my way to help you, but I guess some people don’t appreciate kindness these days.”

• They indirectly guilt others into acknowledging their efforts.

2. Downplaying Their True Motives:

• “Oh, it was nothing, really. I just enjoy helping others,” while secretly hoping for admiration.

• They use humility as a strategy to elicit praise.

3. Weaponizing Generosity:

• “After everything I’ve done for you, I can’t believe you’re treating me this way.”

• They remind others of their good deeds to manipulate or control them.

4. Undermining Others While Feigning Morality:

• “I just want to help them improve, but honestly, they don’t care about people as much as I do.”

• They subtly criticize others under the guise of being helpful or concerned.

5. Overstepping Boundaries in the Name of Helping:

• Taking over someone’s personal responsibilities and saying, “I only did it because I care so much about you,” while ignoring their wishes.

• They impose their assistance to appear indispensable and gain control.

Key Takeaway

• Overt behaviors of a communal narcissist involve obvious self-promotion of their altruism and moral superiority to gain admiration and influence.

• Covert behaviors are subtler and include guilt-tripping, manipulation, and feigned humility to elicit validation while maintaining a selfless facade.

Both styles reflect their underlying need for recognition and validation, often making their relationships feel transactional and emotionally draining.

5. Somatic Narcissism

Traits: Focus on physical appearance, fitness, or sexual prowess

Identifying Signs: Excessive preoccupation with body image and constant need for compliments about appearance

Core Motivation: Desire of affirmation for physical attractiveness as a source of worth

Overt Behaviors of a Somatic Narcissist

1. Constantly Flaunting Their Appearance:

• Regularly posting selfies with captions like, “Woke up like this #NaturalBeauty” or “Gym gains paying off!”

• They openly seek admiration for their physical attributes.

2. Bragging About Sexual Conquests:

• Telling friends, “I can get anyone I want. People just can’t resist me.”

• They boast about their desirability and sexual success to reinforce their self-image.

3. Criticizing Others’ Appearances:

• “She would look so much better if she just took care of herself like I do.”

• They diminish others to elevate their own sense of physical superiority.

4. Obsessing Over Fashion and Trends:

• “I only wear designer brands because I know how to present myself,” or emphasizing the cost of their wardrobe.

• They use material symbols of beauty to seek admiration.

5. Seeking Validation Through Public Performance:

• Making a spectacle at the gym or a dance floor to attract attention, saying afterward, “Did you see how everyone was watching me?”

• They crave overt acknowledgment of their physical prowess.

Covert Behaviors of a Somatic Narcissist

1. Fishing for Compliments:

• Saying, “I feel so out of shape lately,” while clearly expecting someone to reassure them, “What? You look amazing!”

• They subtly elicit praise for their appearance without directly asking.

2. Passive-Aggressively Highlighting Their Attractiveness:

• “I don’t know why people always stare at me when I walk into a room—it’s so awkward.”

• They indirectly point out their desirability to others.

3. Using Health or Fitness to Gain Sympathy or Attention:

• “I’ve been working so hard on my diet and fitness, but no one seems to notice,” while hoping for validation.

• They draw attention to their efforts without being overtly boastful.

4. Belittling Others Subtly:

• “Oh, you look great! I’d never be brave enough to wear something like that.”

• They frame their remarks as compliments but imply superiority.

5. Sexual Manipulation:

• Quietly leveraging their sexual desirability to gain favors or maintain control, such as flirting to get what they want or make others jealous.

• They use sexuality as a subtle tool for power and validation.

Key Takeaway

• Overt behaviors of a somatic narcissist are bold and direct, focusing on flaunting their appearance, health, or sexuality to gain admiration.

• Covert behaviors are subtler, using passive-aggression, fishing for compliments, or subtle manipulations to achieve the same goal without appearing overly self-centered.

Both styles revolve around their physicality and leave those around them feeling compared, objectified, or undervalued.

6. Cerebral Narcissism

Traits: Belief in intellectual superiority and disdain for "less intelligent" people

Identifying Signs: Overly analytical, condescending, and prone to intellectual debates to showcase intelligence

Core Motivation: Desire of validation for mental capabilities

Overt Behaviors of a Cerebral Narcissist

1. Boasting About Their Intelligence:

• “I have a higher IQ than most people I know, so I usually end up being the smartest person in the room.”

• They openly highlight their intellectual superiority.

2. Talking Down to Others:

• “I can explain it to you in simpler terms since this is probably over your head.”

• They demean others to assert their intellectual dominance.

3. Dominating Conversations with Theories or Facts:

• Hijacking a casual discussion to give an in-depth, unasked-for lecture: “Actually, if you look at the data, what you’re saying doesn’t make any sense.”

• They insist on showing off their knowledge.

4. Discrediting Others’ Opinions:

• “Your argument is so flawed, I don’t even know where to begin correcting you.”

• They invalidate others to appear infallible.

5. Claiming to Be an Authority on Many Topics:

• “I’ve read every book on the subject, so I know more about this than anyone here.”

• They present themselves as the ultimate expert, regardless of the topic.

Covert Behaviors of a Cerebral Narcissist

1. Subtly Undermining Others’ Ideas:

• “That’s an interesting perspective, but have you considered how oversimplified it is?”

• They frame their criticism as intellectual guidance while quietly dismissing others.

2. Feigning Humility to Elicit Praise:

• “I don’t know why people keep asking for my advice—I’m not that brilliant,” while expecting responses like, “Are you kidding? You’re a genius!”

• They use self-deprecation to provoke admiration.

3. Gaslighting Through Intellectual Manipulation:

• “If you really understood this topic, you wouldn’t be confused right now,” implying the other person is less intelligent for questioning them.

• They use complex language or ideas to make others feel inferior.

4. Withholding Information to Maintain Power:

• Keeping key details to themselves in a group project and later revealing them to demonstrate their superior knowledge: “Oh, I thought everyone knew that—guess it’s up to me to fix it.”

• They maintain control by ensuring others depend on their expertise.

5. Passive-Aggressively Highlighting Their Achievements:

• “It’s funny how people with advanced degrees like mine are often misunderstood.”

• They subtly draw attention to their credentials without appearing overtly boastful.

Key Takeaway

• Overt behaviors of a cerebral narcissist are direct, focusing on flaunting their intellect, belittling others, and dominating intellectual spaces to gain admiration.

• Covert behaviors involve subtle manipulations, passive-aggressive remarks, and intellectual gaslighting to quietly establish their superiority while appearing unassuming.

Both styles reflect their fixation on being seen as the smartest or most knowledgeable person, often leaving those around them feeling dismissed, devalued, or intellectually inadequate.

Conclusion

Narcissism exists on a spectrum and can manifest differently in individuals. Traits from multiple types of narcissism may be present in the same individual. Root causes often involve a mix of genetics, childhood experiences, and environmental influences. Each type of narcissism can present with overt traits, covert traits, or a combination of both.

As always, this information is for educational purposes only. I am not in the business of diagnosing anyone. This information should not be used to diagnose. That requires trained professionals in the field. 

Understanding the different types and manifestations of narcissism can aid in developing effective coping strategies, workarounds, or even interventions. I offer both individual and small group coaching for help in devising these strategies and workarounds for your specific situation. 

www.covertnarcissism.com

Victim Blaming: The Silent Weapon Against Survivors of Covert Narcissism

Imagine mustering the courage to share your deepest pain, the struggles you face daily in your marriage, and the emotional despair that has consumed you. Instead of finding empathy, you’re met with questions and statements like:

• "Why don’t you just leave?"

• "Maybe you’re the problem."

• "You shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place."

These aren’t just hurtful—they’re devastating. Victim blaming silences survivors, reinforces the abuser’s control, and deepens the emotional wounds of covert narcissistic abuse. Instead of empathy and understanding, you hear accusations, judgments, and dismissive comments. This is the last thing you need and can push you even further into loneliness, hopelessness and despair.

No one understands! No one gets it! No one cares!

What is Victim Blaming?

Victim blaming occurs when others hold the victim responsible for the abuse they are receiving or minimize their experiences. This harmful mindset often stems from a lack of understanding about the dynamics of covert narcissistic abuse.

Victim blaming shows up in many forms:

• Dismissive statements: "It’s not that bad."

• Judgmental accusations: "Why didn’t you just communicate better?"

• Insults: "You’re just being dramatic."

• Invalidation: "You’re overreacting."

These comments don’t just sting—they perpetuate the psychological damage victims already endure.

How Victim Blaming Hurts Survivors

1. It Silences Victims

When survivors face judgment instead of support, they often retreat into silence, fearing further pain. Already feeling lonely, they are now convinced that they are on this journey completely alone. This isolation makes it even harder to seek help and begin healing.

2. It Deepens Self-Doubt

Covert narcissism thrives on gaslighting and manipulation. Victims already struggle with questions like:

• "Am I overreacting?"

• "Is this really abuse?"

Hearing phrases like "This is your fault" amplifies their inner conflict and erodes their confidence.

3. It Invalidates the Experience

Statements like "Why didn’t you leave?" or "Just get over it" dismiss the complexity of abusive relationships. Survivors feel invisible and misunderstood. This situation is already impossible to put to words. Unreceptive ears only magnifies this maddening situation.

4. It Reinforces the Abuser’s Control

Victim blaming echoes the abuser’s narrative: "You’re the problem." This reinforces the power imbalance, making it even harder for the victim to break free.

Why Do People Victim Blame?

1. Discomfort with Complexity
   Covert narcissistic abuse is nuanced and difficult to understand. Simplifying it by blaming the victim feels easier than confronting the painful reality of manipulation.

2. Projection of Personal Beliefs
   Comments like "You’re just a drama queen" or "This is why men shouldn’t get married" often reflect the speaker’s own biases or frustrations, not the survivor’s reality.

3. Desire for Control
   Blaming the victim provides a false sense of security: "If I avoid their mistakes, this won’t happen to me."

How to Respond to Victim Blaming

1. Recognize It’s About Them, Not You

Victim-blaming comments reveal the commenter’s ignorance or discomfort—not your truth.

2. Seek Safe Spaces

Share your story with trusted friends, support groups, or a therapist who listens without judgment.

3. Educate Where You Can

If you feel safe, use these moments to spread awareness. For example:

• "Covert narcissism is designed to trap you emotionally, making leaving seem impossible."

• "It’s not about a lack of communication; it’s about a lack of respect and empathy from the abuser."

4. Focus on Your Healing

Redirect your energy from defending yourself to nurturing your well-being. You are not defined by others’ misunderstandings.

A Message to Survivors

If you’ve faced victim blaming, hear this: It’s not your fault. The responsibility for abuse lies solely with the abuser, not you.

You are not weak for staying. You are brave for surviving. You deserve compassion, understanding, and support as you heal.

Encouraging Empathy: A Message to Listeners

If you’ve ever judged a survivor or questioned their choices, consider this:

• Do you fully understand their situation?

• Are you offering support or adding to their pain?

• How would you want someone to respond if you were in their shoes?

Empathy can make a world of difference. Listening without judgment and validating someone’s feelings can be the first step toward helping them heal.

Let’s Shift the Narrative

Victim blaming adds to the wounds of those already suffering. Together, we can change that. Let’s create a world where survivors feel seen, heard, and supported.

If this blog resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. Your story matters, and you deserve to be heard without judgment.

Ready to take the next step in your healing journey? Check out my coaching services. And don’t forget to subscribe for more empowering content.

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing!

Why I Chose to Stay: Navigating a Relationship with a Covert Narcissist

A Marriage in Conflict

I was 15 years into my marriage. Our kids were 13 and 11. The environment in our home was unpredictable, swinging between hot and cold.

Good Times

- When he was at work or traveling.

- When he was gaming upstairs or asleep.

Bad Times

- When he was around.

- When he tried to participate in family activities.

- When things didn’t go as he expected—a random, exhausting guessing game of his desires.

Sprinkled in were occasional good times with him—an evening that stayed positive or an activity that actually went well. But mostly, our days existed in this strange, "okay" place. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t fulfilling.

In this "okay" place, you don’t feel connected, valued, or cared for. You simply co-exist until things spiral into chaos. Even during the calm moments, hypervigilance takes over. You’re constantly anticipating conflict, working around them, and avoiding potential triggers. I talked about this recently in my episode, *Emotional Abuse Consumption – The 100% Impact of 10% Abuse.*

Why Didn’t I Just Leave?

I shared my struggles with a friend. Her response was, “Why don’t you just leave?” It was a well-meaning question, but it wasn’t what I needed. I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to understand, fix, and make things better.

I cringe every time someone asks a victim of covert narcissism, “Why are you still there?” or “Why haven’t you left?” While this question may fit in certain conversations, it can also come across as judgmental and dismissive, leaving the victim feeling worse.

Harmful Messages Behind “Why Don’t You Leave?”

• You’re not strong enough to stand up for yourself.

• You don’t love yourself enough.

• You chose this, so it’s on you.

• If you’re staying, I can’t help you.

These attitudes hurt someone already living in a painful situation. Making them feel worse isn’t the answer.

Reasons Why People Stay

If you’re choosing to stay, you’re not alone. Everyone’s journey is unique, and there are many valid reasons for staying. Let’s explore some of them:

Investment

You’ve built a life together, committing emotionally, mentally, and physically. Walking away from everything you’ve invested in feels overwhelming.

Family Stability

Keeping the family unit intact, especially for the kids, might feel like the better option. You value the ripple effects your decisions have on parents, grandparents, and extended family.

Commitment to Personal Values

You’re committed to understanding, forgiving, and trying to make things work. You value loyalty and don’t want to give up easily.

Financial Concerns

Separating can bring financial strain, and the thought of taking on those challenges alone may feel impossible.

Hope for Change

You hold onto glimpses of improvement, believing that things could get better.

Cultural or Religious Beliefs

Personal values, religious teachings, or cultural expectations may encourage staying.

Fear of the Unknown

Staying can feel safer than stepping into the unknown, especially if you’re unsure what life apart might look like.

Whatever your reasons, they’re valid. No one else can make this decision for you.

Living with a Covert Narcissist

For those who stay, navigating a relationship with a covert narcissist requires tools and strategies to protect your mental and emotional health. While you can’t change their behavior, you can take steps to safeguard your peace.

Tools to Navigate the Relationship

Don’t Try to Change Them

Their behavior is their choice, not yours. Redirect your energy toward yourself rather than trying to manage or fix them.

Set Clear Boundaries

Define what you will and won’t tolerate. For example, "I will not engage in conversations when my fight/flight response is triggered." Boundaries won’t change them but will protect you.

Practice Emotional Detachment

Covert narcissists thrive on emotional reactions. Detaching doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings; it means not letting them control your emotions.

Choose Your Battles

Not every disagreement needs to be addressed. Pick battles carefully to preserve your energy and sanity.

Find Support

Seek out trusted friends, family, therapists, or support groups. Choose people who respect your decision to stay and offer nonjudgmental support.

Focus on Self-Care

Prioritize your well-being by carving out personal time, nurturing your mental health, staying physically active, and practicing mindfulness. Journaling, walking, or even punching a workout bag can help release overwhelming emotions.

Reframing Your Choice

Choosing to stay doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re navigating life in a way that feels right for you at this moment. This choice isn’t set in stone; you can revisit it as your circumstances evolve.

Instead of focusing on others’ judgments, ask yourself, *What do I need to feel stable and grounded right now?* If staying provides that stability, honor your decision. You are the expert of your life, and your reasons are valid.

Closing Thoughts

To everyone choosing to stay in a relationship with a covert narcissist, know this: you are not alone. Your choice does not define your worth or strength. Life is a journey, and you’re navigating it with courage every day.

Take care of yourself, protect your peace, and remember that you have the power to revisit this decision when you’re ready. If this message resonates with you, share it with someone who might need it. For tools, resources, or support, visit www.covertnarcissism.com.

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

Intimacy Issues with a Covert Narcissist

A Question That Haunts Many

Today, I want to explore a question that lingers in the hearts of so many: *Why can’t I feel intimate with my partner?* If you’ve found yourself asking this, let me assure you, you’re not alone. Intimacy, that deep connection we all crave, can feel impossible when you’re caught in the web of emotional abuse.

The Silent Erosion of Intimacy

Let me share a story to illustrate this. Picture a woman who, one quiet evening, tries to tell her partner about a tough day at work. She’s vulnerable, her guard down, hoping for empathy. Instead, she’s met with a sigh and the dismissive comment, “Why do you always have to complain about everything?”

The moment she hoped would bring them closer becomes a weapon that hurts her. Over time, she learns to keep her thoughts to herself, building walls around her heart brick by brick. And just like that, intimacy begins to erode.

Or imagine a man sitting alone at the kitchen table late at night, replaying the events of the day. His partner’s sharp words, subtle put-downs, and dismissive attitude weigh heavily on him. Earlier, he suggested they spend time together—watch a movie, perhaps. Her response? “Why would I waste my evening that way?”

He didn’t argue; he never does anymore. He cleaned the kitchen, folded laundry, and avoided another cutting remark. Now, sitting alone, he wonders: *Why can’t I feel close to her? Why do I feel so alone, even when she’s right here?*

Does this sound familiar? Emotional abuse doesn’t always look like shouting or slamming doors. Sometimes, it’s the quiet erosion of intimacy through criticism, dismissal, and emotional distance.

How Emotional Abuse Chips Away at Intimacy

Emotional abuse creates an environment where intimacy cannot thrive. Here’s why:

Trust Is Undermined: When your words are twisted and thrown back at you, trust erodes. Covert narcissists use subtle invalidation and inconsistency, leaving you hesitant to share your feelings.

Emotional Availability Is Absent: Covert narcissists often lack genuine emotional depth. Their surface-level engagement leaves you feeling unseen and unheard.

Unpredictability Creates Emotional Exhaustion: One day they’re warm and attentive; the next, they’re cold and critical. This unpredictability keeps you from building a stable connection.

Your Vulnerability Is Betrayed: Confiding in a partner, only to have your words used against you later, stifles openness and intimacy.

Emotional Energy Is Depleted: Managing their moods and avoiding conflict consumes your energy, leaving little for nurturing connection.

Intimacy Becomes a Transaction: Love and attention feel like rewards you must earn, undermining mutual respect and equality.

Even physical closeness may feel hollow, as the emotional intimacy that binds physical connection is often missing.

Signs Intimacy Is Eroding

How do you know if intimacy is eroding in your relationship? Here are some signs:

Emotional Signs

• Conversations stay surface-level; vulnerability is gone.

• Communication becomes strained, with frequent misunderstandings.

• You feel unseen, unheard, or invalidated by your partner.

• Resentment and irritation overshadow affection.

Physical Signs

• Hugs, kisses, and other gestures become less frequent.

• Physical intimacy feels mechanical, lacking emotional connection.

• Avoidance of physical contact altogether.

Behavioral Signs

• One partner withdraws emotionally or isolates themselves.

• Efforts to spend quality time diminish.

• Conflicts remain unresolved, creating lingering tension.

Mental and Emotional Indicators

• You feel lonely even when your partner is present.

• You question whether your partner still cares.

• Emotional exhaustion makes connection feel impossible.

The Blame Game

Have you ever thought, *If only I were more patient, loving, or understanding, things would be different?* You’re not alone. But intimacy is not a solo effort; it’s a two-way street. If your partner isn’t meeting you with vulnerability, effort, and emotional availability, the erosion of intimacy is inevitable—and it’s not your fault.

Breaking Free from the Cycle

So, what can you do if intimacy has eroded in your relationship? Here are some steps to consider:

1. Acknowledge the Reality: Recognize the role emotional abuse plays in eroding intimacy. Naming it is the first step toward clarity.

2. Set Boundaries: Protect your emotional and physical well-being. For example, say, *I won’t engage in this conversation if you’re yelling.*

3. Seek Support: Find trusted friends, support groups, or therapists to help you navigate your experiences.

4. Prioritize Self-Care: Refill your emotional tank with activities that bring you peace and joy, like journaling, walking, or spending time with supportive people.

5. Consider the Relationship’s Future: Reflect on whether the relationship can meet your needs for intimacy, trust, and emotional safety.

Closing Thoughts

Intimacy is one of the most beautiful parts of human connection. It allows us to be seen, loved, and understood for who we truly are. If you’re struggling to feel intimate with your partner, know this: you are not broken, and you are not alone. You deserve a relationship where intimacy flows freely, built on trust, safety, and mutual respect.

Thank you for sharing this time with me today. If this resonated with you, please pass it along to someone who needs it. And if you’re ready to take the next step in your healing journey, visit covertnarcissism.com to learn more about my coaching services. You are not alone on this path, and I’m here to walk it with you.

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

A Christmas Message of Hope and Peace

Reflections on Past Holidays

As I sit in my quiet home, gazing at the Christmas tree and the stockings hanging neatly, memories of past holidays come rushing back. Those days were filled with tension, anxiety, and stress. The holidays were supposed to bring joy, but for me, they often felt like an uphill battle—trying to create peace in a home where peace wasn’t welcomed.

I remember making plans, hoping for moments of connection:

- Playing Monopoly, our family’s favorite game.

- Taking the dogs to the park.

- Driving around to see Christmas lights.

- Watching movies or football together.

- Wrapping gifts and preparing meals as a family.

When Plans Turn Sour

But the reality? Those plans often turned into something else entirely. Monopoly became a stage for dominance, with my husband threatening to quit if decisions didn’t align with his “business skills.” Trips to the dog park ended in frustration as he yelled at the dogs and at us. Even the simple joy of looking at Christmas lights became stressful, marred by his road rage. Activities meant to bring us closer only pushed us further apart.

Finding Ways to Avoid Conflict

Over time, I adjusted to avoid conflict. I started playing Monopoly with the kids when he wasn’t around. I took the dogs to the park alone. I made excuses for why the kids couldn’t join us for certain outings. I wrapped all the gifts myself, cooked the meals, and quietly ensured everything went as smoothly as possible.

On Christmas mornings, I prayed for calm. Any small misstep—a missing battery, a duplicate gift—could ignite tension. I worked tirelessly to anticipate every need, to fix every problem before it even started. My cheerfulness was a shield, my bubbly energy a barrier to keep anger at bay. But beneath it all, I was exhausted and deeply unhappy.

Six Years of Transformation

This January marks six years since my divorce was finalized. My boys are older now, and Christmastime looks entirely different for us. Our home has transformed into a sanctuary—a place where feelings matter, laughter echoes, and everyone can simply be themselves.

Now, we take turns preparing meals and play games, including Monopoly, without fear of judgment. We watch shows and football together, take trips, and have giant wrapping parties, tossing tape and scissors down the hall with playful banter. We’ve created a home that feels safe, welcoming, and filled with love.

Reclaiming My Space

This transformation didn’t happen overnight. It was a journey of reclaiming my space and, in doing so, reclaiming myself. After the divorce, I debated whether to stay in the house or leave. Ultimately, I decided to stay and make it my own. Bit by bit, I replaced items that carried painful memories—pillows, blankets, furniture, and even the paint on the walls. Each change brought me closer to creating a home that felt authentically mine.

Creating Peace Within and Around Me

Creating a peaceful home started with creating peace within myself. I had to let go of the need to control every situation, a survival tactic I’d developed during those chaotic years. I learned to hold space for my own emotions—sadness, anger, fear—without judgment. This, in turn, allowed me to create a space where my boys could express their feelings freely and without fear.

Here’s How I Began This Journey Toward Peace

1. Decluttering My Space: Removing physical clutter helped clear my mind and brought a sense of calm to my environment.

2. Creating Quiet Moments: I set aside time daily for reflection, prayer, or simply sitting in silence to reconnect with myself.

3. Choosing Kindness: I made a conscious effort to approach situations with compassion, even when it was difficult.

Redefining Home and Happiness

Building a loving, peaceful home has been a process of constant growth and adjustment. There are still hard days, but they no longer define our lives. Instead, what defines our home now is the safety and love we’ve cultivated together.

A Message of Hope

If you’re reading this and longing for a home that feels like a sanctuary, know that it’s possible. It starts with small, intentional steps. Perhaps it’s setting boundaries, practicing self-care, or seeking support. Whatever your next step is, trust that it’s leading you toward the life you deserve.

The light at the end of the tunnel isn’t a myth. It’s real. One day, the laughter in your home will be genuine. You’ll feel safe expressing your emotions without fear of judgment. Your home will become a place of peace, not a battlefield.

Looking Ahead to a Brighter Future

This holiday season, my boys and I are preparing to travel to the mountains for some skiing and family time. Life is far from perfect, but it’s filled with peace, love, and connection. The journey here wasn’t easy, but it was worth every step.

To anyone on a similar path, better days are ahead. You are strong enough to create the home and life you’ve always dreamed of—a home filled with safety, laughter, and love. I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing!

Emotional Abuse Consumption

The 100% Impact of 10% abuse

Imagine this: A husband hits his wife twice a month. She never knows what will trigger it or when it will happen, but it’s inevitable. The other days of the month? He’s kind, attentive, and even generous. He helps with chores, pays bills, engages in meaningful conversations, and buys her gifts. On the surface, 94% of their days together seem good. But does this make it a healthy marriage? Would anyone advise her to stay? The answer is a resounding no.

Now, let’s replace physical abuse with emotional, verbal, or psychological abuse. For some reason, society tends to minimize this type of harm. People rationalize, “It isn’t that bad,” or “It’s not all the time.” But the truth is, the impact of emotional abuse is just as pervasive and damaging—and that’s what I want to explore today.

The Insidious Nature of Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is often described as insidious, and for good reason. It doesn’t have to happen constantly to dominate your thoughts, emotions, and decisions. Even if it occurs 10-25% of the time, it can consume your mind 100% of the time.

The Pie Chart of Abuse

Let’s visualize this with a pie chart:

Imagine 6% of the chart is red, representing the days when abuse happens. The remaining 94% is green, representing the “good” days.

 On paper, this pie chart looks overwhelmingly positive. But for the victim, it tells a different story. Even though the abusive events only occur on a few days, the fear, anticipation, and recovery from those incidents occupy their mind 100% of the time.

Now consider a covert narcissist. Their verbally and psychologically abusive behavior may only account for 10-25% of the time, leaving most days in a strange, okay-but-tense state. Yet, the mental and emotional toll is constant. You’re stuck anticipating, analyzing, and recovering from the abuse, even on the “good” days.

The Emotional Landmine Effect

Imagine walking through a field littered with landmines. Most of the field is safe, but a few hidden mines make every step potentially dangerous. Even though the majority of the land is safe, you’re consumed by fear. You tread carefully, hypervigilant, and paralyzed by the possibility of an explosion.

This is what living with emotional abuse feels like. You’re constantly bracing for the next outburst, overanalyzing every word and action:

• Will this set them off?

• Am I going to pay for this later?

• What if I say it wrong?

Even the simplest interactions become exhausting. The abuse may not be happening at every moment, but the mental and emotional toll is unrelenting.

The Ratio of Time vs. Impact

The actual moments of abuse might seem like small slivers of time. But their unpredictability and severity overshadow everything else. Here’s why:

Anticipation: You spend hours, even days, walking on eggshells, trying to prevent an outburst.

Aftermath: Post-incident, you replay the situation in your mind, questioning what you did wrong or how you could have stopped it.

Hypervigilance: Even on “good” days, you’re on high alert, scanning for signs of impending abuse.

This constant vigilance creates a mental load that drains your energy and consumes your life. It’s not just about the abusive episodes; it’s about the time in between, filled with fear and anxiety.

The Hidden Cost of Emotional Abuse

When people outside the relationship look at the pie chart, they only see the abuse that happens in specific moments. They don’t see the other pie chart—the one that represents the victim’s mental and emotional experience. For the victim, the abuse is not confined to isolated incidents; it’s an all-encompassing reality.

Breaking the Cycle

So how can you stop emotional abuse from consuming your mind? The first step is awareness—recognizing the full impact of the abuse on your mental and emotional well-being. It’s not just about the abusive incidents themselves; it’s about the ripple effects that touch every part of your life.

Steps to Reclaim Your Mind

1. Name It: Start by calling it what it is: emotional abuse. Naming it helps you see it clearly and separate it from your sense of self-worth.

2. Set Boundaries: Boundaries aren’t about controlling the abuser; they’re about protecting yourself. For example, *I won’t engage in this conversation if you’re yelling at me.*

3. Find Support: Seek help from trusted friends, support groups, or therapists who can help you process your experiences.

4. Focus on Self-Care: Replenish your energy with activities that bring you joy and peace, whether it’s journaling, walking, or spending time with supportive people.

5. Take Small Steps Toward Freedom: Leaving an abusive relationship can feel overwhelming, but even small steps—like saving money or building a support system—can help you regain independence.

Closing Thoughts

Emotional abuse may not leave visible scars, but its impact runs deep. It consumes your thoughts, your emotions, and your sense of self. But here’s the thing: you have the power to take back your mind. It starts with recognizing the abuse for what it is and taking steps, however small, to reclaim your mental and emotional space.

If this resonates with you, know that you’re not alone. Healing is possible, and you deserve a life free from the constant weight of emotional abuse. Better days are ahead, and you are strong enough to create a life filled with safety, peace, and love.

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.

Covert Narcissism and their Subtle Tactics of Manipulation and Control

One of the most challenging aspects of covert narcissistic abuse is its subtle nature. Unlike overt narcissism, which is more easily recognizable through grandiose behavior or obvious arrogance, covert narcissism thrives on subtle manipulation that is harder to detect. These tactics are designed to undermine your confidence, control your behavior, and make you question your reality, often leaving you feeling confused, invalidated, and powerless.

Passive-Aggressiveness

Passive-aggressiveness is a hallmark of covert narcissism. Instead of direct confrontation, the covert narcissist uses veiled comments or behaviors to express anger or disapproval.

Examples

• You share an accomplishment with excitement, and the covert narcissist responds with a sarcastic, “Wow, you’re really full of yourself today, aren’t you?”

• You ask for help with a task, and they agree but say with a sigh, “Sure, I’ll do it since no one else ever does anything around here.”

• After you express a preference, they respond with, “Well, I guess my opinion doesn’t matter.”

• When you confront them about being late, they say, “I’m sorry for not living up to your impossible standards.”

• When feeling ignored, they say, “Oh, I guess I wasn’t important enough for you to call today,” even though they didn’t call you.

• If a friend cancels plans, they say, “It’s fine, I didn’t really feel like going anyway,” while secretly feeling resentful.

• They give the silent treatment to you, expecting you to figure out whatever the problem is without discussing it.

Impact:

It creates self-doubt and can make you feel guilty for normal human things, such as feeling proud of your accomplishments, asking for help, expressing a preference, focusing on your own daily activities, accidentally forgetting something, and so on.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic where the covert narcissist denies, distorts, or twists your experiences to make you question your memory, perceptions, or sanity.

Examples:

• You confront them about a hurtful comment, and they respond, “I never said that. You’re imagining things again.”

• You mention a recurring issue, and they respond, “We’ve already talked about this, and you agreed it wasn’t a problem. Why are you bringing it up again?”

• You recall a specific promise they made, and they respond, “That’s not what I said. You’re twisting my words.”

• You express hurt about something they did, and they say, “You’re always so sensitive. No one else would react this way.”

Impact:

It erodes your trust in your own judgment, your own memories, and your own perceptions. This leaves you dependent on the covert narcissist for a sense of reality.

Emotional Withholding

Emotional withholding involves deliberately withholding affection, attention, or communication as a form of punishment or control.

Examples:

• After you express a need or set a boundary, the covert narcissist gives you the silent treatment or becomes emotionally distant.

• When you disagree with them, they stop responding to your texts or calls.

• When you ask for emotional support, they say, “I don’t know what you expect me to do about it,” and withdraw.

• You try to have an important conversation, and they shut down, saying, “I can’t deal with this right now,” and leave the room.

Impact:

It makes you feel isolated and desperate for reconciliation, often causing you to compromise your boundaries to restore the relationship.

Playing the Victim

Covert narcissists frequently portray themselves as victims to avoid accountability and gain sympathy.

Examples:

• You express hurt over their behavior, and they respond, “I’m sorry I’m such a terrible person. I guess I can’t do anything right.”

• You point out a mistake they made, and they say, “I can’t believe you think I’m such a horrible person.”

• When you confront them about a broken promise, they respond, “You’re right, I’m just a failure at everything I do.”

• After you express a need for more communication, they reply, “I’m sorry I’m not perfect like you.”

• After a minor inconvenience, they dramatically exclaim, “Why does this always happen to me?”

Impact:

It shifts the focus away from their behavior and onto your supposed insensitivity, leaving you feeling guilty for expressing your needs.

Guilt-Tripping

Guilt-tripping involves making you feel responsible for their emotions or difficulties, even when it’s unwarranted.

Examples:

• They say, “I’ve sacrificed so much for you, and this is how you repay me?”

• When you set a boundary, they say, “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?”

• You want to spend time with friends, and they respond, “It’s fine, I’ll just be here alone like always.”

• When you don’t agree with their opinion, they say, “I guess I’m just not important enough for you to listen to.”

Impact:

It fosters a sense of obligation and can lead you to prioritize their needs over your own, perpetuating a cycle of self-neglect.

Minimizing Your Feelings

Minimization occurs when the covert narcissist dismisses or trivializes your emotions or experiences.

Examples:

• You express sadness, and they respond, “You’re overreacting. It’s not a big deal.”

• You express frustration, and they respond, “You’re upset about that? You should have seen what happened to ME.”

• You share your excitement about an accomplishment, and they say, “It’s not that impressive. Anyone could’ve done that.”

• After you express hurt, they respond, “Oh, come on, it wasn’t that bad. You’re blowing this way out of proportion.”

• You open up about feeling unsupported, and they reply, “You’re just too needy. No one can meet your expectations.”

Impact:

It invalidates your feelings, making you question whether your emotions are legitimate or worth addressing.

Hypersensitivity to Criticism

Covert narcissists are extremely sensitive to perceived slights or criticism, often interpreting neutral feedback as personal attacks.

Examples:

• You note a minor oversight in their work, and they respond, “I’m sorry I’m not perfect. I guess you just see me as a failure.”

• You suggest a small improvement for next time, and they reply, “Well, clearly I can’t do anything right in your eyes, can I?”

• You offer gentle feedback on their idea, and they say, “Of course you’d find fault. It’s always easier to tear me down than to appreciate what I’ve done.”

• You question a detail they mentioned, and they respond, “I knew you’d turn this against me. You can’t wait to point out where I fall short.”

• You express uncertainty about one of their methods, and they retort, “I see—everything I do needs your stamp of approval. How nice.”

Impact: 

It creates a tense environment where you feel compelled to walk on eggshells, discouraging you from speaking openly. You begin to suppress your own perspectives, doubts, or concerns, ultimately undermining honest communication and eroding trust in the relationship.

Competitive and Jealous

Covert narcissists see everyone as competition and quietly envy others’ successes. They obsessively compare themselves to others and need to diminish others to feel superior.

Examples:

• You share a small personal accomplishment, and they respond with a backhanded compliment: “Well, at least you finally did something worth mentioning.”

• You excitedly mention that a friend got promoted, and they say, “They probably knew someone. Nobody really earns that kind of success on their own.”

• You talk about learning a new skill, and they shrug, “It’s not that impressive—lots of people can do that.”

• You comment on a coworker’s recognition, and they mutter, “I’m sure they’ll mess it up eventually,” dismissing that person’s achievement.

• You celebrate another’s talent, and they roll their eyes, “I could do that if I cared to waste my time. It’s nothing special.”

Impact:

It creates an atmosphere where your pride in yourself or others is met with dismissiveness. This stifles your willingness to share positive news, foster self-doubt, and erode the trust and support that should exist in a healthy relationship.

Emotional Fragility and Moodiness

Their emotional state can swing between feelings of superiority and despair, often depending on how others treat them or whether their needs are being met.

Examples:

• You casually mention having plans with friends, and they abruptly withdraw and become sullen for the rest of the day, as if you’ve excluded them.

• A minor inconvenience—like being stuck in traffic—is enough to shift their mood dramatically, causing them to snap at you or give silent treatment.

• They interpret an innocent joke as a personal attack, resulting in hours of brooding or emotional distance.

• If you can’t respond to their call right away, they may spend the evening sulking, implying you don’t value them.

• Their mood swings leave you guessing whether your presence will be greeted with warmth, indifference, or irritation at any given moment.

Impact:

It creates a tense, unpredictable environment. You find yourself constantly on guard, trying to prevent upsets and soothing their wounded feelings, ultimately wearing down your emotional resilience and making genuine connection increasingly difficult.

Deep Need for Validation and Reassurance

They constantly seek external validation to soothe their fragile self-esteem but often distrust or discount it when received.

Examples:

• After receiving a compliment, they immediately ask, “Are you sure you really mean that?” as if no amount of praise is ever enough.

• They frequently complain about feeling unappreciated, hoping you’ll rush in to reassure them of their value.

• When you don’t instantly respond to a text, they send follow-ups like, “You’re not ignoring me, right?” pressing for constant affirmation.

• They may repeatedly compare themselves to others, fishing for you to say, “No, you’re doing great—you’re better than them.”

• Even after accomplishing something, they’ll downplay it until you step in and emphasize how proud you are of them.

Impact:

It is emotionally exhausting, placing the burden on you to continually reassure them. This dynamic feels one-sided, leaving you drained, anxious about their reaction, and unable to focus on your own emotional well-being.

Understanding these tactics is a huge step toward breaking free from their control. By learning to identify manipulation, you can begin to rebuild your confidence and protect yourself from further harm.

Strategies for the Holiday Season When Dealing with Covert Narcissism

Navigating the holiday season after enduring covert narcissistic abuse can be emotionally challenging. Here are expert strategies to help you maintain your peace and prioritize healing during this time:

1. Set Boundaries Early and Clearly

• Decide what feels safe for you: Limit contact with individuals who trigger you or who were enablers of the covert narcissist.

• Practice saying "no": Prepare polite yet firm responses if you're pressured to participate in gatherings or activities that feel overwhelming.

• Don’t defend yourself, you have no need for any justifications.

2. Create New Traditions

• Start traditions that bring joy and meaning to you. Whether it’s a cozy movie marathon, baking your favorite treats, or volunteering, build a holiday experience that feels authentic to your healing journey.

3. Limit Exposure to Triggers

• Skip the comparisons: Social media can amplify feelings of inadequacy. Take breaks or curate your feed to focus on uplifting content.

• Avoid known stressors: Decline invitations or situations that may bring you into contact with toxic dynamics.

4. Prepare for Emotional Triggers

• Know your triggers: Journaling or reflecting beforehand can help you identify potential challenges, such as feelings of loneliness, guilt, or anger.

• Have a support plan: Schedule time to talk to a trusted friend, therapist, or support group during tough moments.

5. Focus on Gratitude and Grounding

• Gratitude journaling: Write down three things you’re thankful for each day to shift focus from pain to positive moments.

• Mindfulness practices: Engage in breathing exercises, meditation, or yoga to stay present and calm.

6. Avoid Over-Commitment

• Keep your schedule manageable to prevent exhaustion or burnout. Prioritize only what feels right for your mental health and energy levels.

7. Build a "Holiday Support Toolkit"

• Essential contacts: Keep a list of trusted friends, therapists, or hotlines for immediate support.

• Comfort items: Stock up on cozy blankets, a favorite book, calming teas, or soothing music to create a comforting environment.

• Distraction tools: Have activities like puzzles, crafts, or movies ready for moments when you need to refocus.

8. Acknowledge and Process Emotions

• Allow yourself to grieve what was lost, whether it's a relationship, family dynamic, or an idealized holiday image. Journaling or talking with a therapist can help you process these feelings.

9. Prioritize Self-Care

• Take care of your physical health with regular meals, hydration, and sleep.

• Treat yourself to something special—a massage, a favorite meal, or a small gift that brings you joy.

• Don’t defend yourself 

10. Remember Your Progress

• Reflect on how far you’ve come since breaking free from the covert narcissist’s influence. Celebrate your resilience and small wins, no matter how minor they may seem.

Make this holiday season the best one ever for yourself! As you become more free to be you, the world around you will reap the benefits too. Those you love will enjoy the real YOU!

3 Simple Steps for Boundary Setting with a Covert Narcissist

“You don’t even care that I’m having a bad day!” 

“Why do you always try to see the bright side of things? That’s so pointless and stupid!”

“Sure, go read your book. You could be spending time with me, you know?”

After you have spent countless hours trying to support and help them.

Grandiose narcissists cross physical boundaries. They overstep and hit you physically, shoving you, grabbing you, hitting you. They have no regard for your physical space.

Vulnerable narcissists, often referred to as covert narcissists, cross emotional boundaries. They overstep and hit you emotionally, blaming you, guilting you, dismissing you. They have no regard for your emotional space.

Boundaries may often be crossed in ways that can be so subtle that we don’t even realize it, especially when dealing with covert narcissists. But the impact is massive! Today I want to give you 3 steps that you can take to help set better boundaries with a covert narcissist.

Now these 3 steps are not going to magically fix your relationship. They aren’t going to all of a sudden cause the covert narcissist to get it and start treating you better. These boundaries aren’t for them. These boundaries are for you. To give you the space to be the person you want to be and quit taking all these emotional hits from this abusive person in your life.

Whether this is your spouse, your parent, your adult child, your coworker, your friend…no matter the relationship, these steps create a buffer around you, creating some emotional breathing space.

Three steps

Acknowledge their feeling in a simple statement focused on them

State your boundary/feeling in a simple statement focused on you

Redirect the conversation in a simple positive direction

Why acknowledge their feelings?? Haven’t we done that enough? YES!! But this step allows you to be the compassionate and caring person you want to be. Being compassionate is about you, not them. This simple statement of, “I hear that you are upset” keeps you grounded in who you are. I no longer give them the ability to make me someone that I am not!

State your boundary? I thought we aren’t supposed to voice it to them. If you are out of the relationship, no contact, or at the very least quite distant, then this is true. However, if you are still in the marriage, in the home, co-parenting young children, then you might need to voice these boundaries. Now don’t expect the covert narcissist to automatically follow them. You aren’t voicing them for that person. You are voicing them for you. I will explain more on this as we go.

How do I redirect them? Have some safe topics, topics they like to talk about and you don’t have to really engage, topics that are easy to avoid conflict - work, current events, even ones that they feel passionate about but you are willing to not speak your opinion, their hobbies, future plans, food, cooking, nature.

Here are some specific examples of boundary violations from a covert narcissist and how to use this strategy.

1. **Emotional Dumping:** 

You have a right to not carry their burdens or pay the price for their emotional struggles.

There is a difference between caring for someone’s struggles, supporting them, and paying a price for the struggles they have.

They dump their problems on you, anxieties and dramas. They shoot down any comfort you offer or ideas you share. 

Natural boundary - with non-narcissistic people. People who have empathy recognize the way that their emotions affect those around them. They will guard against dumping their feelings all over you. While they might express some frustrations, this will be protected in some way. 

They limit the amount of time this takes. They apologize for expressing their frustration. They thank you for listening and for caring. They say, “I know you can’t do anything to help this, so you don’t have to say anything. Sorry and thank you.” They don’t expect you to fix this for them. They put effort into moving on. They might voice some of their own ideas for moving forward. They listen and express gratitude for any ideas you offer. 

They don’t trap you for hours in an exhausting and draining monologue, shooting down anything you say, and wallowing in self-pity pushing you to join them. So you don’t have to purposefully set a boundary with them. They already have a natural boundary within themselves.

Covert narcissists are not like this. They frequently share problems and burdens that you cannot help with and expect you to provide endless comfort. They rattle on and on about the problem, waiting for you to join them with your reactions. Waiting for you to join in their misery. If you don’t exhibit big enough reactions, they will continue seemingly forever. They never realize the drain this has on you or that maybe you don’t want to be in a bad mood too.

Covert narcissists stay in that dumping mode for extended periods of time. If you try to shift in a positive direction, they shoot you down. If you express potential solutions, they always have a reason why that won’t work or a snide remark about it. “That won’t work, that’s a dumb idea.” Aren’t you listening to me? This is so bad.” 

“Why should I try to fix it? It isn’t my fault this happened.” They have no interest in putting in any effort to fix things. But they will roll around in the mud forever and drag you in with them.

You try offering encouragement or a positive perspective. They might even tell you that you just always try to see the positive in things. “What’s the point of that?!” 

They might ultimately conclude, “you don’t even care that I’m having a bad day.” This after you have been actively listening to them and trying to encourage them for over an hour or several hours. And that this scenario has repeated for days on end throughout your entire relationship. They simply add you to their list of why life sucks right now. In fact, they throw you to the top of it, even though you are the one sticking around and trying to help them.

Emotional dumping from a covert narcissist puts you in a no-win situation. You are either stuck listening for hours with no way out or you get blamed for not caring enough. There is absolutely no care from them for you, your heart, and the position this dumping puts you in.

Boundary - 

I hear that you are feeling down, and I do hate that for you. 

I am not equipped to help you with this. 

If you need some time to vent, I can give you that, for about ten minutes or so. Anymore than that makes me feel depressed and ugly inside, and I don’t care for that.

If this problem stays big for you, would you consider talking with a therapist? Would you consider talking with your co-worker on this one? 

I’d love to hear about something positive that happened today.

Personal boundary - 

I will not play the fixer role. 

I will not jump in to be the hero. 

I will let their feelings be their responsibility.

I will trust the support I offer and not feel bad for walking away.

I will not stay engaged until they are feeling better (this can keep you trapped for hours)

2. **Guilt-Tripping:** 

They make you feel guilty for not showing them enough attention or for wanting to spend any time with your friends and family or doing activities of your own. It is normal to do activities that do not include your spouse. It is normal to have time with your other friends or with your own family. Marriage does not mean these things just disappear.

It is normal to have your own activities, such as a book club, pickleball, singing in a choir, working out in a gym, watching a movie with your friends. These are normal activities, and it is completely acceptable to do them without your spouse and without their permission. 

Covert narcissists want all of your attention for them and only them. They don’t want to share you with friends, your own family, your own kids, or even your own pets.

Examples

When I went to the symphony with my friend, he told me that I never go to things with him. He was sullen and grumpy. “I wanted to take you out for your birthday” (this wasn’t even on my birthday). My birthday was still a week away. Did he take me out? No, of course not. But he sure made me feel bad for going out with my girlfriend.

Boundary - 

I hear that you are feeling down.

I don’t like to feel bad for doing things with my friends. 

I don’t like to feel guilty for wanting to do my own activities sometimes.

It sounds like you want to do something together, so how about we plan something for next weekend? What would you like to do?

Personal boundary - 

I will not feel bad or feel guilty for doing an activity with my friend. 

I will focus on my time with my friend while we are together.

I will not give my partner my mental or emotional space while enjoying this time with my friend.

When I would lay on the floor and pet the dog

He would lay his head on my lap. Take my hand from the dog and put it on his head.

He would wiggle his way between me and my dog and say, “I’m here.” 

Funny thing is that he would call the dogs jealous.

Boundary - 

I hear/see that you feel left out. 

I don’t like to feel bad for giving my dog some love. 

I would love to hear about your day. How was work? 

Or are you looking forward to our upcoming holiday?

Personal boundary - 

I will not change my way of interacting with my pet. 

I will not allow myself to feel bad or guilty for giving my pet attention. 

Taking time for me

When I would take some time to myself, to read, take a bath, watch a show, I would get passive aggressive comments such as, “Sure, go read by yourself…” “Why would you watch that? Such a waste of time.” “You could be spending time with me, you know.”

He took time to himself all the time. Playing his video games, watching movies, sleeping on the couch, all the time. While I cooked, cleaned, cared for the kids, took care of the pets, packed lunches for the next day, grocery shopped, and so on, yet anytime I took for myself to finally relax…he wanted that time for him and made these passive aggressive remarks.

Boundary - 

I understand that you are feeling alone right now.

I don’t like to feel bad for taking time for myself and doing things I enjoy.

How does tomorrow night sound for some time together? What would you like to do? 

Personal boundary - 

I will not feel bad for taking time for myself.

I will prioritize doing things that I enjoy.

These tools can be incredibly helpful for children and teenagers in particular. Help them to learn to express their own needs and boundaries this way. This conversation might start in regards to their friends, but they will learn very valuable skills. Ultimately, they will begin to apply them to their parent. In fact, don’t be surprised if they apply them to you.

They need to practice stating these boundaries with people who are safe before they can feel comfortable enough to voice them to people who are not safe. Give them that space to practice this with you.

On that same note, as you work on boundaries, don’t start by setting boundaries with the hardest person in your life. Do these with people who will honor and respect you and your needs. You will be surprised at how easy these conversations go.

Don’t expect them to go this easy with a covert narcissist. But the extra practice will help you to stay clear on what you want to express. 

I also want to be honest with you for a minute here. Do I think that this is going to magically fix this relationship you are in, absolutely not! This isn’t about fixing your marriage or your relationship with your narcissistic parent. This is about you being able to acknowledge their feelings with continued compassion, state your needs and boundaries simply and moving forward. This isn’t about finding the right way for them. It is about finding the right way for you.

I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing.